Why do I want to know?

[ricardo]

I recently found out about my wife and another man. I haven't confronted her as yet. I fear that the pain I already feel will be intensified tremendously if she talks. I fear that she will deny everything. I also fear my desire to know all the details of the affair. I cannot figure out why I so desparately want to know "all" the details. I know that hearing them will hurt alot, but at the same time something makes me want to hear it all. Does anyone else have this problem? If you did and you got your answers how did it turn out for you? After got it all on the table did it help or hurt to hear the details?

[LostInMyThoughts]

I recently found out about my wife and another man. I haven't confronted her as yet. I fear that the pain I already feel will be intensified tremendously if she talks. I fear that she will deny everything. I also fear my desire to know all the details of the affair. I cannot figure out why I so desparately want to know "all" the details. I know that hearing them will hurt alot, but at the same time something makes me want to hear it all. Does anyone else have this problem? If you did and you got your answers how did it turn out for you? After got it all on the table did it help or hurt to hear the details?

 

Bro I'm really sorry to hear about your situation man. I really am. I went through something similar and I know the pain all to well.

 

I'm sorry to say that it's going to be painful no matter what. Knowing the details is your minds way of reconstructing reality. My whole perception of reality was shattered, and the only way to rebuild the pieces was to know the whole truth. A prolongued trip to target was no longer just a trip to target.

 

I got the answers I needed, but I'm still left with the anger and rage.

 

I'm really really feel for you man. I truly do.

[RayKay]

I recently found out about my wife and another man. I haven't confronted her as yet. I fear that the pain I already feel will be intensified tremendously if she talks. I fear that she will deny everything. I also fear my desire to know all the details of the affair. I cannot figure out why I so desparately want to know "all" the details. I know that hearing them will hurt alot, but at the same time something makes me want to hear it all. Does anyone else have this problem? If you did and you got your answers how did it turn out for you? After got it all on the table did it help or hurt to hear the details?

 

I think it is pretty common to want to know all the "details" as a way to "resolve the why's" in your head, and as a subconscious mechanism of compaing yourself to them. Basically you are looking for deeper answers beyond what it is. Sometimes knowing the details may feel like it takes away the mystique and the unknown.

 

I recommend that you might want to check out the forums at link removed where there are many people going through what you are, and where they too will be going through, or have gone through, these same emotions and feelings.

 

Now your wife may deny or confess, but more important is to pay attention to how she denies or confesses....actions over words, too. I do know that not bringing it up is not going to make it go away though.

[Bethany]

Tell her you know and find out the truth, You're mind must be playing all kinds of sick games on you by now.

Yes, the **** will hit the fan, but it needs to because you can't stay 'there', it's not healthy. Tell her you know do it soon if only for your sanity.

[Pixiemeat]

I know it's difficult to face, but I think you need to. Just get it all out there or it'll stay inside you, festering. I think everything should be out in the open.

 

Good luck.

[yeawutever]

Yea, tell her u found out everything about her long time ago cheating done before u guys even marry.

[Dutchy]

I have been in similar situation. I wanted to know all the details too. I think it's the way to deal with things in you head. you want to compare the happenings and feelings of the affair with your own relationship. I wanted te know if it satisfied him and if he needed it, if he liked the girls etc. In the way your girlfriend acted in her affair says something about the question WHY she is doing it. I feel really sorry for you

[eleanorrigby1]

I always say Ignorance is Bliss. I don't know if I do believe this, but I once asked my boyfriend something and then when he began speaking I covered my ears and said "No no! it will only hurt!" and he said "I need to tell you, I want to tell you" and I begged him to just leave it alone.

 

I never know if I made the right decision, we discussed 'closure' and how you need to know stuff and he was saying he had to ask "do you still love me?" and I was of the opinion, it would be obvious if someone didnt and I wouldnt want to ask, because hearing the words "no I dont" would just tear me apart. I would know, but I don't need to 'hear'.

 

An ex once said to me "I dont love you, i have met someone else ...." he basically went on to completely stamp on my heart and I, to this day, I hear that conversation in my head whenever I am upset or feeling rejected I am reminded of that hurt. The words are etched onto my brain.

 

Ask yourself, will hearing about it change the information you already have and know? you know that she has been unfaithful. Now the question is, is it a current affair? can you forgive her? do you have something worth saving? Can you forget?

 

Good luck

[ricardo]

I appreciate what you have said, and I have considered it for several days. I have decided that if everything continues to go well between us that I will not ask any questions. I will let it die. I feel like you do, that hearing facts will bring everything to "life" and that is different from just "knowing".Thank you.