Healing

[Diggitydave]

I want to start doing some positive threads here, since i decided to stay after deciding to leave. I find the only way to really heal is to love again and I want to help all of you. Here are some things, i was thinking about today that might help some of you.

 

 

 

Don't look for answers

 

Don't check the myspace page, don't call and ask again, don't do it.

Leave it, let it go, searching for answers, over analyzing, wondering if they're talking bad about you, wishing, hoping, rationalizing, throw it out the window. Pointless. I used my first period of no contact and did all these things and all I was doing was digging myself a H U G E ditch and once my anxiety from doing all these things came to a peak, i contacted my ex, and jumped right in.

 

 

Love your family MORE now.Now is a time to get back with your immediate family. In your relationships I am sure you took a lot of time off from seeing them and you didn't really hang around that much. If you completely blew them off for your ex, reconcile with them, take them out to eat, and make amends. Do both sides a favor and don't bail on them with the next person you meet. Stay close, not too close, but don't be a stranger. Remember if it wasn't for your mom and dad you wouldn't be here

 

 

Avoid being alone.

If you are in a situation where you have to be alone (i live by myself, work by myself) avoid it if you can. If you do have to be alone and you don't have things to do at home, rent movies, and pamper yourself for a while. Don't be shy.

 

 

When your friends call....

 

Vent as much as you want at first, and remember your true friends will stay no matter what you do. However, you do want to give them a break. Do something nice for them in recognition to listening to "I WANT MY BABY BACK!" 300 times a day. You are not paying for their ear, you are merely showing them how much you appreciate it.

 

 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

 

As much as you want to be a jerk to everyone and vent your situation and let the world know your pain, show the world how much of a great person you can be and show YOURSELF how great you can be despite the odds against you. Love covers hate, they are opposites. Fire and water cannot coexist in the same vicinity or at least not for a long time, nor can love and hate.

 

 

ExerciseIf you are over anxious and you need to get those feelings out, do some cardio or some pushups and situps. You'd be surprised how your mind will thank you for a healthy body and how you can speed up the healing process.

[SilverCloud]

Thank you sooo much for posting this... maybe the next thread can be of thing we plan on doing this weekend and then actually doing them...in other words doing something creative to keep our minds busy.

 

Also thank you for reminding me that I really need to work on "recognition to listening to "I WANT MY BABY BACK!" 300 times a day".. will get on that this weekend

[lgirl]

Diggity Dave

 

you overlook the fact that for those of us who feel very damaged by our experience(s), wanting to or even thinking about loving again/someone else isn't a reality. how do you love when all trust has been destroyed, when your faith in people has been irrevocably ruined?

 

Avoid being alone.

If you are in a situation where you have to be alone (i live by myself, work by myself) avoid it if you can. If you do have to be alone and you don't have things to do at home, rent movies, and pamper yourself for a while. Don't be shy.

how do you avoid it if you live alone etc? you're contradicting yourself! you have to face yourself sooner or later and trying to distract yourself for a few hours only works until you have to go home again... no avoiding that.

 

nice suggestions, but if it was as easy as just taking yr folks out for dinner, renting a movie and 'spoiling' yourself by having a bath, no one would visit this site and we'd all be magically healed within the shortest time!!!

 

and PS friends do not want to hear it after the 1st month is over - especially if they're good friends, so it's back to square one, alone again...

[Diggitydave]

I didn't overlook anything. I know you're damaged and I am sorry for that. I just thought maybe posting something positive and giving people a little help as to how to improve their situation would be helpful. I live alone and the reason I said avoid being alone is because I know how much it sucks to live alone. I don't have a choice, i live and work alone and I have to stay ALONe because I have gone back to school two nights a week and have a lot of homework to do.

 

My intention was to help you, I understand you and many others are damaged, as am I. Please read some of my other posts and you'll see that I am nowhere hunky dori. I am sorry you are going through what you are going through again, I was merely trying to show people some things to do that MIGHT help. I mean if you are participating on the board and you know other people out there are feeling like you, I would say do the best to at least try to help people.

 

Also, I never implied any of this was as easy as taking your parents out to dinner, it was an idea to fix any relations you may have messed up with your family, like I did and am working on to salvage right now.

 

 

Thanks

David

[NJRon]

I live alone also. I didn't have any friends or family either and I really didn't feel all sociable. I couldn't muster up the gumption to go out to the bar or to a social group or something. I really felt like I had lost all ability to communicate, let alone be interesting.

 

However, there was something to be said for just going to a diner and reading a book, or a coffee house, or going to the movies... anything to be surrounded by humanity. I didn't have to interact with anyone or anything, but I didn't feel as alone in the world.

[Diggitydave]

The only real fix is time. my suggestions were merely to make the best of the time you have to heal and to hopefully speed up the process

[lgirl]

hey david,

 

how about giving better examples of ways to speed up the process of healing instead of cliches? next you'll be saying "give time to time", "time heals everything" blaaaaa! LOL

 

I mean if you are participating on the board and you know other people out there are feeling like you, I would say do the best to at least try to help people.

i do try to help other people (some have told me i''ve helped them a lot), but i'm beginning to think it's not doing me any good, keeps me locked into this whole sadness, reminds me of all the pain i've been thru...

 

the only thing positive about yr post is the idea (healing). sorry but it just made me feel worse. guess it's just too much of a 'surface' approach for me...

 

anyhoo, i'm sure you mean well, so good luck resolving your issues.

[Diggitydave]

I am sorry that it made you feel worse and it seemed superficial to you but you are looking for that one nugget of information that will make you go "poof" healed. Noone can give that to you. I was simply making a friendly gesture and offering up some suggestions. I know you are probably sick of hearing take it day by day and give it time and it gets better and all that stuff, i understand that.

 

There are lots of things on this board that I don't want to hear that make me feel worse, but you have to take the good with the bad, and also, I don't go and criticize them for helping, i know they mean well and thats really all that matters to me, the heart. Don't be mad at me because I didn't give you the specific information you wanted to hear and I gave you all the stuff you are sick of hearing.

 

The problem you're having I think is pride. People say these things to you and for some of us they work, but you don't want to accept them. The only answer I think you will accept is that your ex is going to change and everything is going to be magically fixed tomorrow. Not going to happen.

 

Again, my intention was to help, I am sorry AGAIN, that the information seemed superficial. What else do you have to go on now?

 

I mean I was trying to ease the pain a bit, aren't you just as sick of the "get over it" speech? Grow up? or Get on with your life?

 

Do you think I wake up with a big smile on a bed of roses with my entire day of success planned out for me? No, I don't. I don't want to even go into what's going on in my life because repeating it over and over makes me sick.

 

And I am very sorry to whats going on with your life lgirl.

[Blue In Texas]

"the only thing positive about yr post is the idea (healing)."

 

I couldn't disagree more. I really am sorry that you are so hurt just now lgirl. I think we can all relate to that. But just because we aren't where we want to be doesn't mean we can't work towards objectives. The reason Dave's post is so good is that it does suggest things that we can do while waiting for time to heal us.

[lgirl]

i do appreciate your efforts, they just don't ring true with me for the most part, is all.

 

The problem you're having I think is pride. People say these things to you and for some of us they work, but you don't want to accept them.

 

i have tried accepting them - hell, i have tried all of them and they haven't worked for me!! if it was pride, i would never have visited this forum in the 1st place. i am in full-time work, do lots of exercise (boxing, skipping, running), have a loving family, some good friends, i keep reasonably busy (right now i have some bar reviews to write up for a well-known guide, for example), i keep a journal, yada yada yada

 

none of it has helped.

 

The only answer I think you will accept is that your ex is going to change and everything is going to be magically fixed tomorrow. Not going to happen.

i take GREAT exception to that!! you must think i'm really stupid or something. HOW have you arrived at that patronising viewpoint? i do NOT expect/want/hope my ex will change!!! and neither do i expect to have everything fixed "magically by tomorrow". you really insult me saying that. however, i would have thought after 10 months i could expect to feel better and i don't think that's too much to hope/expect.

 

don't take offence b/c yr good intentions have failed to generate the response you hoped. it's not personal. some of us are just looking for deeper, more meaningful reasons to carry on.

x

[Diggitydave]

Well I had a whole defense but ...

 

 

One day it will be over. It will be I promise.

[NJRon]

Ok... back on topic.. umm.. I found researching three-letter words to improve my Boggle Game to be immensely satisfying...

[Diggitydave]

I am studying for an MCP exam, does that count?

[lgirl]

have you never heard the expression: "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"?

 

sorry you feel attacked, i guess i just express myself robustly at times.

[Diggitydave]

insert generric defense here

[Diggitydave]

: I kinda followed through with my good intentions and offered advice. soo...

[lgirl]

ya win some, ya lose some

 

such is life - like i said don't take it personally

[Diggitydave]

This post was thoroughly destroyed. Sorry guys, i tried. I will try to start a new one where can share healing techniques and such. If a moderator reads this you might as well delete it, what a waste.

[lgirl]

wow, someone really wants to get the last word in, hahahahaha. just tried to be lighthearted with you, but you are sooo defensive.

 

(ever heard the expression, don't give advice until you're asked?)

[NJRon]

I like it...

[NJRon]

wow, someone really wants to get the last word in,

 

Who just got the last word in?

[lgirl]

think that was you NJRon

[NJRon]

think that was you NJRon

 

hehe... busted

[Diggitydave]

touche

[lgirl]

if ya say so boys.

 

now THAT is the last word from me!! heheheheheheheh, touché away all ya like!