Why do nice guys finish last?

[clyde411]

Here is my current problem-

My wonderful girlfriend broke up with me last week because she doesn't have time to see me when she is working two jobs. We are going to be going back to college together in a month and a half and we will see each other every day. I thought we had a great relationship and she broke my heart with a month and a half left of summer until we see each other every day. She swears there is no one else. I asked her if i should wait for her until school starts again. Se told me to do what makes me happy. She tells me she really likes me alot still and she still wants to talk everyday and still hang out, but just doesn't want the committed part. She also says that if we like each other as much as we say we do she believes we will be together. Is this girl just playing with me? advise much appreciated. Thanks

[raggamuffin]

It could very well that she is leading you on here. The only advice I can give (I've been in a similar situation recently) Is that is really hard to stay friends with someone who you have been in a relationship previously especially if it you thought they were "the one" She is right when she says "do what makes you happy" but i think you will find that what makes you happy will change over time. Maybe sit it out until you go back to school and see what happens then, until you make your final decision this way you will be able to see her face to face. Being just friends will take alot of strength and courage on your part. I think this girl is crazy. Best of Luck.

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Hey, i've also been in a similar situation, but maybe it was just lucky. She also said do what u want when she kinda rejected when i asked her out. She just said for me 2 give her time coz she didn't think it'd work out coz we don't go 2 the same high skool and i live 30 minutes away by car although i don't hav a car and i hav 2 catch the train which takes 1.5 hours each way due to the 30 minute wait for the connecting train. She works practically half of the whole weekened.

 

I believe that she just wants some space and clear her head, don't force her into anything, don't ask, just keep ur distance but make sure she knos u still like her a lot, u think about her all the time, and once she's ova that, she'll let u kno. That's what happened 2 me. When i asked her what she'd do if i was in her position, she said she wouldn't have waited. But then i said i couldn't forget her, it was 2 hard, she said do what u want.

I hope that helps

 

Happy Heb

[kdreger]

The best you can do is give her the space she needs. Otherwise, if you chase her and cause her stress, you will merely confirm her suspicion that being in a relationship is too much responsibility.

[notherenowhere]

clyde411,

 

I think the truth is that she considers her work more important than a relationship and she found it to be expendable. I, myself, would be able to juggle work and a relationship but everyone's different. Furthermore, if she said there was noone else, then there isn't. That's the good news. However, her reply of "do what makes you happy" doesn't sound very caring or sincere. Those words express indifference on her part. But then she says she still really likes you and enjoys your time together with her. Aren't you getting mixed signals?

[Taurean]

Hello,

 

"Nice guys finish last"......if "nice" is defined as "non-egoistical", then they finish last because they live relationships with the notion of "do it together" and not "follow me".

 

Living with the "do it together" philosophy, means that the 'nice guy' will automatically sacrifice some of himself to better accommodate his partner. If this is for a prolonged period of time, the partner will take it for granted about the same time that the 'nice guy' begins to lose something within himself. (Namely his sense of "self")

 

Usually (unless the nice-guy has a good deal of self awarness) the partner is the one to call it off because the nice-guy is too "easy" and the partner will begin to lose some of the interrest. (That is usually referred to as 'play-resistance')

 

A greater percentage of 'nice guys' are older than their more self-centered counterparts. The reason for this is because, sometimes (not always), some nice-guys were very egoistical earlier in other relationships and have been taught lessons about how to treat people better.

 

There is a good deal more coverage over this seemingly simple and very common statement "why do nice guys finish last", but I don't think here is the place to write 20 A4 page theories

 

As for Clyde411, losing out to freedom rather than to losing out to another guy could be a consolidation, although it dosent feel that way.

You are now faced with a choice:

A) Wait

B) Move On

C) 'Win' her back

 

If you (A) wait for her, you run the risk of her meeting others romantically and this will hurt you. Depending on your patience and understanding, you could opt to wait for a good deal of time until she is 'ready' or otherwise 'falls back to you', although these are usually slim chances.

 

If you (B) move on, you can free yourself some emotional turmoil, have the oportunity for YOURSELF to acquire new people into your life (not necessarily romantically) and you also don't run the risk of more emotional 'shocks'

 

If you © try to win her back, be honest with yourself and your desires, because if you try any underhanded techniques to win her, they will backfire because at a later stage, she will once again long for her 'freedom'. An example of an underhanded technique is to quickly find another girl to be with, that will really set off a few sparks in your ex, but you will pay a price, as the new girl is just being used for your own selfishness and once your ex wants you back and you accept, then once she has you back, she will again begin to wonder about her 'freedom'.

 

Personally, I feel you would be better off in trying (B) moving on with your own life and doing some things that you enjoy to keep yourself occupied. Tell her you need some space for yourself and your emotions. Try to develop a sense of detachment and take things easy and casually, then at a future time, the two of you could meet up again, either intentionally or coincidentally and see how YOU feel at that time.

 

Moving on is the hardest too, because the emotions hold a force that is stronger than logic&sense. Trying to adjust to a way that incorporates all 3 factors is probably the healthiest, but only you can be the judge of that.

 

Good luck with whatever you try to do

 

Kind regards,

Taurean

 

PS- Excuse me if I oversimplified everything in this post, am trying to make it concise

[mjones.uk]

Hi Taurean,

 

Have a read of one of my previous 'nice guys' posts:

 

link removed

[Taurean]

Mr.Jones,

 

Thank you for the link.

 

I read it all and was very interresting even if I could detect a little lop sided branding of the 'nice guy' role, but certainly many areas within the theory were covered.

 

It was good, I enjoyed it, made me think of a few things, a little comparing too.

 

Thanks for sharing

 

Kind regards,

Taurean