Is this ALL marriages, or is mine doomed?

[AwdreeHpburn]

I've been having problems lately with boredom and feeling like running away and just being mental...I fear the suffering my marriage is experiencing may be long lasting. I hope it won't, of course, but lately, I've been falling asleep on the sofa and my husband in bed. He comes straight home from work and goes right into the office (we run a business from home so he sort of HAS to) but he's there for the rest of the night.

 

I'm with the kids during the day and all night until bed time.

 

I rarely see him anymore. And when we do see each other, I am selfishly complaining about my depression or how horrible I have it! So after HIS long day and night, he gets to come play rescuer to me.

 

Its getting old for me. I'm burned out. He's gotta be too.

 

I know that this is the "thick" of it and things will change but its hard to see that far ahead. I'm afraid when we do get to the clearing, too much damage will be done.

 

We have a vacation planned for the fall of this year. That seems sooooo far away. I know it will help, but are we even going to make it til then!?

 

Thanks for any shared stories, insights or advice!

-T

[NJRon]

Just from my own experience if you aren't addressing your depression yourself, then you need to nip it in the bud now. Whether that is through counselling, medication or both, it is vitally important that you take care of your own mental health. If you don't, it can drag everything down with it.

 

I have had two relationships seriously damaged (if not actually ruined) with depression. One from the other, and one from mine. If you are afraid for the future, the only way to stop the fear is to address the present.

[novaseeker]

I think between now and then you should seriously seek an evaluation and, if indicated, treatment for possible depression. It can and will help you feel better.

 

Other things that may be worth considering are doing things to make space for you and your husband in the marriage apart from the kids and the business. In other words, setting aside time each week for dates without the kids, for sex, etc, and some time each and every day to connect, even if only for a few minutes, away from the demands of home, children and business. You'll find that if you do this, it may help you feel a bit better as well.

[AwdreeHpburn]

why did that advice make me cry?

[Dako]

Changing some things, even superficial ones, can break the monotony.

Even spending a few bucks at the right time can give you a lift.

For example, having a maid come in once in a while to really clean the place, or splurging on a fine meal out can help a little.

Can he shift his schedule at all? Any change can be enough to break out of a rut.

 

Depression is tugh thing to live with. Meds help a little, but a cognitive approach boosts your mood by discovering what triggers to avoid and which to seek.

 

I was a workaholic after about 10 years of marriage, and we each worked at home when we got home from work. We often fell asleep at our desks and were lacking sleep. Not a fun thing, but it was worth it to achieve some goals. We spoiled ourselves on payday and celebrated our progress.

 

I must admit, it was different without children. Meeting their needs must be an extra challenge.

[shyanne]

i'm sure there is lots of women that can relate to your situation. i've been a stay at home mom since early 2000 and i find it more stressful then boring. it's the hardest job i ever had. i get jealous at times that my husband and friends work and i'm here alone with kids all day but it does have it's benefits. you get to raise your children, make sure their safe and teach them all the right things. most babysitters or daycares don't have the time or care as much as you. i never felt like running away or being mental but i'm sure your not the only one. when you feel like that, look at your kids and remember how much they depend on you. you need to be the greatest role model in their life. kids pick up on things they see and hear so you want to make sure you teach them how to be happy. once my kids are in school full time i plan on returning to work but until then i try and enjoy each day i have at home cause i know it's just for a while... i think it would be good for you to find something you like to do alone and do it when the kids go to bed. maybe talk to your husband about watching the kids for a couple of hours so you can do something yourself, like visit a friend for coffee, join a gym. something that you like and will maybe make you feel better.

 

as for husbands..........i know how you feel. we may be married but we can be more lonely then a single person. my husband comes home and is normally with the kids until they go to bed but then he heads down to his, at home office and that's where he stays until bed. i don't give him a hard time, i know he has a busy job.. it's been like this for years so maybe i'm use to it. not sure how long you've been married but we've been together since 1987. i think after that long things can get like that. i do most things alone with my kids. when he is with the kids he's a great father and will be here for them always, but i do at times wish he would find more time to do family outings with us. he likes to stay home or do things that don't require much physical activity, where i'm an outdoors girl. i want to go tobogganing, skiing, camping and all the stuff that he's not interested in. he's been like that since day one but back then i could get him to go places and try new things, not anymore. i can't change how he is that way but he has his good points. he is gentle and an excellent role model. he doesn't smoke, get drunk or yell/fight with me. he does drink beer at home but never gets drunk. he's smart, he reads to the kids and has great morals. he was raised by good people and i know our kids are very lucky to have him as a dad. he just isn't the best husband. i still think i'm lucky cause a lot of women have it so much worse.

 

i hope you feel better soon. if all these feelings don't go away then please talk to your doctor about it. your kids need their mommy healthy and happy.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I love the advice you gave so please don't take offense to this, but that's not what I want from a marriage. My husband is a very affectionate person and an excellent father. We have only been married since '98 so under ten years yet. I don't want my marriage to slip into complacency and to shrug it off as, "oh well, some people have it worse." I don't mean that in any way snotty to you, I'mm just saying that is what I fear is happening and I want to avoid it.

 

I think I will talk to someone, and my husband, get some help and focus on turning this around. Thanks so much. That helped more than you know.

[NJRon]

I think I will talk to someone, and my husband, get some help and focus on turning this around. Thanks so much. That helped more than you know.

 

I think that's excellent! You are on the right track and it can only help.

[AwdreeHpburn]

NJRon - what IS the moose?

[NJRon]

Why... a moose of course. What an odd question.

[NJRon]

No, seriously, it's from one of the dumbest jokes I have ever heard...

 

Two hunters are out hunting Moose in the Alaskan Wilderness. They run out of beer and one of them decides to go back to the truck for another case, cuz, you know, it's important to be totally blasted while hunting.

 

On his way back from the truck, the hunter with the beer decides to make himself known, so he doesn't surprise his friend. He holds one of his arms up and yells, "I'm NOT the Moose".

 

To his astonishment, his friend turns to look at him and raises his rifle.

 

Frantically, the hunter throws the beer to the ground and starts running around, waving his arms and shouting "I'm NOT the Moose! I'm NOT the Moose!" However, his friend continues to keep him in his sights and shoots him.

 

When his friend gets up to where he is laying on the ground bleeding he asks, "Why did you shoot me? I was yelling I'm NOT the Moose!"

 

His friend gets a confused looked on his face and, slapping his forehead says, "Oh! I thought you were saying you WERE the moose."

[ShySoul]

NJRon,

 

That is the dumbest joke I have ever heard. Of course, I will now never be able to forget it. Thank you.

 

And thats a cool avatar. The Fonz.... aaaay.

 

 

Ta_ree_saw, I think is a good idea to talk to someone and work with your husband. I think you are feeling bored and need a change of pace. You love being a mom, but you feel like there is more that you want to be doing. And with him being so busy with work, you aren't feeling as loved or appreciated as you need to feel. I would try to work out some time for the two of you to keep away. Take a weekend trip, leaving the kids with a relative or friend. Find some time to take up a new activity, break up the monotany.

 

Best of luck.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ok - so I'm totally lmao

 

That joke just hit me as really funny. Maybe cuz I'm a visual thinker, or maybe I'm just dark....

 

Thanks for all the advice everybody.

 

Jokes help too.