Too much porn in healthy relationship?

[danylion]

maplesyrup, I think you have answered your own question. You know within yourself that the situation is not right but you looked to this site for strangers to validate it or at least give ideas on how to deal with it. However I believe that you wont deal with it because you dont think you're worth it and that it will anger him. All I can say is have a little faith in your self and all this stuff about lights, well i don't know about that but if he loves you then he'll understand.

 

You are worth so much and he is lucky to have your care just as you think you are to have his.

Try it you might like it.

[Scout]

Maplesyrup, can I just say that even though our advice was...well, pretty firm...it doesn't mean that we are angry with you, or think your questions are an obligation on our time. The purpose of eNotalone is to be a source for feedback when the people in your real lives aren't giving it to you...either because they are the ones you having problems with, or they're just sick of hearing about it.

 

That's never the case here at eNotalone, ok?

 

And no, there are rarely pat answers that quickly solve our problems. Some problems can't be solved the way we want them to, either. And, some problems are simply never solved one way or another (this is usually because we decide to just live with them).

 

What I'm sensing is that because you have an illness, you feel your fiance is doing you a huge favor by being with you. In turn, you're thanking him by staying with him even though he has a serious addiction.

 

There are definitely some major co-dependencies going on here. I'm not making any judgement about that, I'm just making the observation.

 

It might help for you to just talk a bit about what led up to you feeling such dependence on your fiance. No one is going to judge you, or run out of patience with you, ok?

 

If nothing else, maybe this forum can be a place where you at least sort out some thoughts in your head and get a different perspective about the worth you have as an individual. At some point, if you want to revisit the porn issue, we can discuss that, too, but right now I'm more interested in hearing about you.

[maplesyrup]

He's a computer programmer, he knows how to get around any blocks or passwords I set up, I can't disconnect it, both of us are doing school online.

[Scout]

Cool, you're in school! What kind of classes are you taking? Are you seeking a degree?

[maplesyrup]

: through the tears Yea, I know I am severely codependent. That is just how things turn out when youve given up on life and everyone around you and someone comes along and saves you from suicide, makes you feel lovely and comes back after you unconsiously push them away. Then stays around to help you sort through all the compulsions and fears and predetermined thoughts in my head caused by past events.

I think I liked it better when he hid it from me from shame.

[WildChild]

I think what it is really boiling down to is that you are afraid that he is going to leave you because of his patience with you in the past. I think you were right that you were hoping to come here and find a cure all to this and that isn't what happened. No matter how much he has been patient with you in the past should not make it o.k. to get away with anything. I am not saying that is what he is doing, but don't try to justify what he should be doing as a boyfriend by being patient etc... and what he is doing by hurting your feelings and ignoring your needs.

[maplesyrup]

general classes...no degree..just to appease my hovering family...

[danylion]

Im afraid talking is the only solution, either to him or for now, just for you.

 

What you are doing today is positive, you have decided you are not happy with this side of him and you are talking about it. As scout said that is what enot is all about.

 

No big solutions straight away but maybe ti will help to build up your faith in your self and make you more positive about dealing with things. whatever you decide to do, confront it or carry on. No one will judge you sweet heart, we don't have the right.

[novaseeker]

I would suggest discussing moderating his behavior ... less porn use, no locking of doors and the like, and emphasize that you're concerned about things becoming imbalanced in his life.

 

I don't really see the classical evidence of porn addiction in what you've decribed ... because the classical evidence of addiction (to porn or anything else) is preferring the addiction to real life, and I don't get the sense from the OP's posts that this person is preferring the porn to real sex, or to sex with the OP (unlike your case, WildChild, which seems like it was different).

 

So I'd encourage you to try to work this through with him and try to reach a point of moderation, if you are open to him viewing porn at all (unlike other posters here, who are very anti-porn, and obviously have different, but legitimate, expectations and needs).

[Scout]

through the tears Yea, I know I am severely codependent. That is just how things turn out when youve given up on life and everyone around you and someone comes along and saves you from suicide, makes you feel lovely and comes back after you unconsiously push them away. Then stays around to help you sort through all the compulsions and fears and predetermined thoughts in my head caused by past events.

I think I liked it better when he hid it from me from shame.

 

Yeah, it's got to be very disappointing for you that someone you revered so much is now showing a side that is rather disturbing.

 

Is this a recent development, or throughout your relationship - even when he was being supportive and helping you with issues - did he have a porn fixation?

 

I just ask this because I'm wondering if he hid it in the past, what makes him think its ok to be open about it now?

[maplesyrup]

It was evident in the past, it was always there, but used when I personally think it should be used..i.e. Im not there and its been a day or two, or while I am on my period. Something like that. I knew about it, but I didn't have to deal with it the way I do when I log on. With the dvds and mags at least he hasn't bookmarked specific scenes or pages the way that the computer logs things. Thats confusing to read, do you understand what I mean? This has only become a problem like this in the last month and half to two.

When I noticed it becoming increased dramatically I confronted him and we talked through it, I thought we reached a good point about it, but seems not. He explained to me about the way he feels he needs it, and so forth, and I explained to him how it makes me feel obsolete. He agreed not to do it about of boredom, which I guess is what he was doing, and I agreed to accept it as long as I was involved in some way. That deal seemed to be nonexistant in about a week.

[novaseeker]

When I noticed it becoming increased dramatically I confronted him and we talked through it, I thought we reached a good point about it, but seems not. He explained to me about the way he feels he needs it, and so forth, and I explained to him how it makes me feel obsolete. He agreed not to do it about of boredom, which I guess is what he was doing, and I agreed to accept it as long as I was involved in some way. That deal seemed to be nonexistant in about a week.

 

Well, that's bad behavior on his part then. He should be able to stick to what he commits to do. I would suggest another discussion, and then if needed some counseling so that he can get a handle on things.

[WildChild]

Because it is sooooo addicting. He may honestly be trying to work with your arrangement, but again internet porn is one link after another and where anything goes. Movies and mags are one thing, but these are different things every site of everyday. Have you ever gone to a site and gone there the next day and there is a ton of new things there to look at? So it isn't like a movie where it is the same scene over and over, this is about going to see what is out there today, and tomorrow and each day there after.

[Scout]

Yes, part of the cycle of addictions is that the person who is addicted makes "deals" with their partners, friends, family, whatever so that they can placate everyone but still carry on with their addiction.

 

And, part of the co-dependent cycle of people involved with people who have addictions is that they go along with these deals at first, try to negotiate, etc., hoping their person will keep their word.

 

As you can see, it rarely pans out.

 

Bottom line again, I don't think you can cure his addiction for him. What's more, you've sort of given it the "ok" in some ways, so he isn't taking this as seriously as he should.

 

Do you feel if you put your foot down he would leave you?

 

If you do, that's got to be a scary feeling for you.

 

But let me ask you something...and this is just a hypothetical question...how would your life be affected if he wasn't in it? What would change for you? What do you depend on him for that you think you wouldn't have if he was gone?

 

These are just hypothetical questions to get a better understanding of your relationship.

[maplesyrup]

I were to put my foot down? Well, that's certainly not my place, but yes it would make things difficult if not short of him leaving. Also, it wouldn't solve anything, he would just go back to hiding it and lying.

 

Hypothetical as in he never existed? I wouldn't be here right now.

 

Hypothetical as in he leaves me when I confront him?

I don't really know. After a failed attempt to salvage it I supposed I would abandon our plans, pack up and get in my car and drive until I can't drive any further. Because he's the only reason I am still here, the only reason I have hope. That's really not something I want to think about when I am awake, my nights are already filled with horrid dreams of that exact thing happening.

[WildChild]

So your sex life has remained the same, no less correct?

[Derek]

I wrote about this before:

 

=========

Porn is like eating junk food, it's quick and easy to get, takes no effort, it's ready anytime, it's always hot, it never complains, you can always "have it your way", but it's empty and unhealthy and it makes a person lazy for the real thing and gives them unreal expectations.

 

It is so easy for a guy to get addicted to it. They can become mindless zombies searching for hours for the next image/video that they fancy. Porn is progressive and one has to get more and different stuff to keep up the same buzz (like drugs) and it's a slippery slope into harder core stuff and pretty deviant stuff. If you put junk food into your brain, your brain will suffer for it.

 

Porn is really about selfish pleasure. I think for a guy it has nothing to do with the woman he's with. He could be with a supermodel and superwoman and he still could get addicted to porn. He gets his ego stroked in a fantasy land of willing women that only exist for his pleasure.

It's even about power and control too. (I know I'm getting too deep now) It can feed alot of things in a man's psyche. And it's like junk food for his brain and libido. Men may not be happy with themselves and porn is a place of solace too, where they feel in control, their personal pleasure palace.

 

I think viewing porn most often is not about his partner at all. It's usually compartmentalized away in a dark place in himself.

 

Like other's have said though, a little bit isn't that big a concern, (hopefully it's not the tip of the iceburg), I think it becomes a problem when it's hidden, when they become addicted, when they lie about it, when it comes between the relationship, when too much time is devoted to thinking about the next fix. When too much money is spent on it.

 

Just like junk food can.

Just like gambling, drugs and even the internet itself.

==========

 

In some ways, it is a problem now and you can't sweep it under the rug because it is becoming a barrier between you and him. He's compartmentalizing himself off from you. He's locking the door to you. (And you want to marry this guy?) What else will he compartmentalize?

And the pattern you are reinforcing for him is that it's ok for him to do this, you will just "suffer" for him. It's one thing to "suffer" his snoring or other quirks, its another thing to "suffer" a serious addiction.

 

People with addictions lose their jobs, lose their families, lose their whole lives. As a person you love, wouldn't you want the best for him? Certainly you can't solve it for him, but you could help him get help. (counsellor)

 

So he helped you through your problems and now he's got a problem.

(6 hours at once, every day, every moment you are away, sounds like he's crossing the line into to an addiction.)

In some ways, he needs to let go and lean on you a bit perhaps to get some help.

 

If you both overcome this, you would be a stronger and more honest couple for it.

 

 

 

 

P.S. I find it hard to explain the addiction to a woman, but it could be like being addicted to Romance Novels or being addicted to Chat Rooms, online boards or Role Playing Games on the internet. A woman can get the attention, affection, conversation, romance that they are longing for but on their own terms. They don't have to deal with another real person with needs and expectations and different desires than their own. It's kinda like The Sims. Building a fantasy world to escape to.

[Scout]

I think you have put this man on an incredibly high pedestal, and I think he knows it - thereforeeee, he is running all over you right now. That is not the behavior of someone who truly has your best interests at heart.

I think you're being used.

[novaseeker]

T his man is insulting you by choosing porn women over actual relations with you.

 

Is that really the case? I thought the OP said they were having sex every day, and also more than once a day on the weekends?

[WildChild]

I still haven't heard from you if your sex life has decreased?

[maplesyrup]

Okay, so I put my foot down? What do I say, what do I allow and ban?

I fear banning the act completely would do more harm than good. I do understand the need and desire, I just wish he would look to me before settling for masturbation. Because thats how I view it, I grew up very understanding of mens outlooks, but I always thought that if a man could get real sex he would not need to masturbate, hence my concern in this whole thing. I know now it is viewed as a different category.

A couple times a day, maybe once coupled with love making, that I can understand. I know his sexual drive is higher than mine, I cannot physically handle the demands. But I just want to be involved, whether he watches it with me or I help out when I cannot make love. Thats all I wanted, and this is what is progressed to. Sorry to repeat myself, just thought it would help for those new viewers and also to clarify anything.

 

No it has not decreased, it is still once a day and more on weekends, two to three. It is still passionate, I have even allowed some quickies for himself, when there isn't alot of time. But also should be noted, that I no longer feel sexual driven by him when he has recently masturbated. I just don't feel needed. Also I will skip a day if he spent the whole day previous on the internet as mentioned before.

[Scout]

 

Is that really the case? I thought the OP said they were having sex every day, and also more than once a day on the weekends?

 

Good point. What I should have said is, even though he's having sex with her everyday, he's essentially telling her she's not enough for him since he's continuing to view porn every day.

 

I would say that's equally insulting.

[novaseeker]

That's what I was referring to, but I also would like to know whether the sex life has been tailing off in frequency or passion.

[WildChild]

But people masterbate, that is human nature. I think what it maybe boiling down to him is this: You won't let him even masterbate without you being involved, so he is locking you out of the room to prevent you from stopping him and using porn as his primer (but now it is becoming an addiction). So what is the difference if he is in the shower or in front of the computer...you still want him to come to you first?

[Scout]

Okay, so I put my foot down? What do I say, what do I allow and ban?

I fear banning the act completely would do more harm than good. I do understand the need and desire

 

You're saying you understand his need and desire. Can I ask you a question: do you think he's got an addiction? I mean, we're telling you he likely does, but what is your opinion? Do you think he's addicted, or just has a high sex drive?

 

The reason I ask is because if you are having sex every day, and more on the weekends, and he still is telling you his needs aren't being met...well, there are guys all around the world right now that if they're reading this, probably want to smack some sense into your fiance.

 

But I'm curious if you view his porn activities as an addiction.