Oh man, why does this go on

[Meesterjojo]

Here's the latest and I need some advice:

 

Past/Long story short: she broke up with me in Oct. '05, 5 days later started dating/sleeping with someone she "just met", turns out she had been speaking with him online. We had been together for 4 years. Lived together till the end of November, and then went out separate ways. While there, she was trying to take out as much on me as possible- telling/yelling at me the details of her sexual escapades- when/where/how/with whom. I went NC at that point.

 

Current: 2 weeks ago she makes contact with me at a work/social function. We have a reall good time talking, and the next morning I get an email from her with a P.S. "It was really great talking with you last night". We decide to get together on Sunday for "Coffee and lunch".

 

That sunday we meet up, go to lunch. Everything is nice, then right into 10 minutes she starts blurting out with sexual details. Not hurtful this time, or at least I'm not affected by it at that/this time, just things like whom she's sleeping with, and how men online only want her for sex, which she gives them, but is upset that none of them want to go further. Just a roll in the hay and buh-bye. Mmmmkay. I don't respond to this and continue other conversation, things seem to go smoothly.

 

We go for coffee afterwards, in the car, for no apparent reason, she starts crying, near bawling. She states that she still "Cares" for me, but there's no "spark or interest" in actually dating me. She states (without my asking, again) the classic cop-out people give when they're just not ready to fess-up and deal with a situation: "we were not ment to be together". mmmmkay. As such, she doesn't feel it's fair to me for us to be friends, that she might just be selfish and lonely- she isn't sure.

 

I mention that "not ment to be together" is a rationalisation, but not an actual reason. I say that maybe she's right, we shouldn't be friends, and since we work together, should just remain as acquantances. She concurs, and adds a, no lie, 15-20 min disertation on how libidinous she is lately, and she's not sure if it's her new Pill, or her single status, and just how exactly can one be truly safe during sex (and what does that mean exactly?). Mmmmmkay. Mind you, I don't ask, prod/poke for these sex statements. I really don't want to hear it. And it's really strange coming from her.

 

So we resolve- no friends, and I go back to NC. Well at work she starts in with the "hey how's it going!" or the elaborate/cutsey "bye bye! bye bye!" bit. She moved out recently, and asked to come get some things from me "...if you're no longer using them". I foolishly allow this, and then she calls me ay 8:30am the next day- last Sunday, to hit me up for some boxes. She calls me on Tuesday night after she completes her move in town to tell me that I should come over to see the cat this weekend, or that if I ever want to go do something, give her a call. I was extremely distant and only said "uh huh, hmmm ya ya mmmm" during the whole 3 minutes.

 

Today I ask her to a quick lunch. We talk. I explain that we agreed not to be friends- I am not her friend. That she should stop with the "bye bye bye" stuff, stop calling, etc. I say that it really isn't fair that she should get "relationship lite" without the commitment or responsibility, and that I need to continue healing- which means her out of sight and out of mind. She says she completely understands, after all, the first guy she was with after me finally told her that all he wants from her, and nothing more, is sex (during our Sunday outing, she told me that she was over there 4 weeknights and the whole weekend for months, doing couple things with his friends, and sex every night. I didn't ask for the information, so my response was something like "Mmmm oh ok"), but that there was a "spark" with him, and as such she can see where I might be coming from- not being able to be with someone you want because they want someone/something else. "Sorta, I don't exactly want you. You've obviously changed, and I'm not sure I know who you are entirely. But whatever image I hold onto from our past remains, and in some ways it's tempting".

 

She agreed though, claims to understand, and ended with "If you ever want to do anything, I leave that up to you- call me". I thanked her, and went back to my desk. The end.

 

Surprisingly I'm not broken up over all this. There is a twinge of pain from being overlooked...being passed over for someone. Being around her has caused me, in the past 2 weeks, to doubt myself a little. I feel like a lesser person, like there's something wrong with me- why can't *I* be the one she is interested in? Why am *I* not worthy to go on a date? Why does she want to press so hard to be a friend to me, enjoys spending time with me and my personality...but I'm not good enough for more? That's the only thing that hurts/bothers me anymore: Not being good enough in her eyes.

 

I don't like the feeling, so it's obviously best I avoid those situations which place me in contact with her. Why be around someone who doesn't view you as being "good enough"?

 

Oh, forgot a funny/interesting part- during our Sunday visit she tells me that another reason not to be friends is because *she* would be *tempted* to sleep with me, and that might not be good for me. So apparently she's sexually attracted to me (and most of the interweb), enjoys spending time with me, but we're not ment to be together. Lame.

 

Thoughts/comments/advice would be appreciated.

[radient_dominion]

Wow, I can't believe that she continually throws the sexual facts in your face.

 

She's obviously trying to play games with you to make you jealous, perhaps in some twisted way try to get you back.

 

"because *she* would be *tempted* to sleep with me, and that might not be good for me."

 

She's subtely trying to get to you. But great job on not buying into her games.

 

It all sounds pretty fishy to me, and I think you've got the right idea about not wanting to be friends. I say, keep doing what you're doing.

 

Healing is hard, but it sounds like you're on the right path. And there is no doubt that you can find someone a lot better than this girl sounds.

[Jut]

"Oh, forgot a funny/interesting part- during our Sunday visit she tells me that another reason not to be friends is because *she* would be *tempted* to sleep with me, and that might not be good for me."

 

This is just a bait to see if you fall for it, she just wants to check if you are hanging in the background for her or not. But others things aside i think you are a sensible person. Who would like to be in a relationship with this kind of girl and probably she herself knows that and so do other guys whom she thinks she has a spark with.

Go out and enjoy, thanking god that you didnt get caught in this web of hers.

[RayKay]

Well, there was a lot in that post...but all I can tell you from all she has said is that she is actually TRYING to get a rise out of you by shoving the lurid details of her sex life in your face. She is trying to get you jealous or justify why she left. She is also seeking approval for her current behaviour. I think it sounds like she is finding the real world not so great, she feels used, and her self esteem is low, but she is bragging to make it seem she is confident and happy.

 

She wants to see if she still has some power and control over you..and so when you agree you can't be together, she backtracks again to make it "her idea". Honestly, if she says something like "we can't be friends as I would want to sleep with you" your response should be "well that does not mean I would want to with you". If she starts telling her lurid details, tell her you really have no desire to know the sex life of any of your friends in that kind of detail. Don't treat her differently because she is an ex..

 

Honestly she sounds pretty lame at this point, I would really not want to be friends with someone whom clearly had a problem respecting boundaries and rubbing things like this in the faces of people they hurt...

 

She is really honestly trying to get validation for her behaviours and gain a feeling of control again knowing you are still hanging on to her. Blah. Immature and selfish on her part.

[Relationship Coach]

Meesterjojo,

 

You are a lucky guy, you escaped from this relationship! WOW! She is really all over the place here with her feeling and emotions. She has deep self esteem issues going on as well, probably because she loves attention so much but being rejected by many as a candidate for a serious relationship has wrecked her Freedom Train. The fact that she feels like she can discuss her sexual exploits with you is nothing more than a scream for help. You may offer her a sense of security and stability but she probably only wants that on a rare occasion, the rest of her time is devoted to an online popularity ho-down.

 

You need to keep your present course and stay away! I think it was good for you to set her aside once again to explain in black and white why the two of you can't be friends, let alone more. Great control not biting on her "I still would sleep with you" backhanded offer. Her sheets would puzzle the most skilled CSI team! Good luck and I hope she respects your wishes.

 

RC

[drum4god]

Bro,

 

With all due respect. You need to really go strict NC and do everything possible to get over her. She is poison to your soul. I am sorry anyone that tells you about her sexual exploits has no respect for you. Dude, you also need to get some help for youself. This is not meant as a knock. We have all been there, but when you continue to long for a person that is treating you like crap, you have to look at yourself.

 

It seems like you base your worth on how this woman feels for you. That is not good. Its normal to go through periods of low self-esteem and confidence during heartbreak, but there comes a time where you have to have respect for yourself and say I deserve better. Believing that is part of the healing process.

 

Its appears that you don't believe that, and that is why I strongly suggest gettting help.

 

I would also suggest getting in touch with your spiritual side also. I know my faith in God has helped me regain my confidence, and has given me hope. If you believe in God, he is there for you, and wants the best for you. Don't settle for crumbs. Its not his best for you.

 

In the meantime. Stay away. Far away, Don't play games. Don't try and get a rise out of her. Just run. Run far away. Sticking around is a losing battle.

[whateverittakes]

Wow, if my ex acted in any way like this it would make it so much easier to get over her. In fact, it would make all bets off. As drum4god says, run far away. She seriously has some issues that you don't need to get caught up in.

 

Matt

[DN]

I agree that NC is the way. This is a girl who craves attention and that is why she is sleeping around with these guys on the net and it also why she calls you about boxes or whatever.

 

Frankly she seems totally self-absorbed. It's all about her. I've used this analogy before but it does fit here; she is one of these people who acts as if they are starring in the movie of her life and everyone else is just a supporting actor or bit-player. She wants a fan club - not friends.