confused about commitment

[lauried]

My question could fit into any number of catagories, but since I am a lesbian here it is.

 

I am 50 years old and have been in a commited, long-distance relationship with a 35 year old woman for about 2 years now. She is separated from her husband of 6 years but she has been with him for 15 years with the first 7 years or so also long-distance just as ours is now. (my first long-distance relationship and extremely difficult for me)

 

She does acknowledge that without a doubt she is a lesbian and has just been in extreme denial since she was a teen.

 

We both express feelings of love, being in love with each other, and our relationship WAS exclusive. However, things have been changing and now she has expressed the desire to experiment with other women. She can not now say that it will not happen. As a matter of fact, it is her best friend, a heterosexual, that she was just recently kissing and petting with which makes her stepping out all the more likely.( I was there. I suggested it. Thought it would be a turn-on and also thought she could get experimentation out of her system. BOY WAS I WRONG!)

 

I am crushed but I remember all too well being 35 and in my sexual prime. I really can't expect her to be faithful. I think that is asking too much considering her age. Am I right? She has said she will become bitter if when I am dead and gone and she is "old" that she won't be able to say she had had more experience, or if couples are all sitting around sharing "war" stories and she has none to share.

 

I am confused, hurt, scared, trying to be an adult about this but I just don't know which way to go.

 

We are in love but not commited. Does that make sense? I want commitment. What do I do?

 

Help!

[mgirl]

Oh gosh, what can i say? If i had a 50 year old woman, i would remain committed! Those sort of opportunities do not come along every day.

 

So, it seems to me that she is inexperienced. The unfortunate thing about being gay is that many people feel the urge to sow their wild oats as do heterosexual people, so perhaps that is what is going through her mind.

 

If she says she is in love with you and just wants a bit of sexual variety, you may have to allow her to do it in hope that once she realises what she has with you, the others will seem less attractive than they do now.

 

Another option is to stand your ground and create some boundaries, such as it is okay to sleep with these women, but not to become emotionally attached, but the question is, how do you monitor that? You could also set a time frame and tell her she has one year to 'experiment' and that if she is still doing it after that time, then you will have to move on.

 

Option no. 3 is, perhaps you need to move in together, or closer to each other, because she may be suffering affection issues. If you are there, fulfilling those needs, she may be less likely to stray... just a thought.

 

The 4th option is to put your foot down and tell her there is no way you will tolerate infidelity. I mean, this may do irreparable damage to your relationship.

 

On a personal note, i do not understand why anyone of 35 would want to sleep around. Surely that is something we do earlier on in our lives? It suggests she is an insecure woman to me. But then i understand, you are 50 and may be feeling life is passing you by and that you might not have another chance with someone else, and the prospect of being alone for the rest of your life may be daunting.

[RayKay]

Hi lauried, welcome to the forums

 

I don't think you should be denying your own feelings and needs just because she has to "get it out of her system". That is honestly ridiculous, and if it is more important to her to have "war stories" when she is old, then to treat you with respect and love and commitment, then perhaps it is time to realize perhaps you are on different wavelengths and it is time to part ways?

 

I don't think it is out of line to "expect" faithfulness from your partner. Whatever their age. There are plenty of men and women with less experience then their partners whom are not thinking, wow, I need to get myself some stories and hurt my partner in the process!

 

Can you honestly be okay with her being with others? Do you think that is fair for her to change the "agreement" now. Sure, great she told you ahead of time but it does not mean you need to stick around hurting yourself and going along with it. If you want a commitment, let her know, and if its important to you be prepared to walk if she feels differently.

 

Don't settle for less then you want. She may be great, but you sound on different wavelengths and that is a HUGE incompatibility.

[mgirl]

Hmm, i am just thinking... why does she have such a preference for 'long distance' relationships?

[DN]

A relationship requires commitment regardless of age or sexual preference. I would move on if I were you to someone who understands what a partnership really means.

[lauried]

First let me say it feels really good to have people share my story with and who are giving me honest input. Thanks.

 

No, I am not ok with her sleeping around or experimenting with others. As I am her first woman, however,I do understand her curiosity. She has had 3 men in her life including her husband, so I don't expect that she would go absolutely wild and sleep with tons of women. But the thought of her being with just one other person drives me crazy.

 

I do not want to settle for anything less than what I want: a loving, commited, monogamous relationship.

 

I need to add here, that yes there is fear that I am running out of time, so to speak. I do live in a rural area and am taking care of my mother. I will probably be here for a while. This is also the first real relationship I have ever had. I am excluding the violent, drug and alcohol saturated relationships of the past.

 

This one has been wonderfully healthy in so many ways and my girl was the first one to get me to understand about working through the rough roads and bumps in a relationship so, of course it is with her that for the first time I have ever actually been willing to try and work things out. I have not run when the going got tough.

 

Seems to me though, that she is not willing to follow her own advice.

 

We are talking tonight so this input is fantastic for me. Thanks

[lauried]

I have often wondered that myself.

[lauried]

With regard to moving in with each other, beside the fact that I need to stay with my mother at the present, my girl says she is afraid of that. She says she is afraid that my personality will overpower hers. She does have trouble standing up for herself and just lets me go on my merry way rather than speak up.

 

Another thing she tells me is that she is selfish and likes her own space and doing things her own way. Probably why she likes long-distance relationships.

 

For me, living together would be ideal. You have that closeness but you can also have your own space.

[mgirl]

Hi Lauried,

 

Well, first of all, sorry to hear that you have to (or have chosen to) stay at home and look after your mother. That is a very self-sacrificing thing to do and i understand it would take it's toll.

 

It seems to me that your girlfriend has a poor sense of self, or a weak identity if she is afraid of being swallowed up by another in a long term relationship. I can understand how she feels to a certain extent, but sometimes you just have to overcome that.

 

This is also the first real relationship I have ever had. I am excluding the violent, drug and alcohol saturated relationships of the past.

 

I can relate to this also. Unfortunately it is all too common in lesbian relationships to experience this. All i can say is congratulations to you for wanting more for yourself and breaking the routines of the past.

 

It is such a common theme in the gay community to want to escape and avoid real feelings. Unfortunately i think a majority of people only realise when it is too late and end up being alone and wonder what went wrong! I know, at least when i am older i will know what went wrong, i am under no illusions about that.

[mgirl]

I guess it's all too well to move on to another who understands what a 'real' relationship means, but sometimes it is easier said than done. For example, are you better off with the devil that you do know, rather than the one you don't?!

 

This is an age-old question.

[DN]

I guess it's all too well to move on to another who understands what a 'real' relationship means, but sometimes it is easier said than done. For example, are you better off with the devil that you do know, rather than the one you don't?!

 

This is an age-old question.

 

You are better off leaving the devil you know for someone who isn't a devil at all. Devils reside in hell, so you shouldn't look there for a relationship.

[mgirl]

Ahhh, so that's my problem... i've been looking in hell. Makes sense really.

 

Over to you... Lauried

[EnglishSilver]

Hi Laurie, I agree with one of the posters above who said you and your g/f are on different wavelengths. I don't see anything morally wrong with open relationships so long as both partners are honest and happy with this, although it would never be my thing, but your g/f is wanting this and you are definitely not. Im not saying what she wants is wrong, because only she can really decide what she wants/needs at this point in her life, but its not what you want/need. You are trying to be very understanding, and see things from her point of view because you are obviously a loving and caring person, but my own recent experience has taught me that trying to squash your own feelings of hurt down to try and give someone else the space they need just ends up being more painful, and Ive got to say, although Im really hurting now, I think my g/f was right to finish our relationship last week, because if it had gone on for longer I would have felt worse if it had ended some months down the line. Your g/fs already warning you that she quite likes LDR's whereas this is clearly something you find hard, and im sure some LDR's work fine, but I know I would only be able to cope with the distance if there was an eventual plan to live together, and from what you say, I think you probably feel a similar way to me. I'm not saying you SHOULD end it, only you really knows what you are prepared to cope with, goodness knows im no advertisement for that, having spent the last couple of months hanging on in there hoping its going to be all right when I know its really not, but do think about how youd feel 6 months or a year from now if nothings changed, cos Ive found that trying to carry on when somethings painful doesn't work. xxxx

[lauried]

Good morning from lauried. Well, my girl and I spoke last night, and I told her that I was going to have to just be friends because we simply wanted two different things right now. I said I would work on the friendship aspect which is going to be a new thing for me. Usually I just totally disconnect, but she is worth having in my life. One step at a time.

 

She says she is not interested in seeing anybody else right now but on the other hand she cannot absolutely commit because no one knows what the future will hold. True enough, but I told her that commitment to me was at least committing the effort, trying the very best to make things work and if in the short or long term it doesn't work out, well at least I could say I gave it everything I had and could walk away with my head held high.

She is going to have to figure things out on her own. I know where I stand, now, and so does she.

 

So, we are going to a B.B. King show tomorrow, as friends.

 

Thanks to one and all. I shall return.

[RayKay]

Thanks for the update laurie, I am glad you stood up for yourself and made her aware how you felt.

 

Just make sure friends does not slip into "friends with benefits" which would be back where you started...!!! Be strong. Take some time away if it feels too hard or you are too close to agreeing to something you do not want.