from bad to worse -- very depressed

[kiteekate]

Thank you to anyone who reads though this post. I know it is long and I truly appreciate anyone who reads it through.

 

Hi. I wrote a few days ago and expressed my confusion/frustration at my husband's "cold shoulder" moodiness. (Thank you for the kind responses btw). Well, last night I thought we were making a breakthrough in that we began a calm yet serious talk about feelings..........something he hardly ever does. But it was a calm, yet heartsmashing experience for me, with him telling me I am not social enough, I gripe at my kids, I need to lose weight and --- the worst ---- he loves me, but this "love" is some vague emotion he has no control over and "in the last month or so it has been a lot less." That is, he loves me less than before.

I have no idea what to do with this new info. I had no idea about any of this stuff, except my weight issues. I thought he understood "my problems" but it seems I was wrong.

I was raped by a friends drunk boyfriend many years ago. It traumatised me so much (he almost killed me) that I became agoraphobic and terrified of new people, situations or even leaving the house or answering the phone. I ended up spending three months in a psychiatric hospital being treated for post traumatic stress and agoraphobia. Over time I got better but I began hiding myself in food and was actually more relaxed being fat anf frumpy that thin and "a target". I am still very shy and nervous in social situations. My husband knows all this, so it was a big hurt to hear him critisize these faults of mine. I know further therapy could help but I am almost exhausted working on this stuff. It is hard and painful and apart from my husbands new revelations, I didn't see any real problems functioning the way I am. It doesn't really bother me personally. I can drive, shop, interact with my kids and their friends/parents and those normal things, and that is a giant improvement on days of old. I am not miserable or lonely not being out in the social world. But it seems it is a problem for hubby. I don't stop him being social, but he is a kinda quiet soul too.

Mostly I am confused and deeply hurt. We have barely spoken today, although it is all politeness and stuff (not nasty vibes). Any ideas? I am scared.

[registered]

Why not see a marriage counsellor?

 

It's likely that his words come from other issues/concerns (or at least the true impact of the things he said might come out) he has that could come out with the help of a psychologist.

[miracle29]

Wow, that is very hurtful to hear the man you love, and thought would be a much better support, tell you this. I know this must be very painful and hard. I also know (rape) is such a severe issue and it takes a very strong man to understand his woman once she has revealed this to him.

 

His criticizing you about something that he is supposed to be able to understand really bothers me. Its bad enough you went through this traumatic experience but then to have him toss it in your face and say "hey this is why im being a cold hearted jerk" is not only not fair, but its wrong. This is a cop out. He is blaming you for his disposition when in reality he CHOOSES to act this way.

 

As far as the weight issue goes..well that is something that you CAN and should try to control. You don't have to be a size three, but for your health and happiness a little exercise may do you good. I would go to a GYM so that you don't feel the fear of running alone or being attacked. The gym is a safe place to meet people or if you don't want to talk, hey ..you're there to work out and no one would be the wiser.

 

As far as marital cousel, it couldnt hurt...and i'd try it, but if he continues to be a jerk about things, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the terms of your relationship.

 

It is not only rude for him to toss up your past pains but he is not perfect. I'd like to see how he'd feel if he was scrutinized for his traumatic experiences. I feel your pain and am very proud of you for actually driving and going out in public. See you are a whole lot further along then you think. Don't let him take you back from how far you've come with his snotty little tude. Tell him to get off the Kotex and grow up. You're not perfect and he knew this before you said I Do. Now he wants you to be someone else over night.

 

Sorry but it doesnt work like that. You are on the right track, take his critique as a self help and motivation for you. Thats my advice to you.

And when you lose that weight and start being you again you'll gain your power back. Then we'll see what Mr. Hubby has to say about that.

[Vanilla]

I am terribly sorry he has not been supportive. If I knew my partner had gone through some traumatic event I would try and be more understanding. Like if he'd like for you to lose weight suggest a work out together, and if he wants you to be more social, suggest to go out together more...key word: support.

 

my partner is diabetic and we live together, so I have to put my part to be supportive to help him live a healthier and better life, which also helps me and our relationship.

 

I suggest you see a marriage counselor. If he cares anything about this marriage and wants to fall in love with you all over again then he'll pull on every string to try to save it.

 

There is no sense in him complaining and critisizing if he plans to do no action on it.

 

I am so sorry and Ihope it all works out for th ebest

[Boughtandpaidfor]

tell him if he's unhappy that's his problem and not yours- because you are comfortable with the way you are. Otherwise you're letting him blame you- he's bullying you and taking his frustrations out on you.