What do I do?????

[Drew05]

Hi all , thank you for taking the time to rea my post, any advice you give would be appreciated. Anyway on with it aye?

 

I met and started dating a girl about 5 months ago , she had a child and over our dates and conversations over the phone we figured that we both wanted the same things in our life. We were very much alike in our interests and everything was perfect. So we decided to give it a shot at a full on relationship , which lasted approximately 5 weeks. She asked me to commit myself 100% to her and her son and I did , I never did anything that she never asked of me. (meaning didnt overstep my boundaries). Her family loved me and so did she , but she began to become detached? She said she wasnt used to her family liking her boyfriends and "didnt know what she wanted anymore". I gave her space from me ( left her alone for 1 week nc) and she went out with her friends which I never minded. In the end she said she just was enjoying her "own time" again and felt so guilty because she pulled me into this relationship b4 she knew she was ready.(she planned our wedding)

 

I called her and we pretty much argued over the phone because I was in limbo , harsh words were said and I ended up breaking it off with her to make her happy.

 

Heres the reason I need advice , I still love her. With all my heart........

I did no contact for 2 weeks after that night during which she txted and called me and emailed , saying things like "hope you are doin as well as u can"

Left a voice message on my phone sounding really sad and asking if I was ok.

 

Then after 2 weeks I broke non contact and called her , she was down the bar with her mates and sorta sounded really distant. So I said "ok well I dont want to keep u , ill just call later".

She sent me a txt later saying a whole lot of stuff pretty much sorry for treating you so bad and it would be good to remain friends as long as it stayed that way.

 

I replied by email the next day saying that that probably couldnt happen until we both get over our emotions , and she agreed. Quote: no worries , talk to you sometime in the future, take care.

I still love her , I still think about her everyday .

But Im overseas now and she has no way to contact me , I did another 4 weeks no contact and emailed her to say a basic "hi" she replied being polite and asking how I was and telling me she was partyn every weekend. I replied I was doing the same and she never replied THAT one.

 

Im going back in a month and in the time I have been away from her I have changed radically , I have lost 20kgs and have never looked so fantastic in my life , everyone in our circle says it was my weight and the fact that I worked too hard that affected everything. And I have changed that part of myself.

 

What is the best way for me to approach her to get her back?

Everyone even my counsellor says that because I have lost so much weight and im such a different person she will do cartwheels back to me, but that I shouldnt take her back ......... but I really want too!

 

What is the best way to inititiate contact with her?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this , any advice will be REALLY appreciated.

 

Drew.

[ElektraHere]

My first question is WHY do you want her back? She sounds like a bit of a flake. She loves the push and pull game. She pushes you away when she is occupied and having a fun time then pulls you in when she has time on her hands.

 

Also if she couldnt accept you before you lost the weight why would you want someone like that. It's just as bad a a woman thinking she needs to have a perfect body for her man. In the real world weights will rise and fall throughout the course of time.

 

It was only 1 month a blimp in the timeline of your life and I do understand how you can get wrapped up in something because I have been there. It has been 7 months since then and I am seeing it for what it was. A flash in the pan romance.

[ultraviolet]

I agree with Elektra and your therapist. Unfortunately this woman doesn't seem to have the right mindset for a serious relationship at this point. If you really love her, you have to respect her wishes.

 

You can let her know you're back in town, but let her her be the one to come to you. She knows where to find you and how you feel. If you keep trying to pursue something against her wishes, you're only setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment.

 

Note: If you were the only boyfriend her family ever liked, then the problem was never your weight, but hers... the weight she carries from her past.

[MI_Shell]

Go and strut your stuff. She will see what she has missed out on. Sounds like you have a lot to offer a woman and could do a lot better.

[Drew05]

Thankyou all for your advice, as i said it is very much appreciated.

I want her back because i Love her ...... its that simple. Do I need a better excuse?

 

I was thinking ...... her father wants me to go see him regarding something Itold him id do for him when i RETurn home , is it ok tomaybe drop off what I promised and let him tell her I amin town? If Ileave my cell number with him then if she wants to she can contact me. At best its all I can do.

 

Guess i can then say I tried..............

 

Any advice would be appreciated and once again THANKYOU......

 

Drew.

[ElektraHere]

Drew,

 

Would it matter at this point if we did offer advice? You asked for it on the original post and you basically said "yes thanks for the input but I am still going to pursue this."

I think you are holding on to this fantasy of who she was 5 months ago. It's time to move on my friend. If you like the feeling of unrequited love and rejection then I say have it.

[Drew05]

Hi , the relationship ended 5 weeks ago.

not 5 months ago , 5 months ago we met and dated and talked over the phone for about 3 and a half months. So I am not fantasizing over who she was when we met , I understand what your saying and that I should let her go no matter how long ........... Sorry I am stubborn.

I suppose I am just wishful thinking , I just dunno how she could go from wanting to marry me and 2 days later not knowing what she wants , she told me I showed her everyday how happy she could be.

 

I will try and forget her over the next 4 weeks and do as best I can , hopefully I will not go mad between now and then. I suppose it comes down to me being strong now for a better later.

 

Thank you Electra ................ and sorry.

 

Drew.

[SuperDave71]

OK look out.....Here comes SuperDave71 ( HA HA )

 

 

Drew,

 

The fact is...this woman led you on....became somewhat attached...decided she didn't want a relationship and now you are stuck. Planning wedding or not...you guys could NOT even make it thru the honeymoon stage.

 

Let's break this down.

 

5 weeks = 35 days

 

 

35 days = 1 month and 4 days

 

 

Let's assume you guys DIDn'T see one another allll the time...so lets say..

 

 

28 Days you actually saw her. 4 weeks to be exact.

 

 

 

Now granted, I know its not the AMOUNT of time but the quality.

 

 

You need to leave this girl alone. Your heart is now hurting because you allowed her to fill a void in your life that she was not ready to do. I know you care about her but I want you to listen closely to YOUR OWN WORDS.

 

 

you said "I love her"....

 

 

How much do you love her compared to youself? Do you love you Drew?

 

If you do, take the time for yourself (Not because you broke up but because you can make positive changes in your life for YOU) If she is around to see the changes ...great! If not...GREAT! Its a win win. There is not a magic formula....Losing weight or not...if you are not what sh wants....then YOUR NOT WHAT SHE WANTS and vice versa.

 

Now please don;t get me wrong...I am NOT SAYING she doesn't care about you....or doesn't want to be with you whatsoever....I am merely pointing out she couldn't handle 5 weeks. Remember .."Actions speak louder than words".

 

 

Take this time to get focused on you. Now don't lie to us and say you are...otherwise this post would have never been written. I know you miss her...and I am sur she misses you but DO NOT CONTACT HER.

 

LET HER COME TO YOU....this will work if you give it time. You can do this because you have been you forever.EVEN BEFORE SHE came along. So relax...breathe in and out and get on with your life ...for now...

 

 

Ya never know what is around the next corner...it might just be her.

 

 

 

Take care and God Bless you my friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Drew05]

Am I just looking for an excuse to make contact?

 

I was going to just try and drop off what he wants and not even mention her , wasnt going to even hang about. Just thought it would be a good way to let her know Im back in town............. and he would tell her I look fantastic and all that stuff (not that it matters). And If I left my new cell number and left it at that it sorta wouldnt be Breaking NC would it?

 

I would be content to sit back and wait but how would she know I was back in town when I get home?

 

OK I will listen to you I promise ........... Just say yay or nay dave and I will listen, I know u are there for me and have been there and done all this.

 

I will listen.

 

God bless.

 

Drew.

[SuperDave71]

Drew..

 

 

All the stuff you mentioned above is all in yoru mind...The ONLY thing you have control over is you. If you look great to one person....to another you could look silly. My point is, don't waste your time on how you interpret who she will act or receive you. Be you. Don't settle for trying to make someone happy when she isn't making YOU happy. Get yoru spine out of her purse and relax and walk tall. Just because she is acting this way doesn't mean that you can not learn to love yourself in the process. DO NOT GO TO SEE HER IN ANY WAY. Have more pride than that. Why set yourself up for more heartache. Find something better to do for now.

 

 

Take care my friend,

 

SuperDave71

[Royltnxile]

Note: If you were the only boyfriend her family ever liked, then the problem was never your weight, but hers... the weight she carries from her past.

 

Very, very insightful remark there Ultraviolet!

 

She's a "whack job" most likely. Emotionally damaged chock full of issues. She's poor relationship material and you are better off to just leave her alone and focus on yourself so you are available to someone who isn't flaky.

[Drew05]

Ok dave ........ tho it kinda hurts that ima be in town and she wont know I will not go see her in any way. And I will spend the next few wekks as best I can fixing me. Broken hearted big time here ........ but I spose time heals the hurt huh. I will try hard....... thank-you....... Everyone.

 

Drew.