How can I stop criticising myself?

[cranberry]

Sometimes when I'm looking back on my day or a recent event, I can't help but pinpoint things I might have done wrong. For example, something I said may have offended someone, something I said made me look like an idiot (when it (obviously) was not my intent), etc. I could also think back about just certain looks other people may have had on their face or the way they say something, and it just gives me a bad feeling inside--even though (in actuality) there really is no validity for me feeling that way. For instance, I stopped into my work today to talk to a friend, and my other friend was there too, and she said Hi--but the way she said hi just gave me a bad feeling. And I started to think, Did I do something wrong? When obviously I didn't do anything wrong.

And when I got home, I realized I forgot to say hi to my other coworker (a young guy), and I almost felt like calling work and saying, "Hi", b/c I forgot, and I don't want him to think I was conceited or something. (Because one time, when the guy and I were working, a former coworker who came in didn't say hi to us and we thought the same thing).

 

Right now I'm feeling better, but while I was driving home I was rehearsing all that just happened in my head. How can I stop thinking like this? Does anybody else do this?

[xmrth]

I feel exactly like that sometimes. I don't know how I stopped thinking that way, except when I realized they're very warped thoughts.

You didn't do anything wrong at all, and everything you described, and possibly left out, is something people do every single day even... but you can't let it bother you.

 

With your example of the coworker you forgot to say hi to, not only does that happen to me all the time, but when it does, just pay them extra attention. Nothing that big, but just smile wide and say hello and things like that. Such as, not "just another" hello, and it's not even all that necessary, but it can make you feel better like it's making up for it, rather than calling in, which is kind of going too far I think. Because I could imagine you might wonder things about calling in to say hi, like what did they think of that, what did they say after they hung up? etc.

 

It's best to not get into the habit of over thinking about things like this because they can most definitely get out of control.

[renaissancewoman101]

Cranberry, you sound a lot like me. I have a tendency to watch how people react to me, worry about how I came accross to people, should I have said hi, did I offend them, why are they looking at me in that way. I do that all the time. I used to do it a lot more, but lately I have come to realize that I am worrying myself into an early grave or into anxiety problems. I still worry about things but now I try to keep in mind that whatever I do, say, or act there will always be people who like me and people who dont and I cant do anything to influence those who choose to NOT like me, and it isnt my job to do it. We will never go through life with EVERYBODY liking us. That is just impossible. So, now I try to go through life not worrying so much if I offended someone. It isnt easy because a lot of times I still fall back into the old habits of worrying about what people think of me.

[cranberry]

Hey Thanks for the replies guys.

 

Yeah I tend to gravitate towards the two extremes: caring a lot what other people think of me OR not caring at all. When I catch myself in the former, I'm just reallllly quiet, but in the latter I am so loud--sarcastic, quirky sense of humour.

What's kind of ironic, is my best friends say that what they love about me is that I am so "carefree" and that when they're with me they feel so at ease. I think a lot of it has to do with that I still need to feel comfortable in my own shoes, and accept that my quirkiness or whatever is me and I can't exactly help it.

[Lily04]

Yup, I overanalyze things ALL the time. Looks like we're more similar than I thought. Check your PMs.

[Lily04]

Hey Thanks for the replies guys.

 

Yeah I tend to gravitate towards the two extremes: caring a lot what other people think of me OR not caring at all. When I catch myself in the former, I'm just reallllly quiet, but in the latter I am so loud--sarcastic, quirky sense of humour.

What's kind of ironic, is my best friends say that what they love about me is that I am so "carefree" and that when they're with me they feel so at ease. I think a lot of it has to do with that I still need to feel comfortable in my own shoes, and accept that my quirkiness or whatever is me and I can't exactly help it.

 

Quirkiness is sexy. I love the fact that I'm quirky and embrace it. If guys don't like it, then too bad... they're not worth it. Don't care, just be confident in yourself. You have a lot of great qualities anyway, there's nothing to hide...

[cranberry]

Quirkiness is sexy. I love the fact that I'm quirky and embrace it. If guys don't like it, then too bad... they're not worth it. Don't care, just be confident in yourself. You have a lot of great qualities anyway, there's nothing to hide...

 

 

But do you ever feel kind of biased for thinking that way?

Is [my] sassiness [as my friends like to call it] really a virtue?

...I know what you mean though--that confidence is key...but it's still hard not to have doubts (in myself) once in a while.

[xmrth]

I read a quote somewhere not too long ago "Those who care don't matter, and those who matter don't care." when it comes to saying what you feel and being yourself.

 

I think it's a really true and helpful quote... I've begun applying it to things similar to your post. Of course anything is within reason... such as not acting way out of line, but I mean, if you're just being yourself as you were, even if you worry about little slip-ups (like not saying hi to that coworker, wondering what they think of that, etc.) then try not to worry, and think of that quote.

[milliganimal]

hey cranberry, I got into the habbit of doing EXACTLY that all the time a couple of years back, unlike you I didn't go about seeking advice I just keeped it to myself along with most of my feelings that I bottled up until It got out of control and developed into an anxiety desorder. After spending the best part of two years entirely confused and often depressed I finally plucked up the courage to speak to somebody proffesional (good move). I think the quote "Those who care don't matter, and those who matter don't care." is great and true, I wrote it down!

 

Although I still catch myself overanalizing like that sometimes I have learned that that is exactly what it is (overanalizing) and unneccesarily. I still have with me a scrap of paper that was given to me a good while back, when I catch myself thinking like that I think of that piece of paper and it comforts me and reminds me that they are unnessecary and irrational thoughts. The scrap of paper is titled "the four agreements" :

 

1. Be impeccable with your word - say only what you mean. avoid using the word against yourself

 

2.DONT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY - Nothing* others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projetion of their own reality

 

3.Don't make assumptions - find the courage to ask questions, communicate with with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and confusion.

 

4.Always do your best - always do your best and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret

 

*well nearly nothing

 

Well that was my first post I hope it is of some assistance

[milliganimal]

oh one more thing : Its a bit of Buddhism that has also helped me tonnes!!

 

Learn to notice how nothing is permanent, everything is constantly changing

 

that includes emmotions, opinions and beliefs so even if you really do upset someone by not saying hi, or by saying something that makes your look really stupid its not something thats going to be permenantly fixed in peoples mind.

[Lily04]

Hi,

 

The last poster's advice I find helpful, so thanks for posting. Also, one of my best friends is a grad student in psychology at my school, and also has General Anxiety Disorder (I don't know if I have it necessarily, but I tend to worry a lot as well, needlessly.) She gave me some advice in an e-mail and I've copied & pasted sections that I think may be helpful for you, and others who perhaps share the same perfectionist traits:

 

Hi,

 

There is no easy solution to the problem of being indecisive. Trust your inner voice. Ask yourself, am I thinking productively and solving a problem or am I avoiding something. If you were really solving a problem then you were using your time wisely and there is no need to beat yourself up for needing to take time to think about things. But if you are worrying profitlessly, you can feel it. You can break the attraction of fruitless worrying by asking yourself, what am I trying to achieve by thinking about this. You may be trying to control a situation that can't be controlled. Instead of telling yourself not to worry, insist to yourself that any time you worry, you have to do so productively. Ask yourself what is the best and the worst outcomes and is there anything you can do to affect the outcomes.

 

One thing to recognize is that in academia intellectual abiity is more important than emotions. This business of dwelling unprofitably on the personal relationship side of things is something that I do a lot. I have not really found a good solution but I did find it beneficial to talk with a classmate who was sympathetic rather than one who made me feel bad for not being more practical. Since I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, I have also had access to the support of the accessibility services advisor for students with mental health issues. According to him, the kinds of problems that you and I experience are very common among the more creative students. It is important not to be down on yourself for being impractical or doing something stupid because you will make yourself feel worse and that will make your reactions become more irrational.

 

I think that for me, when I am spending too much time dwelling on something, it is often because the other person represents something more to me than what I represent to them. Often the other person will not care nearly as much about what you do as you think about it, so just recognize that and learn to stop yourself from overanalyzing or thinking about things too deeply that they likely will not even notice.

 

Perhaps the most important part

 

For me, I find that when I am dwelling on something, it often means that there was something about myself that I didn't like and I was not forgiving myself. You have to accept the bad parts of yourself. You have to accept that you feel like a fool and know that everybody does foolish things. The other thing I find is that when your brain and your feelings are going around in circles, logic can't break you out, but some kind of activity that reconnects the physical to the mental can help. For me drawing and exercising and meditation help. For my friend, baking cookies helps. The part of your brain that worries too much is the pattern detecting part, not the logical part, but the logical part tries to get in control by analyzing. If you can tell that you are going in circles mentally, do something that will break the circle, preferably some kind of chore that you needed to do anyway, such as doing the laundry, washing dishes or getting some exercise.

 

Hope that helps.

[cranberry]

All I can say is WOW--great advice.

I'm in a hurry so this is going to sound a bit choppy...but I really appreciate all of your responses.

I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be (worrying wise), but now I will be extra prepared for the next time I start to overanalyse things.

The thing about thinking productively, and how that is not a waste of time is what stood out to me. What can I say, I like to think, yes just think--not worry--about things a lot. (Does that make sense). (Btw, I'm a psych major, go figure.)

And now I know why I love to bake & paint/draw. I found it hard to describe the feeling before, but I see now how if I'm painting something, it's like I forget everything else around me, and am just so absorbed in it--and I love that feeling.

I also love the Buddha insight & the quote as well.

 

Thanks again!

-cran