Am I entitled to feel like this?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I feel so bad for feeling like I do, like Im being selfish, but I have to get this out.

 

My boyfriend found out just a couple of days ago that his dad has terminal cancer and doesnt have a lot of time left to live. He lives with his dad, he has an eating disorder, is prone to depression and due to his dad dying will have to really grow up a lot faster than he thought he would, as in he'll have to get a job, move around a lot, help his sisters through it (and his dad's girlfriend)...his dad will get iller and iller and then he'll die, and then the house will have to be sorted out and my boyfriend will have to rebuild his life.

 

We have been together for 4 months, I love him and have said that I still want to be with him and he said he still wants to be with me despite all this stuff he'll have to deal with.

 

Obviously, he is devastated by this, and it breaks my heart to see him in so much pain..but heres the selfish horrible bit. We are still very much *together* but I couold tell from the first time I saw him the otrher day after the diagnosis , this has changed him already, but it feels like...our relationship is not going to be the same, for a very long time, for months. this is no ones fault, no way am I blaming anyone, but I feel like a part of me is mourning the death of ..how my boyfriend was? how when everything was relatively carefree (of course we both had problems but nothing like this)? and..this is painful to type, what if he remoulds himself and changes completey and im not what he wants anymore? Ive written this in a letter that i plan to give him in 6 months time but i cant talk to him now as obviously he has much bigger tihngs to worry about

 

he said yesterday *if i had to make a list of any positives right now, youd be at the top, but I really dont want to put any pressure on you*....

 

 

Its all so messy and sad and hes hurting so much

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I think you are entitled to feel whatever you feel. It's how you act towards him that will count now, he's in a dreadful situation of course. You see, your feelings and the way you experience this situation is still part of the reality, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Of course you miss who he was before his father got so ill. Of course this will influence the relationship, you've been together just for 4 months and you're quite young so it's a heavy load to carry.

 

I can see from your message that there are very serious feelings between the two of him. It's abrupt to have this kind of thing happening in such an early stage of the relationship. The lovey-dovey part is now away (it will come back I think!), and you will now have to be what you in essense are in a relationship; namely his best mate. He needs your friendship and he needs to be able to be down and depressed and maybe not the most perfect bf to you at this moment.

 

Don't forget about yourself, of course. If this is too heavy for you, maybe take a step down with him. Don't ever feel guilty about a feeling. They are there to tell you something about yourself in a given situation.

 

Ilse

[locolady]

Wow, your boyfriend has been handed a really tough roll of the dice. It is an awful lot of pressure to be put onto a relationship that is so new but one thing for sure is that he will really need you right now. Its ok that you feel the way you do, unfortunately youre right in one sense that the relationship will never be the same again because you will take a back seat role now - no matter what happens in your relationship in the next few months, it is not going to be as important as his other issues - this is something you will have to just accept and deal with alone. It is not something you can expect him to talk through with you. He is likely not to have time for you and even when you are together he may be angry, depressed etc - its hard on you but you are going to have to handle it. I have a friend who was in a very similar position to you - she had only just started going out with a guy when his dad had a brain hemorrage. It was touch and go for several months whether he would live - my friend felt confused as to her role because they hadnt been together long - her boyfriend would have to dash off to the hospital all the time and my friend didnt know how to support him e.g. whether to offer to go with him etc. In this aspect she let him take the lead. It was hard and just like you she admitted being fed up that the relationship was so intense yet unusual so soon. However she, like you, really cared for him and stuck it out, using her friends to admit and vent feelings of frustration - sometimes she wanted to argue with him about something he'd done like in a normal relationship but felt that it was petty to bring it up when he was dealing with something so real as death.

 

Accept that you will have to be there as and when he needs you and that your wants will have to be sidelined for a while. However depending on how he wants to deal with this - try to act as normal as you can with him. Its not always right to go softly softly with someone in this position. But be aware that he will snap at you etc and you might have to let a lot more than usual go for now. My friend is so happy now - her boyfriend could not be more aware that she was there for him through a bad time (his dad did get better in the end) and it has given their relationship a backbone unlike any other.

 

Good luck - use this site to vent your feelings and dont be ashamed of what youre feeling - he might not be able to give you the attention you deserve now but if you can be selfless now, it is a strength the two of you will always admire. I'm so sorry for your boyfriends position. x

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

thank you, both great replies, pretty much what i needed to hear/wanted to hear now.

 

I was thinking earlier, I am going to use this as a lever/prompt to really sort my life out so I can be there for my boyfriend. Im going to get overdue counselling for bipolar disorder, re-learn to drive (I quit due to depression) and maybe get a part time job and...im going to make an actual Plan of stuff I can do, and stuff I can do to release stress.

 

and i have my phone on me 24/7 and everything too. **its** not alright, but i really want to give **us** the best possible chance of being alright, if that makes any sense.

 

i will keep posting here.

[NJRon]

Wow Superstar! I really admire your decision to focus on yourself during this time so that you can be strong enough for the both of you. So many people would be letting themselves go crazy focusing solely on the other person. You are definitely wise beyond your years.

 

Best wishes