Confused prt2

[Alperionce]

Hey to all.

 

I wrote a introduction to the breakup that I had, and to sum it up for the new readers. After six monthes of relationship, 2hours long distance at university. We broke up a couple days before christmas due to "me time". Thats what she needed. She didn't want help, she needed to figure herself out. She has constant issues financially, work, car related that was building up and she couldn't handle a relationship with me.

 

//Update

 

Basically I keep telling her that I needed closure and it was my time to move on. I wanted my things from her. And I did tell her that I wanted to delete her number for the sake of calling her, I should have just kept quiet. I wasn't try to be mean. Anyway, she found out that I was dancing with other girls at a bar. She got really distraught. I was dancing, because it helped me get over my ex, dancing for me is a form of meditation. This isn't really * * * grinding, this is dancing for myself. It washes the pain from my body. I need to do this, but occaisionally I do dance with girls, because its nice to get attention from someone. My ex found out, shes questioning me, part of me wanted her to be jealous, but I didn't think it would be fair. Because part of me wants to make her jealous soooo bad. But, complicating this relationship, if has any chance to work in the long run, AND IF we get back, wont' be helped out with petty desires. So I told her that I was just having fun, and I needed to dance and I happened to find a dance partner. I reassured her that I didn't go with her after the bar.

 

Since we are not seeing one another, she tells me that its none of her business, but she would be hurt if I moved on so fast. She wanted to talk about it, but when we met, she just wanted to know her name. She holds things in so much that its frustrating.

 

I'm initiating any contact for the sole purpose of healing. I told her that since she pushed me away, if you wanna talk, then you have to come to me. I told her that I would be her friend, but I needed space. So she could call me, but we just couldn't hang out. I made a vow, and so I kept it, with out stopping myself from healing.

 

She said that once she felt ready to have a relationship, I would be the first guy to know. She doesn't even give me a time frame which is so unfair. We also said to one another that once we find someone else and are intimate then we can never go back. Bottom line, I don't expect to get back together.

 

Cya people.

[newts]

Well, she can be as jealous as she wants - unfortunatley people move on quickly all the time which does hurt their ex, however, she made the decision to break and it's none of her dam business who your dancing with. I think allow her to call and you not initiating the calls is a great idea, however, if you really want to move on this low contact can play with your thoughts.

[friscodj]

She said that once she felt ready to have a relationship, I would be the first guy to know. She doesn't even give me a time frame which is so unfair.

 

Like a lot of other people on here (including myself), she's trying to use you for comfort. This is extremely selfish on her part, and unfair to you. You don't want this in your life, trust me on that one...

 

Stop playing her game. It's time for you to start calling the shots. Write her off man...you're setting a dangerous precedent to be her "emotional tampon".

[Alperionce]

Thanks for the posts.

 

She emailed me randomly one day. Telling me how she couldn't really sleep and had to write to me.

 

She said she really missed me, and she wanted me to know this. She told me that it was hard for her as well. She didn't ask me back, but She wanted go to dinner with me.

 

I told her it would be okay, I'm certain that I can handle this.

 

The question is, how do I know that shes playing me as an "emotional tampon"?. What if by chance, she wasn't. I want to know the whole truth, even if it hurts. I must know. So that when I leave, or end the relationship completely, I would give her the benefit of me knowing no doubt. You see?

 

The fact is I'm still moving on with my life, maybe not completely, but enough so that I will heal to the point that I can emotionally be stable. I have done this.

 

Thanks for your advice and comments, I take all in to consideration.

[friscodj]

The question is, how do I know that shes playing me as an "emotional tampon"?. What if by chance, she wasn't. I want to know the whole truth, even if it hurts. I must know. So that when I leave, or end the relationship completely, I would give her the benefit of me knowing no doubt. You see?

 

I see, I see. The only way, is to have a serious talk with her, lay it all out there. If your feelings are deeper than hers and/or she seems distant...then you're the tampon...

[Alperionce]

That could be a problem for me. My ex is the type to not talk about her problems, and I'm the opposite. I like to talk about my problems, to get them aired out. Her dad died when she was just about to begin highschool. She has also been adopted. The fact is she sometimes doesn't feel she belongs to anyone.

 

She told me that she couldn't handle a relationship from me, or anyone else. I believe her. I sent an email to her explaining that maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to meet up for dinner because she didn't even respond to my email asking if it were going to be this week or the next. She did verbally tell me next week, however she didn't even respond to the email at all, even when I specifically asked her. Just to make sure when we would go out and eat. So I told her that the plans were wishy washy, and maybe it would be best if we didn't go out and eat. I told her that I might see her this summer.

 

I really hate it when people don't reply back a simple email. At this point I want a yes/no on everything. Her mindset is able to do that because shes so emotinally suppressed. Thats the frustrating part.

 

The real question how to know the difference of being a tampon, or if she really is shutting down and can't have deeper feelings at the moment.

 

I want to have a serious talk with her, but she doesn't want to deal with it, she told me that she couldn't. So its so frustrating when you have someone that wants to suppress, and the other express.

 

I'm not going to push. I can't.

[friscodj]

Alperionce-

 

These are her issues and not yours. She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend, as harsh as that sounds. Perhaps you should suggest she look into that?

[Alperionce]

I already have. I even told her at one point that if she needed someone that I would support her. To me, that doesn't sound harsh. She needs some objectivity in my life, even if I was a therapist, which i'm not, I'm too caught up, or subjective to help her. I understand that. Its quite hard to let go. I think the only reason why I keep posting is to vent. I'm really not sure of anything. I don't even try to figure her out. It would break my mind. I don't need to be dazed and confused.

 

I at first thought she was depressed, because she said she was discontent. I asked her if she thought that and she said no. She will only get help if she thinks she needs it. I can't force her. So I guess that is why I'm giving her space because it will allow her to figure things out. And this will allow me to help myself.

 

Anyway thanks for the chit chat. I'm kinda glad that I found this place.

[friscodj]

My friend, you have done your best. And throughout your personal journey through grief over this situation, when the going gets really tough, look in the mirror, smile, pat yourself on the back, and remind yourself that you did all you could and your should be proud of that...your job is done! Focus on healing and finding your soulmate!

 

BTW, I hear you about venting. Venting is good...

 

I like this site too. We're all essentially in the same boat...just in different parts of it at different times. There're a lot of wise folks on this site willing to share advice. Good stuff...

[Alperionce]

Another update.

 

 

Basically my ex asked me what my decision was in meeting her for dinner. At this time, I think that she doesn't want to take me to get beck together since she doesn't seem to care to respond to emails, or sitting with me at work. I said no. Its probably an obligation, she feels guilty or something. So I actually told her that I made plans.

 

I work with my ex, shes in a different area, so contact in minimal. She doesnt sit with me until her friend(guy) gets up and goes his way then she gives me her 5 mins by standing next to me and asking whats up.

 

So no contact isn't easy. I'm polite, and civil. Since I declined dinner with her, I'm going back to college soon. So this will be the ultimate form of getting past her and NC all the way. I have done partial no contact (Pnc) which means that she has to contact me, I don't contact her. This can be done for selfish reasons, or the reason that I chose. I chose this way because I can give her space, and myself some space to heal.

 

I can't wait. Partially because I can be under the support of my friends, and to let my ex know how much of a good guy she let go. I want her to give in and contact me wanting to get back together. But for now, I will assume that we never ever will get back together, and forever take separate paths in life. This will allow less pain. I think.

 

Pnc was to give her a chance to quickly rebound and say omg I did something truly stupid. Can I get back with you. That phase will soon end. I did my best and I will pat my self on the back. I was there for her. I didn't give in to the pressure. I stood loyal to her, and I treated her as a royal queen. In a world where players rule, and win the day, makes me jealous and drool! She will know loss. She has to, because I'm that rare of a good guy. (No offense taken to other good guys. hehe.)

 

I need that release....I beg it.