feeling shame and ashamed

[teacup]

i've been feeling waves and waves of shame and regret lately. when i think about all the ppl i have let disrespect me, push me around, pressure me, hurt me, use me, i feel intense shame and selfblame. i wasnt assertive enough to stand up for myself. i was too used to being "nice" and doing what i was told to do. i was easily brainwashed and didnt have my own selfrespect, selfdiscipline, my own identity and presense.

 

this made me vulnerable to abusers and disrespectful ppl...they sensed someone who was vulnerable, weak, struggling through something hurtful and deep. and they preyed on me like wolves sensing a dying lamb.

 

it is with much regret, selfpity, selfblame, disgust, and shame that i say this. i cant get rid of these horrible feelings. the memories feed on my mind and wound me, it hurts and pains me.

 

but i can also say that from now on till the end of time, no matter what, i will never ever let another person disrespect me, put me down or harm me again without my consent. i will stand up for myself, i will run from them, i will do what it takes to protect my very own self, dignity and soul at all costs. amen. i will always stand up for myself or disengage from abusive ppl completely. i will never willingly or purposely blind myself again.

[sweetheart230]

I can identify. Last year, I was involved with someone emotionally abusive who played games with my feelings. And after time away, he promised he'd changed only to hurt me again.

 

I went from loving him, to hating him, to thinking it was my own fault he treated me badly, to hating myself for letting him treat me this way, to feeling used up, angry, depressed, and all the while missing him like crazy. He once told me that I made it so easy for him, that i was "easy prey". I would remember some of the things he said and did to me and just cry and want to die. I thought I'd never be happy again. But I'm healing now.

 

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You made some mistakes. There are bad people in the world who take advantage of vulnerability. Not everyone is bad. These bad feelings--- they will go away. That's the thing about feelings. They fade away, even the really hurtful ones.

 

Life is too short. These feelings won't go away right away, but they will begin to get weaker and weaker. I've had some bad men hurt me, but I've learned from all my experience and I know it will be better from now on. It will be better for you, too, if you let it. I'd say work on yourself and being happy. Find out what makes you happy, maybe try counselling. Move forward. These men aren't worth your time or thought. They are losers. You are not.

 

I felt ashamed of some of my past behavior, too. I thought I'd never stop hating him or myself. Sometimes, it just takes time and things have to run their course. Make new friends, get involved with things that you enjoy...it will keep your mind off of your problems, and then suddenly you'll realize that those bad feelings are hardly there anymore.

[teacup]

thanks sweetheart320. i really identified with what you wrote. i think that's a good point that feelings fade because i really do hate myself and feel so disgusted at who i have become and who i have let in my life.

 

but if feelings go away, how about memories? i want the bad memories to stop haunting me and destroying me from within too.

[sweetheart230]

You have to make the decision to stop hating yourself and being disgusted with yourself. Its so easy to stay in that cycle, but it hurts so much, too. You should be proud of yourself for getting out of those bad situations, and happy that because you went through this, you know better than to ever do that to yourself again.

 

I have horrible memories, too. I got used by immature boys...one of which took my virginity when I was blacked out drunk. My ex told me he wasn't attracted to me one night and that he had been screwing his ex girlfriend the night before when he stood me up. The first time we had sex, it hurt so bad that I started shaking and I made him stop..then he asked for a blow job (which i didn't do), and when it was all over, he just left me all alone. I can't count the times he made me cry or the promises he broke.

 

A couple months ago, I thought I could never forget those things. I thought I'd never want intimacy with another man forever. I thought no man would even want me again and that maybe it was never going to get any better. But memories fade, too. We can't avoid pain, but we can rise above it, heal from it. Sometimes we just have to cry to let it out, but then we realize that those horrible men in our past are pitiful. They will never be happy. We will be happy if we let ourselves move on.

 

I'll never forget those things. But what has helped me move on from it was, when a memory like that would pop up, rather than letting it cut through me like it usually did, I started to think about how much better it would be from now on. How the next man in my life would stop when I said stop, take his time. How the next time someone said bad things to me, I would hang up the phone or walk away.

 

The past is the past. It's gone. When you learn that you can control the "now". You will make new memories, one that will make the old ones an afterthought.