Feeling so miserable.

[JonnyG]

My dream is now becoming a nightmare. I like older women. I find them more sexual attractive. More interesting. More understanding. Just in general I have always found them nicer people. Strangily enough it seems older girls like me. I don't know why. But the problem im having of course is that these relationships don't last due to the age gap (well for me anyway).

 

2 years ago i met M. She is nearly 9 years older than me. She also has a child (divorced). I spent about 6 weeks with her. I didnt see her all too much (due to her being a single parent), but for the first time in my life I found someone I REALLY liked. Life felt good. I liked someone, they liked me. A crazy feeling. After those 6 weeks she told me her ex wanted her back as they were on just a temp break up as things were getting serious and he was young himself so he needed time to think. She wasent sure if they were going to be together again so when she bumped into me she decided to go out with me. I was so gutted. I took like a ridiculous 6 months to basically get over it.

 

Last year, out of the blue M tx me. It had been 9 months since i heard from her and 14 months or so since i last saw her. We ended up meeting up and going out again. She told me she had been single for 6 months and things obviously didnt work out with the last guy and she said she should not have split with myself. Yep. I was over the moon again. This time we just seemed to click better. We met up more and we tx/phoned more. Things were going fine. Roll on 6 weeks and it all falls apart again. She said that she couldnt be dealing with a serious relationship and she needed to find someone older and financial better off than myself (i had only just started working my first job after uni, hadent all the money in the world). I was gutted again. But at least this time It didnt feel so bad as I could understand why she should be wanting an older guy and someone who can look after her and her daughter.

 

It wasent long before i got the first msgs from her when she had had a few to drink and she couldnt hold back from telling me she missed me. Its my belief that she likes me a lot, but doesnt want to as she thinks there's no future in it (my friend told me she told him this). Of course this is were my ongoing problems continued with this girl. I think God wanted to punish me in all honest. Im out every weekend but somehow whenever she seemed to tx and asked to meet up I couldnt for one reason or another. I was either in an underground nightclub, so had no signal. Was not in the area, Or twice I was with another girl. In fact we only met up once in 4 months and with her txing me on 5 separate occasions to meet up. Its just typical that perhaps with any of these meetings it was still possible to salvage a relationship with her. Show her what she is missing. Of course im sure many of u are thinking "Don't bother with her", which is exactly my brother's view. He told me not to see her again the second time i went out with her.

 

Onto this other girl I was referring to as someone I was seeing and twice while with this girl M tx me wanting to meet up. So of course I couldnt see her. This lady (G) was pretty much perfect. Stunning looks. A heart of gold. My only complaint was that she was a smoker, and of course the small matter of her age. She is 35. So over 10 years older than myself. Even though we got off to a great start i still thought about M intially. I just thought "typical" when I just started seeing G that again M was showing interest. But I decided to obviously give G a chance and I was so glad I did. Over the weeks I saw G I just found her more and more attractive and at last found that there were others out there who i could REALLY like. I spent 2 months with her. Had a great time. She is the best girl I have ever spent time with in all honesty. But after those 2 months it came to the crunch. I was thinking no matter how much i like her, she is just too old and she was thinking the same. She was thinking how she wanted to marry again and have children and at 35 she hadent all the time in the world for the latter. We decided it was best not to see each other. She was the main decider. I was a third time severely gutted. This was only going back about 6 weeks.

 

I've tried to forget women problems, but since the second time i spent with M we have kept in contact by tx every couple of weeks or so, just to see how each other are, or if she decided she suddenly missed me again. Its pathetic I know, but since the summer I've always had hope that myself and M could get back together. I like her, she likes me.

 

So roll on to last night. Im out and i tx her. We chat away a bit and she tells me where she is. I meet up with her and discover that she now has a bf. Literally just a couple of weeks ago she got together with this guy. Its been a total of like 6 months that i havent been going out with her. But we have kept in contact and of course amazingly everytime I had the chance to meet up, perhaps change her mind and give it another chance i have some how never rec the tx at a good time and only met her once in the time. I just cant believe it that now im single again and last night I thought I had the chance to perhaps change her mind, she now has a bf.

 

The timing couldnt have been better. Im still obviously upset after G, and now the other girl in my life is seeing someone else after 6 months of been single and always looking like there was a hope (sorry, i know how pathetic it must all sound) and last night was a chance I thought but end up discovering she is now with someone else.

 

In my pretty much worse for wear state (celebrating a nice bonus) I got quite upset. I cant really remember the end of the night. I ended up going home early. And literally cried my eyes out in bed before sleep. Checking my phone this morning i saw I tx her last night to say that I understood and everythings fine but it was obvious i was quite simply jealous and sad. I did apologise and she said I didnt offend her or upset her at all and she did actually apologise to me as she knows she has always kept me on the line and she probably knew last night that I had the thought that there was a chance again.

 

Since finishing with G,a 3rd woman has appeared, and funnily enough, she is 34. She showed all the interest in the world to meet up last week but seems to have settled down a bit. We were going to meet up this weekend, but it hasent happened, and so were meant to next weekend. Im thinking "What is the point?". I know its going to be more of the same. The scary thing is she is married. This is the one thing that has got me to really question what the hell im doing. I don't know what's happened to me. Im so lonely and sad (even angry) and im not even thinking straight now. I can't believe that im even contemplating meeting her. Think shes thinking the same thing hence why its settled down. I am playing with fire here but there's still time to stop this.

 

Due to the above im starting to not believe what is happening to me. I don't even like myself. Im planning to meet someone who is with someone else. If I was the husband I would kill me if I dared to meet her. I feel that im just starting to get so desperate to find someone who i like and who likes me. Im sick of being alone. M & G are the only 2 girls I have so far spent time with in my life who I REALLY like and care about and the total time I've spent with them is like 5 months. Really not showing much for 24 years.

 

I just don't get why i feel so sad. Im 24 years, i have plenty of time to meet new girls etc. And with all this sadness comes GUILT. Im feeling so selfish for whinging about my life when so many others have it far worse. My lil brothers bored to death of hearing my moans and sulks. So have my flatm8s. Im sicked of whinging. Im sick of spending so much of my life so sad. It scares me how sad I often feel. This is not how i imagined life to be. I can except feeling down sometimes but not pretty much all the time. Its sunday night now, its always depressing anyway with the thought of work the next day, but made all the worse i've spent my whole day not doing much and moaning on a website. Made all the worse thinking about 2 girls who mean so much to me yet don't share the feelings back for me. Knowing that M is now with someone else. I may never see her again, let alone go out with her again (and why am i even thinking that would be a good idea to be honest? Havent i learnt the first 2 times?) Knowing that I am an absolute ******* for even contemplating meeting up with a married woman. Knowing that im in a job that has no relevance to what I want to do and with my motivation I'll be there the rest of my life. Knowing that I go to the gym and work out like a bull for 7 years and although by no means is my body bad, its not what I deserve after all the time, effort and money i've thrown into it all. Knowing that i'll probably go bald soon and my already joke of a self esteem will go lower....

 

I could go on all night. Im sure many other people here could with their problems but the majority of people here and in life just seem emotionally tougher than me. I don't know why I have become this miserable pathetic person. Im sure im not in the right frame of mind now due to the recent events, but all I want to do is enjoy life and I think im wasting so much of it.

 

I read through any post I make on this site and it pains me to read just how badly I type things up. I've spent hours making the thread and it really hasent come out right. Reading the thread I feel like im coming accross as a jerk. *sigh*

 

P.S. Sorry if u read this Nick.

[Sunshine07]

You don't sound like a jerk. You just sound very confused and hurt. I'm going to be completely honest with you. I had a female professor for a sexuality class was in her forties and who openly admitted to dating male "friends" being only interested in sex, all of whom were a lot younger than her. These women probably think you're fun, wonderful, great guy, but that doesn't mean they aren't being selfish.

 

DO NOT see the married woman. You are already having doubts about it and already feeling guilty about it. Don't do it.

 

You're very young. It's not always easy to find people who like you and who you like back, no matter how old you are. It can be hard to let go, but you must. You need to make room in your heart for people who are willing to give back to you. Rest assured, there are girls out there who will like you for who you are, but you are not open to them while you are stuck on these women who have already moved on, or seeing someone who is married.

[DN]

You are not a jerk but you do seem to pick women who are not right for you. The problem is that women who are in their thirties have a different agenda than someone in their twenties and that is always going to be a problem.

 

Maybe you should think about not looking for a serious relationship but just spend some time dating casually regardless of any age difference. That may give you a new perspective and allow you to discover what it is you really want and is best for you.

 

In other words - lighten up on yourself and don't take things so seriously for a while.

[JonnyG]

Thx for the replies. Both are good. Your right DN, I am seeing the wrong people. I don't know why, but i just like older girls. And funnily every girl i have ever been with or just basically pulled on a night out (at least in last 5 years) has been older than me. Younger girls just never seem so keen on me, its not that I look old or anything, I don't get it. Unfortunately its these younger girls I should be thinking about. I actually had 2 girls come upto me yesterday who were my age, but of course when I had chatted to M by tx there was only one person on my mind that night.

 

Your also right that I take things too seriously.Its stupid, I want a full time girlfriend, but I have no intention of things like marriage or kids til 30+. Im am only young still, i should be having fun with many girls, but for some reason that doesnt appeal. I just feel i want more than just "fun", it sounds a bit cheesy but I feel I have all this love to give and I cant do that with "fun". Plus I would want the same in return. Maybe its a phase. Hell, I could prob end up going out with a girl for a year and then think to myself "what am I doing getting tied down so early on in my life?" and then the thought of ever getting serious again being a scary thought.

[Sunshine07]

The thing is, you should really be focused on having fun right now, because something serious (and love) doesn't usually happen unless people have fun and really enjoy each other's company at first. The first step is always just casually enjoying one another and having a good time. And I think focusing on wanting a girlfriend takes the fun out of it.