Really Struggling Today

[curlygirl47]

I really really want to express my need to see my ex at this point. I know that he would come for a visit if I asked, but I know that also weakens and verifies my position as the dumpee. So I'm trying to hold strong. The other strong temptation I have is to call someone who would like a relationship with me, but ultimately I won't be interested in anything long term. I'm not sure I can keep from going one way or the other today. Maybe just writing this out and admitting it will help. I do look forward to going for my 4-mile walk this afternoon; it clears my head and gives me something to do. Normally, I would go out in the evenings, drink a little and socialize, but I'm broke and will be for 8 more days. I've been going out anyway and just having a diet coke or a glass of ice water and at least sitting in a crowd once a day for about 30 minutes to an hour before going home to the lonely lonely hours. No money for new activities, a class, etc. right now.

[jl301]

Hey curly,

 

I know how difficult "NC" because many of us are going through the same thing right now. We seek for affection whether is from our ex's or someone else. Sometime we wonder if all this pain would ever go away. I glad to hear that you are not just sitting at home soaking in this pain. Do whatever takes to take your mind off this subject. Hang in there and be strong for yourself.

 

jl301

[curlygirl47]

This is the worst day yet, I think. I slept very little last night, and all my old hurts came falling on me at once, on top of the current one. All my own mistakes, the times I hurt people, etc. I guess I'm reaping what I've sowed, but I swear all I ever wanted was the love I needed, and I don't think I've ever been cruel or failed to respond when someone needed me. No, that's not true. My ex-husband was suffering very much about a month after we split, and I remember him saying to me, "This is a nightmare" and wanting me to spend the night. I wouldn't do it. Oh, it hurts so much to realize how terribly he must have been suffering at that time --- we had been together 10 years, and I'm about to go over the edge over a 4-month relationship. What goes around comes around. I'll have to try to remember that at that time I did not mean to be cruel, but I was dead set on walking away and I had all this new-found freedom. It was only later that the regret and guilt and pain on his behalf set in. It's still here today, 8 years later. And I did love him, and do love him. I just didn't see our problems working out. I don't know if I'll ever fully forgive myself for hurting him. So, anyway. I guess I need to bite the bullet and realize that I'm on the receiving end of this thing again, and it stinks. Okay, I'm about to leave work in 15 minutes, and if I haven't broken down and called my current ex by then, I probably won't because my cell phone is out of service. I'll go for my walk and try to sleep for a little while, watch a movie or something.

[jl301]

remember no one is perfect and that what ever happen in the past, let it go. I know is really diffcult to do. Know that you can't do anything about the past however you sure could charge what happens now and what lies ahead. I believe when you fall in love with someone and that you will always love them for the rest of your life. They were someone special that made us happy, laugh, and cry. We will always treasure the special memories that we had with them. Hang in there and get some sleep.

 

jl301

[photomo]

...I'm struggling too, on day 14 of NC. What makes it worse is that I have just had my weekly Spanish lesson at the language school where she is receptionist...and I have to walk past her desk and see her handwriting...and that's like seeing a ghost...you know there's someone there, but you can't see them.

 

My lessons never used to be at the place where she works....Only fate could make it possible for my teacher to move the lessons to the place where she works *after* we broke up.....I'd love to say it's a sign that we are meant to be together, and fate is making sure we stay close.....but then I don't want to get my hopes up by reading into things....

[cinderella jones]

I know how you feel...I was in a relationship for about 3 years ..lived with that person for about two and we broke up on and off...a lot of drama...now sometimes i sit here and wonder why it is I still think of him...he hurt me badly...and when we broke up I hurt him by being vindictive even though I was officially single..I know I did that out of anger..but latino men especially can't get over things like that...now I am in another relationship...but miss my old one at times when i think about the fun moments we had....and now I feel like a dummy because he turned the tables on me and just stopped trying to come after me....but didn't give me that final good bye..leaving me hanging with confusion....I hate him for that..but realized that games will get you no where...truth is..it is really hard to move on...but you have to remain strong for your own sanity..i am trying my best and try to practice being alone..and not just lean all over the new man I am seeing...but it is hard...I think sometimes you really have to keep in mind why it didn't work and then decide if that person is worth worrygin over...and losing sleep over...everything is a two way street...you were not ready at the time because you had a right not to be ready....if God wants you guys together eventually you both will findone another again...otherwise ..look forward to falling for someone else who is great...mayeb the new man will bring out the best in you...stay strong!...I am in the same position...

[photomo]

...and now I feel like a dummy because he turned the tables on me and just stopped trying to come after me....but didn't give me that final good bye..leaving me hanging with confusion....I hate him for that.....

 

Did he leave you, or did you leave him? If you left him, do you really expect a final goodbye? My ex broke up with me nearly 4 months ago, and I've told her I'd hang on until the end of March, albeit in NC. I told her that if I hear nothing from her by the end of March, I would come and collect my stuff and say a final goodbye......but now I'm considering getting a mate to collect my stuff....why should I be the one to bite the bullet and say a final goodbye? What good would it do?

[curlygirl47]

I think. I did get a little sleep last night, with the help of some cognac and some herbal stuff --- but I had some bad patches throughout the night and again this morning. Part of what is happening is that I alternate between hope and despair, and when I have hope, I am happier, obviously. Last night I felt a strong sense that my ex misses me, regardless of what he is doing to fill his time, and that he is wondering where I am and what I am doing. And it comforted me to know that. We were happy together, and he knows it. Today, however, has got to be about ME, and I've got a lot of work to do. I haven't really been doing any work at work for a while now because I haven't been able to concentrate on anything but this relationship and my loss. Yesterday, I did catch up on some filing, and I'm going to do some more today. Life MUST go on, even if slowly and painfully. I WILL feel better eventually, one way or the other. Next Monday I will see the doc and get some help with the sleeping and mood problems. Yesterday, my friend who is also a counselor called the doc and asked that I be seen earlier than my scheduled appointment because she was worried about the severe level of my depression and crying spells, etc., so maybe I'll see her sooner that next week. I could sure use the help, especially with sleeping.