Rules for moving in together?

[needafriend]

Hi all,

 

Just wondering if anyone has thoughts on when is too young for a couple to move in together? Are there any rules to follow to ensure both parties are ready?

 

I ask because me and my boyfriend have been together for a year. We love each other dearly. I live alone and he still lives with his parents. He spends a lot of time at my place and I love having him there. It makes me feel safe and secure - I feel completely the opposite when he isnt there. Unsafe and scared.

 

He has suggested moving out of his parents but wants to move out with friends. He believes we are too young to become THAT serious. We are both 22.

 

I understand this is a big step and I will not pressure him. I am just feeling anxious that it doesn't feel right for him and it does for me. Does this mean hes not serious about me?

 

Any suggestions on how to deal with my feelings?

[Relationship Coach]

NAF,

There are no rules that I am aware of but it does take effort on both parts to work together to build on the relationship. I have known many that thought they were ready or one person was more ready than the other and it turned out really bad. It's a true test of feelings and tolerance at times! When it's right, you both will know it. Don't take offense to him not wanting to move in just yet he may need some room to grow a little more first.

 

RC

[Lilac]

hey girl,

 

please please don't take this personally but i have to tell you from my own personal experience that if he isn't ready to move it together don't do it. my bf and i were in a similiar situation as yours only differnce is i'm 4 yrs older then him, he just just turned 21. i have lived on my own for going on 7 yrs now. i lived with a guy for almost 5 of that, then had roomates for over a year and then when i moved up here i finally got my own place and my own space and i loved it. but i went through alot of the same feelings that you are. when he was there it was great it was perfect. but when he went home (to his parents house) i felt alone and wanting to be with him. then we the opportunity came for us to move in together and we did and it's been hell ever since. all we do is fight and i get mad that he still goes to his parents house 4 nights a week and is basically here to eat and sleep and that's it. i figure it's because he's never been out on his own and is having very strong seperation anxiety. i dont' want to see that happen to someone else. so if he wants to move in with friends then let him. you can still go to his house he can go to yours but it will make the first move out of home an easier transition for him

[Tigris]

It sounds to me like he's ready to 'fly the nest' but he thinks by moving in with you he's taking a giant step and he's not ready for that yet. You need to reassure him that your relationship will still be the same except that you'll be living in the same house.

 

Suggest this to him - He stays all weekend and then extends it to long weekends. Once he's happy with that get him to stay during the week and go home on weekends. Eventually he'll just stay with you because he'll feel comfortable with the situation.

 

Good luck

[vesper]

Hi all,

I feel completely the opposite when he isnt there. Unsafe and scared.

 

this should already tell you that this is the wrong reason to move in together to feel secure and safe. you have to find security first and be happy with yourself then you will be able to give in a relationship.

[needafriend]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

 

Tigris - he already stays a lot. He has stayed all of this week! He likes it at my place, he just doesn't want to commit to being "defacto" (and he cringes saying the word), claiming that we are too young.

 

I think Lilac is right that that first step out of the nest is a hard one to take for some people and if he thinks moving in with 3 of his drunken mates is going to make that better.... I don't know... I guess he is still in party mode and doesnt want to feel like he is "settling down" to be all husband and wifey.

 

I'm just haunted by the saying "When you know, you just know".... I seem to have that feeling and he doesn't.

 

Rae - Its not about feeling secure emotionally... its physically. I feel safe when he is sleeping next to me... I don't get scared of noises, I even forget to lock the door sometimes!!! But when he isn't I feel so vunerable. Some of the apartments in my building have been broken into and its not the safest neighbourhood in the world! So thats what I mean by safe.

 

RC - I think I will follow your suggestion and just wait and see and not pressure him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a ring on my finger here... but I'm guessing thats what he is afraid of?!?!?!

[Relationship Coach]

NAF,

Very good, give him some time. Have the two of you ever discussed marriage?

 

RC

[needafriend]

Not formally.

 

He has said to me a number of times that he thinks I might be "the one" and that I'm the "type" of girl he sees himself marrying, we have joked about having kids toogether ect but he has made it quite clear that he doesnt want to start thinking about those things until he is 27-30. He has also made it clear that he wants to travel next year and doesn't include me in those plans.

 

I on the other hand, don't care so much about age. I wouldn't want to lose my "one" - and if that meant settling down a little early it wouldn't matter.

I'd take them overseas with me!!!!!

 

I'm not ready for marriage and children - but I am ready to take our relationship to the next step.

 

Just writing this all down makes me realise that our level of maturity in regard to relationships are very different. And I'm also seeing that he his scared. And that hurts.

 

 

 

[Coffee]

Kiss sex good bye

 

Beyond that it can be very fun, shows what the relationship is really made of! Do him a favor and try not to hound him all the time about not talking or acting "weird". People need to think and have time to themselves, not just after fights, but during the day etc!

[RayKay]

From your post, I would say that it is best you do not move in together, and do not pressure him too.

 

The honest truth is there are a couple reasons for this.

 

First off, he is not ready to. He wants to experience being more on his own, and because he is not ready, I only can see that moving in together would cause him to wonder what else is out there, feel a bit resentful and it won't end well. He is very young, I know it does not seem that way, but both of you are still learning about yourselves.

 

Secondly, I firmly believe that ideally, both people should have experience living on there OWN wherever possible. I have seen a few couples where either one or both came directly from their parents homes, and often had little knowledge of the responsibility that goes into running a home, the bills, and the chores, and often even of the monotony once they realize it's not just a really long sleepover!

 

Thirdly, I think that before you move in together, you really need to be sure you are BOTH doing it for the right reasons, and more importantly for the same reasons. Now, there are many whom will tell you living together means he will never marry you, but I have seen it happen so this is not true. What I do think is the truth is that if you go into it thinking it means in another year you will get married, and he goes into it thinking its more of a test to see how things go, or a way to save money...you will be sorely disappointed. It's very important the couple knows ahead of time why they are doing this. Is it because they want to see if they can live together? Is it because they want to get engaged in 6 months? Is it to share living costs?

 

Lastly, I am also concerned that you seem to believe living together is "security". That somehow it will "secure" your relationship, and that is really not the right attitude to have, as security is not defined by living together, or marriage, but by the emotional commitment and mindset the couple has. Allow the relationship to develop, and when it's time, you will both feel ready. A year is still relatively early at your ages.

 

But really, the best reason not to at this point is he is not ready. And no amount of discussion or consideration will really change that if he feels that way at this point, and it will only feel like pressure from his view.

 

And if he is not ready, and he moves in, and then resents it, it will only make your homelife stressful. And it will hurt terribly when it ends because then you deal also with someone moving out of your daily life.

 

Let things proceed naturally until you are both ready.

[Relationship Coach]

After RayKay's last post there is not much more to say other than really consider this advice, it can save you a ton of grief! Best Wishes!

 

RC

[distancehelp]

Hi needafriend,

 

Both of you are in diferent phases of your relationship, you are ready for a commitment, and your beloved it is not ready yet.

 

As I can see, you already discuss that together. And as he told you, that he "thinks" he would be ready only when he is about 27-30 years old, are you willing to wait so long?

 

Well, if you are, and really love him, the only thing you can do is wait until he reaches the phase of commitment. Maybe he will reach that phase before he is 27-30 years old. Both of you are still young, keep loving each other and when both of you are ready, then go for it.