Friend or Not Friend

[marieduard]

hello.

 

i'm new around here. i just need to talk, and there's no one to listen. i'm 22 years old and i don't have many friends, that is.. i have lots of colleagues, i'm very approachable and all that.. but it tends to be hard to gain my real friendship, to establish a true relationship in which i open myself to the other person and actually talk about me. in fact, this has only happened twice in my whole life (talking about friends-only here.. boyfriend apart).

 

i have this friend now, who i really like.. i try to reach him and i tell him much about me. we've been schoolmates for many years and still i feel i'm quite nothing to him. he is so special to me, in an emotional way.. he is dear to me and yet i feel i'm indifferent to him. if i was gone, i dont think he'd mind at all. he never tells me anything about him, and when i say what he means to me.. he never says it back. sometimes he says not so good things, but i guess he's just teasing me, although sometimes it hurts me. i think people shouldn't have to say how they feel. the other should already know. however, from time to time.. i believe it's best just to make sure. now i made a bad choice. we are going to work and i will be faraway from him, and i feel incredibly sad about it. i could have chosen differently and we would be together. this way, i dont think he will ever look for me or ask for us to meet, or wait for me.. we will be faraway and my heart cries for that.. and because my best friend who i trully adore doesn't care at all... i think i'm stupid for feeling like this, i think i'm stupid for writing it.. a persons feellings can't be changed, so i can't make him love me either.. i can't make him care about me.. i can't turn my self into the best friend he ever had.. i can't make him let me know him.. i just can't. i just can't.

 

sorry for such a long post.. hope you dont have the patience to read it, i now i wouldnt

[Gunther]

Do not be ashamed to state the way you feel, as opposed to what you think, sometimes men have to be told. Some of us arn't the brightest creatures when it comes to love, and need to have things put bluntly to us.

 

If however you liked him that much, why didn't you choose to try to be with him? It is true you can't make anyone feel a certain way, but you can influence him, and show him, that you are the woman for him.

 

Perhaps if you just approach him and try to find common grounds you may build on that. Show him you have some of the same interests, and try to do things with him that you both enjoy. Then maybe you can end up being very happy together.

[Mr. Honeytoast]

I have a female friend i feel the same way about. I don't think i could ever change the way she feels about. I know how it feels and it sucks. Im sorry someone else has to feel like that.

Gunther you have some nice points but if she does not have many friends why would she want to risk losing one. Unless there are feeling for more that friends that are very strong.

[sweetheart230]

I have sort of the same problem as you...my best friend has a lot of self esteem issues and is very jealous of me so I'm backing off, and I feel sometimes like its hard to get close to people. I made a few friends in one of my classes because we were a lot alike and it was an 10 person class.

 

What are you exactly looking for with this guy? I'm kind of confused...do you want to date him or are you just looking for a very close friendship?

 

One thing it sounds like you might be doing is putting him on a pedastal because he listens to you and you have opened your heart to him. This can be a powerful thing, but if he isn't doing the same, then I'm not sure you can really know him very well. If both people aren't willing to be emotionally intimate, then I have my doubts that it will be fulfilling. There are a lot of people out there who will be willing to open up to you.

 

Be honest with this guy and tell him what you need from him, and then give him some room. Try not to bug him about it a lot or smother him. Just be mention it lightly...put the idea in his head. If he is ready for what you want to share with him, he will be able to think about it and pursue you. If not, then clearly there was something better meant for you.

[unicornq]

Marie, sorry to hear about this. I have the same problem. My frienship with a friend is rather one-sided. While I'm always willing to tell her about me and initiate all contacts, I don't get the same from her.

 

I'm honestly at my wit's end too, but I don't want to give up on this friend yet. All I can do is to try and keep in touch, and let her know from the small things that she's indeed my friend, say, occasionally sending her emails, including her in my friends' gathering, sending her greetings etc. Over time, I guess either she'll realize a true friendship is there or I'll give up with less pain.

[marieduard]

Thank you all for your kind replies!

 

I didn't imagine anyone would actually take the time to even read it. Specially, I'm sorry to know some of you have similar problems. I wish I could retribute your advice, but I just don't know what to do. Some time apart will make him miss me? I doubt it.. if he doesn't feel close to me now... but it could work for some of you.. We usually only value what we don't have.

 

Some of you thought of my situation as "in love with best friend". When I say I love him I mean a friends love. I do have a boyfriend who I really like. But, I must confess.. you made me wonder.. Could I have a crush on him? I hope not!! And I do agree that it might cost me his friendship, as I don't believe he has ever been in love with me or thought of me that way. Besides, there is my boyfriend... So I don't think I really want to try to find out. But you see, I'm the one with a boyfriend and all.. and I treasure this friend so deeply! He has never had a girlfriend in his whole life and I know that I'm the only person he could consider a close friend. Maybe he is just still waiting for that special someone.. and meanwhile no one really matters to him.

 

Mr. Honeytoast I don't think I could ever change the way he feels either even though I understood you want to be more than friend of this girl you talk about..

 

"What are you exactly looking for with this guy? I'm kind of confused...do you want to date him or are you just looking for a very close friendship? "

As far as I know a very close friend. I would like to be in his heart the same way he is in mine. When it concerns to man-woman love I understand it is more dificult to ask for the other person to feel the same way.. but in a friendship after so many years together why do I share myself with him and he won't share a thing with me?

 

"If however you liked him that much, why didn't you choose to try to be with him?"

This choice I talked about concerned a contest to job positions. I tried to choose according to his choices, so the odds of being together were greater. In the end, however, I realized that if I had chosen according to my own will we would be close, but as I chose according to his... fate tricked me.. and we ended up being accepted to different places. I usually make my decisions according to him and I blame myself for it. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go, as long as I'm with him. He became more important to me than my own personal satisfaction.. I guess he is just a great part of it. I'm definetly "putting him on a pedestal". Sometimes I even feel I value him more than what he's really worth (specially when I'm angry)

Nevertheless, we will only be 20 minutes away by subway, no big deal! The point is, will he wait 20 mins for me? Am I worth 20 mins of his life? I don't think so.

 

"Show him you have some of the same interests, and try to do things with him that you both enjoy"

We are just going out of college and for all the years of the course we were together. As we live nearby, we always travelled in each others company to college. We talk about everything, he sure knows my interests.. but, does he tell me his? I know a few.. but still, what I feel is he could tell me much more. Besides school? I've asked him a thousand times to spend hollidays with me, to come out with me.. he always denied! I went to the beach with him once and only because I made myself invited! Am I just too demanding?

Our relationship has always been teaser like, it wasn't built upon tenderness or sweet manifestations of care. But, from time to time, I let my feelings show, as in Christmas cards or even when I'm with him. He, however... I agree when you say if these things aren't mutual, it brings sadness and disappointment. It makes me think if I dont go to him, he will never come to me.

 

"All I need is someone to talk to about you, but you are the only person I really want to talk to "

Beautiful. It quite resembles how I feel about my friend.. although not a lovers love.. it is still love