how to move on????

[usedand abused]

hi there,

 

I was in a relationship for ten years , engaged and very happy .Soon after our engagement he started acting different - moody, not as loving etc.

When I confronted him about it he told me he was finding dealing with the fact he was abused as a child very difficult but assured me he loved me e.t.c. and wanted to sort it out before we married.

I agreed and offered him support ,love ,space when required and even made exscuses blaming me when asked for a wedding date.

Some time later he started critising our sex life and that he wasnt happy with it and was reluctant to marry me because of this .

Shocked and upset I asked him to see a councellor (he went for two sessions only) and things were much better or so i thought.

Nearly three and half years after our engagement I received a call from a friend saying he was having an affair so i kicked him out.

I am finding it all hard to deal with and get over - ireally loved him and feel completely betrayed, made a fool of and completely stupid for not even thinking he could be cheating.

Any advice on how to move or what to think about what hes done would be welcome .Still getting my head around it all

Since then I found out there were many other women.

[luciddreamer]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. Ten years is a long time, but then again we're supposedly living til 100, so don't feel like you've thrown away your life.

Did he make other attempts to deal with childhood issues or did they haunt him often in an unchecked way? Why were you two engaged almost 4 years... were there frequent problems that made you put it off til calmer times?

[nowaysis]

I found myself in a very similar situation

 

 

It will take time for you to deal with this, you'll have good days and bad days but hopefully over time the good days will become more frequent than the bad.

There does seem to be a connection between being abused as a youngster and cheating as an adult. I felt all of the things you mentioned "completely betrayed, made a fool of and completely stupid for not even thinking he could be cheating"

It's been 2 months of no contact for me now and to have someone by your side for 12 years and then suddenly disappear after theoretically sticking the knife in your heart and twisting it around is going to be hard for anyone to take but you must let time take it's course...as hard as that is sometimes.

 

Try to think of a time in the past when you were dissappointed, angry or worried, at the time it may have felt that the world was coming to an end but looking back now time will have distanced those feelings from the incident and you can now recall the memories without feeling the pain.

Just an example of how time does cure.

I still think about her most of the time but I am getting on with my life and trying to accept what she's done rather than trying to work out why/how she could etc

Talk about him, the situation, your pain for as long as it takes for you to get bored of hearing about it.

I hope you have friends and family around you as that will make it easier for you.

Hopefully for you and me karma will eventually work it's magic!!!

 

If you feel like PM'ing me feel free

 

Good luck girl

[darkblue]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

One thing that is a must, before attempting to move on, is to realise that this was HIS problem and HIS fault. You did NOTHING wrong in that relationship.

He blamed you to keep you in the dark - so he could have his cake and eat it, too.

 

Take some time out to reflect on what a sheer jerk this man was, and get on your own feet.

You did not deserve that, and there will be someone who will love you for who you are.

 

Even when you were suffering from his problems, you did everything within your power to help him - that says a lot about YOU.

You are a loving, committed, warm person. And one day, you will find a man who is worthy of you, and who has your values, too.

 

Take care.

[usedand abused]

hi there

Thanks for your comments .

He did and he did not want to deal with his past .To be honest, now in hinsight I see he used it as a reason to get away with what he wanted to do and hoped if he ever got caught he could use my compassion in order for us to stay together .I was away for the weekend when I found out about his affair from a friend .He had his mother over at the time in our flat and when I rang to ask him about it he wouldnt speak to me and asked his Mum to answer the phone to me - so I told her. When she confronted him about what I said (she was like a mum to me too)he told her all about the abuse .I had being trying to get him to tell her for two years and I really bellieve he only told her to divert the attention away from what happened between us.

[usedand abused]

Initially when we go engaged - he didnt have a ring We had talked about it and It was never something that was really important to me but he seemed to really want to .He asked spontanously me on my 30th and I said yea and we were both thrilled. We were planning to buy a house together the following year so we agreed to wait till then to get the ring and organise everything .We bought another property and two years later we flew to New york (Concorde - airline concessions)stayed in the Waldorf Estoria suit etc and were supposed to be going to Iceland after but flights were full .My ex wanted it to be memorable and romantic and only the best would do so we waited for two years until it was feasible . Of course I thought it was lovely of him but im easy going about stuff and I didnt need for him to make such a fuss.(but I wasnt complaining and we had a tough year with all his moods)When we came home however, I got the feeling he wanted to be engaged but not engaged to be married. He didnt want to make any plans at all .This all sounds confusing and thats exactly what it feels to me too so sorry.

[usedand abused]

Thanks nowaysis for all your kind words.

I agree after a long time together its really hard .The worst thing is that even after you are treated so in humanly by a supposed best friend and should and do in ways detest them - there is also a part of you that still loves them .I suppose you cant just switch off over night after years together.

[usedand abused]

Thanks Darkblue ,

Funny all my male friends take your attitude (a jerk) and females focus on the abuse part and feel bad for me but sorry for him .Have to say what I have learnt from this is to get advice on males from males.

[yeawutever]

Poor guy, he's a LOSERRRRRRRRR, nobody made him go off the relation, it's not like someone pointed a gun on him and told him to cheat, he made the choice. He did right in throwing his behind.