I'm very, very, very, very, VERY sorry for the length of this post...thank you so much in advance to anyone who actually has the patience to read this mess, because I know I sure wouldn't! You have no idea how much I would appreciate any input with regard to this though, because I am in a really difficult situation right now.
Last summer, I went into a relationship with a certain boy: we'll call him Jack. It was not my first relationship, but it was certainly the strongest I ever felt for someone...we fell in love. For the first time in my life, I felt real love. Love is a strong word for me - you can never "think" you're in love, you just know. And for the first time ever, with this boy, I knew. For once in my life, I felt...real. I felt like I had a purpose. I felt alive. It was the most amazing sensation I had ever felt, and these feelings were utterly unprecedented to me...we spent every single day together, and every moment we were apart, I wanted to be where he was. There's just no way words can adequately describe it...it was love, and it was perfect. We started dating around June, and everything was absolutely perfect until late September.
I know this sounds bad, I don't think there's a way to say it without making him seem like a jerk, and he really is a wonderful, incredible human being, but...basically, Jack dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him. I don't believe in premarital sex, and even if I did, I just feel as though sex is an unnecessary complication that I'm just not ready for. I'm the type of person who's always taken for granted. I'm the kind of person who always lets everyone in my life walk all over me...words cannot express how emotionally devastating it was for me that when I finally stood up for myself, I did it only to be shot down the way I was. I was an emotional wreck, I was destroyed. My friends all told me he was a dirtbag for this, and that I was better off, but...this was love. You can't just "move on" from love...can you?
The intense emotional pain was intensified by the fact that he didn't just break up with me, but he also pushed me away and completely shut me out of his life. We never talked anymore. I decided time was the only thing that could heal me from my state...and it was, or so it seemed. About a month later (we're now looking at late October/early November), I began to develop a little crush on another boy (who we'll call Andrew) who I had also known since the summer, but only online. We decided to meet one day, and the moment I saw him, my 'little crush' solidified instantly. We began to hung out frequently, both with our friends and one-on-one, and before too long, it was pretty obvious that we were both head over heels for one another.
He turned my gray skies blue and made me happier than he could ever know. A month later, in December, Andrew asked me out...I was so happy. Not just to have found someone new, but for the fact that he really picked me up from being down and turned my gray skies from my past relationship blue. Things were perfect. They were going to stay perfect...we were absolutely perfect...right? Wrong. Andrew was absolutely perfect: he was. He was wonderful and everything I could ever ask for. But a mere week after getting together, after a mere week of perfection with Andrew, I got a call from Jack. It was the first time we had spoken since September. Immediately, I became confused: he talked to me about the past and told me he felt terrible for what he did, that it had been eating away at him since he dumped me. He said he understood that I had a new boyfriend now, but that he just wanted to know me and talk to me and be my friend the way he used to. I told him I wanted to be his friend again too, and that it hurt me that he didn't talk to me for so long.
I immediately began to slump back into a state of confusion and despair that overtook me after Jack dumped me: I just didn't know what was going on. Andrew, of course noticed, and asked me what was wrong, immediately asking if it was something he did: I told him of course not, that nothing could be further from the truth, and tried to comfort him. He told me I could tell him anything, and that he would listen no matter what. He cared about me deeply and wanted to help me. I cared about him deeply too: that's why I couldn't tell him what was bothering me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, and if he knew what the problem was, of course he would be hurt. I told myself I could get through this myself, and that eventually, everything between Andrew and I would be fine: nothing was wrong to begin with. No, this was something I had to figure out on my own, and when I do, everything will be okay. "Please don't worry about me," I told him. He told me there was no way he couldn't worry about me, and said he would do anything he could to help, and if there was anything I wasn't telling him, to not be afraid to talk about it. I told him that there wasn't, and said that him being there for me was more than enough.
Jack invited me to his birthday party, which was coincidentally also a New Year's Eve party. Andrew and I had already made plans to go to another party that evening, but I felt indebted to Jack for everything he gave me when we were together: he wasn't just my boyfriend and first love, he was my best friend. I couldn't just not go. And not only that, but I also knew I had to go in order to figure myself out. But I couldn't tell Andrew about it: what would he think? "Hi, I'm at my ex-boyfriend's New Year's party"...no. I couldn't tell him where I was going. I just told him I was going to "a friend's" party. The plan was that I would leave early, and a friend of mine would drive me to be with Andrew. But the weather was very bad: instead, I was eventually forced to call Andrew to tell him that I couldn't see him tonight. He was naturally disappointed, but also understanding, because he was a wonderful boyfriend. I promised I would hang out with him the next day.
But when I was at Jack's party...it was almost as if all my feelings for him came rushing back all at once. It was then that I came to the full realization that I was never really over Jack to begin with. And as wonderful as Andrew was, despite my strong feelings for him as well, I simply wasn't ready for a new relationship for as long as I wasn't over Jack. I felt terrible for feeling that I had to break up with him, but I knew I had to: it just wasn't fair to him. But I was too scared to do what I had to do in person, even though I had promised him we would hang out: I did it online because I thought that maybe it would be easier. I was wrong: he was absolutely devastated, probably even moreso because of the fact that it was online. He told me that he loved me, and that I was not just the first person he had ever felt that way about, but that this was the first relationship he was ever in, period. It went on like this for weeks: I felt horrible. I had destroyed Andrew the same way Jack had destroyed me. He kept telling me it was not my fault and to just forget about him, but I told him I could never do that to him. There was no way I was going to just shut him out of my life the way Jack shut me out. What killed me the most was the fact that no matter how much I told him that he had done nothing wrong, that this was all my fault, he always found some way to try to pin the blame onto himself. He didn't deserve this kind of treatment at all: he loved me, and I let him down. I felt like such a monster.
Meanwhile, I tried telling Jack my feelings for him. I told him that I realized I was still in love with him, and that I needed more than anything for him to come back to me. My friends all thought I was crazy for actually wanting to go back to something that hurt me so much, but...I had to. It was love, and love always finds a way. For three weeks, whenever I talked to him it ended up doing nothing but hurting me...he told me that he loved me, but that I never offered him anything and that I "ruined his life." I was absolutely devastated to the point that it even gave me physical pain. And all that pain was intensified even more because of the fact that not only was I being crushed, but now I had crushed someone too. I didn't know what to do, so I just started to...seclude myself from Jack. If he was just going to continue hurting me, then I wasn't going to talk to him. I stopped using the internet and phone, until one day...he came to visit me. He told me he was wrong to have ever taken me for granted, that he always loved me and couldn't live without me, and he took me back. I was unbelievably happy...through even the darkest hours, even when it seemed hopeless, I always held on: "love always finds a way." And it did. Perfect. Okay...happily ever after from here on out, right? Is this over yet? Nope, not even close...
Before Jack took me back, Andrew and I seemed to kind of form a strange bond out of the fact that we were both going through very similar situations of being unable to let go of our past relationships (keeping in mind that I was the one who put Andrew into the situation he was in) and move forward. Despite the irony, we had that in common, and through that, he seemed to be getting better...I think he hoped that eventually, I would "come to my senses" and that maybe somewhere down the road we could go back. He's retained the entire time that more than anything in the world, he just wants to “go back” to what we had. But upon learning that Jack and I were back together, he became even more depressed and secluded than ever before. He was not getting better anymore: he was getting worse, and it was all my fault. At one point, I got very angry with him because he seemed to be suggesting that my love for Jack wasn't real, that maybe I was just manipulated...he apologized profusely afterwards saying it was not his place to say that at all, but ever since then, I've been so afraid that...I don't know, what if he's right? He also told me he missed me terribly and just wanted more than anything to see me again. I felt selfish and terrible, but I told him that I couldn't yet...not only was he not ready, but I knew Jack wouldn't be happy about that. Andrew also told me that the break-up had affected every other aspect of his life, and that he had even begun to seek professional help. I never knew it would hurt him and destroy him as much as I did...words cannot express how terrible I felt. I tried to downplay the significance of the relationship (although we were strongly "in like" and affectionate toward one another for a while, it really was "officially" only two weeks), I've tried to convince him that I'm not the only one out there, but he can't help the way he feels for me just like I can't help the way I feel for Jack... It devastates me to see Andrew the way he is, especially because it's all my fault, because I care about him so much and I'm so thankful to him for all the good he brought me, but I just don't know what to tell him. I love Jack...I can't help it.
But I'd be lying if I said my new relationship with Jack was entirely rosy. My love for him overpowers anything else, but I'm always so incredibly paranoid and afraid of losing him again. I overheard my friends talking about how I've "changed", how I'm losing "the morals of a good person", etc. And as angry as it made me to hear these things, I can't help but shake the feeling that they might be right...despite the fact that I'm in love with him, I've begun to feel increasingly self-centered and superficial. I lie to my parents about where I am all the time now, something I never used to do. Whenever I feel even the least bit slighted by Jack, I start to seclude myself again. I cry for hours and I pretend to be "sick" so I don't have to go to school...and he doesn't even seem to care. If I were to try to stand up for myself and tell him, he would yell at me, and I'm so terrified that he might even leave me again like the last time I stood up for myself to him. And then, there's the whole question of sex...it hasn't come up again yet, and I'm hoping it won't, but I have no idea what to do if it does...I can't afford to lose him again, I just can't. Meanwhile, Andrew has now stopped talking to me completely: the last time I tried to contact him, he ignored me. I'm in love with Jack, and I think he's in love with me, but I'm just so...afraid of what will happen. And I know Andrew deserves better. Since he stopped talking to me, I've begun to genuinely miss him...I thought that my feelings for him were completely gone as soon as Jack took me back, but now I just...don't know. I just...have no clue what to do. And none of this is fair to me, or to Jack, or to Andrew. Bleh.
Whew, that was a lot of writing. Thanks so much if you've made it this far. I'll be shocked if anyone actually replies to this given the insane length of this post, but you have no idea how much I would appreciate any insight or advice.
