I feel worthless and un-fulfilled in our realtionship

[Jersey_girl]

For some of my friends it would be a dream to be with a man who would take care of them financially and never have to work again, and live a nice life, but for me it has not been such a dream.

 

I am 27 years old, married with an 11 year old daughter (from a previous relationship). I met my husband 8 years ago at work and we started living together 6 years ago, and finally got married a few months ago.

 

I love my husband very much. From the beginning I really liked him because he was just so different from all the previous guys I had met, he was kind of refreshing. We are the same age, and at the time when we met (about 20 years old) all the guys I knew of course just wanted to party, hang out and into tricking out their cars. So when I met my husband, it was great because he was very mature, smart, we could talk for hours about things we were interested in. And I guess since i had a daughter so young and everything, I had grown up too fast. He was very geeky and at the time I was all for it. And to top it off he impressed the heck out of me. He was young with an awesome job making really good money, living in a nice place with a really nice car.

 

But, with all the good, there was not such a good side. From the beginning that we met he had made a whole lot more money than I did. He begged me to move in with him, I wanted to but I was concerned for my daughter. I was very worried of introducing a man to my daughter who was not her father. And I will admit that at the thought of moving in with him was very enticing to me because I knew that I would have a nice life and not work if I didn't want to. He didn't want me to work anyway because my salary next to his was a joke and it didn't make sense. But as years have progressed I have become increasingly unhappy.

 

I feel completely unfulfilled in my life and very bored. He is extremely boring and very un-romantic. He never wants to do anything, besides go to work, come home to sit in front of his computer and watch movies all weekend long. We have been doing this for all the time we've lived together. We live in a nice house in a really nice neighborhood in the suburbs. I made the decision recently to go to work and do things for myself. But I feel that it doesn't matter because with this job the money doesn't do anything for our household as compared to his, I feel worthless. And the worst part is that every time we argue, he throws it in my face that "I am who I am because of him, my daughter and I have what we have because of him, and if it wasn't because of him I would be living in * * * *." He makes me feel like crap when he says these things. I feel totally worthless, he doesn't take into account that even if I am not bringing in so much money, but as a Realtor with the understanding of real estate, I have found us really good investment deals which we have acquired, and I continue to find us opportunities, which he loves. But of course I don't get any credit for that because he says that he put in the money for the properties.

 

I tell him how I feel and he says that he didn't mean to say those things, I misunderstood him and that he is sorry if I got hurt, but as soon as we fight he does it all over again. At this point in my life all those nice materialistic things don't mean much. I'd rather move away near my family into a small apartment with my daughter and work for my self and my daughter and not be accountable to him and feel some sense of satisfaction. I do love him, but I hate this side of our relationship. He already made it clear to me that he is who he is and that he is not changing.

 

I am confused; I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think that I complain too much, and that if I do leave him that I will be really sorry because I am making a mistake. Other times I feel like if I need to go on my own and achieve things for my self and my daughter, with him my life is going no where. I'm afraid that in a few years we will eventually break up and that I will regret that I didn't leave sooner to get a start earlier on my own life. I want to travel, take my daughter traveling to different places, be near my family and do things on my own that I want to do and have them mean something.

 

My friends tell me that I need to get over it. They say that they wish they had my life, and that I'm lucky and if I leave him it will be a big mistake. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of growing old and looking back with regrets that I didn't take full advantage of my own life.

 

Thank you for listening, and your advice is greatly appreciated.

[ElektraHere]

One question for you why did you marry him if you felt this way?

[RayKay]

One question for you why did you marry him if you felt this way?

That is basically my question too.

 

Well, to what your friends say, I would say they are not in your shoes, and you are living your life for you and your daughter, not for them.

 

Money is not everything, and you are not so limited in doing things for yourself. You can get a better job, go back to school, and make a better life for yourself if you want it - many people do, even with several children and while on their own.

 

But I also wonder why you married him knowing this, and if there is something worth working for here, if maybe your feelings of resentment are really fairly attributed to your marriage...I am not sure as these are things that sometimes come out over time.

 

I think you have to weigh some issues here. Do you love him? Are you willing to take the risk? Are you unhappy because of him, or because of where you are in life?

 

I am concerned he throws it back in your face, though I am not sure if this may be as he FEELS your resentment and unhappiness too, and feels taken for granted.

 

I suggest you consider marital counselling, for yourself and for you as a couple - I think you do owe it to give it some effort since you did make the choice to get married, but at the very least it can help you through the process of parting ways as well.

[CluelessGuy321]

You guys need marriage counciling.

[Jersey_girl]

That is basically my question too.

 

Honestly, I am very embarrassed to answer this question. The truth is that at the end of the 2005 his accountant said that for tax purposes it would be very beneficial if we were married and we needed to do it quick before the 2005 year was over, and that if we didn't he would be owing money to the IRS and something to do with tax write-off's or something. So I felt like if I had to do it because I owed it to him after all he has done for me and my daughter and I kept trying to justify it to myself that we could work through our problems and that everything would be ok.

 

 

I think you have to weigh some issues here. Do you love him? Are you willing to take the risk? Are you unhappy because of him, or because of where you are in life?

 

I do love him and wish things were different. I am unhappy because of where I am in my life but most importantly because I wish that our relationship felt more like a union, a team.

[ElektraHere]

Well it is sad that you didn't get married because you both wanted to but rather had to. Feeling like you owe someone and so you marry them in order for them not to face an IRS penalty is a bit much.

 

I am learning that you cannot change a person. If he was like this prior he will be like this in the future. If you think that counseling will help then that is something you should start right away. If not for the marriage at least for you. Do you really want your daughter to grow up thinking this way of life is "normal?" That money buys happiness even if that happiness is just for show? You should encourage your daughter to think that she doesn't need a man to equate happiness. Young girls have so much to work against these days that if they can see positive actions at home at least its a start.

[Scout]

I do love him and wish things were different. I am unhappy because of where I am in my life but most importantly because I wish that our relationship felt more like a union, a team.

 

Well, there's hope here, then. You do love him. But yes, you do need to feel more recognized for what you are contributing to the marriage and your family.

 

Not only have you found investments, but I bet you've kept a smoothly running household for him to come home to, as well. I bet you work tirelessly as a mother to boot!

 

It sounds to me like the two of you have gotten in a bit of a rut. He withdraws a bit when he comes home, and that's not helping things. On the other hand, he may need a little time to decompress when he gets home.

 

Maybe you and your husband just need to re-establish a few bonds of intimacy, so that you can feel comfortable talking about some of your dreams and desires in a way that is collaborative, not conflicting.

 

It's amazing how life's little hassles and daily errands, plus the lure of the television set or computer can slowly distance ourselves from our partners. Then, we suddenly feel alone and completely alienated from each other. It's then harder to work on problems together when they come up.

 

This may sound trite, but I try to make sure my boyfriend and I eat dinner together every night. Sometimes we have a little wine or beer with dinner, too. The point is I make sure we talk while we eat, just to get him a little unwinded from work (he has a very stressful, thankless job) and to let him feel that my home is his refuge. We usually sit at the table for at least 45 minutes, chatting the whole time. It does help to have that communication as a daily habit in our relationship.

 

Another thing I do is make sure we don't watch TV every night. Instead, we'll play a game like Trivial Pursuit, or we'll look over brochures for an upcoming vacation we have planned, or even just sit and talk some more.

 

The point is we're establishing positive habits of communication and focus on each other. This makes it easier for us to speak up when we have an issue troubling us. (Note: "easier" is not the same thing as "easy" lol.)

 

But, maybe you just need to do a few things to circle back to your husband, because it sounds like part of the problem is a growing distance in understanding where each other is at, and what you're both needing.

[Scout]

And Jersey Girl, I just thought of another idea. You know, what you do for a career does not fully define who you are as a person, nor does it necessarily represent what your "life's work" is. For example, my good friend is married to a man that makes very good money. They are both involved in animal rights, but he has to work so much, he can't get involved as much as she can. So, that is what she does during most of her days...tables, protests, mails out letters, cooks for vegetarian events...I mean, she has devoted her life to this cause the way some people devote their lives to a job.

 

So my thought was, do you and your husband have a cause you both believe in? Like better educations, or a political party, or a health issue...maybe you could agree that your "job" would be to get actively involved as a volunteer. The two of you as a team are supporting something, you're doing the legwork, he's working a day job to enable this to happen.

 

It's kind of a radical idea, but I really hesitate for folks to associate their worth and contribution in life directly in proportion to their career. Like I said, there's a difference between "life's work" and "career."

[Echo]

Jersey Girl, I agree with Scout. It sounds as if you are ina rut...maybe even a bit BORED??? Blahhhhhhhhh.... sounds as if you have already been married FIFTY years.

 

I am not an advocate of divorce...but the truth is..you need to decide if this is in fact the man you can see yourself in 20, 30 40 years?? Is it? Does the thought excite you or scare you to death?? Believe me, you needto pay attention these feelings.

 

Have you discussed your feelings with him at all?? Has he had the opportunity to adjust things? If you haven't he may assume you are content with the situation...please tak to him if you haven't. Give him a fair chance..otherwise you will be blindsiding him, and thats unfair.

 

One last thing. Financial security IS imporant..and I can totally understand your fear right now...but being a success in your OWN right has a lot of merit too. Who CARES if you don't rake in millions?? Money is NOT everything..in fact sometimes it only makes things WORSE. My advice? If you can find a job doing something you would normally do for free......then jump at it. You won't feel like you;re going to "work" and you'll get fulfillment. Right now...doing nothing is magnifying everything you feel....

 

If all else fails...IF you wish to save this marriage...I would suggest marriage counseling. Good luck!!!