Set me straight

[ocrob]

Hi all,

 

I am sure I will hear what I think, but I will ask anyway. I went NC with my ex a month ago and since then have met a couple of nice women. I met one a month ago and we have either talked on the phone or IM'ed everyday. We have only seen each other twice. I don't know if I like her, but do want to get to know her. We flirt a lot and the two times we hung out it was very affectionate. I am trying to figure this woman out, which is just a stupid idea in itself. lol The first time we met, we spent five hours together and had an amazing day. Because of the holidays, we did not see each other. I had asked to see her before she left for NJ, but she said there was no way we could just spend two hours together. She said we get along too well. She flew back from NJ to CA and came over a few hours later and hung out for a couple of hours. She had to get up at 5 am to run a marathon and then work. This was a good sign, but here is my confusion. I tend not to play games and always tell her I miss her and send little kiss faces over IM. She always does the same, but when I ask to see her, she will either ignore my request or will not committ. We were maybe going to meet up this last weekend and she decided to go to Vegas. I IM'd her yesterday and just being flirty said that I liked her and missed her and she said she liked me too. But, when I mention seeing her, she does not committ or she just ignores what I say. I guess this is one problem with IM, but I am starting to get pissed. Yesterday, I told her I wanted to see her in the next 7 days and she said ok, but did not committ to anything. I made some comments to her today and she just blew them off. I made a comment about how she selectively responds to what I say and she said to give an example. I gave her an example from something I said a half hour during our IM. I basically told her I missed her and then said , if I should stop saying this to let me know. She ignored me. I told her during my IM that I guess I will just chill and she said ok. Basically, she did not address anything I said. I know the answer, but please be brutal and let me hear it. I am in sales so I just don't like to give up. I like to ask for what I want and I don't play games. I am at the point where I am done asking and if she does not show me some attention, then I will move on. Actually, I am not waiting around for her at all, but really want to see her. Is she F' ing with me or maybe just trying to take things slow and not show too much interest? I am laughing that I asked that because it does not really matter. She will do what she wants and so will I. I just hate games. If she was not interested, would she kiss me and tell me she misses me? Yes, I know, I could be a back up. Let's hear some good, honest, brutal opinions. This is so much easier than being in love and wanting your ex back.

[Iceman26]

Alright man, you wanted answers, so here are some possible ones.

 

1) She has a boyfriend, and won't commit to do anything with you because she doesn't know if her boyfriend will be around or not.

 

2) Similar to number 1, however she is playing the field, and may have found someone else she is more interested in spending her time with.

 

3) Your approach may be all wrong and is scaring her away.

 

What you need to do is lay off of this girl and let her come to you. You've shown interest, she isn't showing any back, so you move on. If she comes calling, just take it one day at a time.

 

Regardless, like me, you dont like to play games and if I were you I would send this one packing and move on to the next. Good luck dude.

[ocrob]

Good advice. I will follow it bro. I see you are from my town. I would guess she is either dating someone else as well or just does not want to let her guard down. The sad thing is that I don't know if I even like her, just want to get to know her better. I will keep you posted.

[patience]

hey ocrob!

 

I don't think she can give you what you want. She doesn't seem all that into you. Her actions are speaking volumes. Her words are 'nice' but there is no follow through. Red flag!!!

 

How can you even get to know her when you rarely see her?

 

She may be too busy for a relationship, she may be dating others (have you asked?), she may have intimacy issues, etc. Talk to her, tell her you need to see her more often to really get to know her...then really listen to what she has to say.

 

After everything you've been through, I would be tempted to just cut my losses now, before getting hurt again.

 

Remember, be aware of what you need, if you are not getting your needs met, don't rationalize or make excuses. Never settle for less than you deserve!

 

Don't blame yourself for her choices. A woman who likes you will want to see you!

 

chin up!

[sweetheart230]

Yeah, I agree. It sounds like she's either playing games or not interested. Its probably a good idea to back off either way. If she likes you enough, then she'll seek you out. And trust me, if she doesn't like you enough then she's not worth it.

[ocrob]

I hear you both and thanks for the advice. I knew this is what I would hear. I agree 100%. I would not say I am putting myself in a situation because I am too smart to get close to someone this early. It's funny because as I am writing this, we are IMing. I already planned on following what you are saying and will do it. Thanks for the great advice. I just needed to hear it because it is the truth.

[smittenkitten]

I could be wrong, but she might be one of those women who is using The Rules to screw up her love life. I've pulled some good things out of them (namely, learning not to chase a guy, and learning how to pace myself in a relationship), but I've seen a lot of women do a LOT of stupid things in the name of TR. I used to be active on an online TR group (this group is WAY better though!), and some of the stuff I'd hear would make me cringe. And some of it sounds JUST LIKE THIS!!!

 

"Oh, he keeps telling me he misses me, but I just keep being elusive and all I say is 'mmm-hmmm'."

 

"He keeps saying he wants to see me, but he's not asking me out for a specific time and day, so I keep pretending not to hear him."

 

"I don't know what this guy is doing, he keeps IMing me & saying he likes me, but he's just not stepping up to the plate by asking me out for a proper date! I think I'll be mysterious and take a trip to Vegas & make him wonder what I'm up to. That will make him come running!"

 

I could be wrong about this. Some of the stuff she's doing isn't TR (dates are "supposed" to only last 2 hours, women should never go to a guy's house, don't get into IMing). Maybe she's trying to do TR but doing it imperfectly. Maybe she's not doing it at all. But the part about her IGNORING things you say... even when she ASKED you to give an example... man, I can picture her IMing with you, thumbing through the book, going "Oh crap, what do I do now? I guess I'll just pretend I didn't hear that!!!"

 

One of the pieces of TR advice is to NEVER 'lead' a guy. So if he says, "Hey, you want to do something/get together?", she's just supposed to say "OK" (pause) The man-puppet then is supposed to say, "How about Friday night?" She then responds (regardless if it's true), "Oh, so sorry, Friday night I already have plans!" (pause) Man-puppet then gets really excited & suggests another night (hopefully Saturday!), at which point she can say "Yes". She is not under any circumstances supposed to say, "Well, Friday night is out, how about we meet X night instead." Because if she does this, well, then, she's making your job too EASY and you'll lose interest. You're supposed to do all the work!

 

Unfortunately all this pausing and hemming and hawing and refusal to show any excitement (in the interest of being elusive & 'light'!) is, to me, the dating equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot.

 

I am trying to figure this woman out, which is just a stupid idea in itself. lol

 

Yep. That's the point of TR. Be so mysterious & elusive & unlike any other woman a man's ever known, so he can't get you out of his head, and he'll pursue you like mad & fall in love with you.

 

Anyway, whether or not she's intentionally playing games, this doesn't sound like it's worth it. What a pain in the butt!!! It's too bad, because there are a lot of really nice women I've met in that group, but a lot of them do the most incredibly stupid things. One woman drove her fiancee of 2 years away because she was too afraid to ever call him or get into a serious discussion with him! I remember her posting about him going through some problems with his job, and how he was depressed & wanted her support, and she was like, "Gee, I don't know guys, do you think I should help him? No, I better keep being light & breezy. I don't want him to think of me like his mother!"

 

Stupid!

 

BTW Ocrob, thanks for replying to my post! I appreciate having a man's input!

 

 

[Mattie]

Having read other people's replies, I'm in two minds as to what she could be doing.

 

I can see her doing it to "play the game" and not appear needy and too keen. I know it's a common thing for girls to do. Playing hard to get is something that seems to work, the trouble is, you never never if that's what they're doing or if they just aren't interested.

 

The other side is I can see her not committing to anything with you because she doesn't want to. Or is just unsure.

 

Don't pressure her anymore. You've made it perfectly clear that you're interested. I suggest you back off and cut ALL contact with her for a bit. If she's playing games to keep you interested, she'll come back to you.

 

If she doesn't come back to you, then at least then you'll know that she wasn't worth it in the first place.

 

Gee, I really should follow my own advice sometimes! Haha.

[ocrob]

Smittenkitten and Mattie,

 

Very awesome perspectives. Smitten, after reading my reply to your post, I don't think I really made too much sense. I guess I was not looking to find someone that interested me, but this woman does. I had intended to meet a new friend and just developed some sort of feelings. I think all of the things you said about the rules are very interesting. She is either not interested or playing games. Although I am completely done chasing her, I did send her an e-mail yesterday inviting her to watch a movie today and to have plans friday or saturday. Of course she ignored the e-mail. If she is playing games, she has shot herself in the foot because I am annoyed and now my ego has kicked in. Normally by now we would be IMing and I have not sent her anything. I will continue to answer her communications, but I am now in friend mode, which is cool for me. IF I am not in love with a woman, I can totally turn off the feelings and go into friend mode. I will keep you posted. The annoying thing is that I was just interested and needed some time with her to determine if I liked her.

[smittenkitten]

She's the one who's missing out! I have NO clue what she's doing.

 

I can't imagine just ignoring a guy's email to me, unless he'd done something that really ticked me off. Even then I'd give him at least a chance or two.

 

Even if she doesn't want to go out with you, she should at least have the integrity to respond with a "no thanks". You've done everything right. I'd just cut my losses & delete her from my IM list if I were you. If she tries to contact you asking why, you could either ignore her (ha ha!) or just say, "Sorry, but I'm accustomed to interacting with people who are a little more responsive. Have a nice life!"

 

You'll meet someone who a) is interested in you, and b) helps you get over your fear of being in a relationship because she won't be playing games!!!

[Iceman26]

 

You've done everything right. I'd just cut my losses & delete her from my IM list if I were you. If she tries to contact you asking why, you could either ignore her (ha ha!) or just say, "Sorry, but I'm accustomed to interacting with people who are a little more responsive. Have a nice life!"

 

You'll meet someone who a) is interested in you, and b) helps you get over your fear of being in a relationship because she won't be playing games!!!

 

I completely agree!

[ocrob]

I must admit that I can't stand playing games and I love being blunt and straightforward. I did not IM her this morning and of course she IMed me. She is always very nice. I suppose that I could be straightforward and ask her if she is playing games or just not interested. I would love to do this, but I have only seen her twice and this would be too early. I will not ask for plans and if I don't see her, then I will know there is no interest. If she is playing games, then she will ask to see me. Smitten, that was some awesome advice. I really am not at the point of deleting her from my IM. She really hasn't mistreated me, but has given mixed signals. I am just going to repond to her actions and not her words. I don't even know if I like this woman so I don't want to get too pushy. I just want to hang out and get to know her. As I said, I am taking your advice and will not ask her out again and will not compliment her. It is weird because we get along great. If she just wanted to be friends, I would be fine with that. I don't know why she just doesn't tell me.