Keeping emotions in check... my story...

[Frangipani]

Can someone give me some adviceon my situation. It's a doozy. Posted a few posted back

 

[Mavh25]

My problem is, even if my partner does decide he misses me etc. there is still no chance because he will have gone through the whole process through his work, of getting a green card and staying in the US. he is stubborn as hell and doesnt like to chase. So all i have is 1 chance to make him change his mind, selfish? maybe.. but what would you do? Im being told to leave him to it, if i love him then i have to let him go. But ya know... thats bull why cant i be with him? too far for LDR why doesnt he want me with him?

He told me in order for me to get into the states with him i would have to have a career or skill in something that nobody else in the country can do. is this true? sounds awfully crap to me

[enolaton]

Well guys... I did it...

 

I went out to dinner and a movie with the ex and our mutual best friends. Able to keep my emotions 100% in check. I knew when I first saw her that I was a lot stronger then a few months ago. Problem is, when I first broke NC, she was asking me if I would make the effort to talk to her when we were around our friends, hoping I wouldn't ignore her. However, when we went out tonight, she was TOTALLY standoff-ish. I tried to talk to her and make light of the situation, however awkward it might have been for the entire group. But, she hardly said more then a few words to me, and she was the one that made a big deal about me talking when in her company. I don't understand why she was acting this way, but nonetheless, I was able to be my normal self. We all had a good time, I just hope that the slight tension in the air won't deter her from continuing to contact me. I guess time will tell.

 

Advice???

[enolaton]

Also, I forgot to mention, when we spoke on the phone last week, the subject of "us" doesn't come up, but she had briefly said that her breaking-up with me was a "terrible" thing for her to do. I just played it cool and kinda brushed off the topic. The thing is, her reason for breaking-up is understandable to a degree, as I was a b/f who took her for granted (not that she was perfect, but I had a lot to do with it - I've given this much thought over these past few months, and have realized my mistakes).

 

Fast forward to last night, and when we speak on the phone, everything is great. But, when we're around each other and friends, she was very standoff-ish. Maybe we just need time to adjust.

 

Thoughts?

[enolaton]

OK, I was making somewhat of a big deal of how she acted when we were all together. I mean, what did I expect... everything to be the way it was? I'm learning to be patient. I thought maybe she was upset with me 'cause we didn't speak much Sunday night when we were with our friends. Meanwhile, not two days later, and she IMs me to ask about my family. Seriously, has anyone else experienced an ex that is truly devoted to staying "friends"? I mean, I'm not complaining, but her behavior seems somewhat odd, and I don't wanna mess up the good communication we have going, by doing something stupid...

[tylercdurden2004]

Sounds like your playing with fire. You dont seem ready to move on and you are just gonna keep yourself hanging on until she finally finds someone and ends it.

[majord23]

Cover me....I'm going in.

 

I have been on NC for over 3 weeks now and am going to break it within the next couple of weeks. I promised myself that I wouldn't do so unless I felt completely ready and now that time has come. I'm not breaking NC to ask any questions, I am not breaking it to ask for a second chance and I am not breaking it to receive a response.

I am breaking it to get closure of sorts and also to come out of this situation with my own sense of worth back - not a manufactured one, but a real one.

This is not a spur of the moment decision; this is something that I had planned to do if I ever felt ready.

 

I actually feel ready now, but will not act on it for at least a week…just to make sure this isn't just a 'good phase' I'm going through. If I have any doubts in the meantime, I will abort the mission

 

For the past 3 weeks, I've felt bad about the way my ex would have viewed me since the break-up....the last few times we had contact I most definitely wasn't the man she fell for...and that bothers me. It's not that I did anything for her to pity me for; it's just that our interactions were so very serious. Our relationship was always fun and I (understandably) was anything but fun during the break-up

 

My underlying motivation for contacting her is to leave her with the impression she had of me when we first met - someone who doesn't take life too seriously, and someone who always made her laugh.

 

I knew that a period of NC was imperative to get myself back to being that man and I have arrived there now. It was rough, and I will be honest and say that there were times (as recently as 1 week ago) when I didn't think I would be able to ever contact her again. I have got to the point now where I am accepting it is over and I am not expecting a second chance…it's actually a nice place to be. I wouldn't be contemplating contacting her unless I felt 100% certain of my emotional stability.

 

If she knows that I am back to my old self and takes no steps to reconcile, then I am satisfied with that...I cannot *not* be satisfied with that.

 

A couple of points:

 

- If she doesn't respond, I am done. The ball is left with her - and if it stays with her forever then so be it.

- If she does respond, I will take it from there but will not be her friend. Stay in touch - yes, be her friend - no.

 

I am confident in my ability to control my emotions - that was the whole idea of 'The Perfect Plan' - I was able to do it then, and I know that I can now take that a step further - control my emotions *and* be myself. I also plan to remove myself from the situation - either temporarily or permanently - if it becomes detrimental to my mental health.

 

I will keep you informed of any developments, or lack of them. I may ask for some interpretation if I *do* get a response, and I am quietly confident that if I don't get a response I'll be ok.

 

The worst outcome: I walk away knowing that the last contact she had from me was from the *real* me...not the serious, clinical guy that she last encountered.

 

The best outcome: I haven't actually thought beyond the worst outcome to be honest lol....such are my expectations

 

I'll let you know if or when I make contact.

[justmoi]

Majord23,

 

I say go for it.

You have absolutely nothing to lose!

Good endings make good beginnings right!?

 

Takecare let us know how it goes

 

xx

[enolaton]

Majord... I finally get to offer YOU some advice. I say go for it, but... be weary, and be 100% sure. You may just want to "keep in touch", but she may have other plans. Case in point, I told my ex that I just wanted to "keep in touch", yet, she is now calling me every OTHER day, making excuses to do so. Things are going real well, but there are times when we speak that she says things that kinda pick at my heart (not bad things, just things that might make me somewhat jealous, for example). But, I keep my emotions in check. I say, take this next week to determine if you can truly handle whatever may come your way. Also, definitely make sure you have no expectations. Keep us posted!

[acb_22]

Good luck, Majord. I found this poem online ... and felt it was VERY appropriate for myself (and my current situation) ... but also wanted to share it with others.

 

It's obviously VERY tough emotionally, physically, and mentally to be friends with the ex ... especially when you're still in love with them. However, there IS a silver lining to everything (I'm still searching for it ...) As hard as it may be, I'm putting my fate in the hands of God. If it's meant to be, it will happen ... it's still a hard pill to swallow ...

 

If you love someone

 

Here are times in life...

When the person you will love,

For the rest of your life.

Walks into your life.

 

Sometimes, just sometimes...

You hurt that person,

You push them away.

Not meaning to,

But you do.

 

Because you do this...

You lose that person,

They walk away.

 

At times...

You are afraid,

To go on, after this.

But what choice do you have?

 

All you can do...

Is hope that one day,

If that person really was the one.

You will meet again.

 

And if, just by chance...

You get that second chance,

Remember the past.

Learn from your mistakes,

And never let them happen again.

 

And by doing this...

You will find out,

That a lifetime of happiness awaits.

If kisses were water, I'd give u a sea,

If hugs were leaves, I'd give u a tree,

If spaces were love, I'd give eternity,

And if u are true and sincere to me,

I'll keep all my love just for thee.

 

And every morning when you open your eyes,

Tell yourself that it is special.

 

Every day, every minute,

Every second is a gift from God.

You've got to dance like nobody's watching,

And love like it's never going to hurt.

 

People say true friends must always hold hands,

But true friends don't need to hold hands

Because they know the other

Hand will always be there.

[majord23]

Hey enol,

Thanks for the advice mate

I have no doubt that she won't be calling me every other day. Our primary source of commuication after the break-up was IM and email. Calling would be a huge step and I can't see that happening.

 

I have blocked her on IM and won't be unblocking her - so that leaves us with email. For me, it is a perfect way to 'keep in touch' as there is no requirement for an immediate reaction - and I can engage and disengage as I choose.

 

I am almost certain that she is seeing someone else, but I am also meeting people - I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket by hoping that she will come back.

The last time we were in contact, I had been out on a date - she had asked how it had gone and I told her 'better than expected' (which was true). So for all I know, she may assume that I'm also seeing someone...so I come into this interaction on an (at least) level footing with her (in her eyes).

 

I'm approaching this with a view of 'keeping her on the back-burner'....not seeing at a method of immediately winning her back, but not shutting the door on it happening somewhere in the future.

 

I have stayed in touch with exes before and have made the most horrendous mistakes - being emotional, pressuring and also becoming too much of a regular fixture in their lives - to the point of being an 'agony Uncle' when they were going through problems with their current boyfriends. Yes, I have been 'friendzoned' in the past and I have absolutely no plans on doing so on this occasion.

 

These mistakes were made because I never had a decent period of NC to adjust. I attempted to go straight from 'begging/pleading major' to 'No, I'm ok honestly...I just want to keep in touch major'. It just doesn't work.

 

NC has allowed me to move on enough to feel comfortable with taking this step and it has also given her time to lose whatever perception she had of me when we last spoke.

I think she will be relieved to hear from me...and relief is a positive start.

 

I'm ready for anything however - being ignored, or hearing how great her life is. That is now not as much of a daunting prospect because I am not expecting to hear anything other than that. I refuse to get roped into emotional games with her...well, the ones that she might want to play anyway. If she's looking for a specific reaction from me...she is going to be disappointed.

[GeeCee]

Holy Hell!!!

 

Is that YOU Majord?!?!??!

 

Have been MIA for a while - pop back for a quick peek and find you here!!!

 

How are you doing honey?

 

G xx

[majord23]

Holy Hell!!!

 

Is that YOU Majord?!?!??!

 

Have been MIA for a while - pop back for a quick peek and find you here!!!

 

How are you doing honey?

 

G xx

 

 

 

 

GeeCee!!!!!

 

How are you darlin?

 

As you can see...same old s**t, different year lol

 

Am putting all of the lessons of the past into practice now...so hopefully a different outcome awaits me

 

What's news?

[Rob1000]

I love this thread.

 

I am currently in day 16 of NC with my ex and hopefully in 3/4 weeks I will be (emotionally) able to initiate some contact with her. It's pleasing that I have learnt from passed relationships and cut all ties and started NC the very day she broke up with me.

 

I've also learnt a lot more from scruffed, enotalon and majord's contributions and it definitely helps that there are guys out there putting the same plan into action and getting results. Give's me encouragement. And I will keep reading this thread to keep myself in check.

 

For now I just have to remain strong and find peace in the fact that she doesn't know how I'm feeling and I bet she's wondering about me.

[majord23]

For now I just have to remain strong and find peace in the fact that she doesn't know how I'm feeling and I bet she's wondering about me.

 

 

Welcome aboard Rob

 

It sounds like you're in a good position mate, well done on maintaining NC and what you've said above is true - she has absolutely no idea how you're doing, and it will definitely be playing on her mind.

 

The whole idea of what we're 'up to' is quite simple really, huh?

 

After a break-up we almost switch personalities and become these needy, emotional people...the kind of people that wouldn't be attractive to anyone in their right minds.

 

The simple fact is that our exes were attracted to us - that cannot be disputed...and attraction is not a choice. It is based on something beyond thoughts and all to do with an individuals feelings and preferences.

 

So it stands to reason that if our exes were attracted to us at some stage, then it is a very real possibility that they will be attracted to us again....if we become the person that they originally fell for.

 

The period of NC is completely necessary to get your own head together, and also to give your ex a chance to miss you and reflect on the relationship.

When you re-enter her life, you do so with a hint of mystery because you are back to your old self, seemingly unaffected by the break-up and significantly healed. You become a challenge...and an attractive one at that.

[keefy1972]

So are any of you in a position where you can't help but see your ex a few times a week? Say, like do you work at the same place? Creating distance from someone you were once so close with sometimes seems impossible in this setting. Sometimes it is almost too hard to be indifferent and aloof all the time.

[Rob1000]

The simple fact is that our exes were attracted to us - that cannot be disputed...and attraction is not a choice. It is based on something beyond thoughts and all to do with an individuals feelings and preferences.

 

So it stands to reason that if our exes were attracted to us at some stage, then it is a very real possibility that they will be attracted to us again....if we become the person that they originally fell for.

Yet more sound advice and encouragement major. Thanks again. This along with the 'absense and desire' piece at the beginning of the thread gives me more reason to stay strong.

 

I'm so glad I found this forum and some genuinely nice people to share this difficult time with.

[CamGuy]

Yea, absense and desire. It is an interesting concept. Last night, I ran into my ex who I have seen in almost 5 months! THis is the first time I layed eyes upon her since she broke up with me. I played it cool. It was a mutual friend of ours who was having a birthday party that caused us to meet up again. Showing no emotion comes easy to me. However, I was not overly friendly with her. about the nicest thing i did all night was light up her cigarette when she needed a light.

 

Other than that I acted aloof. She came up to me and asked me if I feel kinda uncomfortable because she feels "kinda uncomfortable". I say "No, I feel drunk!". (We were all at a bar).

 

I did my best to be social with the other people there, and just made sure me and my ex were never left alone together. It was good to see her again. She looked well. But I kept my composure. It was hard, but I did it.

[Rob1000]

Good work camguy. I love the "I feel drunk" line. That one definitely would have got caught in her throat!

 

Me and my ex have only one or two mutual friends. It wont be until September when there's a birthday night which could involve us meeting. I know for sure by then that I'll be well over this, which is uplifting in itself.

[enolaton]

I'm happy to see this thread is exceeding its purpose and that many are finding help from it. I've got a few questions for you all...

 

1) Do you think an ex will ALWAYS exhibit some jealous feelings, despite how long you have not been together, whether or not they are with someone else, and whether or not they have ANY romantic feelings for you whatsoever? Or, do these jealous feelings eventually disappear?

 

2) Also, my ex and I have just recently started talking again, but things are going really well for the past few weeks, and she is calling me quite frequently (lately, every other day), and I've been keeping my emotions in check. Now, do I continue to let things just take its course, or do I intervene with fate and ask to "hang-out" with her? I think it'd be a nice thing to do, but I don't want to destroy any progress I might've made. Should I leave that decision to her?

 

I appreciate your feedback, and I hope everyone is doing well out there.

 

P.S. MajorD... how you doing out there?

[majord23]

Hey enol,

 

To answer your questions:

 

1) It depends on the individual situation. If you are able to stay in touch with an ex without being put in the 'friend basket' then yes, jealousy will always be an issue. BUT jealousy may not necessarily be a catalyst for an ex to come back...it can help, but it's not the be all and end all.

 

 

2) I would be very reluctant to ask an ex to hang out. From my perspective, I would only do so if our interactions had been quite flirty and I was certain that she would say yes....and would not be saying yes as a friend, but as a romantic interest. By asking her to hang out you run the risk of being rejected...and it may also give the ex a little security boost, and I wouldn't want to give her that boost unless I was sure it would help with reconcilation and not push her away. That's the way I feel at least.

 

 

I'm doing ok mate - haven't had a bad day in a week. I still think about her but it doesn't hurt near as much. At the end of the day she isn't in my life and I am able to deal with that - and that is the one thing that we all struggle to deal with, so yeah....I'm good.

[enolaton]

Thanks for the feedback Major. I definitely see where you're coming from... it makes perfect sense. I'll hold off on asking to "hang-out" with my ex. I certainly don't want to enter the "friendzone". I'm just a man with little patience (always hoping for quick results), but I guess it's just another thing I am learning and improving about myself. I've already learned so much about me, and now that I'm on speaking terms, I'm also learning to keep myself under control and in check... no more Mr. Emotional. I guess as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

Anyway, glad to see you're doing much better. Any idea when you're finally gonna contact her???

[GeeCee]

Gosh yes Majord .... SSDD.

 

So ...... sorry you are in this situation Is manageable though. Seems to me you are doing all the right things. All the right things. Now it is just a waiting game - although of course keeping busy whilst playing that game. Getting fit, meeting friends. Faking it till you make it.

 

I am good. I had the break-up with my man this time last year. I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Did not take calls. And took my time with emails. Of course, this made him realise that he could not live without me!!! Haaaaaa!!! Life.

 

Remember though - lovers come back and lovers do not come back. Yes, of course they found us attractive once. Does not follow that that attraction will always be there. We have been in that situation ourselves when we have left someone.

 

Have faith in yourself that all will be well and all will be well. Just might not turn out the way you planned.

 

Hope you are all keeping well.

 

G xx

[enolaton]

HAHA... SSDD!!! So true GeeCee.

 

Thanks. Obviously, time is the greatest healer. It also allows us to learn so much about ourselves. I'm a young guy, and I never realized how much I could learn about myself in such a short period. In that sense, this break-up might end up being one of the best things that could've happened to me. Yes, there was pain involved, but I came away with so much more. To anyone who's reading this thread... coming from a guy that begged and pleaded for months and months... anything is possible. Just make sure that you take your break-up, and put a positive spin on things by making yourself a better person.

 

You never know what can happen if you do...

[majord23]

On the money as usual Geester

 

Glad to hear that you're stil going strong babes....there's hope for us all, huh?

 

I'm not too concerned about not being able to generate attraction - we were only together for 4 months and my overseas trip (5 weeks) was the stumbling block. 4 months....she never even got to see my dark-side...now if she had, THEN I'd have concerns