I guess NC does work?

[Lady Bugg]

Exactly...

[drum4god]

So, should I e-mail her with directions to my show, or just let it go? I am really tempted to do it, but I think it would probably not be the wisest thing. If she really wants to go she can e-mail me, or look on the band's website.

 

I guess I need to be a little patient, and see how this plays out. I guess if she doesn't contact me in a few weeks I can ask her what is up.

[solo34]

"So, should I e-mail her with directions to my show, or just let it go?"

 

Are U serious? This shouldn't even be a question.

 

-Solo34

[drum4god]

Well,

 

My ex did e-mail me back a few days ago, and she will be coming to my gig tonight with some friends. I guess this is a good sign. The thing is my band has a lot of female fans, so I wonder how this will affect her. The attention is usually geared towards the singer in my band, so it probably won't be a factor. Anyway, I really want to be cool. My heart wants to be overly friendly and thankful that she is coming, but I know I can't do that. I really walk that fine line of being friendly and indifferent.

 

Any suggestions.

[solo34]

Yeah, leave it alone. Ignore her when she's there and afterwards as well. Let the other women come 2 U and show her that you're "in demand" like that cable.

 

She KNOWS that she's got U, and why the hell do U care about the female fans possilby affecting her? She's probably going 2 keep tabs on U and make sure that you're a "good boy."

 

Best advice is 2 mingle with the "groupies" and 4get about this girl. U don't have 2 do anything with the groupies, but just let her know that U ain't sticking around 4 anyone that isn't giving U 100% of herself.

 

This is my last post here until I see that U canned this girl. I just can't keep giving U the same da*n advice and then see U cave 2 her. Everyone's telling U 2 leave it alone...it might even be time 2 go 2 another church if she's there every Sunday.

 

-Solo34

[annie24]

I wouldn't read too much into any of her e-mails. My bf broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago after 4 months together. He was really disappointed when I told him I didn't want contact with him anymore. He told me he stays friends with his exes, and that he really likes me and wants me in his life, just not as a gf.

 

I think part of the reason that he, like your ex gf, may want to "stay in our lives" is so they feel less guilty about breaking our hearts. It makes the breakup easier for them, but harder on us. And also, I've seen some of my female friends try to stay friends with their exes, as a "backup plan." You know, in case things don't work out with the hot new hunky guy they're seeing, that they have another, reliable guy to go back to. Blah. That's so selfish, IMO.

 

I agree with NJ. Maybe you should ask her what is up, where she sees things with you going - just as friends, or try to get back together.

 

Because as it stands, you two are just going to be playing this cat and mouse game for months, and you're the one who's going to get hurt. She isn't.

 

good luck

[latina07]

drum4god!!! it's me latina:

 

im so sorry a great guy like you has to go through this heartache when there;s some good females out there. from what i read she seems to be playing some games with you. honestly when us women love we give it all!!! i feel that for some reason she does not dig you anymore or as much as before. we women are very weird at times. also it makes me feel there's something that you did not do for her that she thought you would and that turned her off. it seems she likes you but that she's trying to get attention from you or that she's trying to find out how much you like her and are willing to do for her. what i think you should do is exactly what you are doing right now, be you, do you, don't chase her anymore. let her miss you~! if she really loves you she'll go back. trust me on this one. she left you, don't forget that. it must be for a reason. if it's a dumb one she'll realize it and will come back ready to love you but if she's trash then do what we all do with it!!! TRASH HER!!! GOOD LUCK!!!! KEEP US POSTED.

[Torchbearer]

Someone on this thread said start with 6 months of NC. Six months of NC is the equivalent to 10,000 sit ups.

 

Like latino and asian women too, my ex is a mixture of the two and is absolutely stunning.

 

It makes it hard when they are that beautiful doesn't it? I'm in a similar situation, starting to get calls and emails from the ex and haven't been strong enough to let my feelings go and NOT contact her. Good luck.

[solo34]

How long U 2 been apart? If it's been some months or more now, maybe she's realized what she lost?

 

-Solo34

 

P.S. It's Latinas 4 women, man.

[drum4god]

Its hard. We are basically just shooting e-mails back and forth, but nothing serious. The thing is, she being the slick one, decides to GO NC on me. I sent replied to her e-mail last Tues, and she still hasn't responded. I saw her in Church this Sunday, but she chose to sit in the balcony, which she never does. I really want to end this nonense. Why is she doing this? I don't understand it. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but it doesn't make sense. If you don't want me. That's cool. When she broke up with me, I didn't cry, I didn't beg her back. In fact I understood what she was feeling. I respected her wishes and moved on. I didn't call her once. 8 weeks later I run into her in church, and I was just trying to be cordial. That's it. I mean if we are going to be in the same church, I figure that is the right thing to do. The strange thing is, that day I spoke to her sealed in my mind, it was officially over. She didnt' give any indication she was interested. Then she shoots me a e-mail, telling me "I noticed you are keeping your distance, but I don't know about that move". I had time to pray and reflect on our situation, but I can't get into now". In following e-mails, she said "She wants to see my band play", "She said my band was great" "I was cute" and so on. So she sucked me in, thinking. Maybe she is interested again. Now, this. I really think I just have to talk to her, and see what is up. Because its getting to the point where I am getting turned off.

I know, everyone here is saying just forget about her, and move on, but lets be real. Its not easy, when a women you loves says the things she says. I don't know maybe I am naive, but I can't see the motive of her playing me. What does it get her. I wasn't mean to her. In fact I was so good to her, her family loved me, and I only dated her 3 months.

I mean, what does she gain by doing this. It could be she just gets scared and goes into a shell. I don't know.

 

To be honest, I want to move on, but I want to know what she wants to talk about. I told her I was open to talk, and hang out, and she hasn't brought it up yet. Its so strange, I am a good looking man, that can date any women I want, but I feel like I can't right now. Its hard to move on with this lingering.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. I don't have much peace right now.

[annie24]

I think it's time for you to go back to NC and try your best to move on. She's had enough time to tell you what's on her mind. I think she's just playing around with you, honestly. She wants to know that you still like her and she's still "got you".

 

Do NC.

[drum4god]

I think it's time for you to go back to NC and try your best to move on. She's had enough time to tell you what's on her mind. I think she's just playing around with you, honestly. She wants to know that you still like her and she's still "got you".

 

Do NC.

 

Here is the thing. I feel like I am in limbo, and I can't stand it. I just need to find out for my piece of mind. If she tells me, she is not interested, and just wants to be friends. Thats cool. I can no thanks, and move on. Personally I would rather have her tell me she hates my guts. At least I know where I stand. I am not getting younger. I am going to be 37 in 2 months, and want to finally settle down. I can't afford to waste time. I either need to know. The thing is she knows this. She knows how I feel. I treated her great. I never pushed her. I gave her space. I respected her. Why would she just play me? What does she get out it. I mean is she is going to play with me, just to feed her ego. If that is true, that is evil IMO. She could be, but I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Believe me I want to go NC, but its really hard. If she tells me, its over. Its done. Believe me. I will move on, but I really think she realizes guys like me don't grow on trees. Its just that I moved too fast, and she wasn't ready. The thing is I don't know, and I want to find out. That doesn't mean I am weak, or submissive. Its called being assertive.

 

Thoughts?

[annie24]

I gave her space. I respected her. Why would she just play me? What does she get out it. I mean is she is going to play with me, just to feed her ego. If that is true, that is evil IMO. She could be, but I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I may have mentioned this here before or not, but I've seen plenty of women do this. I asked one girl why she did that to her ex. She told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to date him one day. I asked her how likely was it she'd want to get back together. She said, "not likely, but just in case I change my mind, I'd like him there."

 

Yup. As a matter of fact, our friendship ended when I hung out with her ex a few times. (We're work colleagues). Nothing happened, we just had a few drinks together one time, and once she found out, SHE FLIPPED!!!!! Nevermind she had a new boyfriend. She said that we betrayed her, blah blah blah, even though nothing happened, and we weren't even interested in one another, and she even had a boyfriend!!!

 

geezzz....

 

Some women just like having a troupe of adoring men. It's really sad.

 

Yeah, you are 37, I think it's time to move on. Give yourself the closure you need. If she wants you back, she knows where to find you.

 

I was a great girlfriend to my ex. I treated him really well. But, he broke up with me anyways. He just told me he wasn't feeling the spark for me. It's not that I wasn't nice enough to him or whatever. If the other person isn't feeling it, there's not much you can do.... Except move on with your life.

[drum4god]

Thanks Annie,

 

God, I feel like an idiot. I was ready to move on, she then e-mails me. She tells me the time away gave her time to reflect and she doesn't want me to keep my distance, and would like to talk. She then says things she never even said when were dating like "your band is great, you're cute, you're Mom looks so young, and seemed to take an sincere interest in my life. I get sucked in, thinking "Wow, maybe she did have a change of heart". Last Tuesday, I sent her a funny e-mail (she loved my sense of humor). Not only has she not responded, but last Sunday in church, she sat in the balcony by herself (she never does that). Now, I all messed up.

 

I know, I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Annie, I understand how women are, but why would she do this? She is not a teenager (she is 29). She knows how I feel. Why does she torture me like this? Believe me, I can move on. Just tell me you have no interest, and I can respect that. I will move on, and even be friends later on if possible. I have to believe there is a method to her madness. Could it be, that she made all the signals to tell me she wanted to get back, and when she saw I wasn't taking actions, she got embarrased. She is quite shy. I don't know. I want to talk to her, and let her tell me what is going on. I can't go on like this. Its not fair. Honestly, and this the truth. I rather her tell "I hate your guts" and "can't stand you" than this. Indifference is one of my biggest pet peeves, and I guess she knows this, and she is touching a big nerve in me. But, again. Why? That is what I have to find out.

 

If she doesn't e-mail me before Sunday, I see her after Church, and ask her if she would like to talk. I am ready to handle anything.

 

Thanks everyone, for your advice. It means the world to me. I will keep you updated, but what looked promising a few weeks ago, looks pretty bleak now. But that is O.K. Now, I am just looking for closure.

[BONO]

Drum4god,

 

If you want to kiss the sky, you better learn how to kneel.

 

Just a thought - have faith

 

Scruff

[drum4god]

Oh boy! I am meeting her tonight for coffee. I couldn't take it anymore, and I went up to her in church today, and asked her if she wanted to talk.

I am prepared for anything. I don't know what to expect, but I am prepared for anything. I know its not always the wisest to talk about the relationship when you first get together, but I have to. I either need closure, or I need to know if she wants to work it out. I can handle either/or. I just want to know where I stand. If she just wants to be friends, I will tell her; No thanks, I have enough girlfriends. I will not hang around just so I can be her ace in the hole. I will move on, and I will be fine. It may hurt, but I know I will be fine. If she wants to work it out, I pray that I will be able to discern if she is sincere, and her feelings are true.

 

I have to admit, I am a little nervous, but she won't see that. I will be casual at first, but if she doesn't bring up what she wanted to talk about (she said she wanted to talk in her intial e-mail) then I will have to call her on it.

 

Whatever happens, I am confident I will be at peace. I will give you guys an update tonight. Hopefully, it will be a happy one.

[Midgi]

Good Luck Drum!

You will be fine. Just remember be polite and not too nice, do not show her how much which effect she has on you, because weakness is unattractive! You will be fine, because if you followed some of the success stories here, you will have seen that NC IS THE WAY FORWARS

;-)

[blender]

After reading your posts, I have to say tonight should NOT be about "what she wants".. YOU have to know what you WANT. There is nothing more attractive than a confident man who sets his boundaries and sticks to them. You are defeintely going to be in a vulnerable position tonight, after all you say you are "ready for anything" and need 'closure". SHE can NOT provide "closure" that comes from YOU, and ONLY you. If it is "okay" for you to be on the peripheree of someone's life, then that is your "choice', but it sounds like it "hurts to much" and "you are playing games" pretending to be "strong". Why not BE STRONG and keep up NO CONTACT, and tell her, ya know this just isn't 'GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME", either tell me exactlly how you feel, or do NOT keep contacting me. This is the "mark of a man". Telling her in no uncertain terms, that you still have feelings for her, but it is NOT okay with you to be a "buddy" to her, not now, and then YOU have your closure provided by YOU. Set boundaries, values, and standards, without them you are entering into this meeting with your heart on your sleeve, regardless of your plan to "act" as if all is okay with you. You still have to deal with your pain. If she says she just wants to "talk as friends" you can calmly and nicely say, "ya know what, that just doesn't work for me, so I'm gonna go, and thanks for talking, and I wish you happiness". Good luck, please take care of YOU and have an "emotional plan" in the case of you hearing what you DON'T want to hear from her, and above all be graceful, if she doens't want you then that's okay.. YOU'LL get through this, but I have to say keep your heart and mind honest for YOURSELF.... she can NOT provide you "validations, happiness, closure" that all has to come from within YOU.

[drum4god]

You are right Blender. I agree with everything you are saying. Make no bones about this. This meeting is for me, and me only. Yes, I do want to know what her intentions are, but she is also going to know I am not going to wait around for her. Trust me, I am not afraid to walk away, and she will know that, if she doesn't know already. I will admit, the past 2 weeks I allowed this situation to get the best of me, but I don't think it was all bad. If anything it showed me that I can confront her, and not be afraid of the outcome. I really feel I will working from a position of strength, because I know what I want if I don't get it, I am gone. I am fine. I know (and I think she knows) there are many women that would love to be with a man like me, and I will have no problem moving on. Will I hurt if she doesn't want to be with me? Sure, but I will be more determined than ever to put her behind me, and move on.

[blender]

Is there any indication on her part that meeting tonight is because she IS interested? If not, then why are you meeting? Of course she wants to talk there is comfort in talking to you, and ego boost, a guilt lifting from her concience, a "buddy". Do you believe in your heart that there is a "chance" tonight that she'll say she "loves you still?" Please know there is great attraction in a man that does NOT show his "anger" if you are letting him go, if you walk away after you find out she just wants to be friends, if you DON'T say anything about how you are feeling and simply and KINDLY say, "this type of friend relationship with you just doesn't work for me" and say it without anger, sadness but just confidence and say NOTHING more, well believe me, she will have a LOT OF THINKING to do afterwards. The biggest mistake is when we finally get a chance to talk to the ex and we INDULGE IN GETTING IT ALL OUT... they walk away rolling their eyes, and we walk away exhausted with an aching heart... so please try NOT to fall into that, just one line is all you need, said with confidence, not anger, or pain, and get away.. YOU do NOT have to be POLITE and sit there with her... let her think and hear herself, and get out of the way with your dignity.... always try to think about how you are going to feel "afterwards" and then you can have an "emotional plan" to talk and then leave.. and feel GOOD about yourself, what do you think?

[drum4god]

I don't know Blender. I get the sense she is somewhat interested, but that is what I am trying to find out. I am confident man, that will never change. I am at the point I really don't care how I come off. If she really cares about me, its not going to matter, is it. Of course I don't want to come of angry, sad, or needy. I won't. I want to know where I stand in her heart, and if that requires me to ask questions I will. That doesn't make me weak, or needy. She will know tonight I mean business, and that I don't have time for guessing games. You said something interesting, but I don't know if I agree.

 

You said to say: this type of friend relationship with you just doesn't work for me" and say it without anger, sadness but just confidence and say NOTHING more, well believe me, she will have a LOT OF THINKING to do afterwards.

 

Here is the thing Blender, if she is not interested I am not going to care what she thinks after. She could think about me all she wants, its going to be over, and I won't come back. I will be 37 years old, and don't have time to let this string on. I will cry my last tears, and won't look back. I deserve a women that wants to be with me. Not someone that has to think about it.

[blender]

You sound like you are in a good emotional place, but I wasn't thinking about what SHE would feel about you afterwards, I was thinking about how you would feel about YOURSELF. That is why I said, the less said might be better for YOU. If you simply say "being buddy's doesn't work for you" that's so classy... she already knows your deep down feelings for her, no use it bringing all that up, but of course it is up to you, do what is BEST for YOU.. best wishes, let us know how it goes...

[drum4god]

I can't believe it, but we are back together. I have to admit I feel great, but I am trying my best to temper my enthusiam.

 

Anyway, we went to Starbucks, and we were just having small talk. I was confident, and very funny. She was laughing alot tonight. She also said she loved my humor, but tonight I had it going good. I guess that was good, because it put her at ease. After awhile I started to think about how am I going to bring up "us". Well I didn't have to. She did. In a nutshell, she said I moved way to fast in the beginning (which was very true), and that she felt I exposed to many weaknesses in the beginning of the relationship, and that scared her. When I asked her about what weaknesses she was talking about. She brought up my ex girlfriend. She knew her, and wondered why I stayed with a women 4 years that I didn't love. That worried her, and made her think. What is his problem. It also didn't help that I was only 5 months out of the relationship when I dated her. She also shared that because she is a new Christian, she this picture that Chrisitians have it all together, when she saw I didn't that disapointed her and scared her.

 

She then told me while we were away, that she realized she didn't have it together either, and that I have so many good qualities, is she going to throw that away, because I let down my guard to early. She said she does have feelings for me, and that she missed me. She also said that when she saw my band in the club a few weeks ago, her friend told her "what are you crazy" he is gorgous, and you will both have beautiful children together. For her to say that, is something. This is a women that didn't express her feelings much.

 

I don't know what the future holds, but I feel good. There is no doubt that NC was a big factor in this happening. From the minute she broke up with me, I went strict no contact, and it worked. She told me, that she didn't realize how much she missed me, and that I feel that if I had contacted her, she may not have felt that way.

 

My fellow dumpees, be encourage NC is the way. There were times I was tempted to call, but I stayed strong. If you get that urge to call or e-mail, don't do it. If its meant to be they will come back to you, in the meantime get on with your life. You had a life before your ex, and you have one now. If they come back great, but if not you still have your awsome life.

 

Anyway, I want to thank everyone for the advice. I am hoping I won't be on here much anymore, but I am here to help so I will pop in every now and them. But I also know if things don't work out I have a bunch of good friends that will help me throught. I am so grateful I find this board. Its been a godsend.

 

God Bless!

Drum

[annie24]

AWESOME!!!!! Wow - it just goes to show, that NC can go a long way. It gives the dumpers a chance to think about what they have given up.

 

I hope everything works out for the best for you!!!!!!

[justmoi]

My fellow dumpees, be encourage NC is the way. There were times I was tempted to call, but I stayed strong. If you get that urge to call or e-mail, don't do it. If its meant to be they will come back to you, in the meantime get on with your life. You had a life before your ex, and you have one now. If they come back great, but if not you still have your awsome life.

 

drum4god,

 

Im doing n/c from the very first day..strict no contact..at the mo its very easy coz i know thers no alternative...im determined for it to stay that way.

 

BUT...even though u were in no contact (contact coming from you)..

Did u except her calls or respond to any contact she made to you.

 

I know u did eventually but did she go into no contact too at the beginning? and for how long?

When did the lines of communication open?

 

thanks x