So very confussed

[macphisto1971]

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years. I met her when I was seeing my last girlfriend of 10 years. I am a DJ but also have a very good job through the week. We live together and bought a house almost a year ago and a year before that. Everything is great and we have even talked about marriage. However that was all until January this year. I met a girl who works in my office and who I also see out at the weekends. I am 35 and she is 19. The chemistry is so amazing. We have everything in common from food and films to music even our view on people and life. We have had sex twice now and met several times. We have talked for hours on the phone and constantly texting each other. We have both become very attracted to each other almost to the point it is love rather than lust. We actually miss each other when we do not see each other and when we meet spend ages hugging. My girlfriend is beautiful and all my friends tell me so, she is 25 and also have a lot in common and get on very well with her her friends and I am very close to her family indeed. The thing is I can not block out the feelings for this other girl no matter how I try she is so under my skin. Am I falling in love, we met so out of the blue its unreal. I am afraid of losing what I have and starting a relationship with someone elso who is 19 and so much ahead of her but it still feels so very right.

[NJRon]

You just met this girl less than 2 months ago. It is *not* love. It is infatuation.

 

It doesn't sound like you have a bad relationship at all with your current girlfriend. You are throwing something away that is working for you. You will lose what you have regardless, if you don't put a stop to it now. And if you decide to throw it away, and go with this 19 year old, there is a very slim probability of it working out. There are a lot of things that she still needs to do at that age and many changes. What kind of person is she really, if she would have an affair with a guy that is in such an obviously serious relationship?

 

You don't even know her.

[kellbell]

"You just met this girl less than 2 months ago. It is *not* love. It is infatuation."

 

I absolutely agree with NJRon 100%. These feelings will wear away after some time and when that happens you are going to regret you threw away something great for a 19 year old. What can you possibly have in common with a 19 year old???

 

"view on people and life. " What can a 19 year old know about life???

 

My advice is either break up with your current girlfriend or break things off with other girl. What you are doing is so unfair. Take care and good luck with everything.

 

 

 

[RayKay]

The thing is I can not block out the feelings for this other girl no matter how I try she is so under my skin.

 

I absolutely hate when people use this excuse. This will be harsh but the fact is YOU CHOSE to put yourself in that position where you would "develop feelings". You CHOSE to sleep with her, and to cheat on your girlfriend with. The feelings did not appear out of nowhere, they were promoted by cheating on your girlfriend with her. You are spending time on your relationship with her rather then with your girlfriend. Feelings are not just coming from nowhere.

 

It is a CHOICE to cheat. You are not just a walking penis. You can make rational choices, and decisions.

 

Sure, this girl is great and fun and you have things in common with. You do with your gf too by what you have said.

 

Now aside from that, I see a few red flags:

 

1) She is willing to participate in an affair, knowing you are with someone.

 

2) You are having an affair, and basically saying you don't honour your commitments. Do you think in 6-10 years this situation WON'T happen again? Relationships born out of affairs have a minimal chance of making it. What did you think of your current gf when you first started seeing her?

 

3) She is 19 and you are 35...sure it's all dandy now, but are you really in similar places in life? Are you really ready to go through her growing up? Is she really going to be in love enough to be with you when you are 45 and she is 29? Maybe, but are you sure she is with YOU for right reasons? Is her view on life based on actual life experiences, or on what she thinks your views are?

 

 

My girlfriend is beautiful and all my friends tell me so, she is 25 and also have a lot in common and get on very well with her her friends and I am very close to her family indeed.

 

I say you break it off with your girlfriend actually so she can find someone whom will treat her with the respect, and love, she deserves. Stop fooling her, you can't treat people this way. Then you are free to be with this 19 year old all you want. I am sure she won't be too surprised given you cheated on your last gf too...heartbroken, but not surprised.

[ElektraHere]

Sorry Mac I agree with the others. This is plain out infatuation and the 19 y.o. she will get bored and move on. I think that what you are doing is appauling and that you are totally disrespecting your girlfriend. You have a pattern of being with someone and then moving on with someone else before you end it with the person you are currently with.

All I can say is all the CHOICES you are making at this moment are going to come crashing right back into. Sorry you get no sympathy from me what would you expect people on the boards to say to this? That they would actually agree with your actions and choices? I think you will be hard pressed for that.

[SilverCloud]

Sorry to say this but in my experience when a girl goes for a guy with that much age difference its normally cause she is looking for a father figure and will probably do a lot of things your way just because subconsciously she wants the older guy in her life to be pleased by her .... sorry but thats true to some extent... just like guys go for some one way younger... the only guy that i know of who when for an older woman was ashton Kutcher

You have to realize do you really wana deal with her based on such conditions?

[Beyondthesea]

You've had sex with her twice now, break it off with your girlfriend! I assume you are here, looking for validation for leaving a stable relationship for a fling...there isn't one!

 

The only thing is you aren't being honest with your girlfriend. Break it off immediately and spare her the heartache. It's quite obvious you aren't ready for a committed relationship! Guilt should have set in by now but it hasn't.

 

Not good.

[Hope75]

Afraid I have to agree with the others. You seem to have a history of cheating on your long term girlfriends.

 

The issue of the age difference and the different stages of life that you and this 19 year old are in is one problem, which I agree with Raykay, is likely to fizzle when she gets a little older and realizes she isn't on the same page as you, unless you are the one to figure that out first.

 

The other thing is that I don't think you know what you want either. Do you think it's fair to be cheating on your girl? You say you love her, but if you did, you would NOT make the decision to cheat on her, and everyone is right-- you are not a helpless participant in this affair, you have made the CHOICE to sleep with this other woman, knowing that it would crush your girlfriend and betray your six year relationship, and yet you still did it.

 

Let your girlfriend go. She deserves to be with someone who loves and respects her and shows it by treating her that way.

[liz1204]

I have to agree with everyone else. Take it from someone who has been cheated on. It is something that changes a person's life forever. If you really do love your girlfriend, and you want to pursue this other person, then let your girlfriend go.

 

Being cheated on makes you question everything about your life and yourself. You feel used up and thrown away like yesterday's garbage. By breaking up with your girlfriend, you will at least have left her with some self esteem, self respect, and a chance to find someone who will love and respect her.

[spiderman_56]

I guess you are aware of the goods that come with having multiple women. I think you have more of a problem in your hands because the issue is not the situation/ girl you are in/with but You yourself.

It could be any good looking and reasonable girl it wouldn't make a difference and we all know that all relationships start well.

 

I think you are either sexually bored, or emotionally 'done' and in a stage where your feelings for your gf are stagnant and do not evolve , getting in a routine = annoying which would explain your current situation. You should quickly figure out the reasons of you behavior and set things straight with both mates as it's most likely to explode in your face if you do not take action in a certain timeframe.

 

It's not love it's infactuation.

[spiderman_56]

The point is what course of action should he take at this moment not the 'cheating' topic.

Men cheat , women cheat , people cheat for various reasons , various length of period and at different level of attachement.

And as per SOCIETY and most people values including mine , cheating is wrong but the debate is not on that.

 

macphisto1971, I think you should make a choice, and relationships wise you have more chances of working this out with a 25yr old girl then a 19 considered your age.

[ElektraHere]

well I have never cheated on my boyfriends so I am not in that category! He came on this site for validation of his cheating. Now do you really think he would get much positive feedback here....NO!

[NJRon]

I have to agree with Elektra. I have never cheated either and I have been cheated on multiple times. Although it sucks sometimes, there is a *right* way to go about indulging in other partners. And that way is to break ties with your current partner first. If you are feeling that your current partner is not enough for you, then move on and spare them the drama and the pain. I am personally tired of cowards that need to line up things on the side before they feel safe enough to end things.

 

I did not see a plea for assistance in making a decision in his post. Instead, as Elektra said, I read a post asking for validation.

 

While it may be a very difficult choice, to choose between the two women, the actions that have been taken while trying to make that choice are unjustified.

[macphisto1971]

The thing is with the job I do it could be any girl any weekend and I have walked away from plenty over the years but this one seems different.

[NJRon]

You're still seeking validation for your actions. There is no validation. Regardless of your feelings, you are doing the wrong thing. Their are only two right ways to handle this.

 

1. Never getting involved with the other girl in the first place

2. Break up with your girlfriend before pursuing the other girl

 

That's it. You missed the boat on doing the right thing. You didn't 'walk away' six years ago on your girlfriend of 10 years and in another span of time, you will probably not 'walk away' again in another few years down the road. There will be no justification for it when it happens then either.

[macphisto1971]

I am actually not seeking any form of validation. What I am doing/done is wrong I know that. My confussion is which way to go now. Can I salvage my relationship, will the other work, each possible chapter plays in my mind.

[SilverCloud]

I am actually not seeking any form of validation. What I am doing/done is wrong I know that. My confussion is which way to go now. Can I salvage my relationship, will the other work, each possible chapter plays in my mind.

 

You need to make a decision and stick with it. Most people calculate their pros and cons or follow their heart.

 

You will never know which option will work or which one will not. Only way to find out is to pick one side and learn to ride it through whether it has bad weather or good. Bad things happen and you know what life is not a bed of roses, we will have our share of pain.

 

Pick your poison and live with it, just don’t hurt others while doing so.

 

No one deserves to be hurt cause of your indecisiveness. One person with indecisiveness can F*** up others mental and emotional health. I have been on the receiving end of someones indecisiveness, its painful, it only shows that person does not care for you and is highly immature.

 

If you care about any one of the side then you would put your feelings aside and do the best to save pain to that person. Make the decision soon, rather then prolonging the pain you are going to end up sending to the ones that you claim to love.