Can't deal with mothers...

[Jessy]

Okay, well here goes... I'm currently living with my mother, as is my boyfriend with his. My mom is usually pretty understanding and helpful for the most part, but lately has been severely depressed and very nasty to me, and specifically about my boyfriend. I have the freedoms and rights that I deserve for the most part, but I can't say the same for my boyfriend. His parents still treat him like a child because he still lives under their roof. We both are in school, and have part-time jobs, but just cannot afford to move in together right now. Both of our home lives are tearing me, and our relationship apart. I think my mother is jealous of my boyfriend. She complains often that I am always with him, and she is not the most important thing in my life... what does she expect? I understand she must be feeling a tad upset that both of her daughters are grown, and have found love... but she is still single. I'm sure that's part of the problem as well. She wants to be the most important part in someone's life... and she expects to be in mine! This just isn't a realistic expectation. My sister and I have an 11 year age difference. She is married, and has four children and a stepson. My mother does not expect to be on the top of her list of priorities... I feel like I'm picking up the slack for the romantic relationship my mother lacks, and I can't deal with it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother very much and she is one of the most important people in my life, but she can't expect to be the top dog, I'm in a loving, rewarding relationship. If she didn't treat me the way she does, she may be of higher importance. Because we both need to stay in the situations we are in with our parents right now, financially, my relationship with my boyfriend is suffering. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[RayKay]

I am just going to say....mothers are there for 'life'. You might not know it now, but when they are gone, you will miss even these rougher times. They will be your best friend, and the ones whom catch you when you fall.

 

I don't think your mom is telling you "she's not the most important thing in life" because she is jealous necessarily, but perhaps because she is concerned either about him as a partner for you, or because she is concerned about you living your life around him, rather then for yourself and yes, because she realizes once you leave her house will be "empty". That is not an easy thing. I think it's a bit harsh to decide it's because she's jealous, I think it's because she is your mother and realizes how her life is going to change when you are not there, she has been your mother all your life after all.

 

I think you are just going to have to compromise until you are able to move out on your own. Why not talk to your mother about having "mom & daughter nights" only once a week or so, then perhaps she will be more understanding of you also going out with your boyfriend more. And when she treats you "nasty" be very firm (but respectful) that is not appreciated or tolerated by you.

 

Trust me, in the future you will be very glad you did take the opportunity to spend time with your mother in a quality way. As you grow older, you and have moved out, you will probably realize more and more how much you appreciate all your mother did for you

[AwdreeHpburn]

Jessy - I agree with RayKay, I think you should firmly respond to your mother's intolerance but I think you are doing a great job seeing it for what it is, or could be. Your mother could be experiencing some "empty nest" type feelings and it isn't fair for her to put them on you.

 

At the same time, you could ease the transition for the both of you by setting aside some time for the two of you to do some things together, like RayKay said, some mother/daughter time.

 

Also telling your mom once in a while how much you appreciate the positive things she does while standing firmly against the negative, will help earn her "grown up" respect for you and see you as a mature adult.

 

At least that's what I think...

[Jessy]

Thank you both for your advice.