I did it. And Now I wait.

[Itsok]

Of course it's hard to part ways with someone you love so much, especially since you both got along so well before.

 

Don't worry, the truth will show itself shortly and then you'll know what to do.

[merickso]

well that makes me feel a bit weak in the knees that maybe I was too forward, but there was a tad more to the email that I summed up for you guys that did touch on my feelings and her feelings, but we'll have to wait and see at this point. I just feel that either way I am not going to win, and i guess its making me a bit edgy. We'll be talking tonight and I will make sure to not get overboard with my frustration because I know that you're right scout, it is a big issue to her.

 

I just dont know what to say to her at this point.

[Itsok]

Just tell her the truth, stand up for yourself and be prepared

 

Remember you have done all you can to try to save this relationship and the ball is in her court now.

[bcuzitwasfun]

"The problem is the longer I'm with him, I'm starting to question some of my own beliefs, and I don't even want to go there. It's not his fault, but we're talking some real guilt issues."

 

Wow, that is heavy and deep.

[merickso]

So we met up last night for a couple of hours and had a good conversation. Again, we arent back together, but things seem to be on the right track after I explained to her about my feelings on her being too caught up on the semantics of religion.

 

She said that she wants to get back together and be with me, however (I know I know), she does want to be in a stage for a couple of weeks where we work more on our friendship, etc, but that does not exclude normal relationship aspects. She said that she wants to just be open and honest with eachother over the next couple of weeks, as she really wants to focus on whats right for her and for us.

 

When I told her that I didnt like leaving the "choice" to someone to decide whether or not to be with me, she said that she isnt taking this time to make the choice, she has made it and wants to move forward with us, but she wants to give herself some time to realize/accept/understand/value the fact that I am not exactly who she had anticipated being with, but, as she said, its not a negative thing towards me at all - she said "I am just in the process of changing my mindset about what/who I want beecause I want you and you are different from what I thought I wanted, which is a good thing".

 

I didnt know exactly what to say, but I told her specifically how I was feeling day in and day out, and that the hollow sense of having a brokenheart would continue until we are officially together, if that happens. I let her know how its impossible for me to move forward because I am left hanging for another while, and at some point I have to look out for myself and my own feelings.

 

We shared some daily stories and we each gave eachother an update on our jobs. I told her that I didnt want to spend the whole time talking about us because I didnt want either of us to get frustrated with it, so it was good. I think, for a few short moments, I was even my funny self.

 

Anyway, I dont know if what I did was 'right', and I am feeling more confident about me and her, but, to be honest with you guys, I have my deep down concerns that this is going to come around and bite me. I was completely honest and open, and I direct and to the point about how I felt waiting around, and she told me she loved me and just needed to get a few of her thoughts and mindset straight.

 

I will not be contacting her, and I told her that openly, because, as I said to her, if she wants time away from me then I am not going to fight it. She'll continue to call or email me every other day I am sure, and tomorrow she invited me to her baptism and then back to her house for lunch with her family. (I accepted the first part, but was indefinite on the lunch).

 

Your thoughts and concerns are more than welcome.... actually I am asking for them. I fear the worst and hope for the best.

[Scout]

Well, I think you clearly are important to this girl, but the religious issue is one she's giving careful thought to.

 

Merickso, here's something which i was hesitant to suggest before...but here goes...without going against your own beliefs, or try to change simply for her sake...have you considered going to church with her? I mean, give it a real shot to see what you think about all this Christianity stuff? Who knows, you might find it resonates with you, but if she goes to a hardcore Pentacostal church, you might also be put off. But there are other churches out there that subscribe to a less dramatic worship style, and I personally believe any quest for a more centered spiritual core can only lead you to positive things.

 

Let's put it this way: you obviously respect and care about this girl, so aren't you curious to at least learn about something a little more that is obviously such a big part of her life?

[Itsok]

M you already go to church with her don't you? it's just that you don't "love God" the way she does right?

[justlookin]

M you already go to church with her don't you? it's just that you don't "love God" the way she does right?

 

Sounds to me like religion has done it again!! (Seperation and Division).If she has recently been babtised,I will guarantee it that she is being counseled by others,especially in the direction to be like them (perfect).Only problem is no one is perfect,and she thinks they are and wants to be like them.She probably only see these people at church,They will not allow her to see Thier personal lives because if she does she will see thier imperfections and thereforeeee realize that she is just as good as them.Religion is one of the oldest con games in the world if used inappropriately.One of the first areas organized religions attack is convincing us there is something wrong with us and we have to be like them.Control is the main objective!usually applied by Guilt,Manipulation,and intimidation in a very settle way.(It is a form of brainwash)I was in a simular situation as you a few yrs ago,but I was the one listening to others about who was compatible with me according to them.I have since learned the hard way to make my own choices,and not believe just because they believe.My suggestion to you B!! if you really love her! go with her everytime she goes to church and see who,where and what is going on.Sounds to me like they have a plan for her and you are not part of it.

[merickso]

all valid points.

 

Scout - I do and have went to church with her from the start, but the problem was more that we didnt actually do anything about it, we just went to church (and I would miss every 3rd or 4th outing because of various things) and left. I do believe in God, and she knows that.

 

Itok - yes, you are correct. she thinks that I have faith, but do not live like a true christian. I am a very outgoing person, I drink casually, I swear occasionally, I dont go to bible study... and I have told her that I am happy with how I am. She feels like there should always been things you are trying to improve in your life, whereas I dont necessarly see that. to sum it up, she comes from a traditional family that has always went to church, prayed before eating, etc... and I come from a family where I dont hesitate to tell my mom about the party I was at last night, or tell a dirty joke at the dinner table. There is the difference.

 

Justlookin - I do know where you are coming from. My previous gf that I was with for 4 years was a JW.... now THAT was tough. and with my current girlfriend, her parents and church buddies do try to always point out what needs to be done better, or more like them, or that people have to give more money to the church, or devote more time to reading the bible.... and i see that and I do talk to her about getting "brainwashed" as I do believe that religion can become very close to a cult.

 

After all that said here is the core difference between me and the girl that I love:

 

I have a faith. She has a religion. She has guidlines about how she should lives each day of her life, whereas I simply accept who I am and try to be the best person I can, without becoming someone I am not.

 

I am scared that the more she is without me, the more the "cult-like" side of religion with take hold. As an example, the other night I asked her what she would have done differently in our relationship. Her response was not "not have sex", "not fool around", "not going out and drink with friends".... but it was "not sleep overnight at eachothers houses". She only cited the one visual thing that her parents can see.... that bothered me. I have never been a person to care about (to a reasonable degree) what people think.

 

So here I am, fresh from a two hour face to face chat with the girl I love last night, and I am alone on a saturday thinking about how she is not here. wow, one day leads in to the next and it's all starting to become a blur.

 

Its so nice to hear what objective people have to say about the situation after all of the things I hear from her family, her friends, my family, my friends.

 

M

[Itsok]

Then there is nothing you can do but what you are doing now. She is letting this relationship get further and further apart.

 

There is nothing wrong with you or how you love God. It's that SHE thinks there is, and that isn't fair and to be blunt it's not very Christian of her to judge you in that way. "Judge not, lest yee be judged."...

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi merickso,

 

I agree with Itsok and Scout. I do want to offer my opinion:

 

We all have the ability to be influenced by our beliefs and somewhere there is an anchor in our heart or soul that makes us different from anyone else in this world. No one can change that in our lives unless there is a complete brain washing. It does happen.

 

Not saying that this is your case, but it seem that she has made up her mind and is depending on you to change to suit her needs(?) Now, sometimes this kind of thing can be a good thing, sometimes it isn't a good thing. Your individuality is taken from you and you can end up always being resentful, know it or not. Thats what concerns me about "... becoming someone I am not." in your last post.

 

It seems to me that you are willing to accept her and her beliefs and move forward and do what it takes to be happy for ever. You are a good person for feeling this way. Hard to find now a days.

 

I think though you should take the time and study what you want and need and what she wants and needs. Take a breath and examine the situation.

 

I wish you the best of luck

 

bcuzitwasfun

[merickso]

UPDATE:

 

We are basically back together. (although not sharing it with the world as of yet). we talked for over two hours about all of the things that we each needed and wanted out of a relationship, and we each came to respect each others thoughts and feelings. She has realized that people can have the same faith, but have different ways of interpreting it and different ways/depths of how they involve faith in their lives. I did agree with her that we need to be on the same page for many 'faith' aspects of our relationship, and I'll be making some steps to improve the amount of time I spent talking with her about god/faith/life.

 

we are going to take it a bit slow... not see each other every day of the week, but we both agreed that it wouldnt be long (a couple weeks probably) until we are right back into a full relationship. Of course, I explained to her that I am still on edge since I have been practicing NC for the past two weeks (she has been contacting me), and that its going to take me some time to not feel like I am doing to wrong thing by calling her.

 

we spent time telling eachother various things in our past relationship (not just religious stuff) that we wanted to improve on, like putting the other person first more (not that we didnt do that lots), trying to be more active, spending more time going to events (comedians, plays, oprahs), etc. I feel very positive about where we are at.

 

I was honest. I told her exactly how I felt, and how I have been feeling after she just left me without talking about anything with me, and I told her that I still disagreed with it and her reasons for it. She apologized, but she did say that she feels our relationship will be a lot better for it. I explained to her that I was willing to work at our relationship, but I made a point of saying that I do want to stay true to myself.

 

I love her. I miss her. I understand that we have some differences, but it looks like we are going to do our best to work at them. I am still quite confused and I still don't know exactly where I stand, but I have another shot and I plan on doing my best to make it work, without loosing who I am as a person.

 

I will be moving over to the "getting back together" forum and I completely plan on staying here and posting for as long as this forum exists. I am scared, nervous, and anxious to see how this next step in my relationship is going to go, and I know all of you will be there for me. Thanks to everyone who has helped me along the way, and please post any comments, suggestions, etc as I take your posts the same as advice coming from true friends.

 

M

[Nathalie1970]

Good Luck with everything. I am so happy for you and hope that it all works out.

 

Nathalie

[Itsok]

I'm happy for you M. Good for you for sticking to your guns!

 

Remember now that if this issue continues to surface, that the relationship just isn't meant to be.

 

My fingers are crossed for you friend

[justlookin]

I am happy for you M,I did not mean to come off negatively on religion,but have seen what it has done when used in the wrong way.Good luck on your new Journey!

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi merickso,

 

I'm happy that it has worked out so far the way you wanted!

 

I'm also glad that you had the courage to tell her honestly how you felt about things and that you are more than willing to work at this relationship, but you will always be you.

 

Way to go!!!!!

 

Best of luck to you guys!!!

 

bcuzitwasfun

[Scout]

I told her exactly how I felt, and how I have been feeling after she just left me without talking about anything with me, and I told her that I still disagreed with it and her reasons for it. She apologized, but she did say that she feels our relationship will be a lot better for it. I explained to her that I was willing to work at our relationship, but I made a point of saying that I do want to stay true to myself.

 

I love her. I miss her. I understand that we have some differences, but it looks like we are going to do our best to work at them.

 

This is good, you both know now a relationship does take work, and it does take a commitment to do that work, even when it's not pleasant and you don't immediately agree or even agree to disagree. She absolutely has to be committed to that this time, no walking out without talking it over, or trying to work through the problem at least first. Please make sure she is crystal clear on that! You deserve that. Everyone deserves that in a relationship. It's basic relationship skills 101!