mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 what do i do? My wife and i have been apart for 3 months..... she says that she does not love me but wants to fix our friend ship that we have damaged. And then if we can get through that and we can fix our marriage that she would like that. But we have to deal with everything one step at a time.. well last night was the first time we stayed apart from each other... as in agreed staying apart. I went to my parents house and i will go home on friday then she will stay with her mom next week. What confuses me is i always believe that actions speak louder then words.. and that during us being a part she slept with a nother man.. but the awkwardness of it all is that i met him, and it was only a friendship that when she was lonely and hurt by all that happened.. and he being a friend one thing led to another. we were and still are apart.. us bumping heads over and over again has only made our situation worse... so that why we have agreed to spend some time apart. but us both spending a week with our son at our house. i got side tracked... sorry... (at work typing this) i now know him (the other man)..and he sort of has become my friend... its weird.. he promissed me that it wouldnt happen again and that he is trying to get her to come back to me.. i have heard there convo's its kind of scary.. he wants her happy but wants her to try and fix our marriage...... she says there is no feelings toward me.. but the way she acts the things she says the things she does she always talks about the future us..... she has depression issues, doesnt love her self, thinks she is ugly, fat totally dead inside..... she is so lost that i dont know how she can be sure of what she is doing..... how can she be sure she doesnt love me when she has never left me, still constantly argues instead of not carring... basically she tells me one thing and acts a different way.... she is going with her friends right now to feel better by goin out and hanging out... instead of just trying to figure things out... Me giving her space, is that going to help.. or is it going to prolong what is happening? we argue so much becuase she doesnt wanna talk.. where i want to get things straight. I talked to her last night at 11pm she said no one was coming over and that she was going to bed.. i forgot something at the house went to get it and there were beer cans everywhere becuase i guess after 11 there was a party at the house. its just frustrating.. i am home at my parents.. trying to get my self straight and she is just trying to have fun. so she will not sit home alone...... any advice? Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Hi there, I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I have been following your posts for the last week and from everything you have written...it sounds like your wife doesn't want to do anything about her issues. Sure she recognizes and admits she is depressed but that's only half of it. If she doesn't want help and does not do anything about her problems, then I am sad to say there is nothing you can do. There is a distinct possiblity that she wants her "space" in order for her to do what she pleases and not try to work on things and get herself better. I have learned the hard way to never underestimate people. You may have to ponder these possibilties in order to arm yourself for things that may happen later down the road. There is only so much you can do but ultimately, one has to help him/herself. She is very young so she may not even realize the error of her ways. It's not fair to you for you to be miserable and wallow in this while she is out partying it up all the time. You are absoutely correct...actions do speak louder than words and this situation is no exception. Have you talked to a lawyer about your options and your rights as of yet. I am not saying serve her with paper tomorrow but it always good to know what your options are. I truly hope everything works out for you. But you can't do this alone...you can't carry the burden of your marital troubles on your own...she needs to share in her responsibility too...and from what you have written...it sounds like she hasn't. She is playing I am depressed sympathy card. It doesn't excuse her behavior. I know plenty of people who are depressed whom treat others with common respect. Take care and I truly hope everything works out for you. Many hugs to you. Link to comment
Dako Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 You have a tough decision ahead. If she has no feelings for you, slept with another guy and lies to you, why do you want her? I'm sure you're worried about your son, but trying to create a marriage with this woman doesn't seem worthwhile. Where is your son living? Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 thanks for the advice Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 between the both of us.. i think she is just young and lost. I am older.. i dont know why i an trying to make this work. Its hard. she tellsme when we fight that she wants a divorce.. but when she is upset she says that she does not know what she wants... in her eyes we are not together.. thats why she slept with him.. but she says that if we fix things and its mean to be then its meant to be..... i think with all that is going on .. she is just worried about breathing and just her self while she trys to fix things .. right now its all on her.. and she knows she is hurting people but its something she needs to do right now.. but like i said actions speak louder then words....... she doesnt really lie... technically if there was a party it was after i had talked to her and went to bed.. and she isnt going to call me..... and wake me up, thats how she is.. we have had a marriage and relationship where we talk about everything.. and hold no secrets... right now she is just mad from me always trying to ask what we can do instead of giving her the space she wants.. i have bugged her. and it is just making her mad..... it just feels like i am running into a wall, cuase if i had just given her the space from the beginning instead of what i was doing... it may have ben different. We have only made things worse............. but she is willing to fix the friend ship and if we get that straight and can get along and fix our marriage then she is all for it... but right now she is so mad, pissed off and full of resentment towards me, how can she see things right. She says she knows how she feels.. but with all that going on towards me.... i dont think she clearly knows what she is doing. she wanted space to breath to try and sort out things... I loved her tomuch.. and instead of doing what she asked i tried to help the situation but only made it worse.. so this is why i am confused.... Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 One thing I have noticed in your posts is that you blame yourself for everything and you make excuses for her. She slept with another man while you were "technically" apart, I know that would be very hard for me to get past. This is not all your fault...she shares in the blame too...she has turned this all on you so she does not have to take responsibility for anything...that is very selfish and immature. Until she takes any responsibility for any of her actions and stop blaming everything and everyone else for her problems...this whole mess will not get fixed. Link to comment
Dako Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Please forgive me for asking the usual questions: Is she being treated for depression? Are either of you open to counselling? If she's not being treated for her illness, there's almost nothing you can do for her but encourage her to seek help. If she is being treated, her doctor needs to work with her more. Counselling obviously would be the next step if you agree to try. Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 I KNOW I SOUND LIKE I TAKE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING.. I THINK I WOULD RATHER IT BE THAT WAY. i WILL SAY THAT SHE WILL SAY THAT SHE IS HALF THE PROBLEM.. I JUST DONT THINK SHE TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER ACTIONS. bUT I JUST THAT SHE ISNT LOOKING AT THIS IN THE CORRECT WAY.... Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 she doesnt think medication is going to help.. or councelling is going to either.. she has been through it at a younger age and thinks it will not help now becuase she is depressed .. but knows what she feels... which i think is bull crap... excuse the languge .. it is frustrating Link to comment
Dako Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 It's hard to force someone to seek help, but there are millions of people who benefit from antidepressants and take back their lives. She may have tried something and not had a magical experience, but there's more to it than taking a pill. She has to want a better life, and stop believing she deserves to suffer. It's a vicious circle of not caring about herself because she's depressed, and not seeking help because she doesn't care. I wish you the best. Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I'm so sorry you are frustrated...I would be too in your situation. I truly hope things get better for you. Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 what do i do.. go in there and tell her that if she is going to divorce me then atleast respect me enough to go to counceling and get back on anti depressents. I wish i could tell her taht thats what i wanna do. what is the next step.. just walking away? Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 mbc, Are you in any kind of counseling? That might be good just for you...to sort out things and figure out what you want and maybe the therapist might know how to proceed with helping your wife...what steps you can take. I am not a professional...so I can't tell you what to do...all I can say is that she needs to be willing to help herself and figure out what will work the best for her. Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 i want to seek help, i have even tried to get her to go with me for the sake of our child.. its just so hard..... its like talking to a brick wall. Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 and if you want to know why i am doing everything i can to get her back after all she is done.. she feels scorned by me.. and its easier to do the easy way then the hard way.. its easier to walk away then to stay..... I still see the woman i fell in love with trapped inside that woman that now stands in her place..... thats the reason i do it.......... Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I am not judging you on you staying and trying to help you any way you can...your marriage vows hold you to that. But I am simply pointing out a few things I can see from looking from the outside in...sometimes when you are standing in the middle of the forest...it's very difficult to see all the trees, others here, myself included...can see all the trees, I have a bird's eye view. That's all...I commend your dedication to her and your marriage but I always believe...it's a two-way street, no matter what the circumstances. Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 and your right... Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 i am lost and dont know what to do, do i give up.. do i just let it tke its course.. do i act like i donr care... what do i do... Link to comment
DN Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 No - you don't act like you don't care but you also don't act as you are because that is clearly not working for you. What you do is this: tell her that you love her and that you want to put the marriage back together but unless she is willing to work with you, through talking, negotiation and, above all compromise, that you can't do it on your own. thereforeeee, you will give her one month to decide what she wants; in that time, other than necessary contact to manage the raising of your son, you will not talk to her at all. No relationship talk, no getting back together talk, no divorce talk - nothing. If at the end of the month, she is now willing to try and put the work in then you will work with her. Otherwise, you will have to talk about a legal separation, figure out how to co-parent your child and assume the relationship is over. This will be hard for you - but you must bring this matter to a head and make her decide what she wants without you distracting her all the time. Give her a limited time to decide and then move on from there. Be strong, loving, considerate but firm and confident. Link to comment
lunatic Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 WOW first off I am sorry about what your going thru. Now your first step is to stop thinking about her and concentrate on yourself. With you chasing her around trying to save the marriage is not helping matters at all. You MUST put No Contact or at least Minimal Contact in place ASAP!!! Next thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself for all the problems that are in your marriage. Like KellBell stated before a relationship no matter the level is a two way street. If your the only person who is trying to work on things the relationship may already be dead. You need to back off and give her space no matter how much it hurts. You also should go out with friends and family to keep busy. The more busy you are the less time you have to think about her. I am not saying that your marriage is DOA but, if you don't back off it will be. This is not going to be easy and you MUST remain amicable for your son no matter what. Come here and post when you are feeling down. Go volunteer at the local hospital or something to keep your mind off of her. Right now She needs her time and you Need your time. On a final note I wanted to add that if my wife/GF cheated on me like that I would kick her to the curb. No one needs to be treated like that no matter what at this point your STILL MARRIED and she cheated. Stop making excuses for her by blaming yourself for all the problems here because she is more at fault from what I can see. Good luck and be STRONG!!! Hub Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 12, 2006 Author Share Posted January 12, 2006 so am i right to think differently on my situation.. she is quick to say it is over but does admit that we need to fix our friend ship and that what ever happens happens and that if we can get our relationship back then that would be great. she is quick to make a decision on us and is depressed and dead inside and doesnt love her self..... her saying that she knows she doesnt love me thinks that she is not making a thought out decision.. so right now the space is going well.. we are just talking around 10 pm before we go to bed... we are not arguing... that is the reason for this .. to stop us from arguing.... so who knows.... does any of this make sense.. i know she has slept with some one else.. but in her eyes we ae not together and we are separated.. but she is doing what ever she can to , just make her self happy.... I dont know.. i think she just is lost.. and am still going to try and get her to get help.. or go with me for help my self as well as medication.... its weird being away from her feels good.. but i do worry about her and miss her..... its weird Link to comment
Dako Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 I can understand fixing a friendship after a rough time, but how you can fix a marriage when one partner just doesn't love the other? Maybe I'm wrong but we can't make ourselves fall in love, it just happens. If she can't take steps to deal with depression, how can she make herself love you? Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 12, 2006 Author Share Posted January 12, 2006 i just really hope that time will heal the rift that we have created by arguing.. she cant love some one she resents and hates from arguing.. who knows.... Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now