it's not going away.....

[teacup]

i feel so dirty. i want to bleed it out. the dirty disgusting feelings aren't going away. i feel a compulsion to scrub my skin. i think i have ptsd. i think it's coming back.

 

i saw a therapist and she seems to want to use EMDR. i have no idea what that is. im not sure if she's any good or if she's a quack. im not sure if i should look for someone else.

 

all i know is i have good days and i have bad days. days when the shame is flooding over me, overwhelming, burying me, shaming me. i feel so low and dirty, disgusted, disrespected. i want nothing to do with men anymore. it is truly better to have yourself than to be with any man just for the sake of it. i learned this too late. i am so disgusted.

 

i am so traumatized. why cant i wash off the trauma? why cant i let the memories go? im so disturbed and disgusted. i regret so much. so awful. so gross. never again. kill me. i dont want to live with this.

 

*scrub scrub scrub* i am so disturbed. i am so traumatized.

[Dako]

EMDR won't harm you. It's a fairly harmless and promising addition to regular therapy. It involves moving your eyes according to instructions as to talk to your therapist. Please don't give up on therapy, because you have to stick with it until you get some relief.

[ElektraHere]

Teacup,

 

I don't mean for this to come out as a judgement on you but reading all your past posts they all have the same theme "men" When you post do you read the advice you are seeking? Or is it that you just want people to respond to you? I am not really sure what the memories are that are shaming to you? Perhaps I missed the post that explained that? Sometimes your posts go from one extreme to another about the same subject.

I am not sure about the therapist question? If you feel better each time you see them and you have a connection then its worth it. If not then find a new therapist. What is EMDR? I have never heard of that.

My suggestion and advice to you......work on yourself, leave guys alone, don't get involved. You need to be on your own if you feel you are not a whole person you need to start rebuilding yourself so that your next relationship can be on an eqaul and healthy level. Take it from someone who has been in an abusive relationship and that broke me as a person. I will NEVER allow that to happen again NEVER!!!

[ShySoul]

Teacup,

 

I did a quick search on what EMDR is. Here are some links to look at, help you see what it is she wants you to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am hoping that this method helps you out. Every time I read your posts my heart aches for you. I can see the struggles you go through each day and hope that you can work through all this and come out better for all your struggles. You are a strong person. Believe in yourself and don't lose hope. I'm cheering for you.

[smallworld]

*Hugs Teacup. I'm really sorry to hear you're in so much pain. I've been there. If it helps for now shower, but the problem isn't in you Sweetie. It's in the few guys who've treated you disrespectfully. I know your heart is broken, but from all the way over here all I can see is a beautiful person with a really good heart. You want to be loved. You want to be treated right. The problem is not everyone is worthy of your time, your body, and your heart. The problem is you have to believe that you are worth loving just as you are and not let your pain and your fears cause you to pursue relationships with people who can't or won't give you the love and respect you deserve and need.

 

I'm really glad you're seeing a therapist. Give it some time and see if you feel better. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to PM me.

[Relationship Coach]

READ THIS IT WAS WRITTEN BY A FRIEND OF MINE WHO ACTUALLY IS USING THIS NOW IN HIS PRACTICE.

 

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It was discovered by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., in 1987. We're not sure why it works, but it does. Simply by providing side-to-side sensations to a person while discussing traumatic events in a specific therapeutic fashion can work wonders in allowing the person to heal himself or herself.

You don't even need eye movements. Dr. Shapiro now simply calls it Reprocessing Therapy. A way to let the mind's own natural healing processes get unblocked and go to work. Sounds too good to be true, but it does work.

And one thing to remember: EMDR is an approach to therapy, not just a technique or a gimmick. Proper training is absolutely required.

When a patient and a therapist do EMDR, the therapist asks the patient to bring to mind the incident the patient wants to work on, the negative thinking caused by the incident, and the new thoughts the patient wants to have. Then the therapist moves her or his fingers rapidly back and forth in front of the patient. The patient follows the fingers with his or her eyes. After a number of sets of movements, patients generally think and feel quite differently about the incident, similar incidents, and themselves. Healing has started.

As I noted above, you don't need eye movements. Taps to hands, right and left, sounds alternating ear-to-ear, and even alternating movements by the patient can work instead. The key seems to be the alternating stimulation of the two sides of the brain.

 

Now, I have a couple of theories as to how and why EMDR might work. Dr. Shapiro postulates networks of memories and cognition's; negative ones surrounding the unprocessed hurts and positive ones surrounding the state of acceptance and wisdom we would like to achieve. EMDR, she believes (and I agree with her) links the two, so that the insight we have in our heads can heal the hurt in our heart. So, how does this occur?

First of all, consider work done on the different ways that the two halves of our brains look at the world: the left side of the brain (controlling the right side of our bodies) is more positive in outlook, more analytical, looking ahead. Call it your pilot personality.

The right side of the brain tends to a more morose outlook, more holistic, scanning the world for threats. Call it your tail gunner. I suspect that the alternate-side stimulation occurring in EMDR might be simultaneously stimulating positive networks in the left brain while invoking negative networks in the right brain.

Those who know some EMDR might ask how that could be true, since vertical movements help patients in addition to the normal side-to-side movements. I suspect that no one starts with vertical movements; we all start with side-to-side movements. Perhaps that initial movement stays with the patient. In any case, vertical movements are not as effective as side-to-side movements in promoting healing. they are used more for relaxation.

Let us next consider the function of dreams: all but the most primitive mammals dream. The few that don't are small and have huge frontal lobes.

It looks like we need to dream to go over the events of our lives, extract guidance for the future, and throw away mere detail. This is why we can get away with frontal lobes that are not a foot accross.

Normal memory is literally re-membered: it is re-assembled from stored clues or instructions which rely on contextual cues to fill in details. A traumatic "memory", however, is stored very differently. Better to call it a "reverie", because all the sights and sounds and sensations of the original moment are stored as if freshly experienced (many of us suspect that is because they are constantly re-experienced).

When we dream, we have the opportunity to put the reverie into perspective, let it go, and store only the instructions for normal memory. On the other hand, when a reverie is too intense, the sleeper wakes, and the dream remains unfinished. No perspective. No putting-away. No memory, just continuing reveries.

While we dream, our eyes move (in what are called Rapid Eye Movements, or REMs). I suspect this may be due to alternating influences from the right and left halves of the brain. Even if that is not what happens, the eyes still move.

EMDR may come close enough to imitating those eye movements that the work of dreams can be done while the patient is awake. Since the patient is already awake, the dream does not have to end. It can continue while the patient holds onto the her-and-now, and the work of the dream may be finished. Memory is left where once there was only reverie.

Now the sleeper may sleep, and not be frightened from sleep by horrid nightmares. Healing has happened.

 

Give it a try, you have nothing to lose.

 

RC

[ShySoul]

Relationship Coach - I posted that article above. Third link I put. Guess great minds think alike?

 

 

 

Teacup, I hope you are doing ok today. Stay strong and see if this method works. I'm pulling for you.