I need some marital advice... Please.

[ronnyc]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum and I don't normally do this kind of thing but I really need some advise. I apologize in advance that this is so long but I feel I need to give a little history.

 

I'm a 43 year old male and have been married for 20 years. I love my wife more than ANYTHING! We have 3 children, 19 (almost 20), 18 (two Boys) and a 15 year old daughter (all living with us). My wife and I met at college, actually at registration day. I am 5 years older than she, 1 month after we met we were married. Yes we had 3 rough years but it got great. We are both against divorce as an option so we've always worked out our differences. we live in a very upscale area. My wife is a 7th grade teacher and I work in the media. I love to coach soccer and coach my daughters traveling team. I also just last summer purchased a motorcycle which I use to commute with and love to ride and just everything about it. I don't drink (except once in a while) I don't smoke, I am not an abbusive guy, I'm not a yeller or screamer and come home and kick the dog kind of guy.

 

My wife doesn't really have any hobbies or really anything that she enjoys to do outside of teaching (which I'm not sure she loves that to much). In fact we don't really have a bunch of friends outside of her family, she has two sisters and a brother, and parents who all live in the same city. She is very close to them, my family lives far away. Our kids are getting older and have a lot of outside the family friends and enjoy spending time with them and really not us. (you know kids are) So my wife is unhappy about that all of the time and gets really mad if they don't want to spend time with us, eating watching a movie etc... I feel that they are just growing up and growing apart from us.

 

We do have some friends, but they are the families on my soccer team which are great people. So in order to try and get closer to our friends, I have set up a monthly poker night for the guys and the wives all get together and have fun, wine, movies etc..

 

So here's my problem or heck I don't know if this is my problem or hers or what??? But I feel that since she doesn't have any outside hobbies and because the kids are growing up, and I have a couple of outside hobbies and yes sometimes I get really too wrapped up in them! She has become very mad that I'm not spending enough time with her, or just talking. I LOVE taking her on rides on my bike. She doesn't want to talk about soccer because that's my deal and she feels that I spend way too much time with that, and yes I have in years past and have cut way back. In a couple of months there is this long motorcycle ride (2,500 miles, 5 days) that I wanted us to go on, she decided no she didn't want to go but said you go that would be fun and invite one of our friends who rides. Well he said yes and so we've been planning it.

 

This spring my wife and I were planning on going on a 3 day ride to Napa, when she was on break. Well the ride that I'm going on with my friend is during her vacation so that's not good. I don't go on vacations by myself nor does she. But I took 4 days off to go on this ride. I was still planning on our ride together.

 

Over this past weekend my wife got really mad and laid out how she was feeling and was mad about the ride, was mad that I talk to my friends more than her (which I don't feel is true at all) and that I'm spending money and time off to go on this ride etc...

 

I just don't know what to do? I'm really lost! I want to be able to do stuff that I like to do, is that wrong? I'm NOT what I call a typical guy who say's it's my way and that's it! I feel GUILTY everytime I go on a ride with my friends, or go to soccer practice or anything without her!

 

I guess we don't have similar likes, so I A SO confused!

 

Please help give me some advise, please!

[becallamjr]

First off, you don't marital advice. You are going through what every single long-term relationships goes through. LTR's 2 - infinate years. Okay, you planned a 5 day ride? why shouldn't you go? she encouraged you to make this trip. Your wife is at a point in her life, where her babies are growing up and they aren't spending as much time with her as she would like. You have your hobbies and friends that you talk and hang out with, what does she have? nothing. She feels angry and upset because she feels left out. Talk to her. Here is the fun part, you may try to include her in your activities, but she may not wanna be included in them. Solution, pick something that she would enjoy almost entirely more than you would, I'm not saying something you hate to do, but something you know she would enjoy more than you. I think that she just wants to feel needed. Also, you need to encourage her to pick up some hobbies that are gonna take up some of her free time. This will also help you out. You guys need your time apart as well as your time together. I say talk to her, remind her that she encouraged the trip and it wouldn't be fair to you if you had to cancel, it will work out.

[RayKay]

It sounds like the relationship is going through a period of change again like it did in the earlier days I imagine.

 

I have a feeling that your wife does not have a very good sense of "self" beyond being a mother and a wife, and is reacting to the fact her children are growing up and becoming individuals, and that you and her will need to have more between you then the children to keep you strong and together.

 

Her reactions to me appear to come from someone whom has some insecurities and a sense of not feeling "needed" anymore. Most of her life has been around raising children and being your wife...she seems to be missing some of her knowledge of herself/identity, which has her reacting this way.

 

I do think the trip you are going on is a good idea, I really believe couples should have their own interests, and not give them all up entirely to be with one another. When you are a couple, you should not stop being YOU at the same time. Also, she had urged you to go.

 

I do think though the same goes for her...she needs to develop some interests...but I think you two TOGETHER need to also find some passions. The couple that plays together, stays together. Maybe it could be dance lessons, or wine tastings, or hiking....but I really suggest you find some ways to have couple time along with new interests together.

[Ash]

Your wife wants you to be happy, but she wants to be happy too. Unfortunately, the 5 day ride she declined to go on and said you should go and enjoy yourself on straddles that issue in a few ways.

 

You pointed this out it happens to fall at a time that she's on vacation. That's a big problem. She likely feels that when you both have days off together, it should be time spent together. She has a point, and it makes it very difficult for you to go off on your own for days at a time. If she's off, she wants to spend time with you. If she's not off, she may be unhappy that she has to work while you have fun.

 

She wants you to be happy, but wants that at the same time she is happy and doing things she likes. This perhaps doesn't fit the situation with your ride. If it were a day ride, and she was doing something else that day she wanted to do and enjoys doing, that would be much better.

 

It's common for us to want our significant other to do something they enjoy, and then feel a little jealous or left out when they do so. It's a tough balancing act. We all need to do things we enjoy, we need to let the others in our lives have their fun, and we need times to enjoy things together.

 

Your family is growing up and even though they may still be around the house, they almost undoubtedly have their own lives. (You said this in your post) Your wife may see this as more of a loss of control, influence or their need of her than you do. This will have an impact. She wants to do something, feel important, feel needed and that's slipping away over time.

 

All this results in frustration from the sounds of it. She's perhaps frustrated because things aren't how they were, everybody is doing their own thing, and she's wanting to hold onto it all.

 

Thanks heavens she told you how she feels and didn't keep it inside and let it fester any more. Sometimes that an be really difficult to do. I'm not sure if you talk about this type of thing on a regular basis, perhaps not. And if not, hats off to her for getting it out there. That's helpful as it means she willing to talk. So ... talk to her about it. Let her know that even if you can't always do everything the way she would like it done that you are listening, and do understand. Let her know she's important to how you approach the things in your life. I think you're most of the way there.

 

Also keep in mind there may be some hormonal shifts as there are in many of us from time to time as we age. What was not important when we are younger can become more important later on, and vice versa. Keep that in mind when you talk to her. Menopause is not yet on the horizon (likely) but there are changes regardless. She may have a feeling of restlessness and not know what to do about it. This can cause frustration too. Wanting to do something, but not knowing what it is.

 

In short, I suspect there is not a simple solution. The more you can talk to her the better. Others have made suggestions as to what you might want to try doing. But above all else, keep those lines of communications open.

 

Good luck

[NJRon]

Hey ronnyc... I'm NJRon.. hehe

 

RayKay really hits it. I think that you two going on rides is not really a mutually shared activity. It is *your* activity that she will go along with to spend time with you. I think you should figure out something that is mutual.

 

However, if you just listen to what she is saying, she seems to feel that you are paying more attention to your friends than her and that you aren't talking to her enough. The kids are almost totally out of the house. What is she going to have left? She's concerned that she is going to have an empty nest with a husband that is too busy doing other things... she is afraid of being lonely.

 

I would suggest really taking some time, before all of your kids are out of the house, and start dating a little. I mean seriously set aside whole evenings to just spend time with each other and talk. Encourage her to explore some of the things that she may want to do... at the very least, get her to start thinking about what those things could potentially need.

 

Just some thoughts

[meli]

You should go on the ride if you really want to...its as simple as that sometimes you have to be independent and sometimes you have time alone

[Lunabelle]

Your wife is not "afraid of being lonely", she is lonely. Her role in the family is changing as the children age, this is normal. It may take her a few years to find her new place in life. You don't adjust to parenthood overnight, it takes a while. Being around children ALL day is an incredibly demanding job. Perhaps she's also questioning her career? Maybe that's ready for an overhaul. I agree that you two need to spend time together. Consider making some future plans, like a special vacation or doing a project that is meaningful to her, it will go a long way to making her feel that you really are there for her. I'm almost sorry someone brought up the menopause idea, yes her hormones have changed and will change, but I'll bet there's a whole lot more going on than that. Don't give up on her. She needs you and you need her. Maybe she needs to see the beauty of what's coming next in life. She'll have lots more time than she's ever had before -- increasing as the years go by, how will she spend that time? She wants to know that as she ages you still find her attractive and you still want her and care for her. You will probably have to go out of your way to prove this point to her, she's probably feeling lonely and left out and vulnerable and confused too.

[Darketernal]

What you two need is something 'new' into your lives. Ehm let me explain it like this by using a parabel.

 

When you have two radio's that play on a different frequency, the sound will be a mess.

 

When they are both on the same frequency , harmony will follow, which is exactly what i want for your marriage, well then let's talk about soccer, oh look that's the 'disturbing frequency' i was talking about, as your wife + soccer just like the different tuned radio's don't 'mingle'. Meaning

 

You have to find a new or simular interest that your wife 'shares' with you. I had a simular thing with my dad, we never talked or hence had eye contact with eachother, but when win 95 came out it appeared that we had a simular interest in 'computers' and we all of a sudden had a father son contact i couldn't even hoped to dream off.

 

It has to be something that 'both' of you enjoy, maby motor cycle riding (although its dangerous , it can be adventerous) and maby what your marriage needs, so your wife can replace her crayon with hitting the dirt on the road. Don't just leave it at there, remember a marriage is a continues investment, your wife has made it clear that it 'bothers her to great lenght' that you two are growing apart from eachother. And if you really love her you'll find something that makes you share a simular dream of happyness again.

[NJRon]

If their frequencies are juxtaposed they cancel each other out.