I have thought about IT today...

[frecklegirl]

I have never even remotly wanted to die, but today I seriously felt it would be better.

I got a DUI last night. This is my 2nd on in less than 6 months. I am scared to death and feel that I cannot beat this addition.

 

I am a Mother and hold a good job, I fear I will lose everything. Why didn't I change my behavior after the 1st DUI??? Why????/Why??

I feel like I must be crazy. People don't make the choices I do. I have wrecked my car and will have to hire an attorney and more money out the window.

 

I HATE ME so badly that if I had a gun last night I am not sure I would not have done it.....can anyone help me?

 

I am going to an Alcohol treatment place next week, and had the court not ordered it, would I have gone????? Probably NOT! I am insane to live this way.

[Jonah5678]

Geez, not to sound cliche, but you really should seek help. Whether it's from talking to a close friend, a professional (which I know wouldn't help your financial situation), or simply here on the enotalone forums, you really should seek help. I know things are bad, but like you said, you're a mother... a suicide would affect your child(ren) for the rest of his/her/their lives. Take things slowly, live one day at a time, and remember: there are always things worth living for. Again with the cliches, but it's true. Sometimes you just gotta look for them.

 

Again, please seek help from another person who knows you well ASAP... you won't regret it. And please keep the forum updated, we want to know that you're doing well...

[KissMe_KillMe]

 

I am a Mother and hold a good job, I fear I will lose everything.

 

 

those words should motivate you to not want to do things like that.

you WILL lose those things if you end your life!!

things always work out.. dont do anything you will regret!

your child/children need you and you are probably one of the biggest role models right now for them.. dont screw this up!

[ShySoul]

frecklegirl,

 

You are not insane or crazy or bad or anything of the kind for having this happen. You are a good person at heart. Yes, you have a problem with alcohol. But that doesn't make you a bad person. My dad has a problem with alcohol, yet deep down I know he is still a good person and is trying his best just as you are. Don't beat yourself up over this, that will only make yourself feel worse.

 

Instead of focusing on what you did, focus on how to change. You have children. That right there is your motivation. If you don't think you are strong enough on your own, do it for them. As mother, you children) need you. They look up to you. So work to become the mom they need. Don't focus on feeling sorry and angry with yourself. Focus on how to improve.

[frecklegirl]

Thak-you all. Shyguy, thanks for reminding me about not feeling sorry for myself, but to improve me.....it is hard. I am so scared I am going to go to jail,!!! I hired an attorney and hope that I will change for the better soon.

 

I called a councelor this morning and talked for about an hour. I have a problem I have never admitted. I am an alcoholic and incredibly ashamed of it. I feel I am weak, and that if people knew they would hate me. If I told the man (ex b/f) I am still in love with, he would yell at me that I am nothing but a F***in drunk! I feel I deserve this and that is why I have probably been on enotalone in the breaking up forum for so long talking about him!!!

 

I know my problem is bigger than him. I am an addict that feels worthless inside.

 

I talked to my kids this morning about me going to a rehab clinic even if it was for a while, they both said they would be proud of me......hhow do I deserve their love? I don't want to die, but it feels so hard to live inside me right now.

 

Words of advice I am all open too. I feel lower than I have ever felt and scared of what could happen. I need to attack this head on, but am afraid of failing!!!@

[ShySoul]

In calling a counselor up and talking for an hour, in talking with your kids, in posting here... you are a success. The ones who fail are the ones who never admit to their problem and never try to change. But in taking steps to improve yourself, that is being a success right there. It shows that you aren't weak, but are strong.

 

I haven't seen your posts in the breakup forum, but just from reading that one thing you said, I doubt he is worth the hurt you feel. Any guy who really cares about you would want to help you through a problem like this, not yell at you about it. If anything, he is probably one reason you do drink, and not seeing him or having contact would help you with the drinking problem.

 

It isn't about deserving love. The love between mother and child is unconditional. It's about appreciating the love you have and seeing that the love you because you are a good person. It's about using that love as motivation. When my brother was fighting a drug problem, one of the biggest tools he had was the thought of doing it for his family, for the people who loved him. He could have gotten depressed and thought he failed them. But he used it to give him strength. And eventually he kicked the drug habit. I believe in you and know you can do the same.

[frecklegirl]

Shyguy, you are absolutely not shy with words, you say it very motivatingly for me!

 

Thank-you for saying you know I can do it. I NEED to know that too. I am happy your brother kicked his drug problem and what you say about feeling less sorry for myself and embarrased of what others think, I am going to use your story about your brother to remind ME that I too have people that love me. Sadly, I have not loved me well in the past, but I do think I can change.

 

Actually, the posts I had were in Getting Back Together forum, I mistakenly said breaking up. Truly, the ex, makes me feel anxious and scared about acceptance. I think it allows me again to numb with booze and try to not feel why I want to be with someone that makes me feel like I am walking on eggshells.

 

My thinking now is to go to the assesment on Mon, talk to my work and take a leave, to deal with this head-on! I have anxiety totally about the jail possibility. All the fines I will have and the record. Will I still have a job? I hope so and think my HR people at work will try to help. I plan to next tell my employees that I am going to treatment to explain the leave. I think I respect them enough not to lie. It is so hard and I feel so alone....really alone.Scared ALONE! But, I HAVE to find the strentgh to find the way to a better life and out of this blackness.

 

Please know I am so grateful you have taken the time to write back. I need the words of advice and any thoughts you have help.

take care~

[frecklegirl]

If anyone out there can offer some hope, I need it today.

 

I don't think I am feeling sorry for myself, but I guess I am because I am feeling such fear this morning. After what I did and what the concequences may be. Scared for my job, my life, jail, my reputation, $$$, etc. etc. I feel like such a loser!

 

Today I am going for an assesment at a rehab clinic. I want to commit to change. I am afraid. I should be happy to finally want to take this step, but why did I have to screw up so bad to get here???

 

I am crying and crying and feel like maybe I don't have enough to keep going......how do I turn this around?

[ShySoul]

*hugs frecklegirl

 

Things are going to be ok. It's ok to be emotional, to cry. I see it as a sign of just how badly you do want to change. Take a look at your sig, I think that says a lot right there. "Feel it, believe it, it will be." If you feel you can change, believe you can change, then you will change.

 

We all make mistakes in our lives, have problems that cause us much trouble. Why you turned to drinking to cope, that's something the rehab center can help you figure out. They can work with you to answer your questions and get you through this. Why it takes so long to see and address the problem, that's something I don't know. I guess things have to play out until we are honestly ready to confront the issues that bother us. Don't worry that it took as long as it did, be greatful that it didn't take longer. Life has a way of working out. All the things that happen to us make us who we are. They all lead us to something good in the end. Perhaps these bad experiences and mistakes were necessary for you to experience something better, something positive in your life later on. Maybe it's to motivate you to do something yourself. I don't know what that thing is, but I'm sure you'll be happy when it happens.

 

You aren't a loser. Take it one day at a time. Go for the assessment and see what they say. Maybe get legal advice or talk to someone who can help you figure out what is likely to be the consequences for your actions. Things are probably not going to be as bad as you imagine, we tend to assume the worst. Maybe someone at the center can answer some questions?

 

Hang in there frecklegirl. You will make it through this.

[healinginnyc81]

frecklegirl, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. everything Shysoul said is so right. Believe you can do this. Focus on all the things you've accomplished and see all the strengths you have. Everyone makes mistakes and has weaknesses - you're strong enough to admit it and take the steps to overcome yours. You have what it takes to beat this. In all other areas of your life you have a lot going for you. Pay more attention to your successes rather than your failures and you will feel more confident in yourself.

 

To repeat what shysoul said "take it one day at a time." Find one thing to look forward to every day - for instance your kids - and think about that to motivate you. Best of luck and you know you can count on us to be here to support you. (I'm sorry I missed this post until now)

[frecklegirl]

Hi Guys,

Thanks sooooooo much for taking the time to write to me I do need you..

I went to have an assesment today....really hard, really good, but still hard to face things you would rather not, and have spent a long time in denial over!!!! I AM going to get through this and I want to come out better on the other side. I am going to enter an out patient program, long term...lot's of tough stuff ahead, but I do not want alcohol to control parts of my life anymore. I want to know how to live and face my demons without substance clouding me and eventually destroying me and the people I love.

 

I know there will be some bad times ahead. I still have court, trying to hide this from my job( I may actually tell them and ask for their support for a time) trying to juggle meetings, work, life etc. but I KNOW I must take control of my addiction and leave the negative things behind, including some people and some not so healthy realtionships too.

 

I am grateful shyguy and bkjsun, for you saying I can count on you all. I feel so good knowing that. Sometimes we really need others, even though I only know you here in this forum, I am glad you are there.

[frecklegirl]

hello all,

I am hoping everyone is finding more and more reasons to keep at this "life" deal and finding more to be grateful for....I know I am.

 

I wanted to give those that have read my posts awhile back, an update where things are now.

 

I have started an outpatient treatment program for alcoholism. I also have been attending AA meeetings. What I can say for sure, is things are wayyyy better than a mere 3 weeks ago. I am feeling positive, and healthier both mentally and physically. I am working out daily, not obsessing about the ex....this is huge! I believe clearing my head of all the toxins in alcohol plus starting to release all the depressing effects, have really made me realize I deserve so much more in life....and I am going after it!

 

If anyone is struggling with any substance abuse problem, please find someone to talk to and try to get yourself to a meeting or somewhere where people that understand can help. This was the most loving thing I have ever done for myself. I have a road ahead, but I can see the sun shining through and it just feels warmer and brighter every day.

 

take care...

[healinginnyc81]

wow, frecklegirl, I'm so happy to hear from you that you've made progress. You sound so much more optimistic about your options and your future. The difference between your first post in this thread and this update is like two completely opposite people. You sound much stronger too.

 

I'm so glad you're getting away from the alcohol. I wish you the best of luck!!!

[becallamjr]

Congratulations