Why does sex too soon kill the relationship? Guys ur input wanted!!

[fishrrshortae]

Hey this question is for everyone, but I would definitely like to see what the men have to say about this.

 

Why is it, in your opinion, that when you sleep with someone very quickly, the relationship ends? Obviously most would say that it's because the other partner loses their "mystique". But I have noticed that after sex, girls tend to get more attached, whereas men withdraw. Why exactly is that? Think hard guys! I want some good answers

[Dako]

Maybe your question could be:

Why does sex not start a relationship?

 

People who form a solid relationship before hopping into bed might have more going on than nature's urge to mate.

 

I get the feeling young women think sex will cement the bonds, when for a guy it may be all he wants. If I were a girl (I'd be an uggly one) I'd hold out for a while.

[fishrrshortae]

But what exactly is the driving force that causes one to lose the feelings

[Dako]

Maybe it's just the thin line between love and lust. Once the lust is sated, there's not much real love there.

[AwdreeHpburn]

The feelings were not lost, they were obtained. That is why he's moved on.

 

Try starting a realtionship based on friendship or commonality and not sex.

[Dako]

You penguins know some guys just wanna mate but you have to sit on the egg. It's worth finding a guy who wants more before you give it up. The flighty guys will give up after a few dates if you hold out.

[Caldus]

Maybe it was because it was based on sex in the first place?

[shes2smart]

But what exactly is the driving force that causes one to lose the feelings

 

You're assuming there are feelings (other than "lust") there in the first place. I don't think that's a valid assumption if the sex occurs "too soon." If it's "too soon" that would imply you don't know the other person very well (if at all), so you can't really have feelings for them...you can have feelings about who you think/hope they are or feelings for the potential relationship. But not feelings for who they really are.....

 

I also think girls are more likely to link "sex" with "love" and make the false assumption that one doesn't happen without the other. Guys are more likely to see "sex" and "love" as two separate things....and while it's great if they occur together, sex without love can feel ok, too. Like a male friend of my husband's says, "Sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still good because it's pizza."

 

(disclaimer: Not saying ALL girls and ALL guys fall into those broad descriptions, there will be variation among individuals and gals who separate sex & love and guys who won't have one without the other...just that it's a common pattern. Not valid where prohibited by law. No purchase necessary. Not responsible for lost, late or misdirected entries. End of disclaimer.)

 

While it may be more frequent that early sex kills a budding relationship, it's not necessarily a death knell for a relationship. I know this gal who went out with this guy and they had sex on their first date. A week later, he asked her to marry him.

 

We've been happily married for a little over 3.5 years now.

[Echo]

She's Too Smart....you HUSSY!!!

[Dako]

I know this gal who went out with this guy and they had sex on their first date. A week later, he asked her to marry him.

 

LOL!

How many of us would recommend not doing that?

Sounds pretty nice though!

[RayKay]

I like Shes2Smart's analysis.

 

I really don't think sex alone causes someone to "lose feelings", because if they are not there in the first place, then sex cannot cause them to be lost. What it CAN do is weed out those whom are only in it for sex (so leave once they have it), those whom lose respect for women whom have sex too early (even if they did it themselves, and what is too early is something women cannot mind read), and cause some people to bond too early. It can also have both people ignoring red flags (sex is great, so let's ignore other issues), or cause one partner to think they are exclusive without that being the case.

 

I think before having sex, you should be doing it because you both WANT to, not because you hope it will turn into more, or if exclusivity is important to you, make sure you are exclusive before taking it to that step. Make sure you have a solid base for a relationship before having sex. Make sure there are feelings there outside of sex.

 

Having sex early is NOT an instant death depending on how partners handle it and what their expecations are. I had sex early with my boyfriend. I am not sure I have ever "fessed up" here honestly but S2S inspired me too...he and I met online, went on a date within a week, had a great date...and ended up sleeping together (many times!) that night. We went on more dates where we grew our relationship outside the bedroom as well. We moved in 3 months later, are planning a lifetime together and looking for a house at the moment (marriage is a while's away by choice as I need student loans since I am going back to school and cannot get them being married with his income). The rest of our relationship outside the sex (which is also fantastic) is amazing and strong, and we would not change a thing. It just worked out that way for us, even if we did not expect it to turn out as great as it did, we had a great time that first night and every day since.

 

It's individual choice.....it's also emotionally and physically risky, and not something I would of done before I met my boyfriend...with him it just felt right, and with me, it felt right for him. It was not a common thing for either of us AT all but something that night, something with us...it just all clicked right for us and it happened. And it could of been a disaster, or disappointing, but for us, it just was right, it worked out, and we are happy with our choices

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I was amazed by my recent experience, Im 17 and my boyfriend's 21. We got together on October 8th 2005, and I first slept over there in November. All he did was cuddle me, talk to me (in a genuine, get-to-know-you way), stroke my hair and kiss me..it was aweseom, like finally, Ive found a guy who wants ME, not potential for sex. Since then Ive slept over about...hmm... 20 or so times, and we still havnt gone the whole way. Its not a case of either of us being inexperienced, and we have done plenty of stuff (and amazingly good its been as well), but just built on it, and taken our time..its been 4 months now, and I think we are just about at the stage to take it the whole way about now.

 

It showed me that with patience, you can find a guy who wants more than just sex, and because we've built on emotional connections in the meantime, its all the more special.

 

Was that nauseating or what??

 

Anyway...in a way, if you have sex early on and it kills the relationship, at least it shows you in early stages what that guy was really like and what his motives were.

[fishrrshortae]

I am sorry if I confused the issue when I said "why does it cause one to lose feelings".. What I meant was that initially you may be very attracted to the person (before the sex).. I don't mean in love with them or anything like that, but you may be interested in seeing where things can go ... but after sex, that all goes away for one -- or sometimes both -- partners.

 

Great responses guys! keep em coming

[Cecelius]

For a man (at least this man) it is chemical -- once I've had my fill and there is no other common bonding element, I get kind of numb about the girl.

 

Also, at the risk of bringing in the double standard -- Sex may not mean that much to me as a man, but I want it to mean something to HER. I appreciate her selectiveness in who she sleeps with to tell me where I measure up. If it happens too fast, I assume she does not value sex that much and it's a turn off.

[shes2smart]

She's Too Smart....you HUSSY!!!

 

Oh, now c'mon...if I was a guy, you'd be calling me a stud.

 

Truth be told, I'm one of those exceptions to the "girls look at love & sex as a package deal" rule. This was very much the case when I was in college. Too focused on career stuff to be bothered with all the effort/drama of a full-blown relationship. So I learned how to separate the two things, and learned to differentiate my desire for one or the other, and how to enjoy sex with no attendant relationship.

 

It was easy when I was in college and single. As I got older, it got more difficult to separate the two. Until I caught an ex-bf cheating on me. I dumped him, and found out I still had the ability to enjoy sex without the prerequisite of a relationship like I had in college.

 

A few months later I met my husband and it all became a moot point anyway.

[ocrob]

Most guys will have sex with a woman they don't know very well. They will either like the woman as they get to know her or not. I recently met a woman and had sex the first day we met. The next day she was very clingy and I was honest about not being ready for any type of relationship. We had a long talk and continued to have sex. She tried to make things happen between us and got very possessive and even started trying to change me. I am now staying away from her. I actually resent the fact she implied I would only call her when I was horny. I never called her and only returned her calls. I never asked to see her and she would always ask to see me. Almost everyday! I tried to be honest and realize that she has other ideas so I am done with her. I don't think you are using someone, if you are honest upfront. I am sorry she wanted more, but the more I got to know her, the less I liked her. She has a potty mouth and it was a total turn off.

[ShySoul]

Sex is something that should happen once a relationship is solid and both members committed. If it happens really fast, odds are that the foundation wasn't set yet and the weight of something so intimate and attached to personal feelings were overwhelming and caused the house (relationship) to come crashing down. Sex causes you to examine the relationship, if its going to fast, if you really have your heart in it. And usually people find that they aren't as ready as they thought they were. Not to say it can't work out, but more often then not it doesn't.

[KieranMc]

Some strange and interesting theories.

 

All I can offer is how I feel. Society has brought me up to believe that girls that have sex with more than say two guys.. or too early are... well... "tramps" (please notice the inverted commas). I know this not to be true and I would not say that just because a guy as had a few partners he should be praised. STD's are not sexist!

 

I have had a fair few partners with whom I have had sex on maybe the third night... I dropped them within a month.. mainly because the thought of them giving it up like that turned my stomach.

 

In nature ALL females of the species run away like there is a fire if a Male tries to "get some". Monkeys... Lions.. Tigers.. you name it the female runs away when in season. The men have to CHASE.

 

Why should it be different for humans? Men are hard wired to impregenate anything with a pulse... women are not. They "naturally" are there to give birth to a healthy offspring. Girls who give it up too quickly or to many partners in my eyes are going against nature and just being plain wrong.

 

A point of contention I'm sure and much debate could be had... but these are just my feelings.

 

My current partner almost drove me to the point of despair making me wait and I tell you what... now that she's mine I kiss the ground she walks on.

 

Kieran

[shes2smart]

I don't think you are using someone, if you are honest upfront.

 

Absolutely.

 

Problem is, people hear only what they want to hear.

[Rawk-1]

I cant speak for most men, but as for as myself i like a challenge. if i get what i want with little or no effort than thats exactly how i will receive it. putting in hardwork and determination, lets me know i earned it and from that day on i will appreciate it the same. in my opinion, woman take sex, especially their first time very seriously. having sex shouldnt be the only way to describe the deph of your feelings for another. however, giving in to sexual activities too early makes you look easy or gullable. i ganrauntee you will lose his or her respect as well as their attention. Take your time, get to know one another and from there you make your decision. rushing only complicates your situation further, also as a result feelings get hurt.

[Day_Walker]

I have always believe that its not the sex that kills a relationship early on what I believe it is peoples motivating factors. If a guy wants sex from a girl and is willing to wait to get it then feelings may develop in that process or they may not. I dont think its fair to say that sex too soon kills a relationship because what kills a relationship is typically the interaction between the two people. If you sleep with a person quickly then its hard to discern if there is any real compatibility there instead its just more of a lustful atraction. If to combat this problemt then I would suggest learning more quickly about a person before you have sex with them. It is possible to see things within that person that would make you not want to get involved with them.

[ShySoul]

Good anaysis Day_Walker. Sex itself doesn't make or break the relationship. It's the people involved and how they handle things. The problem is that when sex enters the picture, it brings with it emotions and feelings. When it happens fast, the people involved may not be ready to handle those feelings. So they run. Or they do the opposite and cling tighter, even though they know the relationship isn't something that they should be in. Either way, it creates a lot of problems and issues. That's why it is best to wait until you really know each other and are committed, so there is minimal chance of someone running and you are both absolutely sure where you stand.

 

And personally, I could never understand the thrill of the chase, wanting a challenge thing. Why enjoy the challenge, when you can enjoy the result? If you have someone you love beside you, why give that up? I also think that with love, its not something you chase. Its something that comes to you when the time is right.