Can time away re-create the spark

[drum4god]

My girlfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. We were only dating 3 months, but I fell for her hard. I am taking this pretty hard because being a devout Christian I am quite picky, and I am 36 and looking to get married.

 

I won't bore you with details, but she liked me alot the first month, but because I moved too fast, and was too mushy, telling her how beautiful she is, how great she is (UGH I am getting myself sick just thinking how I acted). Basically, she was hot and cold the rest of the way. She was always willing to kiss me pasionatley, but would never compliment me, talk about the future, and was very mysterious, and guarded about alot. She has been hurt in the past, so I guess she was just very guarded. Anyway, she went to Puerto Rico for New Years with a friend, and she didn't seem to miss me. I pretty much knew that it was over in my gut. I even suspected that maybe there was someone else, but she denied that (Yeah, like she would tell me anyway). I was bummed, but a few days later she calls me and was in a great mood, and was even saying things like I am looking forward to seeing you, and my Grandmother (She is sick and we were praying for her) can't wait to meet me. Now, I am thinking "Maybe things are so bad afterall". After I get of the phone with her I tell her I will call her in a few days. I call her, leave a message, and she doesn't call back. She didn't call me the next day either. I meet her in church, and she tells me "I saw you called, but I wanted to spend time with the Lord". I then said 'What is going on" Are you pushing me away. She then said, she doesnt' feel the same way I do. I asked her if she missed me in Puerto Rico, and she said a little. I said that says it all.

She also said she sees I want to get married (I am 36, she is 29), and she wants to go back to school for her masters. I said I am not an idiot, if you really loved me we could work it out. She didn't say anything. I did ask what happened. I said, you were really into me, you were attracted to me, and even did reseach on me (she asked the whole church about me), and found out I was a great guy. I make you laugh, I treat you great, her mother loves me. She then said. She did feel that way, but got scared when she realized what she was getting into. It was strange because she was crying more than I was. She also shared that seeing what she saw in her family as a child, she doesn't know if she could get married (I don't know, that could have just been a copout). Anyway, we ended it, she said she doesn't know what the future could hold, but don't hold out hope.

 

It hurt, but I am chosing to move on. Its just hard because I see her in church every Sunday. It also hurts because this girl liked me for 2 years (I was with someone else, and even my girlfriend at the time sensed she liked me) and was very attracted to me. I am mad because I moved to fast, I killed the spark. She got scared, the excitement was gone (though I always made her laugh), and the spark left.

 

I still don't know why she broke up. She gave me some reasons but I just think its because she lost the spark.

 

1. Can fear of commitment scare someone so much that they lose the spark?

2. If she lost the spark, can time away from me re-create it?

3. Should I call her? Some of my friends are saying "No way" She broke up with you, you move on. If its meant to be, she will call back.

4. Have anyone had an experience where you dumped someone, maybe because you didn't have a spark, or you lost the spark, only to have it come back when they left?

 

I would really appreciate anyone's experience or advice.

 

I did fall for this girl, and would like her back, but at the same time. I am moving on with my life, and even have a few dates lined up. Its just hard because I always think of her. The good thing is I see her in church, and I don't look sad, or hurt. In fact I look like everything is normal. I also feel I look great, because I have hit the gym hard, so my body is in great shape.

Instead of sitting home moping. I am using this breakup as motivation.

[DN]

Instead of sitting home moping. I am using this breakup as motivation

 

That is a good thing. I wouldn't spend a lot of time analysing why the break up happened - sometimes things just don't work out and it's no one's fault. Best thing is to move on as quick as you can and find someone who loves you back and wants what you want.

[yme]

Well you seem to be pretty much in control - on the surface. Are you, though? If you have made up your mind to use this experience as a learning curve and move on, why are you asking for other people's experiences?

 

I don't mean to decry your statement, honestly. I am trying to read between the lines. Basically, though, if you have found the right person, no amount of "coming on too strong" would make a difference. That other person is, more than likely, on the same wavelength. You are both on the roller coaster of love, and you are enjoying the ride. If there is any holding back, and she is blaming it on you being for being too pushy, she isn't riding in the same car. You are nothing more than a plaything and you will be dropped as soon as a more exciting toy appears.

 

As you have averred, it is time to move on. There is hardly any chance that you will ever be able to find that first spark and both of you will be on eggshells with each other knowing that you could grow apart again.

 

It might be an idea, as well, for you to pause in your dating. Give yourself time to get over your present feelings, otherwise your next date will be nothing more than a rebound, and you may well make the same mistakes again, and end up using the next person as a weapon of revenge to use against your last love.

 

From your post I know that you are strong; you have your faith and church as well. But you need to give deep consideration to what you really hope to achieve by rubber-balling from one relationship to another. Establish yourself before any more commitment and you will find what you seek.

[drum4god]

On the surface I am under control, but on the inside I am gaining strength every day. The heart is a little wounded, the ego is bruised, but my will and mind is determined to move on. Does that mean there isn't a hope she may come back. No, I won't lie, and that is partially the reason why I posted here, but I can't bank on that. It would be foolish to. I just wanted to get people's experiences on this, that is all. I am dating not to jump in a relationship, but because I want to move on. No, I won't jump into a relationship. I learned my lesson, that no matter how much the women seems to be into you, you really have to guard your heart and take it slow.

 

I do agree with what you said. If its the right one, it doesn't matter if you come on too strong, to passive, etc. It will work out.

[yme]

You are well in control, drum4god, and I was probably in error in assuming that you nurtured a secret longing.

 

As for personal experience, I will only speak with authority of my own. In a similar way to you, I have that extra fillip to my self healing. I was a psychotherapist and am studying psychology. I am not religious, so I cannot call upon faith to help me, but I applied my professional knowledge to my own situation.

 

After a period of mourning for my "lost love" I, too, knew it was time to move on. When I did, I found that, as much as I cared for my ex (22 years of marriage) in the past. I recognised that there was no future with her.

 

I am in an internet "relationship" now, and have met the person I exchange emails with. That is growing in fervour and I think less and less of the mother of my children after she chose to cast me out of her life.

 

As for trying again; she strayed (for want of a better term) about 11 years previously. Although we "tried again" and it lasted a good while, it never kept itself out of our "hostile" moments, it was always a significant weapon in both of our armouries, so it might be safe to say that it never really worked, it was for the sake of our children that we stayed together for so long. So, in my humble opinion, although it is possible to go through the motions (and, for some, it can work), I would have to say 'no'. You can remove the thorn from the lion's paw, but the scar will always remain.

[octopus]

My 2 cents are:

 

1. Can fear of commitment scare someone so much that they lose the spark?

 

Yes, I think so. Intentions on both sides need to be on similar levels.

 

2. If she lost the spark, can time away from me re-create it?

 

I hope so. For myself, before, I've been attracted to people i weren't before after some time passed and I found out they've grown - or I was with other people and realised what I wanted. But in my current case, with my ex who dumped me, I sure hope the same thing, but honestly I see it impossible.

 

3. Should I call her? Some of my friends are saying "No way" She broke up with you, you move on. If its meant to be, she will call back.

 

That's true. Unless contact is initiated by the dumper, i think it always sounds desperate. I try not to contact my ex unless necessary. And I still hope that one night he'll call me, like before. But i know he won't.

 

4. Have anyone had an experience where you dumped someone, maybe because you didn't have a spark, or you lost the spark, only to have it come back when they left?

No.

[drum4god]

Bump.

 

For some reason I am feeling real bad today. Its kind of sad, that I am feeling this way after a 3 month relationship with a woman that didn't have the same feelings. Maybe that is why it hurts so much. I read many of the posts here, and though many of you are feeling intense pain, it must have been nice to know your ex's were in love with you at one time. Believe me, don't discount that. Thats a beautiful thing, and will give you hope you can find that 2 way love again. I still have never had a 2 way street, and I am almost 37 years old. I have had women fall in love with me, but I didn't feel the same, and vice versea. Not looking for pity or sympathy, its just a fact that frustrates me.

 

I am still hopeful that I will find the right one, but to be honest its not easy. I am devout Christian and will only date a Christian, so my playing field is sort of limited. I am also extremely picky, and I really thought I found the love of my life. I guess that is why I am taking this so hard. The first 2 weeks were awsome. I really felt she was on board, and knew I was marriage minded, and she would even tell me she is excited about our future. She was attracted to me, and she thought I was the funniest guy alive. I treated her well, and it seemed like this way the blessing I was waiting for. Then she just changed. She would be hot and cold, and she would do it minutes apart. She would do something like lean her head against my shoulder, and then quickly stop. She would be warm with me in the Movie theatre, and then after the movie treat me like a total stranger. I felt like she played with my mind. She wouldn't return calls, and then call me back saying I looking forward to seeing you. I don't know. She was 29 years old, and knew what I was about. I guess I didn't expect the games. Maybe she didn't know. She was hurt before, and did have a lot of walls up, so who knows.

 

I know I have to move on, but I am having trouble today. Its strange, because I feel like a hypocrite. Just last week, I was here encouraging others to move on, and forget the ex. Now I am here hurting.

 

Again I am not looking for sympathy. Perhaps just a little encouragement

 

I also would like to know if anyone could answer the 4 questions I posed in the my original message in the thread.

 

Thanks again

 

Drum

[Derek]

1. Can fear of commitment scare someone so much that they lose the spark?

 

Yes, but so what, if she is scared of the commitment, then she wasn't for you. The timing was wrong, the people were wrong, who knows. You can't wait for the person to change. If change happens, great, but you can't assume they will, you have to accept they are who they are now and won't change.

 

2. If she lost the spark, can time away from me re-create it?

Yes but unlikely. Don't you deserve someone who is sure about you? Who likes you for you and doesn't have to play games or be unsure? You have to assume she won't and move on. The only real way for two people to re-create a spark later is if they come back together as "changed" or "matured" people. It's almost like two new people (in say a year or two's time) starting new. It's never the same "spark". That original thing is long gone.

 

3. Should I call her? Some of my friends are saying "No way" She broke up with you, you move on. If its meant to be, she will call back.

Listen to your friends. Don't call. Move on with other prospects. If she sees you are growing up, living your life's adventure and she's missing out, then she might be interested, but not from your side.

 

4. Have anyone had an experience where you dumped someone, maybe because you didn't have a spark, or you lost the spark, only to have it come back when they left?

 

Nope. But there are stories of people that have "let them go" and found they came back on their own or "didn't have their heart in the first place". Either way at least you know the true answer.

[kadvati79]

1. Can fear of commitment scare someone so much that they lose the spark?

 

Probably, I have heard of that happening before

 

2. If she lost the spark, can time away from me re-create it?

 

Also heard of that, but I don't think its the "time" more the "growth" in you both. It's a catch-22, if you don't let go, you can't grow... but if you let go, then you won't be able to start where you left off.

 

3. Should I call her? Some of my friends are saying "No way" She broke up with you, you move on. If its meant to be, she will call back.

 

Are your friends lonely and single? Are in they in loving relationships? I have had some terrible advice. There is something immoral about abandoning your own judgement in my opinion, I try to sit on a decision for a few days and if - in the face of all opinion and review - I still think its for the best. Then I do it and deal with the consequences and don't loose the lesson.

 

4. Have anyone had an experience where you dumped someone, maybe because you didn't have a spark, or you lost the spark, only to have it come back when they left?

 

Thats why me and my ex broke up. I don't think you can ever rekindle an old spark, because when u next meet, you are different people. HOWEVER. Have you ever met an old aquantence that you never used to get on with... and then suddenly find you do? People change but history remains (more or less the same). You past history can shape the future but that depends on your actions today. Become the strong, confident man she fell for - not for her but for yourself. It may be that at some stage in future your paths cross and in such a way you are both better prepared to deal with the relationship.

 

But, as I said above, I realised that to grow you have to let go. Letting go doesn't mean throwing away the past. That makes you bitter and cynical. Life is about choices and growth, she has made a choice. Who knows where she will be once she has grown. Who knows where you will be. But wherever that is, it will be precisely where you belong.