2 days in a row - called yesterday ran into her today

[deejay74]

very interesting couple of days for me.

 

yesterday i voluntarily broke nc by calling her - i asked her some questions about a major at her school (i am interested in it) and then i told her i was going to be in her area and i asked her if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee. she wasn't in her area so i said ok and then i said talk to you later. i didn't feel too bad talking to her and it definitely was not a set back for me. i felt fine afterwards.

 

today, i was in union square taking care of errands. as i am crossing the street, i see someone that looks exactly like my ex walking on the other side of the street crossing and we were going to meet at the same corner. i get behind this person and everything looks exactly like her: body, clothes, the handbag, except, she's got blonde hair. i move up next to her and what do you know?! it's her!!

 

so i tapped her on the shoulder and she said hi and we started walking and chatting. she was on her way to see a friend. we were at the place where i normally take the train and she asked me if i had to go and i said i'd walk with her since i haven't spoken to her in a long time. so we walked a good distance and the conversation was light, we were just catching up and she actually asked some questions about me and my life. never once did i bring up anything about the relationship or what happened the last time i saw her. i feel pretty confident i was upbeat and didn't look sad or depressed, because i wasn't. so finally we get to the point where she has to get on her train and we gave each other a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then i told her "you know, you can call me." - she said "i know but i haven't because of the last time i saw you" (for those of you who don't know, there was a little drama last time we saw each other which was about a month ago). my answer to her was "i can understand, but things have changed since then. things are what they are and i've accepted it". then i said, "i would like to hang out with you again sometime" to which she answered "ok, we'll see". then we hugged again and i kissed her on the cheek again that was that.

 

to be honest, i don't feel bad at all and i don't think this is a set back in the very least. i am not sad, but i do remember how much i loved her. perhaps what i said at the end wasn't appropriate or maybe it seemed a little weak, but then i again, maybe not. it's hard to say because she knows me and i don't think i was saying like i was begging or pleading. her answer to us hanging out again wasn't bad and i honestly didn't know what she was going to say. i am not analyzing this at all. it felt good to see her and i am glad that i did. i am going back to NC but all in all, this past week felt really good, even with calling her yesterday and seeing her today.

 

if anyone has any input or comments, please let me know.

 

thanks.

[kadvati79]

Its not NC, but then, there are no simple rules in life that can be applied rigourously to every situation involving the heart.

 

You have a dialogue, and with that dialogue, you will achieve whatever end... whether that is friendship or more will really depend.

 

I suppose it all comes down too can you handle having contact with her? or possible re-rejection?

 

I think you handled that bloody well.

[Nathalie1970]

I think that's it's great that you're not feeling awful, but stick with NC. You don't want to regress to what you were a month ago.

 

Good Job

[ut_longhorn]

the hurt doesnt come till about a day later. i had a breaking NC thing a few days ago. was fine about it for a while. then it hit a couple days later. hopefully its not like that for you.

[deejay74]

the hurt doesnt come till about a day later. i had a breaking NC thing a few days ago. was fine about it for a while. then it hit a couple days later. hopefully its not like that for you.

 

yeah i hope not. the past 5 days have been the best i've had so far since the break up.

 

something recently clicked that's helped me deal with seeing her and talking to her and that is i've realized i don't want to be with her if she's been with someone else since me. i am 99% sure she has been, so why would i want that back among other things?

 

well you'll definitely see a post by me if it hits me in a couple of days.

[Msnak]

Dude...you're scaring me! I knew this was your post as soon as I saw the title. I remember the anguish you experienced about a month ago.

 

How weird that circumstances keep bringing you two together!?

 

But before you read anything into it, ask yourself...what is the purpose of staying in touch?

 

Do you miss her in your life? Her perspective, humor, her touch, her way with you? What still draws you to her?

 

Try and decode that before you bump into her again!!

 

And did you two end things well? Are there unforgettable, unforgiveable things that cannot be overcome?

 

Please be careful!

[octopus]

wow.. i'm kinda glad there's no way I can run into him... You did pretty well for a non-rehearsed encounter... I had to plan mine for 4 weeks for the one afternoon i knew i was going to see him!

 

Well, she sounds open now. Maybe she got dumped. Maybe he wasn't what she wanted. She might run back into your arms for a variety of reasons, but maybe this time you'll have the power.

 

I hope things will work out for the best.

[deejay74]

Dude...you're scaring me! I knew this was your post as soon as I saw the title. I remember the anguish you experienced about a month ago.

 

How weird that circumstances keep bringing you two together!?

 

But before you read anything into it, ask yourself...what is the purpose of staying in touch?

 

Do you miss her in your life? Her perspective, humor, her touch, her way with you? What still draws you to her?

 

Try and decode that before you bump into her again!!

 

And did you two end things well? Are there unforgettable, unforgiveable things that cannot be overcome?

 

Please be careful!

 

it scares you? how?

 

well i do miss her, but i have accepted things are the way they are and i can't do anything to change her mind even if i wanted her back. things are different, she seems different.

 

i will definitely think about those thing (and i still do for the most part).

 

she's the one who ended because she said she's too busy with school/work/goals/etc. i'm pretty sure i didn't do anything to cause the break up but i know i could've done things better, she always said i didn't do anything to influence her decision. and she knows i treated her well during the relationship.

 

and as i said, i am not reading into this run-in. it was kinda nice to see her but it changes nothing.

[Msnak]

OK, I was just worried you might get "caught up" in her, when it sounded as if a month ago, you almost were, but managed to stop. I guess I wouldn't want you to go through unnecessary backpeddling or pain.

 

But you sound confident that everything will be fine and that you've learned lessons already from this relationship. That puts you way ahead!

[gratefulpain]

you did well... sounds like you ae healing. NC is good it has been for me.... she call now and again...my ex is seeing someone... she told me they were intimate about 4 days after our breakup... talk about floored and devestated... I miss her... (id never tell her) some call it foolish pride.... I call it survival... being a guy... I atleast have one shred of dignity left... she went and tested the waters with some rebound guy... f*&^ that.... she broke it beyond repair... kinnda like a blown head gasket on a beater car... it aint worth fixin.....

[sukerbut]

dude please staw away from her....you still want this girl..i dont care what you say..the only reason you want to hang wiht ther is becasue you have hope to make things work...dont regress any more..i know the way your feeling TRUST ME i do...what has her answer again ..oh thats right "we will see" does not sound very reasuring to me...why keep her as your friend, why try to coerce her into trying again if she does not have any feelings for you..i mean do what you want and i wish you the best of luck , ir eally do but i think you are just digging a deeper hole for you to get out of with the healing process, maybe i am just a bitter man but i know your intentions..so dont sit there and tell us you dont want her back becasue she has been with someone...anways good luck we will be here for you

[deejay74]

you're right, her answer wasn't reassuring. i never took at as that - i took it at face value "we'll see". if nothing happens, then it doesn't, but if something does, it will. i am not waiting by the computer or phone for her to invite me out anywhere.

 

it is what it is and there's nothing i can do to change things, i told her this as well.

[Royltnxile]

I've been following your posts Iwant, and I think you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak by staying in contact with you. Iv'e been in your situation and never again will I be. When someone walks away from you..let them bloody well walk!

 

Why did you call her and break no contact? To ask her about something that was merely a lame excuse to talk to her??????? Not healthy, and shows you have not "accepted" anything yet. You haven't let go and accepted that it's over. You are hanging on.

 

I"m going to post here an excerpt from an earlier post I did to you on another thread regarding hanging around being her "friend":

 

You are kidding yourself to think that if you just stay her friend, she will eventually wake up, come to her senses, and want you again in a romantic way. It won't happen like that. Your best course of action to preserve any kind of romantic possibilities with her in the future is to withdraw from her completely, practice NC, and move on with your life. Reconnection through disconnection. This is a hard concept to grasp but it's the only way. The first step to getting anyone "back" is to let go. How do you let go you ask? Put any thoughts of being her "friend" out of your mind, focus on yourself, and start meeting new people. Accept that the romantic connection between you and her is over and realize that there is nothing you can do to "bring her around". If you and her are meant to be friends, then life will bring the two of you back together as true friends at some point in time. If you and her are meant to be together as romantic partners again, the God will to that as well. Let Go and Let God...

She knows you love her.

She knows you want to be with her again.

She knows she could have you back at the drop of a hat as well.

She's comfortable and content in this knowledge, believe me! Her ego is dependent upon this knowledge. Trust me on that one as well.

 

Disconnect from her. Let her go. Remaining false "friends" with her will neither bring her back to you, nor will it allow you to let go. Don't do it.

 

Do what you want, I wish you luck, but I just think that after all you have described about this girl, she is all about herself... Why pathetically try to stay attached to her when she chose to discard you so flippantly?

[deejay74]

hey thanks for re-posting this, i do appreciate your help/insight. the thing is, i am pretty sure she doesn't want me in any romantic way and i am not sure if i do either. as i said, things are different, she seems different. who knows how many guys she's slept with since me, do i want someone like that back? not really.

 

you seem really adamant on having me break all contact. listen, i've accepted the fact that i will probably always hold on to some sort of reconciliation, but acting on it is completely different. i am hoping that a friendship may be better than being her b/f. and again, she doesn't want me back as her b/f either.

 

i'll take your advice, it seems like it would be easier now than ever before.

[sukerbut]

what an excellent post roy!!!and so on the money. well done kudos to you

[deejay74]

hey roy and suker, i appreciate the help and insight you both have posted and while i agree with you both, i now feel alittle bad for what happened and what i did.

 

i wasn't feeling like this before i read your posts and don't get me wrong, i know you're just trying to help. yeah i could've helped calling her the other day, but running into her yesterday was a coincidence. i was happy to see her and i am in a different place now. my feelings for her i doubt with ever go away and with your logic, that means i should never talk to her or see her, right?

 

again, i am not blaming you for the way i feel now. it just seems like no matter what i do, it leaves me feeling bad. i was happy to see her yesterday but now i am not so sure after reading what you guys have said.

 

anyway, thanks for your help.

[ut_longhorn]

yup its always like that. you feel pretty good right after breaking no contact. you analyze the conversation and think you yourself "hey that wasnt so bad....i did pretty well." then the excitement settles, and the lonliness seeps in again. i know the cycle. i broke nc a week ago after 5 weeks of NC..thinking we could be friends. nope...gotta wait a long while longer. maybe by that time, i wont even want to be friends with her.

[Msnak]

Roy-- great advice. I should print it for myself, as I try to drown my thirst for an ex who probably doesn't even realize what a prize I was when he had a chance with me.

 

Iwantherback--It seems like everyone really remembers what you went through a while ago and want to spare you further anguish. You said you feel bad...don't. You're just fine. Sometimes we take one big step forward and a tiny step backwards. Just keep moving forward.

 

In the meantime, I have another question for you to ponder. Are there certain things about this woman that you would like to find within someone new? Make a mental list of those qualities and use that as a guide.

 

Good luck!

[deejay74]

yup its always like that. you feel pretty good right after breaking no contact. you analyze the conversation and think you yourself "hey that wasnt so bad....i did pretty well." then the excitement settles, and the lonliness seeps in again. i know the cycle. i broke nc a week ago after 5 weeks of NC..thinking we could be friends. nope...gotta wait a long while longer. maybe by that time, i wont even want to be friends with her.

 

well my feelings weren't quite like that. after reading royltnxile and sukerbut's posts, i felt rather foolish, but after thinking about it some more, what's done is done. i did what i felt was the right thing and it did feel good to see her.

 

we'll see what happens next, if anything.

 

msnak - yes, there are many things about my ex that i want to find in another person, but i know it's not going to be that easy.

[sukerbut]

foolish..please! foolish is running into your ex in a club and making a drunken fool of yourself in front of her friends..foolish is still sending her poems, b-day gifts and lsot jewlery you found in your pockets to her with "im still your biggest fan notes" not too long ago after she has reassured you that its over and made you feel like a complete asss ..haha dont worry bout being foolish..it does not matter what you look like to her..who cares...worry bout fixing yourself and finding the next one that is going to rock your world...put her in the coffin and send her 6 feet under cause she dead to you bro...she had no problem putting you in cement shoes and throwing you in the river..!!! now feel foolish for feeling foolish becasue she is not even worth one more emotion from you...(by the way im feeling stong today lol)