what's it like being in a relationship with a alcoholic?

[shes2smart]

You're welcome.

 

I figure my bad decisions and various mistakes should be good for something

[luckybunny]

how long after the breakup did you start feeling better? cause it's really only been a little over a month.....i just want to feel like me again!!! and its weird cause i thought i would cave in when he came crawling back, but as much as it hurt to say no to him, there was nothing that could make me go back to him....loneliness isnt a good enough reason to go back to someone....

[shes2smart]

It's been a long while, and I don't have my journal to refer to right here, right now....but remembering events from that time...I'd say about 6 months or so before I re-joined the land of the living from being one of the walking wounded. Maybe another 6months to a year after that dealing with the bitterness fallout.

 

But, I've also had break-ups where the rebound time was much shorter, too...

 

In a lot of respects, it will depend in part on where you were in terms of your own self-esteem & relationship with yourself before you ever got into the relationship. The stronger and healthier my relationship with myself, the shorter the recovery time after a break-up.

 

Technology has sped up a lot of things for us, but it will never be able to speed up the healing of the human heart & spirit. Those things will always take the time they take....no more and no less.

 

That being said, you are still early on in the process. The wound is still fresh and your nerves are still raw. So be sure to treat yourself with kindness and gentleness -- lots of rest, healthy diet and a little pampering. In time, you'll start to feel up to getting out and socializing again, and it may be awkward and not a lot of fun at first, but keep moving forward.

 

Finally, if you are still in a really bad place after 3 or 4 months go by, and you're honestly not any better than when the break-up first happened, it might be time to consider a short course of anti-depressants (ideally combined with a little counseling).

 

Generally speaking, I'm not in favor of trying to medicate yourself to wellness, but I'm also aware that sometimes our brains get into a chemical rut of sorts and need a little intervention to get back to "normal." I know I could feel it when my brain got stuck in a rut, and I made an appointment with my doc, told him what was going on & got a prescription for 6 mos. of anti-depressants. The meds helped stablize me so I could do what I needed to do to improve my situation. (That turned out being getting a new job because my problems at that point were 100% work induced/related) I tapered off them at the first available opportunity, and haven't needed them since.

 

Used responsibly, medication can be a Godsend. However, meds will never be able to do the healing work for you, and they won't magically change anything. I wouldn't look at them as an option of first resort, but rather as a resort after you've tried everything else first.

[luckybunny]

well i think my self esteem was at a good place before the relationship started.....and has continued....the fact that i was able to say no to him several times strengthened my faith in myself....it was hard to look at someone i love more than anything and tell them i couldnt be in their life anymore....i just wish there was someway i could write a letter or something that he could have in front of his face to see all the pain he caused me so that maybe he can not do it to someone else....but i know thats not possible with the whole no contact thing.....but i feel like theres so much more i need to say just to make him understand....

[shes2smart]

I know what you mean. It's so easy to get sucked into that kind of thinking. I so badly wanted my alcoholic ex to "get it"....to have that moment of understanding and get inspired to get his @#*% together. At the very least, I'd settle for an amicable, mature parting that didn't include a lot of screaming and yellling and name-calling.

 

It was wanting either of those two things that kept me going back and forth with him for years. Ugh. One day I had the "a-ha!" moment and realized I was never going to get either of those things from him...but he'd be quite content to let me believe his transformation or his mature departure was right around the corner.

 

Here's something I did to help with all the unsaid things. Please feel free to borrow as many (or few) of these ideas as you see fit or use it to create your own personal ceremony.

 

I spent several days...maybe a week or so...writing a letter. Everything I wanted to say, never said, or things I said that he chose to ignore. It was difficult. While I was writing it, I cried a lot. I screamed a little. I'd work on it a while, then let it sit for a day or so, and write more. I wrote until I felt it was all out.

 

Then, I went to my favorite park during a time where there weren't many people there. I hiked into a secluded area in the woods and found a spot off the path where there were about a dozen trees in a circle with a clearing in the middle. I stood in the middle of the circle, said a short prayer, and started to read my letter out loud. When I got done, I sat on the ground and sobbed until that all passed, then I got up and walked to one of the park's picnic areas.

 

I ripped up the letter, put it in an empty metal can (like an old style coffee can), put the can into one of the grills in the picnic area and burned the letter. When the can cooled off (very important, otherwise you'll burn your hand....not that I'd know anything about that ) I took it to another place in the park where there was some running water (a little creek), and sprinkled the ashes...the water carried away some, the wind carried away the rest.

 

I've always found these types of personal cermonies very helpful to move on after something ends. I even did one as I departed my job-from-hell that made me go nuts.

 

It was very therapeutic and helped me to forgive my former employers. (Well, as much as I'm going to forgive them anyway.....) but that's another story.

[luckybunny]

wow....that sounds like an excellent idea.....i might have to "steal" that from you....i need some way to find peace with all of this...otherwise i dont think ill be able to really truly move on...since telling him how i feel didnt help at all, i need to find my own way of letting go.....if i dont let go of this, i wont be able to move on to someone else and give them all of me...its a shame i gave the one person in the world who least deserved it all of my love...and not even all of my love was enough to help him....thank u so much for the advice....i had already thought about doing the letter, but wasnt sure if it was a good idea....now i know that it is....i just wish i could give it to him just so he knows everything i feel cause i know i never told him...

[ezmeecat]

omg i stumbled upon this site after a google search and i am sooo glad i did

My b/f of 2 years had a major drink prob but i picked up with him 2 days after my dads funeral ( a dentist and an alcoholic)

B/f dumped me by text, while I was at work, no explanation, nothing, will not answer calls or texts. Found out he has been seeing someone else for 4 months. Last time i saw him he tried to get me to take an E which I outright refused to do. Then he ended it. This new woman used to be on heroin, is a drinker and will take any drug offered.

Yet today, nearly 3 months after he finished it, i called him?! He didnt answer, thank God, but I have been beating myself up about wot i did wrong for him to end it. I did nothing wrong, He is an alcoholic. He is distant because of that ( thanks s2s ). His new relationship is far from healthy yet I have spent the last 3 months almost pining for him and wanting him back

Through reading these posts, and from a boy 20 years my junior, saying to me today that I was too good for him, I know I am too damm good for him!!

He has lied to me, cheated, been dishonest, and what hurts is he never told me the truth about the ending of the relationships - he said he was trying to sort out his drinking ( he had been saying that for 2 years), he said he wasnt seeing anyone else and that I was too much in his face?!? ](*,)

I wonder if i was in the relationship cos i couldnt save my dad?

Plus this bloke said oh for gods sake it was just a bit of fun - cheers, lower my self esteem even more thanks very much.

I dont know why I called him today apart from the fact I saw him Sat after a month of not seeing him ( live in a small place like a prev poster)and had been doing ok. Bumped into him, was civil, carried on walking, came home and cried for half an hour.

I wanted to post to reassure others we are all going through the same s*** by the looks of it, and to reassure myself as well that I am not going mad and that i AM better off without him. His new g/f has even had the nerve to text me and call me a jealous slag which really helps I didnt dignify it with a response as she is obv insecure

I am better than I was, and just wanted to say thanks again I am going in the right direction arent i?!?

[calidreamin0]

just stay away.

 

seriously...not worth your time. and he will drag you down with him.

 

alcoholism is an addiction. that alcohol is more important to him, than you will ever be. unless he admits he has a problem, and really wants to be with you...then do not get involved.

 

there are such better people out there. without these problems. my ex bf's dad was a lifelong alcoholic... and died because of it. he also went through 3 marriages, and majorly screwed up his children. do you want to be with someone who could potentially put you through ALL of that?

[ezmeecat]

thanks. thats the sort of thing that reinforces my determination. My own father left my mum and died cos of alcohol so why the hell i would want to put myself through that again i dont know lol ](*,)

I am much better than I was, I have no intention of getting him back or whatever, I miss the person he used to be and hes not coming back, because the drink has changed him too much.

Its sad really but there we go. Only he can do something about it and Im not going to be dragged down waiting to see if/when he ever gets there.

Onward and upward to a better relationship I was just hurt thats all and it took me a few months to get my head around it as to why he left me for her. god isnt love blind?!?!

[just M.E.]

I found myself married to an alcoholic twice. The first time more by accident, he developed alcoholism as the years went by, the early years were fairly normal. The second I should have seen coming but missed the red flags.

 

I think shes2smart covered the core of it. For many alcoholics there is a hidden physiological issue, some dysfunction and they are self medicating. My ex was probably narcissistic and borderline personality. His alcohol abuse was his way of hiding from these issues and his need for the chemical lift of alcohol.

 

There is one real simple thing I can say, living with an alcoholic is hell. It is chaos and unnecessary drama and stress. They are a person out of control and are other controlling of others. Their life is in shambles and they project their dissatisfaction out wards. My ex was in his best moods while drinking, it was the morning after that he was vicious.

 

The comments about them being like a big child hit me also. I believe they search out a situation where someone will be their caretaker. I used to say raising my daughter single was easier than being married to my ex. He was a 46 year old child. Immature and needy. When you try be a giving and caring person it becomes twisted and you become a caretaker and an enabler.

 

When I realized that by being generous and caring I in effect became his enabler, I separated from my ex. He came to me wanting to reconcile and go into treatment. That was the base of the ground rules and he did - for 3 months, then he started drinking again behind my back. He admitted his problem to me, but told friends it was all in my head, there was not problem. He used that time together to find his next landing point, the new woman, and then left.

 

If you ask why I let that scenario build out, it is because of two family deaths that I was traveling for at the time all this was happening. The time I took with those loses, put him on the back burner and he used that time to plan his exit. It was a tough time, he pretty much picked my lowest point to leave but in the end that was a favor.

 

Alcoholics do not have much empathy, they lie to themselves, they deceive themselves and others, they lose their self respect and will treat others with no respect. They are great at projection because if they faced what they were really doing they would have to see the wrong of it. They cannot be honest with themselves, they rationalize and lie so often, I believe my ex had become pathological in his lies.

 

I have journals of horrible, horrible stories of my life through that. To put it simply, if I had met the man who he became in the marriage, I wouldn't have gone to coffee with him, much less dated or married him. It becomes a living version of "Invasion of the body snatchers". It is watching someone die and be replaced by a person you don't know. Alcoholic dementia is a very sad and scary thing.

[shes2smart]

ezmeecat....

 

The original post on this thread is from 2006. If you'd like more input/support for your specific situation, I'd suggest starting a new thread of your own. That way it will show up on the front page and more people will see it.

[Oryx11]

I am presently in a relationship with an alcoholic/drug addict, he has finally cut his drinking down to weekends, but it's every weekend and he's out disc-golfing alot during the week and I know there's lots of weed smoking going on when he plays, so really it's just the drinking that has cut down. I really don't know what to do about it anymore. I did write a post about and I people tell me I should kick him out...I don't even know how to approach him with this anymore, I feel like I have shared my feeling with him on the subject too many times and it just doesn't register...We broke up 2 in 7 years.

[thejigsup]

He won't quit. He can't without help. And it has to be professional help. I fled my alcoholic ex with an 11-month-old baby in my arms. I just took a few of the baby's things and the clothes off my back. I won't go into detail, let's just say I ran for my life. If I would have stayed, I would be dead.

[Oryx11]

woah...that's heavy...I don't think my life is in danger in any way but our relationship is going down the drain because of it..that and other things, but that has always been the major issue...

[Osama Pjama]

I just found this forum, and just want to say how much it has helped.

 

I am almost a year into a relationship with a woman who is a drunk, a blackout drunk...alcoholic? There is much about us that is amazing and great, but when she goes too far, well, not only does she go too far but she doesn't remember..,anything.

 

So this last weekend we had a bad experience, and I'm in holding pattern of non-communication because we can't move a single step forward till she admits her problem, really, apologizes for her behavior, really, and commits to professional help.

 

The monster is the feeling I have that she's not strong enough, and that this is the end, and that it sucks.

[Mutley]

Welcome.

 

You might want to post this as new thread.

[Osama Pjama]

double post

[greensleeves]

Welcome to ENA, I agree with mutley that you might want to start a thread on this as you've revived a three year old thread and you'll likely get more responses that way.

 

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is like fighting a losing battle if she won't get help. It sounds like she has serious problems and the verbal abuse will likely get worse. The best thing you can do for someone like this is allow them to hit rock bottom and not enable them. Hopefully when she starts losing people and things that are important to her she'll realize that she has an issue, but until then she's isn't equipped to be part of a healthy relationship.

 

I think you're better to move on with your life because you deserve better than this.

[irishrimp]

You probably know you can't change a person. Well you definitely can't change an alcoholic. They have an addiction. No matter what they say they'll do, change, whatever, they won't unless they really want to. Anytime life gets tough, they are going to turn to alcohol and not you, no matter how much he claims to love you. Alcohol is always going to be put first. My aunt married my uncle full knowing he was an alcoholic. She tried and tried to change him but after 14 years she gave up. He couldn't look after their children, do anything he said he would, forgot about his love for his wife, got 2 DUIs etc. So she finally divorced him. She still wanted to help and thought maybe a divorce without custody of his kids would send a wake up call but it didn't. My uncles' 8 siblings tried doing several interventions for him, but they all failed too. The divorce instead backfired. He drank even more and became very depressed. He was sent to the ER 14 times in 3 years for passing out from overdrinking. He ended up taking his life this past summer from drinking too much. Long story short, please don't get involved with a guy who is alcoholic, or even suspect to be an alcoholic. I have more stories, but none end well.

 

irishrimp

[eros]

A guitardian...a moral authoritive...inquisitive and compassionate...an alcoholic...I am companion to a soul who finds the bottom of several bottles on a daily basis. He has a very defensive nature that originated before this dis ease (alcoholism). His coping mechanisms derailed amougnst the pile of plythe. Recently I started speaking to the irrationality, the unwarranted defense he so frequently wears and of course I became a target for insults. His actions also examine the love he has within him that graces my life. It doesnt mean that the actions out of anger and fear do not hurt me. In fact it has put a wedge in our minds, a trust issue that exist because we hurt and we hurt each other.

[sspin2]

Your post made me cry so hard, my stomach hurt, alot of the posts did. I still love him and miss him terrribly, I wish and hope he will call, it has been over a month since I have spoken with him, one day he just stopped talking to me. I have no idea why. He would make up things, like if I did something out of the ordinary he would turn it into I was cheating on him, he knew I wasnt because I was with him all the time, except when i was with my kids, mostly taking them to and from school and activities and then I would come straight home to him. I was recently divorced so my ex and I shared custody, but every moment I wasn't with my kids I was with him... anyway he always seemed to want to keep me on the edge, like I could be kicked to the curb, if I didn't do everything he said. I loved him and I was willing to do anything to prove it to him...Intellilectually I knew what he was doing. But I loved him so much I didn;t mind proving it to him by always being there. My g/f are so mad at him and are so tired of me pining for him.....since I get that he is a full blown alcoholic, proabably in stage four where he needs it just to get through the day and drinks constantly like some people sip wine he sips gin. I was in such denial.... I wanted to take care of him and so that makes me co dependent....why cant it be that I just loved him...... I am expected to get over him now.........he is an alcoholic and is not deserving on my time, tears and love ....so my g/f say. I cry everyday and even though I know how bad it is,,,,, i still want to talk to him and my g/f are terrified I would go back with him....... am I usual a strong person and I have self esteem but just because I fell in love with this man. and cant get over him in a snap.....then I am the one with issues now. What is wrong with me

[sspin2]

You have probably moved on since you wrote this years ago,,, but I recently broke up with my b/f and it is almost exactly like your story,,mine 2 was intense for almost 2 yrs I am devastated and struggle each day to move forward...... I wish he would call me but i am told he did me a favor,,,,, i dont need him to call me and all those other things your g/f say to help you... but it has only been a month and it is all I can do not to call him so I just cry and am told that I am a fool for loving him.....how long did it take you to get over him

[lavenderdove]

^^

Sspin2, why don't you start your own thread and tell your story? You will get more responses if you start a new thread.

 

Alcoholics are notorious for making booze their one true love, and other people in their lives just to recognize that as long as the alcoholic is drinking, they are just not emotionally available to be in a relationship, and they are also being incredibly selfish and care more about the booze than the impact of their drinking on themselves and the people around them. They will basically use up and spit out everyone around them in service to their addiction.

 

You are hooked on the drama and the hope that one day he will quit, but by being there always caring and taking care of him no matter how badly he treats you, you are actually contributing to his addiction by enabling himself. Many alcoholics will only clean up when they lose everything, and many will never clean up and would rather die with a bottle in their hand than stop.

 

Your best bet is to get some counseling to try to understand why you are so willing to destroy your own life and goals to try to stay with someone who abuses or ignores you. That is about love, it is about dependency and fear of being alone, which a therapist could address for you.

[Allie1970]

I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. He is not the typical alcoholic though. He has a great job and makes good money.

He is a binge drinker so he can go for periods without drinking....BUT not for very long. He is actively going to AA and had a sponsor. He "relapses" about every 3 - 4 weeks. We do not live together and I will NOT live with him until he has been sober for a good length of time.

He knows and admits that he is an alcoholic, and is trying to get his crap together.....

He (we) had a very bad month together in April, 2011. He got quite serious about the meetings etc. at this time, but has relapsed 5 times since then. He varies from drinking for one night to drinking for 6 days. I am going to AlAnon as well as seeing an addictions councellor.

He feels very guilty and ashamed......and he is never abusive....physically or emotionally. He gets very emotional when he drinks.....cries alot and says he feels like he is losing me. I tell him that he is losing me. He holds down a great job as stated previously and treats me pretty darn well.....until the drinking starts and he disapprears from my life. He is a shut in drinker, never out at the bars or anything....not sure which is worse.....out at the bars etc. drinking, or home all alone drinking??....

For the past month I have been a very angry person (towards him), and I am not that usually.

What are the chances that he will continue with the help he is seeking right now, and what are the chances that I will regain my sanity????

[ozma777]

Hi Alie1970--the chances that he will continue with help are small. but until he has one year sober plus weekly therapy youre just spinning your wheels in hell.