advice needed about man 'taking space'

[patience]

I was dating this man, and we were getting along really well, then he freaked out about the emotional and physical intimacy. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, and that he needed space, which I've been giving him. (He had just ended a short-term relationship) We still talk and email, but we haven't actually seen each other in over three weeks. (He is staying with a relative, so we are long distance right now, but he does have a car) I don't know how much more I can take. I'm being patient, but c'mon, how much space can a guy need? I find myself needing face to face contact. I am worried about allowing my emotions and attachment grow with a man who may NEVER be truly emotionally and physically consistently available.

 

I know he isn't seeing anyone else. I know that he has been working on his issues, including quitting smoking. He tells me all the time that he loves me and wants to be with me, and that he needs this time to deal with his own sh*t.

 

We talked this week, and he wants to see me in about two weeks. I asked when exactly, and he won't commit to a time frame. I want to see him, but I cannot help but feel incredibly cautious. I think he may freak out again. I want to give him a chance, but naturally, I have doubts. I am having a hard time trusting his intentions with me.

 

I care about this man, otherwise would have dumped him. We are compatible in many ways, and I myself felt overwhelmed by the chemistry, but I didn't want or need space away from him. I wanted to explore this connection, go with the flow, keep it real. I'm not sure he can or will allow himself to 'just be' with this and be open to what we may have here.

 

I am venting, because I need to get this stuff off my chest. I would appreciate any advice/insight anyone has to offer. Thank you for reading this.

[DN]

Tell him that you want to be in a relationship with him and that means you get to see each other. If he wants a relationship as well then he needs to make a better effort.

 

If he cannot or will not, then I think you should let him go.

[Msnak]

Yes, be very careful, he sounds so confused that he's currently blind (or just selfish & inconsiderate) and cannot see what harm he is causing you. A relationship cannot be sustained when you don't see each other very often, and have no REAL reason or distance keeping you apart. He may be stalling, but you're right to be worried that you'll be investing too many emotions in a man who might not be worth them.

 

I've been there. And a man who really cares for you, won't let too much time pass without making a committed effort to see or spend time with you. That was my lesson learned. Good luck.

[patience]

Thanks DN and Msnak.

 

I feel baffled as to why he is willing to risk losing someone he loves by acting this way. I just don't get it. I'm trying to understand what he is going through, but it does seem selfish, inconsiderate, and even arrogant.

 

It is as though he is taking it for granted that I will continue to wait. I've set myself up in a way, because I have been waiting.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he still has feelings for his ex? Maybe there is something I don't know about all that?

[DN]

You can't have a relationship with someone who is not there - emotionally or physically by choice.

 

If he were able to explain what his problem is, and give convincing reassurances that he would be back with you in a reasonable amount of time, it might be ok to wait for him. But he has not done that. He is closed off from you and that is not the way to a relationship.

 

I think you should move on from him - he is too problematical.

[patience]

Thank you for your candour DN.

 

He is problematical...I agree with you there. He hasn't been able to explain or articulate what the problem is exactly. I try to gently ask, and I think I have fairly decent communication skills, but he just won't open up about it. He speaks of fears and so forth, but when I ask what it is he is afraid of, he says he doesn't know. I often feel confused by his answers.

 

I can understand a week or two to get his head clear, but it's been nearly a month. That seems like a long time to me. Sometimes I feel as though I am being toyed with for sport, he'll get this tone in his voice, as though he knows he is making me wait. It's bizarre. I picked up on this on the phone twice now, but because I couldn't see his eyes or his body language, I cannot know for sure if I'm perhaps reading too much into his tone of voice.

 

When he was living here, he was so into me, wanted to see me everyday, called me several times a day. I simply cannot wrap my head around why he could be away for this long. I cannot imagine choosing to be away for weeks on end from someone I wanted to be with...especially at the beginning of a relationship.

 

It doesn't feel like much of a relationship, and it is pretty much all on his terms, which I know isn't good for me. I want more balance, and I've expressed this to him, yet he just won't meet me half-way here. He said he would visit during his time away, but he hasn't even done that.

 

I would feel so much better if he would at least set a date as to when I would see him, but he won't even do that. I am starting to wonder if he really does care, or if he is so messed up right now that he can only focus on his needs.

 

I've never chosen to be away from someone I was dating for any length of time, so I'm just at a loss to comprehend his seemingly bizarre actions.

 

Wow. I really needed to vent tonight.

 

Thanks again for your words.

[DN]

I am worried about allowing my emotions and attachment grow with a man who may NEVER be truly emotionally and physically consistently available.

 

i think this is the key thing about your post and you are right to be concerned. And should he decide to resume the relationship, there is a strong possibilty he may do the same thing again, sooner or later.

[teacup]

dude. at least he is telling you straight out he is not ready. that means exactly what it sounds like - he's not ready.

 

better than the dude im seeing who says he wants a relationship and that it feels better emotionally.....and then he like never calls!

[patience]

I have to face up to the fact that no matter what the reason, he is just not really into this. Knowing the reason won't change the reality. He is not investing, and that's the simple truth here.

 

He wants to at least be friends, and I'm considering that. I am not ready to make any decisions, I am feeling too emotional right now.

 

I know what I want and need, and I know I'm not getting it with this guy right now.

[Lady Bugg]

Hi Patience. I agree with DN , that this guy sounds too problematical.

 

You are obviously not getting anywhere by asking him what his issue is.

I would suggest maybe telling him that you respect his decision to not get involved at this time, thank him for being honest, but that if a month has not been enough time for him then perhaps you should consider trying again at a later time, of course assuming if you are available. Be kind, but be firm. Don't

allow him to think you are sitting by the phone waiting for his call. That is pressure...so YOU be the one to alleviate the pressure, and give him his "space".....all the space in the world.

[JC3]

Hi Patience..I am experiencing the same thing with a guy who I met and really liked and believed that he likes me however he just can't fit me into his life as sad as it is. He mentioned doing the friend thing too but I want more than that and just not willing to settle any more for less than what I want. Being friends with them allows them to take the easy way out because then he will know what you are doing and if you are dating. If you break it off completely, then if he is really interested and curious enough, he will call you to find out. I think that you are probably a strong woman like I am and can handle anything but you deserve a man who will give you back what you are willing to invest. This man for whatever reason is not equal to you so no matter what you do, you will always have to do the chasing. Back off and let him lead..that is if he really wants you. If so, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. You deserve better! You deserve a man who will be attentive and who will be there for you when you need it.

 

You say that you are compatible in many ways but you don't have a relationship with him at this point. You are trying to fix a relationship when one doesn't exist because one person doesn't want to be involved. This makes you not compatible so it doesn't really matter how many other things that you two jive on.

 

I think that you need to be true to yourself...make yourself known to him what you want and what you expect and don't deviate from that. Don't take his crumbs!!! Maybe if he gets his act together then down the road you two can be a couple. I would start dating other people immediately and open yourself to up to men who can treat you the way that you want to be treated and who are open to where you are right now. You have hopes and dreams of who this man could be..but the reality is staring you in the face and you know what you need to do by being true to yourself and walking the walk.

[patience]

Thanks JC3!

 

I appreciate your words.