I feel weird saying this

[sweetheart230]

The first time my ex and I had sex was very painful and difficult. It was my second time (The first time was when I was passed out drunk with someone on campus I did not know (it was my first week at school). It hurt so badly I made him stop and started shaking...then he asked for a blow job (he wasn't real sensitive). Over a years time, my ex and I had intercourse four times- we did oral sex mostly when we weren't "off again". The last time we were very connected and it meant a lot to me. But it still hurt a lot.

 

I guess I'm just really bad at sex. I don't want to be. I want it to feel good. I enjoy everything else, and eager to learn when I do find the right person. My doctor said I have to use lube and the guy's going to have to take his time and be very gentle with me until I loosen up.

 

I don't know how to tell someone this. There's really no one to tell yet, but when the time comes I dont' want to scare a man off because sex is so difficult with me. If I were a virgin, then he'd understand. But I'm not. I don't know how to explain that it still hurts a lot. I know that guys want a girl who enjoys sex. Its going to take some work to get me to that point. It would be a lot easier for a man to sleep with someone experienced.

 

I'm just scared. Over break my confidence in myself has grown. But I'm scared to have sex again. I want to share taht with someone again, but sometimes I cry when I think of the bad times. My first time I don't really remember much and then suddenly I remember pain and yelling stop and then I woke up in a strange bed. And every time except for the last time I slept with my ex, my legs wouldnt' stop shaking when it was over and

I felt so alone. I'm a sexual person, but I'm so scared of having sex again. I'm scared that i'll be left alone again and i'm scared that a man won't understand my inexperience.

 

My ex always wanted to have sex, but after it was over and it was so painful for me, he was so distant. After we did other intimate things, we felt closer together. But it upset him that it hurt me. When we talked about seeing each other again, we talked about the sex thing and he said he would go slower and it wasn't a problem. But he said that before, too, and it always bothered him sex didnt' feel good for me.

 

I'm just not sure how to handle myself when the time comes.

[romantic sweetheart]

Your first experience with sex was traumatic. Inside your soul, there is pain and fear associated with sex. It is understandable that you would feel apprehensive about things, even if it is with a loving person.

 

Love is patient, love is kind....I know it is almost cliche to say that, but it is true. What makes a good lover? Someone who wants to be close to someone, to romance someone, to be gentle with someone. Sex isn't only about physical union--it is about spiritual and emotional fufillment as well. A good lover will want you to be relaxed and satisfied in every sense of the word. An understanding lover will know that sex is not just intercourse..it is also the union of arms, legs, hands, heart, eyes, mouths, souls.......

 

I once read an article that explained how to make love without any demands. Over time, this "no-demnd" style builds up so much passion, closeness, caring and intimacy, that full intercourse simply happens, gently, with no expectations. For souls who have had trauma, this is so crucial.

 

Focus for now on just enjoying one another's closeness and warmth. Kiss, cuddle, hold one another. Nothing complicated--just tender and loving. Sex encompasses all of our senses--..Use oils, sprinkle flowers on the bed, listen to soothing music...talk to one another....Do not worry about anything.

 

A true lover knows you, loves you, adores you. He will kiss away all your pain and fear. He will be slow and gentle and understanding.

 

Like you, I have felt fear and pain. I am a virgin, but there was on time when a man tried to put his fingers inside me, and I was so frightened and in pain, I was shaking and crying. He didn't stop and didn't care.

 

Before this, I had been in a kind, loving, sweet relationship with a man who respected me and made me feel valued and adored. I felt so free with him, unafraid of my sexuality. Trauma can cause emotional scarring...but love's patience can heal.

 

I think if men and women could shift their understanding of sex a little----To know that love-making is a 24 hour event--Every second with the beloved we are making love--with little smiles, little glances, a warm hug, a kind word, a teasing pat on the bottom, a silly rough house in the living room, a cuddle at night, a kiss on the hand....All these things are intimate gestures that build trust and affection.

 

Remember--sex is communication, and when we communicate, we want to be understood. The beloved in your heart must show understanding, patience, and respect....and honour your experiences. And with that gentle compassion, you..all of you..will be given over freely to him.....

[ocrob]

Just get to know a guy for a while before you have sex. Explain to him that you are very tight and that he will have to take it slow. Use lube and I am sure he will be very happy. There is definitely nothing wrong with you and being tight is a good thing. Your partner will love it as long as he is sensitive to your needs and is patient. You have nothing to worry about and I gurantee that the right man will love it and you will too.

[sweetheart230]

You make it sound so nice. Thank you. You are right. It makes so much sense the way you say it.

[Tigris]

Well put Romantic Sweetheartand Ocrob!

 

Once you find the sensitive person you need everything will turn out right. You'll know when you've found them.

 

Good luck and take care.

[may55]

Go see a doctor and tell them what you've posted here. I am sure you are totally fine, but they may have some advice or be able to offer some insight into the physical symptoms you are feeling. Planned Parenthood offers free visits if you are not able to see a gynecologist thru insurance.