Boyfriend will be around more... Isn't that supposed to be good?

[xmrth]

Hmmm.... well my boyfriend is getting out of school and will unfortunately have to wait about 3-4 weeks before he can get into a job, so he'll be around every... single... day. And I never get to see him; I only get to see him on weekends for two days.

So isn't this supposed to be a good thing that he's home so much more?

 

I am afraid that I'm going to lose control and be anxious ALL day long because he's home and I'm at school all day, and it's like these are just more days to see him... which should be good, but I'm so afraid I'll get anxious and feel like I have to be home (I wouldn't stay home from school, but it has eaten me up inside the last time he was home like this-- two weeks that time)

 

I'm afraid because last time I was like that... and that was a year ago. And I've improved semi-drastically in this, and I'm afraid of slipping back. It hasn't even happened yet, but will later this week... I want to turn this into a positive thing by being too busy for HIM for once... but I'm just afraid. I've read along the way to recovering from all my anxieties, a list included "feeling anxious about the next time you'll be anxious" and that's basically what this is... because I remember it being so intense.

 

I feel like I'm going to be like "I should see him every day now that he's home!" and I don't want that. To be honest, I'd like to just see him once or twice more during the week... but I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I think I'm afraid of him being busy...? Not wanting to...? Not taking this opportunity to switch our relationship around...? (ME being the one who's too busy and how to go about that) .... and one of his friends will be back on leave for 2-3 of those weeks and I don't know how I will handle him being home and possibly with the friend instead of taking the opportunity to be with me these extra days. That's something else I'm afraid of because last time it was the same with him being home, as his friend was back on leave as well.

 

So I don't think I know what my question is by posting this, but I just wanted to get these thoughts out...

It's dealing with what if I lose control of my feelings and get all anxious...?

How can I turn this around and FINALLY be the one too busy for him?

Will I be able to concentrate knowing he's home and around and free, and possibly just with his friend all day ...?

And I'm also afraid that even though I'd be fine seeing him one or two days during the week, that I will feel like I've got to see him every single day... and be a wreck over it because obviously that's not going to happen-- I'm too busy with school and I don't see why he'd come over every single night for just a little bit; it's not like I WANT him to every single day of the week but I feel like I do JUST because he's home finally, and it's stressing me out.

 

Things like that... my mind is all over the place.

 

_Martha

[Mun]

Don't you have enough faith in your relationship such that a few hours away from each other won't make a bit of difference? You seem to be afraid of so many things I'd wonder what the "good" is in the relationship...all this fear has got to be a sign that something is wrong....

 

Girl, do you have any faith in yourself? Why all this anxiety and fear? A relationship that stops being fun sometimes is no fun at all. Let him breathe, give yourself a break, see him when you can and when it's good for both of you.

 

Don't play games with him. Don't be too busy to see him, but do have other things going on so that you aren't always anxious. I bet there are things in your own world--apart from his--that need taking care of. Do those things.

[xmrth]

There are a lot of things I have to take care of... and a lot of new things in my life as of late, like new friendships and basically things to keep me occupied.

But I keep thinking back to the last time this happened and how anxious I was, and I'm just so afraid of it happening again, while on top of that I wonder how much time we should spend together...? Because I can -make- time, and I don't know if that will be a good thing or a bad thing because it could be smothering.

It's like I'm clueless on how to just be casual and pretend it's like any other week(s)...

 

I'm just afraid... like tomorrow night, he'll be home and I could see him. Then Wednesday, he'll be home and I can see him... then Thursday night he'll be home and I can see him... and so on and so forth with next week, the week after, and the week after. But I have homework to do and I could probably be doing other things too... but I can -make- time for him, and I don't know how to just let it BE.

 

I just want to be calm, and casual... and just be regular like it's a regular week... but just that he'll be home and it's like I'll have to compete to get his time because I won't like him hanging with anyone else if it's at all possible for me to put things aside to see him, but that I've been getting over for the past 6 months, but the feeling lingers...

[Mun]

I dated a man that once told me " you need to find a man that wants attention the way you give" ....I didn't see that one coming...

 

Just because you can make time doesn't mean you should. See him when he calls and asks you out. Don't see him when you have homework, chores, dates with girlfriends, or need too sleep. That should be simple. Stick to that and you can't go wrong.

[RayKay]

I am in agreement with Muneca - it does not seem healthy to be this obsessed and consumed about this, and this relationship overall!

 

You are also neglecting some other factors here....you may be able to "make" time for him when you normally would not be able to see him, but what does HE want? Does he want to spend more time with you then normal as he has a few weeks off? What would happen if you MADE more time for him by cancelling with your friends for example...and then he did not want to see you and went out with his friends instead? This relates a lot to the last quote Muneca stated about being with someone whom WANTS that attention.

 

If he ASKS to spend time with you, that is one thing, but for now just continue on as normal and do the work you need to do, see the friends you make plans with.

 

Why does it bother you so much that he is doing his own thing while yours? What is the difference between him WORKING and just being on his own doing other things that bothers you so much?

[xmrth]

I don't think he wants to, but would if I wanted him to... Like this Wednesday, he seems open to the idea, and pretty much already told me he would, but talking to him today I told him to let me know by tomorrow... which I feel like I should have told him he already told me he would be seeing me.

 

It's just that with work and school he's busy with things he can't really help but do. And now that he'll be home it's like I just want to finally see him during the week since I never got to for the past couple of years...

 

And I don't know what to do because I know he probably doesn't WANT to because I'll see him over the weekend anyway... but it's like if I make time and ask him he eventually will... and I don't know what to do and what is right or any of that.. and it will bother me to know that other people will get to spend time with him during these days but I may not...

[Mun]

See him twice a week. How about that? Is that good for you? the other 5 days you have things to do... do your laundry, talk on the phone with your friends...go to the library and study....

[xmrth]

That's how much I see him already, though... and have for a couple of years now for the most part. I think seeing him those days is enough, but it's just the fact that now he's home and I can finally see him more.

 

I've already started feeling anxious, as soon as I realized I could probably see him tonight, and tomorrow night, and the rest of this week and like I said, the following weeks.

I just want to not care. I tried getting up and going about the rest of tonight telling myself to not care and not worry, but I can't stop feeling this way. I can't rely on him asking me when we can get together because it's always been me who asks him and it's up to him to agree to. That's just how it's always always been. Even if I ask him to ask me next, he probably wouldn't. So a lot of it is me wondering if I should have asked him about this night or that night, and all of that... I just know I'm going to be insanely anxious for the next month. I hate this feeling so much. I'm trying to talk sense into myself... it's helping but it keeps creeping up on me and I hate this so much...

[Mun]

So what you're saying is that if it wasn't for you asking him to see you each time he would not even bother to ask to see you? Am I getting this right?

[xmrth]

Yeah, that's how it is... basically I have always made the plans just, always. I don't know how it happened, but I did and never really realized I did until probably most recent years. There's times where we're seeing eachother and he'll come up with things we can do, but the initial seeing eachother is planned by me.

 

I don't know what his deal is with anything anymore... I don't care if I can't see him tomorrow if I could just KNOW. But he's giving me such a hard time because I just want to know if he will. And I want to know when I'll know.. and he's making it seem like now because I asked him so much, just simply asking him once, that it's like because of that now he won't see me.

 

And he's just saying stupid STUPID things like "what are we going to do; just sit on your bed?" when how is that my fault... I'm never at his house-- he doesn't know what its like to have to entertain someone, and it's not like we still aren't doing things.

And saying I make all our phone conversations dull because I'm always asking him when I'll see him next-- and I explained to him I only cut right to the chase because every time I try to talk about something interesting, he wants to go because he hates the phone, so why not ask him what I want to know? And I still talk to him about regular things anyway... just these past 2 conversations were about it.

 

I don't know... I told him to call me tomorrow and let me know, and told him the time I'm out of class. And I don't know what I should do, if I should call him or what. Because it's like he just doesn't care at all; he doesn't have to do anything to get my upset and all over him or call him. He doesn't have to lift a finger in the relationship and he knows it because I made it this way...

[RayKay]

I don't know... I told him to call me tomorrow and let me know, and told him the time I'm out of class. And I don't know what I should do, if I should call him or what. Because it's like he just doesn't care at all; he doesn't have to do anything to get my upset and all over him or call him. He doesn't have to lift a finger in the relationship and he knows it because I made it this way...

 

NO! Don't call him, you told him when you were done, asked him to call...DON'T do it again honey.

 

Sweetie, you sound miserable, and I am at a loss as to what to actually say because I know the things you should be doing are not ones you are willing, or going to do. I don't think you want to be with someone whom does not care....yet you stay. Despite it never changing.

 

You also need to stop thinking "you made it this way", because this is WHOM he is as well. He would not be someone he is not just because of you. However, you CAN change your actions. Can't change him, but you can change you.

[xmrth]

I feel like I can do a lot more than I used to at least. I mean I won't call him then, but I wonder if I should call him later on in the day when it's still early, or to just call him later on in the night.

I'm trying to change my actions, but I keep letting myself slip. Like this was really bothering me so much while we were on the phone, but as soon as we got off of the phone I felt fine. Right now I feel fine, and like I don't have to call him back or anything like that, but I want to. I kind of think he's completely got the wrong idea and I didn't explain myself enough to him, making him probably think this is all about seeing him when for this case, it turned into more about knowing than anything else.

I just feel like I keep on messing up and making him think all these things because of it... and that makes me want to call him back tonight.

[RayKay]

I used to think much like you, worry about what impression I left, what I said, did he get the right idea, was I wrong.

 

One day my bf at the time pointed out, he never had to do anything, as I ALWAYS came crawling to him to say I was sorry, that I gave him wrong idea. He said he never even had to take any responsibility for anything as I always did. He did not really believe anything I said because I would take it back to keep the peace.

 

It was a real eye opener, and I learned a lot from that. We broke up, but I grew leaps and bounds emotionally and learned it's OKAY to be whom I am. It's OKAY to have reasonable expectations....and I did NOT need to apologize for them!

 

And since then, I have been MUCH happier and more at peace in my relationships...an equal. You really have to believe in yourself sweetie, and at this point I really don't think you value yourself enough to believe someone would love you for whom you are...but the truth is they would respect and love you a lot more if you WERE stronger and more adamant in your desires and wants. Might not be this guy, but then that would mean maybe he did not love you for the right reasons anyway.

[xmrth]

I tried to not be so worried, but I just felt like I made the whole situation seem entirely backwards.

I want him to love me for me and be serious about what I want, but I feel like because I've been so weak for so long that he can't possibly believe me.

I had ended up calling him and he didn't say much, which pretty much means he was listening... but I had asked him "is it about you not knowing if you CAN see me tomorrow, or you not knowing if you WANT to?" and he kept asking me "say that again? oh I just want to hear how many times you will say it" because he had to ask me to repeat something else. But now that I think of it, he never did answer the question.

 

I don't know what to do. I just don't want to blame myself for making things get this way... because I used to be so out of control and needy, and I am still a bit needy but I'm so much better with all of it than I was even just a few months ago... like it left a wrong impression and now everything I do and say is ruined and thought of as it was before.

 

I don't know... I told him to call me tomorrow at a certain time, and I said not to forget... I guess he'll call but in any case, he probably thinks I'm just weak and needy... I told him I have my own things to do and I don't care if he can only stop by for a little bit. So we'll see... I just feel like I ruined our whole relationship and I can't fix it like I have fixed myself along these past few months...

[RayKay]

You are in a cycle of blaming yourself, which really only makes you more "needy" and worried. Trust me, I have been there! Took me a long time to realize I was being my biggest enemy and worrying about things my partner just was NOT. He just did not stress about things as much, or hold onto things like that.

 

You however in obsessing over them are holding onto them and recreating them. Have you discussed this with your therapist? What do they say?

 

I think it is weird he did not answer the question, unless he felt on the spot or felt the truth would hurt you, and was trying to deflect away from answering.

[xmrth]

We were talking about this today, and I was supposed to try and face my anxieties and just continue on as I'm going in my day, but I completely disregarded everything and called him up an hour later from when I asked him to call me, which he didn't... and I know I shouldn't have done that.

It's like I take steps forward, but always more steps back.

And I disregarded that because I didn't even THINK of it.

 

At this moment, I feel less anxious to get in touch with him, but I know that I must be making it worse...

I've been explaining to my boyfriend that I realize what he's saying-- that for example, I'm asking too many questions. She suggests this could be a good idea for me to let him know I understand what he's saying, but that it takes two people to make it work.

 

I just feel STUPID for calling him... I don't even care if he can't make it over today. I just got anxious and gave him a call... and no answer. But he may see it when he's ready to call me anyway... but I don't know. I'm messing up my whole life-- I have no control...

[melrich]

I just feel STUPID for calling him... I don't even care if he can't make it over today. I just got anxious and gave him a call... and no answer. But he may see it when he's ready to call me anyway... but I don't know. I'm messing up my whole life-- I have no control...

 

Xmrth, this is a 6 year relationship and you are agonising over callig him like 15 year old in a two week relationship.

 

You are seriously damaging some of the best years of your life.

[RayKay]

Xmrth, this is a 6 year relationship and you are agonising over callig him like 15 year old in a two week relationship.

 

You are seriously damaging some of the best years of your life.

 

I agree. It also reminds me of someone whom has just broken up with someone and has to call them to keep track of them, or hopes to win them back, or have them change their mind.

 

 

You REALLY need to relax. You have to accept that you cannot control his choices and actions, and the things you do now are pushing him away, but the more you try and correct them by calling again only makes it worse!

 

If you feel you "messed things up" by telling him your anxieties and want to call, learn that it would honestly be better to just LET IT GO. Let him think it over, relax.

 

Say you catch a butterfly one day. The butterfly is flying around you, landing on your shoulder, quite happy being with you, and if you were to continue on, it would be thrilled to just hang out and follow you, come back to you even after a little flight away. It loves being with you, and it is with you by CHOICE.

 

But this is not enough. So you decide to trap the butterfly in a box. It cannot fly, or move around. Or see the sunlight. It gets depressed. It suffocates and wants to escape. Being with you is no longer a choice, but a demand. It feels imprisoned. The love it had for you dies because it no longer feels itself anymore. This is what YOU are doing right now sweetie. It's why you also feel anxious. You know easing up is a risk but you are going to suffocate it if you don't.

 

If you relax, and just let it be, and let it go.....it will show its true colours again. If it comes back, it's because it wants to be with you. If not....then it's time to just go your separate ways. But you cannot FORCE it to see it your way, you have to let it find it's own direction.

 

Butterflies and humans are both going to do as they wish and feel. Now sometimes they find those whom are compatible and they choose to stick together. But you can't force it.

[xmrth]

I am seeing that more with him... his reaction to it is him pulling away and playing games with it... because he thinks it's funny, as he asked me while calling me back, and not calling me in the first place like I had asked him to for today just simply to let me know what's up, he said "Why do you always have to know exactly when I'm coming over?" (talking about tonight as he's coming over after he has dinner with his parents, but doesn't know when that will be and doesn't have plans to call me and let me know when he's on his way! Why is this so bad?)

 

I feel like right now... I wonder if him playing these games will finally force me to not let him be able to, which in turn will make it so I'm not always asking him when he's coming over and things like that.

 

I don't know... he seems to think it's so much fun to play around and not call and not tell me when he's coming over or what his plans are... like today, he didn't do anything. He didn't call me at 2... didn't call back until 3.5 hours later... things like that.

It's like he WAITS for me to ask him about it or when he's coming or to make plans. And then just toys with me... I feel like it's motivating me to stop this, but it kind of creates other anxieties, like a loss of respect for me and things like that.

 

So he's coming over in probably... 2-3 hours... I have to figure out what to say to him, like I understand or something... but I don't want it to sound like I'm saying sorry or trying to pull him in closer.. it's so tricky.

[Itsok]

Have you been to a psychologist? I know, that's a bad way to start a post, but everytime I read your posts, I think you have an anxiety disorder that is serious enough to need treatment! You don't have to live like this, totally consumed by your anxieties and thoughts.

 

Go and be checked out, and get some help instead of having to live trapped in your mind. All the things you are worrying about are absolutely unnecessary. There's no reason to worry about these things, but you can't stop yourself.

 

There's no harm in being checked out and seeing if you are dealing with things well.

[xmrth]

I'm already seeing one and I've made a lot of progress, but still have a ways to go.

 

I'm really scared right now because he ended up coming over tonight and I had gotten on his nerves because I had NO idea what to say to him so I figured I'd talk about this whole situation... and it just kind of set him off.

He was so upset and was like "I don't know what to do any more either" etc. But wouldn't say anything about ending it and when I asked in different ways about it, he didn't agree... and then things were okay after just letting him be for about 15 minutes. And I told him that we've gotten through so much and we'll get through this and I understand what I've been doing but it takes two people.. but he doesn't believe I'll change, but at the same time, he says it like he doesn't care either way, but he was really aggravated.

 

I'm making him not even want to see me... he can tomorrow, but told me he needed a break from me and he'd see me Friday, but I told him that I'd really like to see him tomorrow and that it's stupid he'd not want to see me because I won't be like this; I just didn't know what to tell him when he came over after these past couple of days. I said that his friend is coming home on leave and I want to see him, and then he said yes and then the rest of our night was making up and things were okay...

 

But I'm a person who he must not have fun with and who must always annoy him. I don't know what to do. I just have to force myself to do the exact opposite of what I'm doing... or just something like that... all I'm doing are things that make me feel better because I get so anxious and talking and this and that..

 

I wanted to add:

He was fine... until I brought it up shortly after he came over. Then I told him I recorded his voice through our conversation on my cellphone when he was yelling at me over this on the phone the other night because I wanted him to hear himself, and that set him off. I'm not sure what it was all over, either that or all these other things like the MS thing and just things I do... Like that, Ms, saying things right when he comes in-- but because I just want to get it out in the open right there and not have it ruin our night later on...

Right now I am just afraid... I always ALWAYS feel like it's too late. I've been feeling like it is for maybe over a year or more now over things and that's what makes me grab onto him tighter which pushes him away... I get so afraid.. If I could just let it go as things are fine now, it would be good. But not matter what, I feel like I have to keep gripping onto him, and gripping on because of these kind of things that happen...

[annie24]

About facing your anxieties - I've talked to my therapist about them too. I have a massive exam coming up, and anytime I thought about what would happen if I failed the exam, I would have a massive panic attack, turn white, shut down, freak out. It's like thinking about falling off a cliff.

 

She tried to talk to me in therapy about it, but I just started crying. She told me to spend 30 minutes a day, thinking about what I would do if I failed the exam and the worst case scenario, failing out of grad school.

 

So, I did what she said, sat down and thought about the worst case scenario. I would look for a job that fit my qualifications, spend more time at the gym, maybe go to school for something else....

 

Even though it was scary at first, I feel a lot more calm and relaxed now about the exam, because I don't feel like it will be the last day of my life if I don't pass. That in turn, gives me more security and confidence. i don't feel like I'm going to fall off a cliff anymore.

 

Maybe you would find it helpful to think what would happen if your boyfriend broke up with you, or if he died. (sorry to be so tragic). What would you do with your life? How would you function?

[RayKay]

Actually I agree with Annie about that exercise, I know you really do your best to AVOID thinking of it, but I think it may be a good exercise to go through, to realize you WOULD be okay. Ultimately it would probably give you a lot more confidence and you would stop worrying and analyzing every thing.

 

And the fact is, things like break ups and deaths DO happen, and your life DOES change, but it does go on. I was with someone for five years, and I too was very wrapped up in him and his life, and basically structured my life very much around him, and how he was feeling. I mean he loved me definitely, but I kinda...gave up a lot of myself. And I had no choice as he DID die, and I had to face a life without him. And, while I wish he never died of course, my life DID go on, I did live on, I did find happiness and strength, and independence in myself....and yes, found a wonderful love again.

 

You have to remember your are two souls whom choose to be together, you are not someone whom needs him to even have a soul.

[Mun]

I agree with the ladies, on your other topic I also suggested you think about what you would do if you two broke up. From what I remember you said you didn't even want to think of it. Well, I honestly think you should because you need to have a Plan B if this relationship doesn't work out. I know it's not what you want to think about, but it might get you through all the anxiety and fears you keep having which, by the way, seem to be a result of how insecure your relationship is.

 

Honey, if you are the one that has to call the man so that he will see you this is not good. What exactly is he bringing to the table? This sounds so one sided. No wonder you're scared, you're standing on false ground.

 

Say you don't bother to call him in two weeks and in those same two weeks he never callls you. Wouldn't that tell you something? Maybe you should try it and find out if he is still interested in being with you. That way you won't waste any more of your time if he is not.

 

These are your good years, don't spend them chasing after a man. He needs to show some effort in this. If he doesn't then what do you have? really...

 

That same guy that told me I should find a man who wanted my attention also told me, in no uncertain terms, that I should get a backbone. Well, once I did, I got his respect back--and his interest-- but I never gave him more of my time. I know the reason I acted that way with him was because he made me insecure. His actions showed me I was not that important to him. Once I decided he was not giving ME what I wanted.. and let him go.. things changed. Suddenly he was the one calling, asking mutual friends why I wasn't interested in him anymore. It was kinda funny how things turned around.

 

Honey, you will get more respect when you stand up for yourself. You need to stop being scared first.

 

People can walk all over you, mess with you, and hurt you when they know you are afraid of losing something. When you do that you give away all your power.

 

Face your fears: what's the worst that could happen? If that was to happen, what would you do about it? How would you get through it?

[xmrth]

My therapist and I actually talked about the thinking thing where I'd set time apart to think... but it's just not a good idea and I think she's agreeing that it won't be because if I sit down and think about him and what I'm anxious about, and if we broke up (thinking about that part in that way) I will warp all my thoughts and think up all these crazy scenarios, and there's no way I could shut my thoughts off from that until I either hear from him or worse, talk to him about it, and that's where it a lot of problems for me/us come out... so I just avoid it.

 

For the thinking about if we broke up part, I have just been paying attention to other personalities trying to show myself it's not the end, but if I get myself actually thinking about it, I go back into thinking that it would be the end and I'd never find anyone.

 

And actually, that's another suggestion from my therapist, was to think about and consider if I didn't talk to him at all and what would happen.

I've done it maybe a couple of months ago, where I started a new semester and I didn't call him all week long. He eventually called me and sounded like "hey, where have you been?" in a kind of sad tone. I try to do it now, but it's been hard, particularly because his friends have been home on leave from the army and will be again this coming week for I think 3 weeks. So I was going to do it again when the friend goes back because then I would have more of his time and I could withdraw a bit.

I feel like if I did withdraw and become more relaxed that it would finally give him the chance to do the things I've been doing and put more effort in... because I jump to doing all of that on my own.

 

He just KNOWS how anxious everything makes me and how much he has me and it's so hard to reverse that. If I could just relax and get rid of all these worries, then I'd be so calm, and he'd just always be there... and would be enhancing my life and not BEING it, but it's so hard.