soooo confused :(

[q-9]

Hi everyone, I have been reading a lot of these posts for the last month or so and it is a great forum for support anyway here is my sad story

 

me and my GF or EX whatever you want to call her have been together for 9 years, ever since i was 17 years old! She's my one and only and she is my first true love. About 9 months ago she admitted that she cheated on me with this dude from work and i was really messed up when I found out. I got every detail of what happened and it was very painful to hear but I had to know. Reason why she did it was because I wasn't giving her attention, not being intimate with her etc. she was Holding on to me for dear life asking for my forgiveness, crying, pleading, saying she's sorry. She really looked like death; she wasn't eating, or sleeping. I wanted to move out but I didn't. I said to myself, I love this women and I want to work on this because I saw my faults as well. So I said lets give this a shot. So we went 9 months of living together and we never uttered a word of what she did. It was one dirty secret. I was afraid to mention it to her because I thought she would get upset. One friday she went out with this hairdresser that usually cuts our hair, I called her around 1 o clock and there was no answer on her cell so I was really getting this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, she called back like 20 minutes later saying sorry she had the cell on vibrate and it was in her purse and she's on the way home. I left it at that. But the next night which was the Saturday, we decided to stay home, we grabbed some wine rented a movie, as I almost drank the whole bottle of wine I SNAPPED! I called her all these names, all those old feeling of her cheating came back, all the things that I didn't say at the time came out! Calling her all these nasty names, mentioning her ex's before me, telling her that she's probably sleeping all these people at work. Its like I wanted to say all these things just to hurt her. I don't know what came over me. A lot of things I said I didn't even remember the next morning.

 

The next morning she was gone, she went to church then came back and asked me why I said all those nasty things to her, and I couldn't really explain it. All I can say was that I needed to get a lot of things off my chest and I was really drunk and im so sorry for what I said it wasn't right. It's not like me to do that, I am not a heavy drinker I don't verbally abuse women I don't lie, cheat etc. but something came over me that night. She said that she wanted some space for a few days and that she's really messed up. I wanted to be very supportive so I asked how long she wanted space she couldn't give me an answer…to cut this story short a few days turned into 2 months, im living with my mom now, we still talk every day, we see each other once in awhile, we haven't been intimate though. She's really giving me mixed msgs..she said that she wants to be with me but she cant right now, she says her feelings haven't changed but I think that's a lie because if that was the case, we would be working on this relationship right now. I ask her so many times if she wants me to get on with my life but she wont give me an answer, all she says is.if that's what you want to do then do it. Our anniversary was on Friday and she came over my moms and gave me card saying how much she loves me and she slept over. Then I ask her why shes celebrating our aniversay if we are not together. Once again she didn't say anything.

 

Im so confused, I don't know what to do with this situation, should I just let her go? It kills me to even think about it but if that's something I have to do then I guess its for the best right?

 

i dont know im so confused...

[princessdi75]

You need to figure out what YOU want. If you want to be with her, then talk it out with her and tell her you need a straight answer of what she wants. You're either together, or your not. If you're not going to be together than I suggest NC so that she doesn't keep playing these games with you.

[dishrag]

I'd tell her that you never really healed from the cheating incident and that you thought you could just bury it and the thoughts would go away. But they didn't. Ask if she will go to counselling with you, NOT TO FIX THE RELATIONSHIP, but just so she could help you get the thoughts of what happened behind you. If you make it very clear that counselling is going to be for the benefit of getting past the incident, and that her talking about what happened is beneficial to your healing process, then you're doing 2 things. 1) You are getting past this problem so that you never blow up about it again. 2) You are becoming a better partner and someone she may be able to trust again because you won't blow up at her. If she refuses to go, start NC immediately and go by yourself. Do the opposite of what you would normally do (no more talking daily and trying to revamp the relationship or her feelings). She feels betrayed and scared because you blew up at her. She won't show her vulnerable self to you again until she can regain the trust. Yes, she probably did worse things to you than you did to her, but she still feels hurt and is protecting herself by not talking to you.

 

I wouldn't tell her the following because she's just going to say it's an excuse for your actions, but it's true that alcohol affects our inhibitions. Your inhibitions are what caused you to put your feelings behind you. The alcohol helps eliminate those inhibitions to the point where you will say those things you normally wouldn't sober. This is probably why you blew up. She will probably disagree with you if you say this. It may have to come from the counsellor for her to believe it.

[q-9]

Thanks for all the support guys,

 

Actually I forgot to mention that we had scheduled a counseling appointment 2 weeks ago. We went to the counselor yesterday and it was very incite full. I wanted to mention that she called me about 2 hours before the appointment crying her eyes out to me on the phone. She said that she knows that she’s confusing me and its not right but its so hard for to get back into the relationship because she is so scared that I will say those things again. She also mentioned that if things don’t work out between us that she won’t be here, she said not that she will kill herself but she doesn’t want to be in this city. I wanted to say so much but just letting her vent and cry was probably the best thing to do before we went to see the counselor. She said she can’t stand the thought of not talking to me and it kills her inside to imagine a world without me, she’s confused as to why she is so scared. She keeps asking me why she can’t be normal and forgive me like I forgave her for what she did. I just replied I don’t know but ill pick u up in an hour so we can talk to the counselor.

 

I pick her up and we get to the office and the counselor sits us down. We explain our situation and he basically said that you’re relationship is in limbo and what we have to do is not talk to each other everyday. He pointed at me and said that you’re problem is that you want to know if you’re together everyday and I have to stop asking her everyday if we are going to work on this now. He said human nature is to run away when your being pressured, and to chase when that person is running away. So we basically have to start dating once a week or so without having to rehash things all the time to see if we can be civil around each other and be happy etc. she said she is looking forward to seeing me on our date I said me too, but deep down its very odd being with someone for 9 years and now we have to start dating again. We are going back to the counceler on the 20th so lets see what happens.

 

I don’t know I’m going to miss talking to her and I just hope this works if not then I will be sad that I lost the love of my life. I’m willing to try anything though.

[dishrag]

Glad to hear that you are going to counselling. In response to your last comment, if this doesn't work, see another counsellor!!! Find someone who specializes in relationships. I've been seeing Dr. Frank Gunzburg for relationship advice and personal growth and he is so much better to deal with because he deals with relationships and relationship issues as his primary practice. He coached us on how to talk with one another because communication is key. If you just date weekly and can't communicate, it isn't going to work anyway.

 

Editted to add - you need to work on the issue of this cheating incident. Make sure you get that out of counselling. Otherwise, you'll still have trust issues with her. It's OK to feel that way but it's also OK to get through it and over it this way.

[q-9]

well he did say we have to communicate, but not in a way that lets our guard up to one another, because right now every time we speak its always about the relationship, and were do we go from here...and I'm always asking why she is doing this to us, why cant we just be together etc. What happens is she gets so defensive and we just end up arguing about our past issues and nothing gets better.

 

But i do see you're point, if we stop talking to eachother for long periods of time and only see one another once a week, it might not help matters. It might just make it worse, i really don't know, why must relationships be so damn confusing.

[dishrag]

I'm always asking why she is doing this to us, why cant we just be together etc. What happens is she gets so defensive and we just end up arguing about our past issues and nothing gets better.

 

This is EXACTLY what I went through before my ex walked out on me. This is a clue. You need to get the past resolved. Without that, you can't forget about the incident, she can't forget about you blowing up on her. Please bring this up next session for help. Otherwise anger and resentment will prevent future growth.

[q-9]

So i guess you're now ex just got frustrated and left you, i hope that dosent happen to me. I want to work on this and i will do anything in my power to work on this problem.

 

She just called me right now. She said its hard for not talking to me and she called to say she loves me and she misses me. She said that she wants this to help us so if another 9 yearts go by this wont happen. I agreed and said i will talk to you soon and i love you aswell dont ever forget that. kept it simple and ya thats about it.......

[dishrag]

My ex had some interesting problems that resulted in her going into early menopause. Nothing I could do made her happy. There was also an emotional affair going on with another guy, lots of hiding of information and lies. I called her on it so many times but she told me I just trying to make her feel bad. I was just sharing my feelings of being betrayed and hurt by her. She quit opening up to me completely. I turned myself inside out to show her that I'd do what I could to make this work. But, she thought she needed to get away because she would be happier. I kept pressuring her to make things work after 9 years of marriage. Went to 2 different counsellors and even drug her to one joint session but she refused to participate. Now, I don't initiate contact. She blames me for not wanting to raise a family with her but she isn't able to see that I couldn't trust her health, her emotional affair or her moodiness. When I finally accepted all of that after 9 months and became very submissive to her and let her call all the shots, she just took advantage of my feelings and sabotaged the relationship and blames me for why she left to this day.

 

My situation is more complex than yours but I know what it's like to be betrayed and have to revisit the flashbacks and try not to blame her. Until you can treat the incident as just an incident and lose the betrayed feelings, you will not get over this. I wasn't able to get over it until my ex said "It's too late."