How to tell a friend you have feelings for them....?

[polandsprings]

Here's my situation.

 

I'll try to keep it simple. Basically, I have been close friends with J for 3 years. For the past few months, her relationship of 4 years has been off and on and is currently off and has been for several weeks (they've broken up 3 or so times over the past few months).

 

The dilemma is, I have feelings for J and want to tell her. However, I don't want to come accross strong as in "Oh I'm so in love with you and don't know what I would ever do without you" - as it's not the case. It's your typical crush, where I have feelings for her, desire to grow closer and expand our relationship, potentially pursue things and see where they go should she possibly have similar feelings.

 

I don't know how she feels. I've crushed on her for most of our friendship, never dropped any hints or anything to this point, because she was involved in her relationship. And, I would've rather had her as a friend than taking a chance and screwing our friendship up (esp. during her relationship).

 

I'm having dinner with her later this week and if it 'feels' right, I'm thinking of taking the chance and at least conveying my feelings for her. I was once in this same situation a few years ago with another girl, and when the opportunity was there, I didn't convey my feelings and feel like I lost an opportunity.

 

Before someone else slides in, because my feelings exist, I'm leaning in the direction of telling her how I feel.

 

I'm basically looking for advice, in terms of how I actually phrase things, so that it doesn't feel like I'm coming on strong, and only just conveying to her how I feel.

 

Any input is greatly appreciated.

[grymoire]

I don't mean to discourage you but chances are she is most likely to say "i only like you as a friend" when you tell her your feelings. I can say that the probablity of you getting the "just friends" line is 99% if not then you are a damn lucky man that belongs to the other 1%. Women will never date their male friends. You are either her friend or her boyfriend. You can never make the transition of 'friend to boyfriend'. They will be more than willing to date a stranger and get abused instead of giving their guy friends a chance. It's strange but that's how it is. I would suggest that you date somebody else.

Sorry man, I have personally experienced this (exact same situation) and had enough pain to endure.

[chai714]

I will continue to preach that you shouldn't tell anyone how you feel about them. Telling someone how you feel about them is selfish - how is "putting your feelings on them" supposed to make her want you?

 

You can tell her how you feel in a different and better way. It will become apparent in way in which you communicate with her. Communication encompasses body language, words, feelings and emotions, listening, and a whole bunch more. Project different body language. Think about this. What (in terms of your body language) can you do to indicate that you're attracted to her? For example, when you're sitting next to her can you create some "incidental contact?" Watch her reaction to guage how she feels. If you want to take this friendshp further, create the environment that sets you up to make a move. It doesn't necessarily have to be romantic - it could be playing miniature golf, bowling, or even dropping her off at her house. Finally, when the time is right don't hesitate to bust a move and go for a kiss.

[grymoire]

You are going to make a fool of yourself by letting your friend know about your feelings however you show it. She is your friend, she is not going to date you! Save yourself the pain and go after some other women that are not your friends.

[monsieur]

It is sad but true what they are telling you.

 

Don't make the mistake I and others did.

 

The only way to do it is by touchy feely stuff and body language, telling her how you feel is definitely going to ruin things. If you do little stuff like touch her arm and then maybe see if you can rub her neck (I am talking about over weeks, not all at once), and if she is receptive you will know, if she slows you down then I would be very careful as it is 99.9% likely that she will never go past the friend stage. You have to err on the side of assuming it is just friendship unless she really gives you physical signs of cuddling or stuff like that.... women are funny about these things, if she wants you as more than a friend you will know it as she will get physical with you first (cuddling or whatever).

 

Don't ruin the friendship like I did.

[grymoire]

Hi Monsieur,

 

Just curious... I assume you told about your feelings to your female friend. I see that your friendship with her got ruined. What exactly happened? Did she cut off the friendhsip after you told her how you felt?

 

Thanx

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA polandsprings!

 

Well, this is a tough one for you. Are these feelings for her interfering with your ability to have relationships with other women? If they are, I would say then you need to make some emotional distance between you and your friend.

 

So should you tell her your feelings? I think you answered this when you said you would rather have her as a friend than take the chance of screwing things up. Plus, she's in-and-out of this other long-term relationship of 4 years. That's a long time. Do you think she's just going to cut that clean and be able to be in a healthy relationship with you even if she wanted to????? I don't think so...

 

You've kept the feelings to yourself this long, and if they aren't interfering with your romantic life otherwise, I'd say keep them to yourself and focus on finding someone else that you can share your love with in a healthy way...

[monsieur]

Well, she didn't cut me off per se, but it has changed things to where I am not as comfortable with her myself and she is not as comfortable either, and it is impossible to avoid... you will see if you try, part of what intrigued me in the friendship was the fact that I liked her so much and had that glimmer of hope always in the back of my mind. She basically said that she liked me alot and all but how she follows her heart when it comes to relationships. So I think that with women they are in a relationship with you or working toward it right from the start or not, if it is in friendzone then you are stuck there... using the logical (to us) method of 'telling her your feelings' never will work

 

I think now too that she feels that she has to be more careful in leading me on, which means she doesn't contact me as much, she used to email me twice or more a day, now she is careful to ration that to twice a week.. .she used to text message me daily, now once a week maybe.... all of this happened when I told her that I really liked her and thought that we should be a couple. There is an uncomfortable feeling deep down now.

 

Everything changed overnight... .I wish I hadn't done it.

[monsieur]

Plus it wasn't a case of being out of my league or anything like that. She had said many times that I was handsome and a 'hunk', so in my mind I thought "wow, she likes me", but in her mind looks and friendship don't necessarily equal to her heart being into boyfriend/girlfriend zone. I can't figure that out about women, but somehow there is a friendship chemistry and a lover chemistry, and it is like the chemistry gets figured out in her mind at an early stage in the relationship and you are doomed to stay in one zone and not the other, no matter how nice and good looking and all.

 

I had a great friend, now I screwed it up and now just have a friend.

[grymoire]

Very interesting! For me the reverse is happening

 

I couldn't tell my female friend of 4 months about my feelings 'cos she was in an "on again/off again" relationship with her LDR boyfriend. I definitely thought that she was interested in me 'cos we travel together, meet for lunch and coffee every single day and she was giving me plenty of signs.

 

After she broke-up with her boyfriend I told her my feelings and she said she had just come out of a break-up and doesn't want to date any man now. I said fine and kept walking. Before I could reach home she called me up and said that she was sorry and that she likes me so much but only as a friend. We met the next day and had a talk. Finally I said I cannot continue as her friend b'cos I have too much feelings for her now and it will be difficult for me to hang out with her. She didn't expect that and reacted very intensely. She was on the verge of tears and pleaded me not to break the friendship. This really drove me crazy 'cos we both knew each other only for 4 months at that time. I told her I will be away from her for a while and then get back as friends. I then backed-off for a while (1 week) and she was very angry with me because I wasn't spending any more time with her. We ended up having a huge fight. She was very very upset that I wasn't seeing her anymore. At one point she guilt-tripped me by saying "you have betrayed me. as soon as you knew that i won't get intimate with you your true colors came out and you are going away". I got sick and tired of the whole thing. She then said she doesn't want to be my friend anymore and I said fine and walked away. But in less than 2 hours she started emailing and calling me and kept apologizing. She said she was wrong and she wants me back. I ignored her for 4 days but gave in on the 5th day. She was extra-ordinarily persistent in getting me back.

 

After we got back as friends she made sure that I never slip away again and put in a lot of effort. Even today she is kind of insecure about the friendship. We are still friends and that's because she puts in so much effort.

[monsieur]

wow, so you did torture her when she was vulnerable in trying to manipulate the situation for your own selfish goals, she should have dumped you as a friend too, but in her fragile state she didn't

 

sorry if that comes off as being harsh but I think that is what happened there

 

you must admit that you did it all wrong if your hope was to get in a mutual healthy loving relationship, at the very least you weren't a very good or understanding friend to her when she needed it most, and probably wouldn't be a very good or understanding boyfriend to her if it would have ever ended up that way

 

my philosophy that I try to follow nowadays is try to put myself in the shoes of the other person, and always try and take a step back from a situation and see if maybe I am not seeing the whole picture or if I am seeing it from selfish means only.

[grymoire]

wow, so you did torture her when she was vulnerable in trying to manipulate the situation for your own selfish goals, she should have dumped you as a friend too, but in her fragile state she didn't

 

sorry if that comes off as being harsh but I think that is what happened there

 

you must admit that you did it all wrong if your hope was to get in a mutual healthy loving relationship, at the very least you weren't a very good or understanding friend to her when she needed it most, and probably wouldn't be a very good or understanding boyfriend to her if it would have ever ended up that way

 

I really don't understand what you are trying to tell me. After she broke-up with her boyfriend she became single and so I said that I am interested in her. Is something wrong in telling a girl about your feelings? Why are you telling that I tortured her and tried to manipulate? I seriosuly don't understand.

[monsieur]

sorry if I misunderstood your explanation, but it seemed like you 'put the screws to her' by choosing the vulnerable time after her break up to tell her 'relationship with me or no friendship either'

 

is that not basically what you did? you basically chose that vulnerable time to turn your friendship parameters with her all around, when what she needed from you the most was understanding and as little change as possible, think of it from her perspective

[grymoire]

sorry if I misunderstood your explanation, but it seemed like you 'put the screws to her' by choosing the vulnerable time after her break up to tell her 'relationship with me or no friendship either'

 

is that not basically what you did? you basically chose that vulnerable time to turn your friendship parameters with her all around, when what she needed from you the most was understanding and as little change as possible, think of it from her perspective

 

It's okay.

 

Actually when I met her I thought she was single. I never knew that she had a long-distance boyfriend. She used to mention about her guy-friends and girl-friends but never her boyfriend. After nearly 3 months of hanging out with her I came to know that she had a LDR boyfriend. I don't know why she never told me about him.

 

The only time she directly told me about him was when she said "I broke-up with my boyfriend today". I had feelings for her and thought that she was telling me about her single status. So 2 weeks after the break-up I said I had feelings but she said she doesn't. I really didn't blackmail her emotionally by saying if you don't accept me i can't be your friend. I only said that it will be difficult for me to be her friend while I have all the feelings with me.

 

Is this wrong?

[heloladies21]

I disagree with any advice telling you not to let her know you're interested in her. Regret is a terrible thing to feel and you don't want to live with it.

 

How to do it? That's a tough one and it takes much research as one method won't be sure fire. I got some sites i can email you.

[monsieur]

I guess only you can answer that, but only if you are totally honest with yourself and really analyze the whole situation. You were definitely considering your own feelings when you acted, and maybe not understanding her feelings or even trying to. It was probably the best time for you just to be there for her and take it slow, rather than the ultimatum that saying 'I can't continue with you as friends because of my feelings'... it is still a form of blackmail even if you don't see it that way and even if it reflected the way you felt inside (although you were concentrating inside on your own feelings a bit selfishly). So in your mind you were telling her something honest, but it was not the right time to tell her that and also not the right time for you to listen to those inner feelings so strongly. Sometimes your honest feelings are not correct and also maybe should be kept to ourselves for more thought and reflection rather than being hurtful and regretting it later..... the way we feel can change too.

[monsieur]

I disagree with any advice telling you not to let her know you're interested in her. Regret is a terrible thing to feel and you don't want to live with it.

 

telling a woman you are interested in her is not the way, you have to 'show' a woman you are interested in her, and it isn't necessarily achieved in one day.... if the give and take is there and she is showing you that she is interested too, then you can start the 'telling' part, but to start with the 'telling' is all wrong

[grymoire]

I know that she will be hurting b'cos of the break-up but I was afraid that I might lose her by not telling her how I felt.

 

Are you telling that she is doing me a favor by continuing the friendship with me?

[heloladies21]

telling a woman you are interested in her is not the way, you have to 'show' a woman you are interested in her, and it isn't necessarily achieved in one day.... if the give and take is there and she is showing you that she is interested too, then you can start the 'telling' part, but to start with the 'telling' is all wrong

 

I agree 100%, when did i say anything about telling her? Showing can be done in the way you act, look, subcommunicate to someone. Telling her logically would be a mistake for sure.

[monsieur]

I did the same mistake, thinking that it is a window of opportunity that must not be missed, and should have just played it cool and been there for her, if she was interested then things could have progressed, but hitting her with a verbal 'pick me now' method was not the way, together time and lots of thoughtful conversation and gentle sincere hugs and stuff would be much better, if she fell into your arms and cuddled you are in, but the go to dinner and tell her I want to be her boyfriend method is no good.

 

friendship is a two way street, no one is doing anyone a favor in being their friend, but some people try to hard and be friends to others that take advantage of them

[fridolyn]

That's a very interesting thread!!! Im in a similar situation. For the last few weeks, I've kept telling myself if I should tell my feelings for her. From what I've read, I won't say anything.

 

We've been friends for a long time. (I have had many girlfriends but I've never left sthat strong before.) Sometimes she gives me signs that she wants to be more than friends, sometimes its the complete opposite.

 

We are always together, I dont want to ruin that friendship but I think I will have to distance myself from her in order to do a little bit of thinking, meet other people etc. A bit selfish but it's the only way I've found to stop the "torture". She will probably wonder what's happening, then I may tell her what I just wrote here...

 

Fridolyn!!!

 

PS English is my second language, sorry if my post is not very clear!!!!

[a2000]

Don't say anything unless you know for sure that you will not get rejected.

[innerstrength]

Hi guys

 

Amazing this is my problem. I have been friends with this girl for a year and a half. I am crazy about her and its driving me insane. The feelings just increase everytime i see her. Its even got to the point where i check my msn hourly to see if she is online so i can talk to her. I really like her. She is 25 and i am 20. She has hinted to me that she likes me. She has invited me to watch her movie with her with some other friends. She has leaned her head on my shoulder for an entire train journey. She tells me that 'alot of girls like guys like you?',

 

On msn she has even sent me a smiley kiss! When we are sitting next to each other our elbows are touching for almost the entire conversation.

 

Recently we went home together and we went together wihout any of our friends. I couldn't help myself i complimented her to the last second we were together she also complimented me a little. We shared things that neither of us had shared with anyone eg. our childhood nicknames. She even said how much time flew on that journey. After the journey on msn she gave me her cell number because her old sim card went missing. Does this mean she likes me>? She has also told me that i am marriage material and have a great personality and also that if she had a sister she would let her marry me.

 

After that whenever i see her, she seems a little distant and she seems in an awkward posirion.

 

I haven;t told her directly that i am interested in her than more than just a friend but i have made it clear with the heavy flirty signals i have sent?

 

What do u guys think? Is she backing off saying that she wants to be just friends?

[blah100]

grymoire how do you cope with being friends now tho? the same thing has happened to me, iv kept my distance for the last few days and we had a row why i wasent keeping intouch but i dont know if i can be that close with her again with all these feelings! plus she has a new boyfriend and it kill me when i know there together, hes been away and she seems to think im acting weird and really wants us to be close again. any advice?

[monsieur]

I'm in the same boat. It seems like everything has changed now especially since she has made it clear she just wants to be friends. It is almost like when before deep down I had that glimmer of hope for a relationship and it made me want to be with her and spend time with her, and now that that hope has been squashed I just don't feel the same.... it is as though SHE betrayed my feelings for her (I know that doesn't sound right but if you are friends with someone and feeling even closer and closer to someone and then they say that they don't want to feel closer that makes you think they are not as good friends as you hoped before)

 

I just don't feel the same happiness and desire to hang out with her anymore.... it has been ruined. I'm thinking of moving away just to really make it final in my emotions.