He's HERE, But I'm ALL ALONE!!!!

[VERACRUZBLUE]

I am in a new marriage. Before the marriage, my partner was attentive, loving, and kind. Now, less than a month into the marriage, I feel as if I have no partner.

 

I work as a nurse from 2:30pm-11:30pm. That means I am gone about 9 hours a day - hours that he is free to spend as he wishes. I do come home for lunch for 30 minutes during that time. When I get home after a long day of standing on my feet, I am exhausted. I take about an hour to an hour and a half to wind down, and usually go to bed/fall asleep at 1am. Going to bed this late, I usually sleep until 9 or 10 in the morning.

 

Between that timr 9am/10am and the time I have to go back to work (2pm), I take care of things that need to be done during business hours.

 

My problem is that my husband goes to sleep in the MORNING (between 7-9am), just as I am waking up, and is asleep when I leave for work. He stays awake the entire time I am at work, and we have only an hour or so to spend together before I head to bed and he heads to the computer. He stays up all night on the computer and comes to bed just as I am getting of bed.

 

We still have sex and he is still kind, honest, and loving. However, I want him in bed with me at night and awake with me at least some during the day. It makes for lonely nights laying in bed knowing the man you love is in the other room doing god knows what on a computer.

 

I lay in bed and cry from lonliness. He says it's not about the sex or not wanting to be with me, but because of his erratic sleep schedule and night owl hours.

 

I say I CAN'T adjust my work hours, am entitled to want to sleep at night after a long day nursing, and that he should/could adjust his sleeping schedule so that we can not only SLEEP TOGETHER, but have some waking time together as well.

 

He says I knew about his sleep difificulties and computer addiction before we were married, and so I should not be shocked or upset.

 

He doesn't seem to understand how sad and lonely this makes me.

 

Please, GUYS AND GIRLS, tell me what's going on and whether I have a right to want my husband in bed beside me at night and awake at least part of the time during the day when I am home to enjoy his company. I suggested seeing a doctor or a sleep clinic - he says he's beyond help.

 

I installed a keylogger (which I regret) because I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing on the computer for 8-10 hours at at time. He found out and now I'm the bad guy. We have a couples counseling appointment coming up with a noted psychologist, but in the meantime I'm hurt, confused, and lonely.

[Scout]

No offense, but I guess I have to say my first thought also was, didn't she know this about him before they got married?

 

Did he make an effort before you two married to keep a more similar sleep schedule as you? How did you two manage time together before?

[RayKay]

I too have to ask.....did you not know this before you were married? He is correct in that you DID know about his habits beforehand, and you cannot really go into marriage thinking that problems that were there before are going to change afterwards...in fact they tend to exaberate even more most of the time.

 

If you did know, I am not sure what you expected when you did get married, if he was not this way, well, I am not sure what to say. I think couples counselling is a good idea, though it is very hard to change someone's cycle that easily.

 

Does he work?

 

Did you not live together before marriage?

 

Lifestyle compatibility is important, so again, not sure how this was missed!

[Darketernal]

A job change will do miracles for you. Partners need to be 'tuned' into eachother. You haven't married your husband in order to become lonely, and you will have to use brute force to change how things are going now. You have the right to be with your husband, you will have to fight for it to be with him. It might will make you look like a badass woman, but i wouldn't hesitate to go to 'great' lenghts in order to get my partner back.

[LiquidCherry]

Hmm.. Yeah, I don't know how you missed this.. My mom dated a man who was an alcoholic. When she wanted him to stop drinking he said, "What did you expect, you met me at a bar." ANYHOW..

 

I go to school in the morning and afternoon. My boyfriend works third shift so our scheduals are very similar to yours and your husbands. I totally understand not wanting to be in bed alone and having a nice warm body to fall asleep with.

 

My boyfriend will almost always lay down with me and spoon me until I fall asleep. After that he'll play his computer games or whatever until it's time for him to go to sleep. He'll get into bed, I'll wake up, and then I'll lay down with him until it's time for me to go. (This is on the weekends in my case of course but I don't see why your hubby couldn't lay down with you even just for a little bit.)

[Shadows Light]

He caught on to the keylogger?? hmmmm. So, he was looking for it.

 

I'm with everyone else? Did you live together before you were married?

 

Not to beat you up on the subject. But thinking you will add spit and polish to them once you are "MARRIED" rarely ever works. god I know this first hand. ugggghhh.

 

Marriage is about compromise. YES.. you should not be lonely and in a relationship. Know this one well also. He's NOT willing to come to any compromising solutions or validate your feelings. Can he not curtail "SOME" of his computer time???? Saying he is beyond help..is just brushing it under the rug.

 

I think going to a marriage counselor is a great idea.

 

I had a GF who... got inovolved on/line. To save her marriage and protect herself from falling from grace again.. she's had the internet turned OFF. Mind you.. this was HER decision in dealing with her addiction.