Boyfriend will be around more... Isn't that supposed to be good?

[annie24]

My therapist and I actually talked about the thinking thing where I'd set time apart to think... but it's just not a good idea and I think she's agreeing that it won't be because if I sit down and think about him and what I'm anxious about, and if we broke up (thinking about that part in that way) I will warp all my thoughts and think up all these crazy scenarios, and there's no way I could shut my thoughts off from that until I either hear from him or worse, talk to him about it, and that's where it a lot of problems for me/us come out... so I just avoid it.

 

Well, the technique really worked for me. I was wrapping myself really badly over the thought of failing the exam. Maybe some people would say that it's really not good to think of what you would do if you fail the exam, because you want to focus on passing it, and that's how I felt at first, until really sitting down, and thinking about applying for other jobs, maybe looking into alternative careers, or maybe reapplying to another grad school at a later date. I saw that I would have more free time, time to take a yoga class, or maybe go on some weekend hiking trips.... these aren't the worst things in the world! Really, I do feel better.

 

What if your bf broke up with you? There are other men out there, many of whom may actually be more attentive to you and your needs. You can go out, travel around Europe, spend more time with your gfs. If your bf broke up with you, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

[xmrth]

It seems like I can only think about it to an extent until I realize again that I really don't want that to happen, and it gets me even more scared. I have to be really careful about what I allow myself to think about...

 

Like right now, I'm trying really hard to keep my thoughts under control. Another one of my boyfriend's friends is back on leave for this whole month... and they went out to a bar last night-- them two and a couple of people my boyfriend doesn't know. I start to wonder, did he like someone there...? Did he buy someone a drink...? Did someone insist giving him their number...? Could I have gone, even to whatever bar they went to... even though I'm not 21?

 

Right now my anxiety level on 1-10 is probably a 7. I can't stop wondering about what's going to happen because whoever was with them last night will most likely always be with them seeing this guy... and I'm just afraid.

 

We've seen eachother a lot this week-- 4 days in a row, which was really night. Today I finally don't feel like I HAVE to see him, but I'm worried over these thoughts... they're messing everything up, and we had such a good couple of days together, minus the first day of those 4 which I already talked about.

 

I finally feel like it's weird that I worry so much... because after everything recently, he shows so much wanting to work on things-- and things have been getting back to how they were before all our little tiffs. Seeing him a lot helped because then I wasn't nagging about things, getting us into it. And it's like whenever we talk about certain things, we get into references about us living together, like how our bed will be, how our bed won't have this type of sheets, how he will have to show me how to do laundry, and how we'll figure out who cooks what. And that was these past few days... but I always ALWAYS think that things change when he goes out. I can't shake this fear, and it's ruining everything.

I said nothing to him about these things when I talked to him this morning because I didn't want him to think I was nagging or saying he can't hang out with his friend.

It's like anything with girls makes me feel fear and anxiety. But then I think about these things, and how often he says "we've been together for 6 years!" and it's like, why am I worried...? I can't even help it

[annie24]

Have you talked about getting on meds? maybe that will help you.

 

Precisely because you are so anxious - maybe you should think about things. Let's say that he did buy a drink for some girl last night and that they exchanged phone numbers. Let's say that they start talking and he decides to leave you for her, to try something new.

 

What are you going to do? Well, you have your education, you have a career. And he is a jerk, for tossing away a long relationship for some girl he met in a bar. Your life will go on. You will keep going to classes, work on your career, you'll cry, but eventually you'll get over him. You'll meet someone who appreciates your loyalty and will want to take you out with his friends.

[xmrth]

I have, but I have gotten so much better that I don't need them... and I don't want them. I just have to see this therapist at least every week and see another therapist specializing in anxiety and I should be okay to avoid using medication. I would just really rather not take it if I don't have to. It gets bad when I'm anxious, but I've gotten over so much is what I'm saying.

 

I understand what you mean... I try to think of it like that, but I was more concerned about him buying his friend a drink, along with a girl who may have gone to the bar with them (I'm sure there were girls or at least A girl who tagged along) and it would bother me tremendously for him to spend even a penny on another girl no matter what...

 

And I'm afraid of who his friend's friends ARE, because I think he has a lot of female friends... and it's like I just CAN'T get over him being around other girls. I can't get over it. Not at all. And yes, I talk to guys at my college, and sometimes I'll be sitting with one of my girl friends and guys will join us, or this, or that... and I think nothing of it. But I imagine him and his friend getting a bite at a restaurant just at spur of the moment or something and like, girls join them... because I know this guys gone some girl friends going on. I just don't like it... I'm so insecure about it.

 

But yeah, I do that with thinking about what I've got going... it helps a lot with me finding other things to do or occupy my thoughts with, but like now, its hard for it to work... and I'm overthinking...

[annie24]

Honey - I don't want to sound mean, but I don't really think that you are over your anxiety issues. They seem to be pretty severe to me, if you are constantly worrying about the relationship and his friends (who you have no control over!).

 

What kinds of meds did they have you on? SSRIs?

[xmrth]

I've never been on meds, and don't want to be. I feel better by not obsessing all day long like I was before, but I do now just if I get to thinking about it. I can put the thoughts aside more easily rather than suffering with them all day long.

[annie24]

I try to think of it like that, but I was more concerned about him buying his friend a drink, along with a girl who may have gone to the bar with them (I'm sure there were girls or at least A girl who tagged along) and it would bother me tremendously for him to spend even a penny on another girl no matter what...

 

This sounds somewhat unhealthy to me. What if your bf is out with friends, and someone brought along his sister or cousin, and it was her birthday or a special occasion, and your bf buys her a drink, or an ice cream to be nice. If they're just friends, why should it bother you?

 

I am just really worried about you. I think that you are stressing waaaay more than you should be over this 6 year relationship. You can't control if other girls hit on him or not. But, you should know that after 6 years, whether or not he will reject their advances.

 

I used to be very opposed to meds too, until I got on them, and found that they've really helped calm my anxiety while I'm getting the underlying issues under control.

[Mun]

My guy buying another girl a drink would bother me if he didn't spend a cent on me...but hey, if your boyfriend wants to buy a girl a drink you should be proud to have such a gentleman for a bf. The fact that it bothers you so much is interesting.

 

What exactly are you scared of here? Afraid to lose him after giving 6 years in this relationship? Afraid that if YOU don't call him up he would NEVER ask to see you? Afraid of always saying the wrong things and turning him off? Those are my guesses, but only you know what is really bothering you deep inside.

 

I wonder if all the anxiety has some real issues behind it.. until you address those you may not get rid of the anxieties. Well, that's my thought....

[xmrth]

I honestly don't know what my problem is half the time. Once in a while, I sit down with a pad of paper and a pen, and I'll write down the entire situation, my fears, why, how much I think something will happen versus how much it probably will/won't... but most importantly: "Why does it bother me?: I don't know" and half the other things are from nothing... all I can really tell is where all this started, when I began to over think everything, and it got worse and worse... and it's so hard to explain... it's things I'm getting into right now with my therapist... in 2 more days... I'm considering seeing two-- this one while I'm at school and another so I can only have to go out to one once a week... and see a therapist twice a week that way. Because it's like I can only get so much into an hour slot at school..

 

I feel like I should come back here once more things have unfolded in the sessions... right now it's been this way for a while, but we've been talking about putting thoughts to rest, and what to do when I start to obsess... and that's why I probably seem like nothing's gotten better because it's the first thing's first sort of thing...

 

So to answer what I'm really scared of, when it comes down to it-- I don't even know... I just obsess and over think and get anxious, and once I'm anxious, the thoughts can't stop. I let my guard down sometimes