love triangle

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I'm very, very, very, very, VERY sorry for the length of this post...thank you so much in advance to anyone who actually has the patience to read this mess, because I know I sure wouldn't! You have no idea how much I would appreciate any input with regard to this though, because I am in a really difficult situation right now.

 

Last summer, I went into a relationship with a certain boy: we'll call him Jack. It was not my first relationship, but it was certainly the strongest I ever felt for someone...we fell in love. For the first time in my life, I felt real love. Love is a strong word for me - you can never "think" you're in love, you just know. And for the first time ever, with this boy, I knew. For once in my life, I felt...real. I felt like I had a purpose. I felt alive. It was the most amazing sensation I had ever felt, and these feelings were utterly unprecedented to me...we spent every single day together, and every moment we were apart, I wanted to be where he was. There's just no way words can adequately describe it...it was love, and it was perfect. We started dating around June, and everything was absolutely perfect until late September.

 

I know this sounds bad, I don't think there's a way to say it without making him seem like a jerk, and he really is a wonderful, incredible human being, but...basically, Jack dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him. I don't believe in premarital sex, and even if I did, I just feel as though sex is an unnecessary complication that I'm just not ready for. I'm the type of person who's always taken for granted. I'm the kind of person who always lets everyone in my life walk all over me...words cannot express how emotionally devastating it was for me that when I finally stood up for myself, I did it only to be shot down the way I was. I was an emotional wreck, I was destroyed. My friends all told me he was a dirtbag for this, and that I was better off, but...this was love. You can't just "move on" from love...can you?

 

The intense emotional pain was intensified by the fact that he didn't just break up with me, but he also pushed me away and completely shut me out of his life. We never talked anymore. I decided time was the only thing that could heal me from my state...and it was, or so it seemed. About a month later (we're now looking at late October/early November), I began to develop a little crush on another boy (who we'll call Andrew) who I had also known since the summer, but only online. We decided to meet one day, and the moment I saw him, my 'little crush' solidified instantly. We began to hung out frequently, both with our friends and one-on-one, and before too long, it was pretty obvious that we were both head over heels for one another.

 

He turned my gray skies blue and made me happier than he could ever know. A month later, in December, Andrew asked me out...I was so happy. Not just to have found someone new, but for the fact that he really picked me up from being down and turned my gray skies from my past relationship blue. Things were perfect. They were going to stay perfect...we were absolutely perfect...right? Wrong. Andrew was absolutely perfect: he was. He was wonderful and everything I could ever ask for. But a mere week after getting together, after a mere week of perfection with Andrew, I got a call from Jack. It was the first time we had spoken since September. Immediately, I became confused: he talked to me about the past and told me he felt terrible for what he did, that it had been eating away at him since he dumped me. He said he understood that I had a new boyfriend now, but that he just wanted to know me and talk to me and be my friend the way he used to. I told him I wanted to be his friend again too, and that it hurt me that he didn't talk to me for so long.

 

I immediately began to slump back into a state of confusion and despair that overtook me after Jack dumped me: I just didn't know what was going on. Andrew, of course noticed, and asked me what was wrong, immediately asking if it was something he did: I told him of course not, that nothing could be further from the truth, and tried to comfort him. He told me I could tell him anything, and that he would listen no matter what. He cared about me deeply and wanted to help me. I cared about him deeply too: that's why I couldn't tell him what was bothering me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, and if he knew what the problem was, of course he would be hurt. I told myself I could get through this myself, and that eventually, everything between Andrew and I would be fine: nothing was wrong to begin with. No, this was something I had to figure out on my own, and when I do, everything will be okay. "Please don't worry about me," I told him. He told me there was no way he couldn't worry about me, and said he would do anything he could to help, and if there was anything I wasn't telling him, to not be afraid to talk about it. I told him that there wasn't, and said that him being there for me was more than enough.

 

Jack invited me to his birthday party, which was coincidentally also a New Year's Eve party. Andrew and I had already made plans to go to another party that evening, but I felt indebted to Jack for everything he gave me when we were together: he wasn't just my boyfriend and first love, he was my best friend. I couldn't just not go. And not only that, but I also knew I had to go in order to figure myself out. But I couldn't tell Andrew about it: what would he think? "Hi, I'm at my ex-boyfriend's New Year's party"...no. I couldn't tell him where I was going. I just told him I was going to "a friend's" party. The plan was that I would leave early, and a friend of mine would drive me to be with Andrew. But the weather was very bad: instead, I was eventually forced to call Andrew to tell him that I couldn't see him tonight. He was naturally disappointed, but also understanding, because he was a wonderful boyfriend. I promised I would hang out with him the next day.

 

But when I was at Jack's party...it was almost as if all my feelings for him came rushing back all at once. It was then that I came to the full realization that I was never really over Jack to begin with. And as wonderful as Andrew was, despite my strong feelings for him as well, I simply wasn't ready for a new relationship for as long as I wasn't over Jack. I felt terrible for feeling that I had to break up with him, but I knew I had to: it just wasn't fair to him. But I was too scared to do what I had to do in person, even though I had promised him we would hang out: I did it online because I thought that maybe it would be easier. I was wrong: he was absolutely devastated, probably even moreso because of the fact that it was online. He told me that he loved me, and that I was not just the first person he had ever felt that way about, but that this was the first relationship he was ever in, period. It went on like this for weeks: I felt horrible. I had destroyed Andrew the same way Jack had destroyed me. He kept telling me it was not my fault and to just forget about him, but I told him I could never do that to him. There was no way I was going to just shut him out of my life the way Jack shut me out. What killed me the most was the fact that no matter how much I told him that he had done nothing wrong, that this was all my fault, he always found some way to try to pin the blame onto himself. He didn't deserve this kind of treatment at all: he loved me, and I let him down. I felt like such a monster.

 

Meanwhile, I tried telling Jack my feelings for him. I told him that I realized I was still in love with him, and that I needed more than anything for him to come back to me. My friends all thought I was crazy for actually wanting to go back to something that hurt me so much, but...I had to. It was love, and love always finds a way. For three weeks, whenever I talked to him it ended up doing nothing but hurting me...he told me that he loved me, but that I never offered him anything and that I "ruined his life." I was absolutely devastated to the point that it even gave me physical pain. And all that pain was intensified even more because of the fact that not only was I being crushed, but now I had crushed someone too. I didn't know what to do, so I just started to...seclude myself from Jack. If he was just going to continue hurting me, then I wasn't going to talk to him. I stopped using the internet and phone, until one day...he came to visit me. He told me he was wrong to have ever taken me for granted, that he always loved me and couldn't live without me, and he took me back. I was unbelievably happy...through even the darkest hours, even when it seemed hopeless, I always held on: "love always finds a way." And it did. Perfect. Okay...happily ever after from here on out, right? Is this over yet? Nope, not even close...

 

Before Jack took me back, Andrew and I seemed to kind of form a strange bond out of the fact that we were both going through very similar situations of being unable to let go of our past relationships (keeping in mind that I was the one who put Andrew into the situation he was in) and move forward. Despite the irony, we had that in common, and through that, he seemed to be getting better...I think he hoped that eventually, I would "come to my senses" and that maybe somewhere down the road we could go back. He's retained the entire time that more than anything in the world, he just wants to “go back” to what we had. But upon learning that Jack and I were back together, he became even more depressed and secluded than ever before. He was not getting better anymore: he was getting worse, and it was all my fault. At one point, I got very angry with him because he seemed to be suggesting that my love for Jack wasn't real, that maybe I was just manipulated...he apologized profusely afterwards saying it was not his place to say that at all, but ever since then, I've been so afraid that...I don't know, what if he's right? He also told me he missed me terribly and just wanted more than anything to see me again. I felt selfish and terrible, but I told him that I couldn't yet...not only was he not ready, but I knew Jack wouldn't be happy about that. Andrew also told me that the break-up had affected every other aspect of his life, and that he had even begun to seek professional help. I never knew it would hurt him and destroy him as much as I did...words cannot express how terrible I felt. I tried to downplay the significance of the relationship (although we were strongly "in like" and affectionate toward one another for a while, it really was "officially" only two weeks), I've tried to convince him that I'm not the only one out there, but he can't help the way he feels for me just like I can't help the way I feel for Jack... It devastates me to see Andrew the way he is, especially because it's all my fault, because I care about him so much and I'm so thankful to him for all the good he brought me, but I just don't know what to tell him. I love Jack...I can't help it.

 

But I'd be lying if I said my new relationship with Jack was entirely rosy. My love for him overpowers anything else, but I'm always so incredibly paranoid and afraid of losing him again. I overheard my friends talking about how I've "changed", how I'm losing "the morals of a good person", etc. And as angry as it made me to hear these things, I can't help but shake the feeling that they might be right...despite the fact that I'm in love with him, I've begun to feel increasingly self-centered and superficial. I lie to my parents about where I am all the time now, something I never used to do. Whenever I feel even the least bit slighted by Jack, I start to seclude myself again. I cry for hours and I pretend to be "sick" so I don't have to go to school...and he doesn't even seem to care. If I were to try to stand up for myself and tell him, he would yell at me, and I'm so terrified that he might even leave me again like the last time I stood up for myself to him. And then, there's the whole question of sex...it hasn't come up again yet, and I'm hoping it won't, but I have no idea what to do if it does...I can't afford to lose him again, I just can't. Meanwhile, Andrew has now stopped talking to me completely: the last time I tried to contact him, he ignored me. I'm in love with Jack, and I think he's in love with me, but I'm just so...afraid of what will happen. And I know Andrew deserves better. Since he stopped talking to me, I've begun to genuinely miss him...I thought that my feelings for him were completely gone as soon as Jack took me back, but now I just...don't know. I just...have no clue what to do. And none of this is fair to me, or to Jack, or to Andrew. Bleh.

 

Whew, that was a lot of writing. Thanks so much if you've made it this far. I'll be shocked if anyone actually replies to this given the insane length of this post, but you have no idea how much I would appreciate any insight or advice.

[Ms Omaniac]

im so sorry to hear of your pain.

but honey...jack isnt good for you. he knows he can get away with murder. he knows the control he has over you by just threatening to leave. he knows youre a great catch but he takes advantage of your nature that allows everyone to walk all over you. he might love you...but he has an ugly side to him.

andrew sounds like a sweetheart too. i bet you youre gonna be devastated when he finds someone else. you shouldnt have dated him so quickly but it's also a shame you dont wanna end up with him. he's what a lot of girls wish they had. maybe your self esteem makes you feel you dont deserve him?

you are learning painful lessons in life. one thing for sure though....if you have a boyfriend....you dont see your ex behind his back. you should have either taken him or not go. but like how you wouldnt see andrew because of jack...you shouldnt have seen jack because of andrew.

also...once you break up...i dont care how close of friends you once were...you stop talking to them completely. this is to allow you to heal as well as your ex. you should only break NC once you have no romantic feelings and your partner also feels the same. then maybeeeee the old friendship can resume.

take care sweetee.

[solo34]

Hello...1st thing is this. Jack's not a good guy. If U can't voice yourself 2 him, then what good is he 2 U? He's forcing U 2 live in fear of him. It's going 2 end with this loser sooner or later, and I'd advise U 2 end it with him before HE breaks your heart yet again. 2nd thing is this, U don't need a man...er, boy in your life at this time. U are very confused and 2 dependent upon a boy 4 your happiness. U need 2 focus on yourself, and only yourself. Once U get out of high school, and a little older, THEN U can worry about a MAN in your life...but even then U won't need one. Just end it with Whack...I mean Jack, and move on with your young life.

 

-Solo34

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Thanks so much for the replies.

 

I feel like I may have painted Jack in too negative of a light...what I said is all true, but if he didn't really love me, I don't know why he would be doing all this. And I think breaking up with him just seems out of the question, it would be like...controlling the way I feel, and I know something bad always happens when you try to do that. I love him and there's just nothing that can help that...how could I just leave him unless my feelings were to change? And I can't control my feelings.

 

I just feel terrible because I know Andrew can't control his feelings either...you can't just make yourself stop having feelings for someone. I identify with him completely and it makes me really sad that he doesn't talk to me anymore, but I can understand why he doesn't...I know how much it hurts. bleh.

[solo34]

Well...my feeling is that you're between the ages of 14-16, am I right? Not 2 be harsh, but do U really want 2 be a young woman that falls victim 2 some type of domestic abuse of some sort? He's a controlling guy, and that's a red flag. Do U think at your age that you're really going 2 stay with this boy? It's not a huge chance that U are. Even if U could, why would U want 2 be with a kid like this? Sorry 2 say, but you're going 2 lose this kid at some point, and it might as well be sooner than later...and also by your doing. U can't allow yourself 2 be controlled by him and 2 live in fear.

-Solo34

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I'm 16, turning 17 soon, he's a senior and just turned 18...he's not all bad though, sigh I don't know. We all have our shortcomings (especially me), and when you love someone, you have to accept them. It's about the feelings I have for him more than anything. He was my first love, your first love is just something that...doesn't fade away so quickly. If love weren't involved then I don't think I would have ever put up with anything, but...it's love. That's why I couldn't forget Jack even after meeting and getting together with Andrew...Jack was my first love. And that's probably why Andrew has been having so much difficulty coping with this...I was Andrew's first love. I've been told that your first love always has a special place in your heart no matter what...bleh, it's just such a mess.

[solo34]

Well, you're a good young woman...but it's worse than I thought. He's 18, so he's already developed his personality...yes, he will change LATER in life, but the question is which way? More controlling, or less? I wouldn't advise U staying around 2 find out. Is he going away 2 college or anything?

 

-Solo34

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He is going away to college, we haven't really discussed what will happen then though, because we've always just felt as though it's better to live in the present and to always live for the moment rather than worrying about what will happen. But I won't lie, I find myself worrying on the inside all the time even if I don't express it to him...I really can see this ending badly eventually if I look at it objectively, but as long as I love him, as long as we're here and it's now, I just feel like it's out of my power to do anything...maybe it's best to just live in the present? I really wish I knew.

[solo34]

Well...We know that U love HIM; but does HE LOVE YOU???? That my friend, is the million dollar question.

 

-Solo34

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He says he does and I believe him, I just can't help being afraid I'll get hurt again because that's what everyone around me is saying will happen...everyone thinks I made a big mistake, like I had a window of opportunity to be "saved" or something with Andrew and I blew it...maybe I did, but there's just no way to look ahead into the future and to know these things now. I believe that everything that happens happens for a reason, and although things with Andrew seemed absolutely wonderful and perfect, it just wasn't meant to be, because it turned out everything I felt for Jack was still there... It's silly to go back to look at the "what-ifs" of the past, because we're not there anymore: we're here. I am so sorry for all the pain I've caused Andrew, and I feel so selfish for doing this to him...he deserved so much better. He took me out of the wilderness I was in and he made me feel so happy, and the wonderful memories I have with him will always be there. He's an incredible person, it kills me to see him in pain, it kills me that my relationship with him had to end before it even really started, but I just...can't help the way I feel for Jack. I had to follow my heart. I wish I had something to give Andrew in return for all that he's given me, but I've just...given away all I have to give.

 

I think the real question is, is my love for Jack worth the potential hurting that may come from it? And I really think I'd have to say yes...because love overpowers everything. And we also don't know if hurt will come from it. We just don't know until it happens.

[whatif]

You must stand up to Jack because you will not be able to live like this for the rest of your life. You are so worried about Jack leaving you that put you into a state of obsession for him. From you discriptions, Jack is not a person who loves you or loved you with his whole heart. No man can leave a girl for not having sex and shut her out of life for months if he had loved her. Also, if he had shut you out of his life, I strongly suspect that he must had another relationship where he received what he wanted. After that, he must not felt the same feelings with that person as he felt with you, so he came back to you.

 

You need to express your true feelings with Jack because you can only hide for so long. It's better to leave Andrew alone because you have caused him enought trouble. I have been in Andrew's shoes once and it is very cruel. Don't hurt that boy anymore. Just take your time and have some quality time yourself. Learn to be independent before you jump from relationship to relationship.

[solo34]

Exactly...well put, WhatIf...well put.

 

One more thing, WhatIf...man, U GOT 2 change that avatar!! U got me thinking about my girl!! Hahaha

 

-Solo34

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I understand where you're all coming from, but...don't you think that love is something that overcomes all? Doesn't love make everything worth it?

[solo34]

Yeah, but only if it's a mutual and healthy love...that's the ONLY time that it's worth it.

 

-Solo34

[Hope75]

I understand where you're all coming from, but...don't you think that love is something that overcomes all? Doesn't love make everything worth it?

 

No, only if you love YOURSELF enough to recognize when someone is bad for you and isn't treating you with love and respect.

 

It's a nice thought, but in reality, it's just not the case.

 

This Jack just isn't good for you. You are so afraid of losing him that you are losing YOURSELF in the process, changing to suit his needs, lying to your parents, upsetting your friends....and breaking the heart of someone who truly did care for you.

 

You are young, but before Jack you had some idea of love and respect for yourself, and now you put yourself last to keep someone you can't even be sure will stick around.

 

Breaking up with him is out of the question......... why?

 

Have you lost so much of yourself already that you don't think you can exist without him?

 

Honey, a man should add to your life, not be your life.

 

This just isn't healthy.

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He says he's changed for me though, and when I look into his eyes, I can't not believe him...I can't not believe the love of my life. He's made some mistakes, but haven't we all? He says he's sorry and he never meant to hurt me. I understand what you're all suggesting, but if this is really love, and I know it is...well, then I just don't know what I can do.

[solo34]

I'm done here...You're 2 blind 2 the facts of the situation. You're blinded by YOUR love 4 someone that isn't showing YOU true love.

 

-Solo34

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I understand how impractical or ridiculous I must seem, and I don't even know, maybe you're all right, but I've just been completely...blinded by love. And this is just the way I am, I just sit back and take everything because I'm so afraid of losing people...and people are good at walking all over me too. Whenver I actually do stand up for myself, people just get angry at me and then I go back where I started, just pitying and kicking myself and apologizing for daring to stand up for myself. Whenver I try to explain anything, I'm "selfish"...it's like some people don't even see me as a real person. They think I can't feel pain or something, they think I'm just always happy and bubbly and everything's always fine with me. But I can't just drop friendships. I can't just drop...love. Whenever I do stand up for myself, I always end up giving in again because people tell me I'm selfish and I feel guilty. In the end, everything's always my fault...I always apologize. I'm too afraid of letting anyone down for my own good beacuse I just never put myself first, I always want everyone to be happy, and that's just not always possible.

 

I'm never good enough for anyone.

[whatif]

Come on now, don't beat yourself up. We all understand that you are in a very difficult situation. It's not easy to be yourself and make friends. It's hard to keep everybody you meet in life without much compromise. But those compromises should never contradict your values and your own self.

 

It seems like you are being a different person to avoid loosing Jack, but the reality is that Jack might leave you anyway. His actions and reactions after coming back to you speak for himself.

 

I know you can't even think of having a life without him at this point. We all have been at that point once or more. But the fact is.... you can do it without him. It just take a while to get used to it. It is going to be horrible in the beginning, but time and NC will heal everything.

 

Myself, Solo, and numerous people on this forum are living examples of that. You be yourself and express your concerns with Jack. If he is not willing to compromise and still love you for who you are, this is just not the relationship you want to be in for rest of your life.

 

If you are just looking for a temporary security until meeting someone better, then go for it. We all understand that it is VERY hard, but life must go on. This too shall pass. Now, take a deep breath and do something that you enjoy doing. And try to forget about this whole mess for an hour or two.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself ok.

[LotusFlower]

I understand... i'm 26 and I always thought I was getting more mature. The truth is some of us just love more. I can tell that you have a very loving heart, to have not had sex yet...you are still a virgin?...shows that you respect yourself.

 

It seems as though you know very well that Jack doesn't give you everything you want, otherwise you wouldn't feel the feelings you do towards andrew. Andrew gives you something Jack doesn't...but yes, you are more attracted to Jack, whether it be looks, chemistry, spiritualy, mentally, w/e...

 

YOu are too dependant emotionaly on Jack it sounds, I could be wrong, but thats how it sounds. The comment the one person said about a man should add to your life not be your life...is so true, expecially since this man is leaving ... what are you going to do now if you don't get a grip!???

 

He came back because he loved you...also because you stood up to him and that showed him that you didnt' 'need' him. Now you need him? Why? You don't... he needs to know that you don't 'need' him... because once you start needing him to be happy and survive, he is when he will walk all over you .

 

Just take one more weekend a month apart from eachother...hang out with your friends... get to know your girlfriends more, they are people that can definitely be around forever and make you smile incase the jerks and loves along the way leave you in their dust.

 

Its okay to love...it is. Don't worry about whats right and wrong in love, just do what FEELS GOOD TO YOU, and never compromise the love you have for yourself.

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I'm always hard on myself I guess because people always call me "selfish"...I try as hard as I can to be the best I can be to everyone, but it always ends up backfiring and whenever something bad happens to me, it's like a magnet for tons of other bad things. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not allowed to be happy and stay happy, something always gets in the way.

 

One thing that my friends always like to point out is that I was capable of being very happy without Jack, and that was all thanks to Andrew. I was extremely happy and I probably would have stayed that way until Jack started talking to me...then I realized that maybe I really do need him. I don't regret that because it was a real eye-opener, in a way I guess it just made me realize that love really is something undying. It's all so complicated and I've just been so very confused. It's not about being happy though as much as it's about love, as much as it's about the feelings I feel. "Love" is the only thing in my life that I know I can be really sure of...I just hope that it doesn't let me down like it did once before.

[LotusFlower]

It will...love is also about lessons

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He treats me like * * * *.

[Hope75]

Which one?

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Jack...Andrew actually just talked to me for the first time in a couple of weeks today and told me the he just desperately needed to escape from everything for a while, but now he's back.