Sick of Double Standards

[raineysong]

It never ceases to amaze me that double standards still exist between men and women. Society often even seems to support this ongoing dilemma. If a guy has sex with a lot of women, he's a stud. If a woman has sex with several partners, she's a "ho." If a married man has affairs, it seems to be more acceptable. If a woman cheats, it's just unthinkable. I also hate the attitude that it's acceptable for men to secretly look at porn--as if it is some exclusive right of passage or something they require in order to be "men." When I learned my partner was looking at porn, I went on line, found nude pics of guys, and loaded one up as a background. My partner was shocked and very disturbed about it. He didn't want me looking at naked men. (Imagine that!) I told him, "well, you look at naked women, so what's good for the goose is good for the gander." I explained to him that how he felt about me looking at naked men was exactly how it made me feel when he looked at naked women. He finally got the point, but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't still sneak a peak on occasion. I am so fed up with double standards, and I cannot understand why they continue to be tolerated.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

i think it's just a matter of being imprimted in the mind by society. we grow up learning the rules of the world and many times it's hard to stray away from such dasterdly rules. however, though i think what you did was more along the lines of playing games, i have to congragtulate you on your ability to make him see the double standard there.

[Boricua7]

I disagree with the fact that you were "playing games". He didn't get the message when you sat him down and talked to him so you came up with an alternative and gave him a taste of his own medicine. Kudos to you!

 

As far as the double standard I think anyone who has sex with random partners is just degrading themselves. I also think both men and women have the right to look at porn without being perceived as perverted. Like the yang to the worlds yin stated, society's rules are bashed into our brains from the day we are born and it is hard for people to stray away from them. Don't hold it against people that they can't think for themselves. Although it may seem sad or even pathetic, it's not easy for everyone.

[TheRock]

The things you listed are not really double standards. It is not more acceptable for men to cheat versus women. I think that is your perception. And for the record, just as many women cheat on their husbands as men cheat on thier wives.

As for looking at porn. Men are more visual while women are more cerebral, which is why women love to read smutty novels, That is thier equivalent of porn and men do not compalin about this.

As for it being acceptable for men to be with a lot of partners and women being "ho's" if they sleep around. That societal convention is imposed by as many women as men. And, I don't really know of too many women that "want" to sleep around anyway.

Also, do the double standards that favor women bother you?

 

Just playing devils advocate, and giving you the other point of view.

Take care.

[raineysong]

Any double standards disturb me. Reading a fictional novel is not the same as looking at naked pics with up-close body parts by the way. That is definitely not comparing apples to apples. I simply find it disturbing that men think it's ok to lust after pics of other women when they are supposedly in a relationship that they claim is meaningful to them, and especially if their partner is bothered or feels it is offensive. Likewise, if a man felt that a woman's reading fictional novels is a threat, then she should consider his feelings and cease the activity. As for the subject of double standards in general, I just get tired of it all. If any sex cheats it is wrong, but it is normally more acceptable or even expected of a man than if a woman does the same thing. A man is simply labeled as a "womanizer," but a woman is often labeled as a "homewrecker." If a young guy in college sleeps around, it is almost like a right of passage. If a young woman in college does this, she is perceived as an easy lay. Why is it acceptable for a guy to engage in a variety of sexual episodes which is often viewed as his way of learning about sex or that he's proudly a big stud on campus, but if the girl is doing it for all the same reasons, she receives criticism for it? This is the meat of what truly perplexes me!

[RayKay]

I do think that this is more your perception from perhaps your own social background or peer group, it is certainly not the case accross the board.

 

People I know have equal sentiment towards cheaters, whatever their sex for example. I don't have an issue with porn personally, but I know that it's not a double standard for me to look at it either at least in my relationship. I think anyone whom sleeps around has both the right to do that, but also if they have enough respect and class, I would not even know about it anyway..as long as they are honest about it with their partners, and take measures to protect each other, it's their right. Those whom don't have much respect though and do it just to be cool, either have some serious self esteem issues or are pretty selfish. And that opinion does not change depending on their sex.

 

There are always going to be double standards held by some, it does not mean that everyone believes them, it does not mean they are always in favour of men. It's up to each individual to form their own set of values and ideas. If you see double standards, instead of lamenting them, speak up against them and work to change them.

[raineysong]

I am appreciating all your posts about this. I guess at times, it just "seems" like everyone turns their head and looks the other direction when it comes to this issue. Perhaps my perception is out of whack, but it is based on what I still see and hear today on a regular basis. Not that there aren't at least some changes or shifts, but some of the basic views remain intact in this day and age. I don't believe that "everyone" is included in the group that has not yet evolved, but at least in small town America, the perceptions seem to remain unchanged. Maybe these views have less to do with society in general, but more to do with a lack of education, knowledge, and wisdom?

[novaseeker]

I don't know. There are many foolish ideas out there, to be honest. I don't think there should be double standards about cheating or porn or whatever, and I certainly don't give men who cheat a break. As for porn, it's a question of who likes to watch it (it tends to be men, predominantly, but more young women are watching it these days as it grdually becomes more mainstream), but if a guy wants to watch it and yet doesn't want his SO to watch it, then yes that is a double standard and not appropriate.

 

I think all of this does have a lot to do with where one is living, however. Different communities do have different social mores about these kinds of issues.

[darkblue]

I agree with you on the double standards referring to porn. I've been around here long enough to see the amount of women posting about their male partners watching porn, and I've never seen a male posting about their female partner using it...

 

As for cheating: I personally would not see men cheating as more normal, as someone who has been cheated on - I know from experience that women are capable of it.

 

I really don't like double standards, though.

[Mun]

Agreed: men should not have to hide when looking at porn. They should to it openly and without shame.

 

Seriously though, I don't think a man cheating is any less responsible than a woman cheating just because of gender. I find this way of thinking to be a culture thing sometimes.

 

The whole "women are easy if they sleep around, men are studs"...well I'm hoping for a double standard overhaul. Look at the AIDS epidemic, nothing "studly " about it.

 

These are my un-educated, personally biased opinions.

[Boricua7]

I agree with you on the double standards referring to porn. I've been around here long enough to see the amount of women posting about their male partners watching porn, and I've never seen a male posting about their female partner using it...

 

I'm not saying that this is wrong but you also have to take into consideration that men are more likely to be ok with their partner watching porn than women. I am a woman and my boyfriend never complained about the fact that I watched porn. We even watched porn together. I do, on the other hand, have many female friends who have complained about their boyfriends watching porn. I think women are more likely than men to take porn-watching to directly mean that they are not satisfying enough. Then again, I might be very wrong.

[darkblue]

I don't see where we disagree, Boricua.

[Boricua7]

I don't see where we disagree, Boricua.

 

I was just stating that the fact that there are more women posting about the fact that they are unhappy with their partner's porn-watching is because men are more likely to be ok with it. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was countering your statement. I was just making it clear when I started my post that you understand that I wasn't trying to say that you were wrong or anything. Sorry about that.

[darkblue]

No offense taken, Boricua

 

I agree that men seem to be more accepting of women watching porn than vice versa. (from what I've seen, anyway)

Maybe that is because less women watch porn, or because men think of it as a turn-on rather than a challenge to them...

I don't know.

[Boricua7]

No offense taken, Boricua

 

I agree that men seem to be more accepting of women watching porn than vice versa. (from what I've seen, anyway)

Maybe that is because less women watch porn, or because men think of it as a turn-on rather than a challenge to them...

I don't know.

 

I think it might be a nice little mix of both. Men seem to be attracted to more open-minded women because they do not feel restricted by them. I also believe that less women watch porn then men just because they require less visual stimulation then men. Also, women are made to feel like they are "dirty" if they do so many of them are uncomfortable with porn. Lastly, women are more insecure then men so, like you said, they take it as something they need to compete with for their man's attention as opposed to something they can share with their man.

[novaseeker]

I think the last sentence of your post, Boricua, is probably the likeliest explanation. Men are far less likely to be insecure of their partners being turned on by the studs in porn (perhaps because they know they aren't really, in many cases) than women are about their partners being turned on by the women in porn.