Since my dad died

[sweetheart230]

It happened 10 years ago and I never thought it would affect my relationships. But I'm finding that it has very much and I'm not sure what to do about it. I was 11 at the time.

 

This sounds stupid, but his death made me desperately seek out male affection, attention and love without knowing or understanding how to get love from a man. There was no other man in my life after he died at all.

I used my sexuality to feel loved at first. I didn't know any other way. I've only had sex with 2 men, but I used to make out with guys a lot and get naked with them early on. In my first and only relationship, I used sex to make him want me. It was the only way I knew how to hold on. It was the only way I knew to get him to love me. I did almost everything he told me to do.

 

When that didn't work, I tried using my looks. I became obsessive about my looks. I still am. I convinced myself that if I were pretty enough, I would find what I was looking for. When I didn't get love and affection, I believed I wasn't pretty enough. The thought of being anything less than beautiful would send me into depression and convince me I was unlovable... and the slightest thing caused this belief.

 

Lately, I've been trying to project this confident, outgoing, perfect image of myself. But I don't have a perfect personality and I probably never will.

I know everyone is going to tell me to be myself. The only times men have been truly responsive to me emotionally has been when I've been fully myself... even if I wasn't clever or interesting or experienced. I'm warm and incredibly sweet... but naive and innocent and really vulnerable and I'm so terrified that I'll get taken for a ride if I show that side of myself. It's a very true side of myself. I can be stupid and silly sometimes. I look sophisticated on the outside, but on the inside I just want to play. I seem so cool and collected on the outside, but I'm emotional and passionate on the inside. I want to be affectionate and smile and laugh, but I hardly ever do.

 

I don't know how to be loved. I don't know how it feels for a man to love you and yet I want it so much, more than I can possibly articulate. I don't even know what it means for a man to love you for who you are. I can't even imagine it. Sex and physical appearances are all I know how to use to get affection. I keep trying to be perfect... give the perfect oral sex, look perfect, have the perfect personality.

 

Using sex and my looks and trying to be perfect has only led to heartache. But I don't know how else to do it. I don't understand how to be loved or if its even possible to be loved for who you are inside.

 

Thanks for listening. I just don't understand how people love one another. How can someone just fall in love with plain old me? Yeah, theres a lot of positive qualities I have, but lots of other ppl have those, too.

[Relationship Coach]

I don’t know how to be loved. I don’t know how it feels for a man to love you and yet I want it so much, more than I can possibly articulate. I don’t even know what it means for a man to love you for who you are. I can’t even imagine it.

 

To understand love, you must first love and respect yourself. What you went through after your father died is not unusual. You seeked out the attention because you were trying to fill a void. Although this can be unhealthy and make you do desperate things to get that attention, it appears you have moved out of that stage, which is good.

 

Love will find you but you need to be you when it shows up. Being something that you are not is a recipe for disaster. Eventually your actual personality will be outed and you are alone again. Yes, being yourself is the only way. No one is perfect, don't waste time trying to be perfect. It's easier to be who you are than to try to pretend to be something you are not.

 

RC

[sweetheart230]

I just don't understand how people love each other. It makes no sense to me. It seems like a lot of people play mind games with each other or go for the best looking person they get along with. We all have a lot of special qualities... but really I'm no different than anyone else... why would someone choose me over someone else?

 

The only answer I can think of is I'm good at playign these dumb dating games or I'm better looking than other girls. Honestly, the whole idea of just loving someone confuses the hell out of me.

[Relationship Coach]

Until you have some successes, it can be a very confusing process. Your self esteem has been damaged and that is the first thing that you need to work on. Everyone is different in their own way and becoming relationship material for someone starts with defining who you really are and then what you want. Playing games will only keep you in the "Game Zone" and that is not a place where you can find a true relationship.

 

RC

[prettydance]

First of all I am so sorry about your father. My father died tragically 9 years ago and myself have not been the same.

At the time when it happened I started going clubbing alot, getting drunk, etc I got into a relationship with a verbally abusive guy.

Before my father died. I was grounded, had nice relationships, etc.

 

I think dating depends on where you live and what profession of guys you date. I live in NYC and most of the people here do play games when dating. Im sure in place like Maryland people are more down to earth, etc, But when you live in a place like NY or LA -its not like that especially if your around people in the entertainment business.

 

You have to play games when dating, or you will lose. For example in no way can you call a guy when you feel like it, there are rules to that. If you call up a guy who has not gotten back to you be prepared to be abused.

 

You need to drop guys the minute you feel their not treating you nice or respecting you.

 

I dont think to understand love you have to love yourself first. I was abused beyond belief as a child, did not love myself. I met my first boyfriend in HS and he changed my world, taught me what love is and to love myself.

 

I think im going to get professional help about my Dad, maybe you should to.

[sweetheart230]

I havn't been so lucky with men, unfortunately.

 

I don't know what love is. I don't understand it, don't know how to get it. All I really know is that the only male affection I've ever received has been through how I look or through sex. I don't know any other way to get it. I know I have to be myself, but I'm scared. I'm scared its not enough.

 

thanks guys for your replies.

[prettydance]

Sex really isnt that important. I used to think that I have to have sex with every guy im with or else he wont want or like me. I think love is just loving someone for who they are.

[sweetheart230]

I've never been loved for who I am. Well except for my mom, but mom's have to love their kids. And my dad, but he's been gone for a long time. how are any of us supposed to believe someone else is able to love us for who we are?

 

My ex.. i really cared for him for who he was. it was all the little things, stupid things I guess. like how he woudl always brush his teeth before we hooked up, or how he used to smile at me when i made a smart * * * remark or did something dumb, or how proud he was when i really needed help from him or how he would make these really bad jokes that he thought were clever. i find it ironic that he has the same insecurities i do... that he's not lovable for just being him... but I really did find him lovable for who he was and he will probably never realize it. Too bad he never felt the same way about me. He liked me, but not enough to treat me well. He just used me.

 

I guess I just wonder about love in general. What is it exactly? How do we fall in love with someone for just who they are?

[brandon_07]

Hey, I think love.... I think it can be hard to understand, I agree with RC that you need to love yourself first, I'm not saying being cocky or being totally into your self, just love yourself for who you are before you can let others see the true you and fall inlove with that. Looks are important, but the truth is they aren't everything in the world. I'm not saying just let yourself go but the truth is if someone hooks up with you because they think your pretty and thats it then it won't last. You just need to be conservative try not to reach out to guys for affection because you feel like you have to have a man that loves you, just meet guys and be friends with them and eventually after you have been friends with enough guys, I mean just friends you will find someone you really like and they will really like you for your to, that is when I believe it can become love. I think a relationship that doesn't start out as friends first is harder to make it, if it can. If you are not friends with a guy first and it gets complicated with sex, and sexual attractions its harder for both of you to see the person each other really is. My opinion is if you are just friends and there isnt anything to complicate that friendship then you can focus more on that person and what they are like and their thoughts and opinions and then make a decision if you really like that person or not.