Dumped after 2 years, confused with her actions

[moosarm]

Hey everyone,

 

Brand new to these forums, thanks a lot for your reads and replies; this is a great place.

 

My story is that my ex-girlfriend and I met out of very tragic circumstances, at a very young age. I was in grade 10 and she was in grade 8, and her sister died suddenly in a tragic car accident - I was good friends with her sister. As time passed, we became friends but we both knew immediately that there was an attraction between us, and so we talked, we flirted, it was one of those young puppy love relationships. I was always there for her when she was down, and I was proud to be there for her too.

 

She was really clean too, great looking, didn't drink (never saw the point in it, never into that hardcore partying) and just a sweet person. We started dating when I was in grade 12, she was in grade 10, and we had a great time.

 

I suppose that routine 'lump' hit the relationship and she did some regrettable things - she befriended a guy she met at a camp and they started getting a bit too friendly - they ended up 'dancing' together at a dance (by this time, she was grade 12 and I was 2nd year Uni) and I heard bad things through the grapevine. Well I confronted her, she confessed and I immediately dumped her, and she couldn't understand why - yeah, she flirted extensively with a guy but didn't get why I would toss away such a long and deep relationship.

 

Needless to say, I was devastated and so was she. I wouldn't go back, and she did a lot of things to get me back - apologized endlessly, wrote me letters, always tried to be where I was, made me gifts, etc. A few months rolled around and I was convinced she had changed, I took her back. ](*,)

 

So things were good, but simultaneously it was her grade 12 year and she was beginning to see that there were other people in the world other than me. At the same time, I was accepted into a really prestigious law school overseas and I was torn on my decision to leave or not - stupidly enough, she factored into my decision.

 

Summer went by and things were alright, we hit a few more bricks concerning her trust, yet again, but we worked through them. She was nervous to tell me she had been invited to go to a grad ceremony with a guy we both knew, and I had to hear it through someone else, I was pissed but we argued it out and got it off our chests. By this time, I'm going into third year and she's going into first year - at the same univ.

 

I went on vacation to Toronto for 10 days, and prior to leaving everything was dandy. While in TO, I called her a few times and she acted really distant and shady over the phone, very irregular. Over my trip I was supposed to call my school overseas and see if I could defer entry, I found out I couldn't. I called her one day and the first question she asked me was "did you call them?" and I told her I had, and the answer was no. We talked, it was fine, but it seriously felt the relationship was drawing to an end because I knew I'd have to leave.

 

Then, I got back home, I saw her, she hugged me, kissed me and missed me. But it was dangerously close to me making my decision final and we both knew that I would be leaning towards leaving.

 

She started acting distant again, really shady and basically stopped acting enthusiastic at all upon my phone calls. Then, boom, one day I confronted her and she ended it - she had "lost the spark".

 

So, through a total of about 5 years, it was done. It was horrible and she acted like she didn't care. I was a wreck so I obviously called her immediately after her wonderful breakup EMAIL, and she said "I've made my decision, maybe we can be friends later, but for now it's done" and well, yeah.

 

I ended up not going overseas. I think the damage was too harsh. A week after breaking up I called her and met up with her in person, gave her a long poem and tried to see if there was anything there, she was totally unafflicted - it killed me. She said "things might change in the future, but for now I've made my decision". So she obviously left room.

 

Well, I had to cut contact from the advice of a friend, and school started soon after. We ran into eachother a few times, but nothing more than a little conversation. I saw her having lunch with an acquaintance of mine which really bit, but I got over that and I was alright.

 

By birthday rolled around, I turned 20, this was in Nov. last year. To my surprise, she met up with me, gave me a little nice card, and started trying to rekindle our friendship. She studied with me, and broke down crying randomly becuase she listened to a song that reminded her of me. She kept bringing up past memories, flirting with me and claimed she had "made a mistake". One day in the library she felt so comfortable with me she left her arm around my shoulder and just stood there. I pulled away. She wanted to meet me in person and talk things out, actually "work things out". I obviously took that as she wanted to get back together. She said "but if we do end up working things out, would it be weird?" So I mean, I took things badly. I was excited that she wanted to work things out but I was unsure too.

 

Finally, I asked her what was up and she said she just wanted to be friends and enjoyed what we had. I said, but all that flirting and memories, what was that? she claimed she just missed what we had and made a mistake. I immediately right there cut contact with her and said we can't do this, not now. She was upset but said fine.

 

Since then, we only talk when we see eachother. However, a few weeks ago, I was in my class and saw her best friend in it too, and soon afterwards my ex transferred into the class, so now I have to see her thrice a week. It's tough. I don't want to smalltalk and be friends, she seems to want to.

 

My friends think she's just staying in my face as much as possible in order to make me not forget her, while she goes out and has her fun, so that I'm on reserve or something. I hate smalltalking and I don't want to be friends with her - she's changed. She gets drunk now, flirts with guys, and I have to be victim to see it. I'm not sure how to act, and I just want to know if any of you can make sense of this. Thanks so much. I'm so sorry about the long read.

[karen95]

If you don't want to be friends with her you will just have to explain this to her. if you feel that you cannot do it face to face try writing an email to her or something. Just try NC, and when you are in the same class is it possible to sit away from her

 

with regards to her drinking and flirting with other guys there is not much that you can do about that as she is not your girlfriend anymore. i know what it feels like though - its horrible would you be able to avoid where she socializes, and avoid her as much as possible. i know that this is probably harder for you, because even if you do NC you will still have to see her in class etc.

[newts]

Moosarm, Welcome to enotalone.

 

I really feel for you having to see the transformation of a women who use to be so sweet and innocent, unfortunately we do change over time and we need to experience different things in life to work out who we really want to be.

 

This sounds like the classic case of first love, I am sure all the memories of you do upset her, however, she seems to be enjoying her new found freedom.

 

I remember I was once like this girl, so sweet and innocent and when exposed to uni, I found I really wanted to be part of the excitment and enjoy my youth. About 2 years after uni I started being the person I was, I just needed to get the silliness and fun factor out of my skin.

 

I think calling it quits at this time is the best option for you at the moment and you never know, in a couple of years you may get back together or even give her the friendship she currently wants from you.

 

It's hard having to see somebody you still love flaunt her new self in front of you, just remember, be cool, polite and short and sweet and just get on with your own life. This is her life currently and you just have to let her live it.

 

I like the saying " If you love something set it free, if it was meant to be it will come back.

 

Good luck with your studies and your career.

[RandomAdvisor]

I think you need to be very stern and consistent when dealing with her in person. When she approaches you and tries to make small talk, you should say something along the lines of "I've already told you I don't want to be friends," and the conversation should end there. Period. It shouldn't take her long to get the message.

 

Seeing her in your class is going to be a real pain. Is it at all possible for you to transfer out? Perhaps you can get into a different section of the same class with the same professor.

[Ghostrider4042005]

oh dude you are EXTREMELY forgiving which is good in a person she's obviously still into you so there's hope for you she's just trying to jealous you off and make you crack but if you stay strong n realize there ARE other people out there BETTER people for you try to find them n she's just like every girl i've been close to just get up and leave and try to come back i'm a strong believer in second chances but no more than that but right now NC is the only way to go man best of luck to you

[moosarm]

Thanks for all the replies! They really helped.

 

Update: Well I still see her every class but I avoid her at all costs, if I can get away without saying hi, I do my very best to. I think she's got the message because she doesn't try anymore to say hello - fine by me. I guess that's the only way to go!

[RandomAdvisor]

Glad to hear things are working out.

[moosarm]

I'm not sure I'm too satisfied with it though but oh well. I keep telling myself even if there IS a possibility down the road, it's best we break now and see other people before it comes back, but I don't know - seeing her is hella tough.

 

Her birthday is rolling around next week - should I email a Happy Birthday?

[Ghostrider4042005]

the more you think about her adn wanting her back the more she's going to kill you so move on with your life man n me i wouldn't send her one cuz it might just make her miss you (but dont' get your hopes really high just a thought)

[The door mat]

Im sorry about what is going on with you but i would also like you to know that you are not alone on this one. I also have a ex that i was best friends with for 7-8 years and we were together for 5 years and he does all the same to me and he was not into the drinking and flirting but now is. My advice to you is to try to sit away from he in that class or se if that class is available at a different time of different day so you wont have to be in the same class with her. If you give her the small talk and be nice then they know that they have the advantage and they keep realing you right back in. I think the reason for her going out and drinking and flirting is a phase that they go through she was wuth you when she was really young and now wants to see what single life is like but i would not get too worried about it. It gets old after a while( my ex did the same thing) But my mistake is i kept going back to my ex and it only kmade things harder so please stick to your guns... pay no attention to her ..thats what shes looking for from you.she wants you to be her bait so do yourself a cut the string.....

[dstanzler]

My god. Same situation here. Its nice to be in the same company.

 

My ex is doing the drinking / flirting phase and now with the invent of link removed and link removed -- you get to experience the grief first hand.

 

Our roles are different though I am the one who wants to be her friend and she is the one who doesn't want to make the small talk.

 

It's a damn hard position to be in. I used to vent my * * * off to my friends and to just about everyone but I found a pretty good solution.

 

1. Develop patience. When you feel the pain or despair just surface it to your chest. Don't think about it just feel it.

 

2. Meditate. All the time. It really helps me think of good stuff versus the painful.

 

Single life sucks. Esp when youre first love is out there being a sexy little flirt and youre sitting at home patiently working on your own stuff.

 

I don't party. Seriously seeing my ex drink and party is shocking. It also makes it harder for me to meet new women hehe.

 

Just be cool man and be strong. And hope-- nothing wrong with that.

 

Dave

[jinxz]

man i know how you feel, im in a similar situation myself and its difficult, you almost wish you could just pick up and move your life somewhere else so that you wouldnt have to be confronted each day with visual and mental representation of painful memories and things such as her getting drunk and flirting, my ex has also turned into one of those 'party girls' and its really difficult sidelining in a game like this. im just trying to focus as best i can on school and start constructing a solid and happy future for myself, and i wish you luck in the same thing!