do u think she'll be over me?

[hammo]

I've posted about this topic recently, there's one thing i'd like your guys' opinion on.

I liked girl1 for quite a while (a year now), but she claimed she didn't like me, when in truth she was undecided.

She went away for a month-long holiday (about 2 months ago) knowing that i still like her. When she came back she found out i had started going out with her best friend(girl2). Thats when i found out girl1 liked me. she was miserable and got into an argument with girl2. She was terrible started drinking heavily for one night (which isn't normal for her)

a week later she went away for another 4month long holiday overseas. Girl2 (my girlfriend atm) went with her for 2 weeks (she came back 3 weeks ago). During these 2 weeks girl1 told my girlfriend that she likes me, a number of times. 2 days after the last time, she told girl2 she's stopped liking me in that way anymore (which is very hard to believe)

It's been almost a month since i last spoke to girl1, other than two casual e-mails.

The problem is ive decided i made a HUGE mistake, and i should have just quickly ended things with girl2 while i had the chance and gone after girl1.

 

Question: girl1 obviously liked me a lot a month ago, and possibly for a time before that. Do u think she'd be over me by now, or do i still have a chance to turn things around? I've made up my mind that i want to try, ive thought about it for a few weeks now. (Note that she doesn't know this, she knows im going out with girl2 and thinks i like girl2 more)

[Msnak]

It doesn't appear there's a real reason for her to NOT like you. So what if you talked to some other girls? You were single.

 

You can express your interest, it'll take being brave, but at least you'll find out one way or another. It can't hurt.

 

For this, maybe adopt a "Why not?" attitude.

[hammo]

Sorry, maybe i didn't make this point clear: I started going out (she became my girlfriend) with girl1's best friend a few days before she came back from her first holiday. I'm STILL going out with girl2

if i find out girl1 still likes me, i'm going to break up with girl2.

I know it's mean and i feel guilty for it, but i've made up my mind that i like girl1 more (no-one knows it yet) and i'll be happier with her. (btw, she gets back in three months, so i only have e-mail and text contact with her)

[Msnak]

Hmm, that could be tough. I just saw my best friend end a relationship with her close friend over a similiar situation.

 

I don't know....if your girl is a forgiving and understanding person, you should be just fine. But women usually have an unwritten code not to date anyone their friends might like or used to date.

[hammo]

Yea... girl1 really hurt my girlfriend's feelings a few times when she found out about us goiong out, and i'm pretty sure she'd at least strongly consider going out with me anyway (if she still likes me of course)

 

My girlfriend is a forgiving person. The thing that worries me is that in situations like this she'd get depressed and blame herself for everything.. but that is a complete different story and i'll cross that bridge once i get to it. first i gotta find out if girl1 still likes me.

[Msnak]

Good luck! Don't get your hopes up, though. But tell her that you've liked her all along and really want to give things a try.

[hammo]

hey thanks for the advice. if anyone else has any advice, please share it.

[confusedmale]

The only dilemma I can see you facing is that you end up w/o either of them. thats something you have to consider, however if your feelings are for girl1 you have to explain that to girl2 because its not fair to either of you. I know at the moment you feel bad wanting to break off w/ girl2, but it is a lot better than allowing this to go on any longer. but i two have heard the unwritten code between girl friends not to date the others ex.

 

guys don't really have that code, as I had dated my friends ex for 4 yrs, he wasn't crazy about it obviously but it all worked itself out.

 

oh ya, and sometimes people become more interested in something they can't have or missed out on. as in, girl1 may have become more attracted to you b/c you had moved on and started dating another girl and weren't showing her the attention you once did. i remember the night before i went out w/ my recent ex, a girl who I was friends w/ and who I had wanted to date (but was rejected), came on very strong to me and was calling me continuously until I changed my #.

 

you have to listen to your heart in a case like this. good luck man

[hammo]

my girlfriend does know i still like girl1, she just doesn't know how much. I told her when girl2 comes back, things may be uncertain, and she figured out that i might break up with her.

I feel really horrible about this, but ill try to contact girl1 about this without letting girl2 know. if i get rejected, ill just stay with my current girlfriend and do my very best at getting over girl1.

If i girl1 does agree to go out when she comes back, i have 3 months to figure out how to dump girl2 in the nicest most painless way i can possibly figure out (despite liking girl1, i care about girl2 and want her in my life if that is possible).

[mystik]

A girl's perspective? A very blunt one? Seeing as it has only been guys who have answered...

 

Break up with girl2 no matter what. If I were in her position I'd be CHOKED. She might get upset if you break up with her, but it's for the best. There's this song with the lyrics in it, "love me or set me free." You need to do that. You need to set her free. If you really horrible about it, break up with her. How in the world is this fair to her?

 

What if she finds out you contacted girl 1 and girl 1 had rejected you? Then she'll know that "hey my boyfriend liked some other girl, basically asked her out, she said no...so he came back to me." I'm sure she would feel really great about herself. You obviously don't love her. I have seen this exact situation with my three friends and frankly, none of us think too highly of the guy anymore. Put yourself in your current girlfriend's shoes. What if she went around asking all these guys out she was interested in because you weren't good enough for her? They all turn her down so she turns to you and says "well I guess you'll do." How would you feel?

 

If everyone did this, continue chasing other people, while in current relationships, what's the point of having them? Why not just casually date instead of pretending or "trying" to be in a committing relationship and completely leading on your partner. It just seems really unfair to me.

 

I believe you when you say you still care about girl2...but sorry dude, you don't care about her enough. You care for her as a friend and you want her there. But, really, aren't you just keeping her as sort of a back-up plan?

 

Don't waste her time. I know from experience that I'd rather my boyfriend dumped me instead of staying with me because other options might not work out. I want a guy who would love me with all his heart, live for me, and die for me. I want a guy who I would feel that same way about. And trust me when I say that your current girlfriend wants that too.

 

No matter how upsetting getting dumped is, she will get over it. There's plenty of other guys other there so don't feel too guilty. She'll say she wants you back, because she doesn't want to lose you, and you always want what you can't have. But once she's over you, she's going to realize that she would never have wanted to stay in a relationship where her boyfriend is always second-guessing his love for her, KNOWS he will be happier elsewhere, and actually does something about it.

 

I know you don't mean to be mean, and you feel guilty. BUT, If you really care about her, let her free, let her find a guy who will truly love her. Don't you think that's only right?

 

That's my take on it. Anyone else?

 

P/S there IS certainly a code of not dating your friend's exes..in fact, there's this code where as soon as you know a guy is potentially one of your girlfriends' you turn off all your attraction to him. It's not to say that you can't find him good-looking, but you kind of think 'okay he's hers' and you dont really become attracted to him and look elsewhere. That's the way it is with me and my girlfriends anyway.

[hammo]

Thanks for the reply mystik, i understand what you're saying.

I'm probably just making excuses here.. but i am quite confident in saying that if girl1 was to stay overseas, or if she didn't exist, i would be ready to fall in love and quite possibly stay with girl2 for the rest of my life. That's what makes this so difficult for me to decide what to do.

 

And no i really do want girl2 as a friend. ive been friends with her for almost 8 years, so i really do want her around wether as a girlfriend or friend.

[mystik]

I don't question that you want to be at least friends with girl2... I don't know...I just don't understand how you can fall in love with someone - for real - when at the same time you are certain you could be happier elsewhere. Unfortunately, girl 1 DOES exist, as do your feelings for her. I guess you're going to go with the original plan anyway, so my question is, are you going to tell girl 2 what you are doing? Or are you going to go behind her back? You realize that it's going to get back to her if you do ask girl1 out, even if she rejects you? They are somewhat friends right, and probably have shared friends too. How are you going to do this? Do it if you must, but you have to really consider what girl2 deserves too...

[hammo]

Yeah ill probably go with the original plan, and yes i will go behind girl2's back. I know its bad, but i think in this situation it will be best. I'll just ask girl1 to keep it a secret. (i've known her for 8 years as well and i think i can trust her *fingers crossed*)

 

Yes actually they've been friends since they were 3. but their friendship has not been very good lately because of me. Which is may make it easier to convince girl1 to keep it a secret, and also more likely that girl1 will break that rule girls have. ... On the other hand if i ruined their friendship forever i would feel very guilty indeed.

 

If i tell girl2 what i'm doing, ill lose her anyway wether i get rejected or not (or she'll be very unhappy in the relationship which i don't really want either)

If i don't tell girl2 and i get rejected i still have a chance of staying with her and doing my best to forget girl1.

 

If girl1 agrees to go out, as i said, she comes back in three months so i have that time to break up with girl2 in the nicest way i can find.

 

It's the fact that i know that girl1 probably still likes me. If i knew for sure she didnt id get over her a lot easier, but if she does i cant stand the thought of missing my (probably) last chance of being with her.

[mystik]

I don't see an awful lot of respect going on here on your behalf.

 

..................

 

Are you thinking about anyone apart from yourself here? Cos I can't see how you are from anything you've posted. All I see is you working out how you can end up with a girl at the end of the day.

 

Since no one else was responding I was starting to think that maybe I was the only one who saw it this way. Mouse_potato is right, the only thing you're trying to ensure at the end of the day, is that you are happy. You told me earlier something along the lines of "maybe im making excuses here but I do care for girl 2 too.." or something like that. Yeah, you're right, you ARE making excuses. Girl2 deserves much more than this. I've been girl2 and so has mouse_potato from her post, and trust us when we say she WILL find out. Honestly, you don't deserve girl2, and you know it. All these feelings of guilt and meanness, they're there for a reason. You said she would break up with you if she found out so let her.

 

What, you can break up with her if your options don't work out, but she can't break up with you? You're going to make sure that she's not even going to get a chance to know the real you to decide for herself... completely unfair.

 

Be a real man and live with the consequences of your actions instead of being so selfish! At least tell girl2 so that she has actual choice in the matter, it's not only you in this relationship. You want out, but you want a back up plan...well that's just great. Let her find someone who will put her first.

[hammo]

Okay mystik and mouse_potato, you've convinced me. I want to tell girl2 the truth. The thing is do i tell her before i contact girl1 or straight afterwards?

 

I want tell her everything and ask her what she wants to do. I know she likes me a lot and as far as i can tell she'd settle being second best if i gave her the choice to be with me anyway(if she chooses this should i got with it, or break up with her anyway?)

 

 

Oh yes, and things just got a whole lot more complicated today afternoon, and i really don't know what to do now:

 

I'm her third boyfriend. Her first boyfriend treated her like crap. She has had trouble trusting any guys since then, and she says i'm the first guy that's been really nice to her, even if i do like her friend as well.

The problem is that she admitted to me that she's cut herself twice before, and is thinking of doing it again, because she's feeling depressed. She also told me about how when she was with her previous boyfriend she was very close to commiting suicide at one point(it wasn't because of him, she was just going through a rough time at work and school).

She seems to have accepted the fact that there is a possibility i might break up with her because of girl1(i havent told her of my plan yet)

She also told me she has been feeling constantly sad ever since her first boyfriend cheated on her (about 2 years ago)

We had a talk about it, and i suggested that maybe she has depression and she should see someone about it. She told me the thought of having depression has never crossed her mind. I asked her if she would go see a therapist or someone(i'm going to try find someone, i have a friend who was depressed a while ago) if i went with her. She says she doesn't know, she says that it'd be difficult to for example, tell her parents that she might have depression.

I think that i may have convinced her that its probably the best thing to do right now. I'm going to ring her later tonight to talk to her about it more.

 

I also, as i have a few times before told her:

 

"The future may be uncertain for us, but i want you to know that i will always care about you and will always be there to support you no matter what is going on between us. You are not only a good girlfriend but also a great friend and i want yo around in my life always no matter in what way. If you ever want a shoulder to cry on, cheering up, or just a hug, wether we are together as friends or a couple, all you need to do is tell me and i will help you."

(this is all true and i really do mean it)

 

What do i do guys? Help me? I want to break up with girl2 to go out with girl1, but i care about girl2 and i'm afraid of what she might do. I want to help her throught depression and any therapy/whatever but as a friend. (right now apart from holding hands and the occasional kiss we pretty much interact like best friends anyway.)

[mystik]

I think you should tell her before you talk to girl1. If you're going to do this, it's best you're upfront about it. Tell girl2 that you're not sure what's going to happen but you need to find out. Find out what girl2 has to say about it. At least give her the chance to say no, I want out. If, instead, she does say, I'll wait and see, then decide...then I guess you've got her blessing and you did the right thing by not lying about it. Either way, I think she deserves to know.

 

Honestly, I don't know how you would deal with her depression, I don't want to give out bad, unwise advice on a subject I know very little about. I think you've done well so far (I dont think you're a bad person for all of this, life is certainly very confusing and difficult at times). No matter what, just be there for here and support her. I think it's great you suggested going with her, perhaps continue to encourage that. I'm sure you could find some places to go without her parents knowing if you really wanted to.

 

So talk to her, let her know. Let her know you're confused, and you would never want to hurt her intentionally. See what she thinks.

 

Maybe then, update us on what she says, and we'll go from there? I'm sorry this is all so complicated for you! But you are really are doing the right thing, one step at a time, it'll all work out.

[hammo]

Hey guys, not much has happened since i posted last. Both me and my girlfriend have caught a cold (probably from each other)

 

My girlfriend seemed a lot happier the day after she told me about the cutting, even if she did cut herself later that same day (that will make it the third time she's done it). she also talked about it with two trusted mutual friends of ours and they both also suggested she goes to see a doctor. I'm pretty sure she can be convinced to go.

Even if i am to break up with her, i want to help her with this so that it doesn't stay with her. I've heard that it becomes a habit that can stay with you for the rest of your life.

 

I've told her that i really don't know what's going to happen, that i like her and girl1 both equally right now and i have no idea who to choose. I haven't said anything about contacting girl1.

 

 

 

She sent me a message: “I want things to be as happy as possible for the next 2 months, we can't do anything til she gets back.i want 2 make the most of it now, i don't want 2 be unhappy 4 the next 2 months, i like you heaps and id rather not always anticipate getting hurt, it might not happen. I know u don't want to hurt me more later but me being upset about it all the time now isn't going to make it hurt any less if it does happen. i know it will be hard, but you're definitely worth struggling through this. I at least want to try. I will probably still be sad about it sometimes but i don't want it 2 be all the time. I like you heaps and i love spending time with you so do you think we could at least try? If we aren't good now there's next to no hope when she comes back. I like you too much to admit defeat when she's not even here. Please? Even if you change your mind when she gets back i want to have fun with you now. i like you heaps my darling!”

 

 

I'm really feeling terrible now, because i know it's my fault that she's depressed. I told her this, and she said that it's not my fault and that i can't help my feelings for girl1, and that i shouldn't be sorry because it's not my fault.

 

I haven't contacted girl1, but i have been talking to her a little thru e-mail over the last few weeks, and on wednesday i sent her an email and at the end i said "i might text you sometime this week, i have something i might want to discuss with you".

There is a problem that has arisen from her latest e-mail (i got it on monday), she says she really likes it in the city where she's on holiday and she's thinking of staying there until the end of the year .

 

My thoughts right now are that i'll leave things for a few days and see what happens - the thing is that when my girlfriend is happy, she seems so much more attractive and very often i feel that she is so wonderful and that there is no way i can break up with her. I really do not know who i like better now](*,)

 

I'll post if anything new happens. And thanks for all your replys guys, they have been quite helpful.

[Boricua7]

A girl's perspective? A very blunt one? Seeing as it has only been guys who have answered...

 

Break up with girl2 no matter what. If I were in her position I'd be CHOKED. She might get upset if you break up with her, but it's for the best. There's this song with the lyrics in it, "love me or set me free." You need to do that. You need to set her free. If you really horrible about it, break up with her. How in the world is this fair to her?

 

I agree completely. Why are you stringing girl2 along? That's just not right! It's better for you to let her go now than to tell girl1 you like her and then deal with the drama between girl1 and girl2 (and you). Girl2 is going to be really hurt. If you care about her at all break up with her. Yes, it will hurt her but it will hurt a lot less than what you're setting her up for. Not only that, but breaking up with girl2 is a signal to girl1.

 

Be reminded though, dating a girl's friend is never a good thing. Most girls don't handle friends dating their exes well AT ALL. You're in for a nice little rollercoaster ride, my friend.

 

AFTER HAVING READ YOUR NEWEST POST BECAUSE YOU POSTED IT AS I WAS TYPING THE ABOVE:

 

Wow. I don't know what to tell you. She really wants a chance to prove to you that she is what you want. I think it's only fair for you to give girl2 a chance. Everything she is saying is right. You can do nothing about girl1 for 2 months so enjoy girl2. I'm glad you told her you had feelings for girl1. Honesty is hard sometimes but it is "the best policy". Spending time with girl2 and making the best out of the 2 months girl1 is away is a good plan. You either realize that you care for girl2 a lot or you realize girl1 is it for you. Someone is getting hurt no matter what.

[usababe]

I'm in this exact situation right now, I would be girl one and 6 months later I still like the guy so PLEASE go for it!