Something that's been bothering me

[DiscipleOfChange]

For quite a long time, I've been of the opinion that physical appearance plays a large role in attraction and I might even add that it plays an essetial role in developing a relationship. I still stick to that position but I don't like it. I suppose this stems from a current situation of mine which I'll discus in brief here:

 

Basically there's this girl I've been hanging out with a fair bit recently whom I started talking with in Emails and over the phone over break. We're completely friends by any standards and I 'm not saying a relationship is developing or anything. I don't know exactly.

 

Anyways, what I can't stand, what I hate about myself is that I'm beginning to think that I'm not attracted to her physically. She's a great person and we get along just fine and talk and all. It isn't even really an issue since we're just friends right now. I just hate the fact that the only real thing that would keep me from easily developing something with her is that I'm not attracted to her physically.

 

I'd appreciate any advice, comments or suggestions people have.

 

Thanks

[DN]

It is a factor for many people and is not shallow, it's a part of the mating process - anthropologists can explain it. What is interesting is that physical attraction can actually be acquired through friendship. Someone you were not initially attracted to can suddenly become desirable. But if the attraction is not there you cannot force it.

[serve_the_people]

Relationship should be based on intimate friendship, not physical attractions. Physical attraction waxes and wanes like the moon. Thats why it's better to be friends first.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I have to agree with serve_the_people, if you develope a relationship on an psychological level its going to be more fulfilling. Physical aspects of your mate should remain secondary. Your not going to be able to base a long term relationship on the fact you mate has a cute nose. Physical beauty is a fleeting and fallacious judge of a persons true value. If you could see this person 20 or 30 years from now, their face isn't going to be the same, but hopefully their heart will.

[Miss M]

Anyways, what I can't stand, what I hate about myself is that I'm beginning to think that I'm not attracted to her physically. She's a great person and we get along just fine and talk and all. It isn't even really an issue since we're just friends right now. I just hate the fact that the only real thing that would keep me from easily developing something with her is that I'm not attracted to her physically.

I think you can't help who you are NOT attracted to, and it's definitely not a reason to hate yourself. I have a different perspective. What usually attracts me to a guy is not what usually attracts most women. Looks aren't a high priority with me, and I'm much more into what's inside. But there have been times when I really liked a guy's personality, but was just not feeling anything romantic. Sometimes it's a strange feeling when all logic tells me that everything else is there except that certain "feeling" of attractiveness. Yeah, it's a puzzle that makes me stop and ponder, but I don't hate myself for it. It's just one of those odd things... but really, don't use it as a reason to beat yourself up. She's just not the right one for you, for whatever reason.

[ducky]

Well don't blame yourself! It's how you see things actually.

 

Personally, I'll only settle for someone

(i) I am physically attracted to

(ii) I sense chemistry with

 

To me, looks rank as high on my list as other factors like maturity, intelligence, personality, etc. And I don't think this makes me a shallow person.

 

Ultimately, it's all about finding a person you really like, and if physical attraction is important to you, then by all means, go ahead.