Gender Differences in Breaking NC

[tigerwalk]

Here's an issue I see popping up over and over again. I don;t think I've seen any posts about this so I'll ask.

 

What is the difference between a male dumper going back to the girl and a female dumper going back to the guy?

 

Here's what I see but have no real answers for. Men are generally the initiator in the beginning of a relationship. Men must ask the woman out.

 

When a man breaks up the relationship, are the chances of getting back together better than if a woman breaks off the relationship?

 

I have not seen many posts where the female dumper comes back to the guy. Do you think this is an insecurity issue? Does she think, "What if I go back to him and he rejects me or has moved on? I don't know if I can do that!"

 

It's kind of the same way a relationship starts. Men have a lot more experience in asking for a date and either getting a yes or a no.

 

I know there are several questions here and I've got some more ideas of my own! I would like to know what you all think.

[red10]

Well, in my situation with my ex - I initiated our relationship...told him how i felt - he felt the same back (even more exited actually) - 8 mos. into it i thought something was up - I asked him - he wanted some space - things got better - at least i thought (for about 1 1/2 we did this - not together, but in a way, yeah - we were -another story!)- then he came to see me and I asked him what was up - he told me he wanted to pursue another woman...I was the one who initiated each of those conversations - and I got burned. He's the dumper in this situation, but I was the one who had to even ask....

 

i've never been the dumper before, so i don't know...i think it really depends on each situation and the people involved. Men and women can both have the same issues regarding relationships.

[tigerwalk]

I agree with it depending on each situation. I just have the feeling that a guy dumper going back to a girl is more common than a girl dumper going back to a guy. I have no idea whether or not that it's anywhere near accurate though.

[red10]

I would love to think the guy dumper goes back to the girl more often - lol. in my case, that's what he did...with an old friend - so it's stupid of me to want him back, it would just be like what he's doing with her....aarrrggghhh.

 

But what really matters is that BOTH people have to make it want to work!

[kadvati79]

Maybe it is more an emotional intelligence thing. I have found from my experience that when emotions got to difficult to sort, I would just breakup because I thought it would solve things. But thats not how the mind and heart works, you can't just run from things.

 

It can be hard for a guy to get that emotional intelligence/maturity because of societies expectations on men, so maybe they may choose a "trauma" breakups and then find things don't disapear inside them

[Msnak]

What is the difference between a male dumper going back to the girl and a female dumper going back to the guy?

 

...

 

When a man breaks up the relationship, are the chances of getting back together better than if a woman breaks off the relationship?

 

I have not seen many posts where the female dumper comes back to the guy. Do you think this is an insecurity issue? Does she think, "What if I go back to him and he rejects me or has moved on? I don't know if I can do that!"

 

I'm one of those women who has thought about going back to one guy I dated, but I think the guy would reject me. I wouldn't say I'm insecure, I just know when to say when. Unless his life has drastically changed, I'd once again not be a big priority for him, especially because the "newness" has worn off.

 

My theory--men get bored quicker. So, if a guy feels he knows everything there is to know about you and he's not intrigued, he's gone. But maybe he returns if he find women since that woman are lacking, more dull, or troublesome.

 

Look at it this way, how does someone--male or female--feel when an ex contacts them to be back in their life? Depending on what that person received, how they felt, how the connection was, it could be worth a try.

 

Seel, I know not all couples get it right the first time, or the "only" time around. Sometimes you do have to break up and someone has to be big enough to try, try again. But in those cases, wouldn't you need a sign or some innner feeling that encourages you to approach the ex?

[solo34]

"I know not all couples get it right the first time, or the "only" time around. Sometimes you do have to break up and someone has to be big enough to try, try again. But in those cases, wouldn't you need a sign or some innner feeling that encourages you to approach the ex?"

 

Yes...well said, and the bolded part is exactly true.

 

-Solo34

[jigsaw]

It's totally true, if you don't have some inner feeling encouraging you to approach your ex, then why would you bother?

 

Someone on this board recently wrote that geting back together is like the lottery, you can only win if you play.

[solo34]

Good analogy, Jigsaw.

 

-Solo34

[tigerwalk]

Ok, but what about the posts that say if you do nothing, then nothing can wrong?

[jigsaw]

Ok, but what about the posts that say if you do nothing, then nothing can wrong?

 

That's true too.

[kadvati79]

There is something immoral about abandoning one's own judgement in my opinion. I believe this thread indicates that ultimately, we make choices. These choices have repercussions on ourselves and others.

 

If we choose to contact an ex, then we risk tremendous pain and continual suffering. But, in some cases, we just may be building into a relationship that will be stronger. There is not enough space to describe a situation entirely on these forums, so ultimately, all u can get is a unique perspective on a very simplified situation.

 

If we choose not to contact again, we focus solely on healing... but risk never re-establishing what may have been a solid relationship.

 

As my father said to me climbing once... "tread carefuly, dean, even the most stable rock can fall. choose your line on a face and stick with it."

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi all,

 

I think the "do nothing" post means something a bit different. I like to think that if I don't say anything, or dont do anything then I won't say or do anything stupid. That's for sure.

 

I want to believe that if the relationship was ment to be, then it will happen no matter what. Otherwise it won't and the parties go about there way. I think this applies to dumpers, dumpees, males and females.

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[jigsaw]

There is something immoral about abandoning one's own judgement in my opinion. I believe this thread indicates that ultimately, we make choices. These choices have repercussions on ourselves and others.

 

If we choose to contact an ex, then we risk tremendous pain and continual suffering. But, in some cases, we just may be building into a relationship that will be stronger. There is not enough space to describe a situation entirely on these forums, so ultimately, all u can get is a unique perspective on a very simplified situation.

 

If we choose not to contact again, we focus solely on healing... but risk never re-establishing what may have been a solid relationship.

 

As my father said to me climbing once... "tread carefuly, dean, even the most stable rock can fall. choose your line on a face and stick with it."

 

My thoughts exactly. Thank you.

[Lansing]

I can relate to this thread... I was thinking the same thing. A girl is less likely to "pursue" the guy again even if interested (my theory). I think the girl is less likely to initiate calls even during the relationship in most cases.... So, they are less likely to initiate contact after. On top of that, if a girl breaks up with a guy because of her own insecurities then it makes for an even stronger case that she won't contact the guy.

 

I think girls are likely to maintain "No Contact" also. For example, if someone, anyone, called me, I would return their call.. Well, I think a girl is more used to " I don't want to look overly interested/anxious/etc so I won't call back"... It makes a guy left wondering what she wants!

[solo34]

"On top of that, if a girl breaks up with a guy because of her own insecurities then it makes for an even stronger case that she won't contact the guy."

 

Either insecurities, thinking the grass is greener, etc. It will be hard if they made a mistake by thinking the grass is greener because they'll probably be thinking "how could I do this 2 him? I was so wrong, and he probably doesn't want me and could never 4give me, etc."

 

It's a hard call, and your brain is constantly going.

 

-Solo34

[bcuzitwasfun]

Sometimes the grass is greener......

 

Sometimes you or your partner have made up their mind and you don't know it. If in the relationship you take everything for granted, and you think that they have made a mistake because you want them to think it isn't greener, you are setting yourself up.

 

Most (not all) success stories on this site and in life are those where you have healed and moved on and forgot about the past relationship. These posts are ones that most need to read. Not the ones of "NC brought my lover back....." or do I think that she "left me because she thinks the grass is greener" or because of "her insecurities"?

 

Point blank.... She has a better life now. She made that choice and why should you care? You really were not included in the decisoon. It is a done deal, it is over, I am out of her life and drama. PERIOD.

 

Right or wrong, you can do very well and don't need the drama. You don't need her advice, doin;t need her thoughts, don't need nothing from her. When you get nothing from her, that's when you will and can move forward with your life.

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[kadvati79]

My opinion is that NC is a great tool for when you cannot control your emotions, and cannot stop yourself playing games. In a way NC is playing a game.

 

If the relationship really is salvagible, there will be a genuine comitment on both sides to maintaining something of a civilized existence. Ie. You both still care for each other.

 

The only guarenteed plan for "wining" you ex back, is for there to still be love and caring unfettered by the emotions surrounding the breakup. I believe this is what NC is all about - NOT about punishing an ex into realising how awesome you are. NC is a philosophy where I acknowledge that I cannot contact my ex like I used too, and that my motives should be pure when I do end up contacting him.

 

I couldn't be sure of my motives for 10 days. Even now, I still want to get back with him deep in my heart, but I have regained enough composure to realise that contact is fraught with danger and anything longer than thirty seconds on MSN is incredibly risky!

 

NC for me is about putting a curtain around your emotions resulting from the breakup, to allow you some time for your mind to start taking a role in the decision making process again. For me it is about regaining (some) sense of objectivity

[tigerwalk]

I am beginning to believe that as a dumper, a woman is much firmer in her decision to break up the engagement. It looks like women will end the emotional relationship before the actual breakup (a couple of weeks before) and then use the rest of the time to justify it to themselves. By the time the breakup happens, they are sure that it's what they want to do.

 

Bottom line, I just don't see women that are the dumpers re-establishing contact. It seems like that if there's going to be a chance to revive a relationship that the woman ended, it has to be then dumped man that establishes a little contact, slowly, after a period of NC. Kinda like the start to a whole new relationship.

[solo34]

Hey TigerWalk, what U just posted is pure genious, and as I was reading it, it hit me hard as the truth.

 

Women are just TOO intelligent and mature...they always know what they want, and when they make decisions, it's because it's really what they want and like U said...they've thought about it long enough 2 know that it IS what they want 2 do.

 

Great post.

 

-Solo34

[tigerwalk]

Thanks solo,

Tonight will be four weeks of NC for me. Being the dumpee, I still feel like I need to be the one that initiates anything if we are to ever get back together. I feel like waiting a little longer. I have a b-day next week and I don't feel like I should contact her until after it.

[haley999]

Hey Tiger - I agree and disagree with your theory about woman and breakups... When I left my ex-husband, I was "emotionally checked out" of the relationship for months before the actual split. The divorce came as a TOTAL shock to him because actually before the break we were getting along fine. No more fighting, arguing, living like friendly roomates basically. He thought things were on track but the reason was becasue I was numb to him - I had no more fight in me - the easiness before the breakup was because I was done.

 

When we split he did the needy take me back - to the screw you B****. He went, what I see from here, NC, and then met me and gave me a book of poetry. I had NO response to the book - none. I did not engage him in any way. I was done. Although it was a hard transition, there was nothing that he could have done to make me feel that love for him again. NOTHING.

 

If you contact her again and she does not respond or responds as she would to say a co-worker - she is done.

 

On another note - are what you saying is that men and less certain when they end things? A friend said to me that men tend to end relationships as a way to get away because of the stress the emotions, fights, etc. is having... LIke a fight or flight response. They aren't really contemplating a "real" end - but a end to what is happenning now. True?

[tigerwalk]

Thanks Haley,

I do believe that men just want to get away. When I've been the dumper, it's usually just to get out out of something that I wasn't gung ho about in the first place, or I probably was settling for being with someone that I shouldn't be with and realized it once I was in it. For me, as a dumper, it has usually happened pretty early (max two months) into a relationship. I did have a 3 year relationship that I ended, but only after I met the woman that I would marry.

 

As for that marriage, it sounds eerily similar to yours. I do believe she checked out a month or two before she left. In fact, the wek prior to her leaving was one of our stronger times, I thought. When she left, it was the biggest shock in my life. And, you're right....there was nothing I could do to get her back. As much as I tried, she did not want to.

 

In this current relationship, I don't see her checking out quite like that. Maybe a couple of days before, but that's about it. In fact, she called me the day after the breakup just because she "hadn't talked to me that day". Now that was over 2 months ago and we have had little contact (none in the last 30 days). I still have to drive by her house on my way home, and I can't help but look. Last night, she had her front door open and I caught a glimpse of her at home, by herself, cooking dinner. It just makes me want to send her an email letter telling her what's going on in my life and that she should respond only if she wants to. Nothing pushy at all...just giving her a chance to know that I have been working on things since the breakup, but open-ended enough so I don't have any reason to get my hopes up. I still don't know if it's right for us to be together. I do know that we had a lot going for us and wanted to give her the first right of refusal (for lack of a better term).

 

Sorry to drag out the response, but I just felt like I needed to vent.

[hoping]

well ive been reading ur posts...and u guys are amazing with the opinions and advice....well how long should i keep up NC before i make a contact? she broke up with me and it was a 2 yrs relationship....its been a solid week as of now

[solo34]

Man, U got a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time 2 go yet. Focus on YOU, and by the way, who dumped who? If U dumped her, then U can always make the attempt 2 get her back.

 

If she quit U, then U gotta wait a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time like I said earlier.

 

-Solo34