kiteekate

Thank you to anyone who reads though this post. I know it is long and I truly appreciate anyone who reads it through. Hi. I wrote a few days ago and expressed my confusion/frustration at my husband's "cold shoulder" moodiness. (Thank you for the kind responses btw). Well, last night I thought we were making a breakthrough in that we began a calm yet serious talk about feelings..........something he hardly ever does. But it was a calm, yet heartsmashing experience for me, with him telling me I am not social enough, I gripe at my kids, I need to lose weight and --- the worst ---- he loves me, but this "love" is some vague emotion he has no control over and "in the last month or so it has been a lot less." That is, he loves me less than before. I have no idea what to do with this new info. I had no idea about any of this stuff, except my weight issues. I thought he understood "my problems" but it seems I was wrong. I was raped by a friends drunk boyfriend many years ago. It traumatised me so much (he almost killed me) that I became agoraphobic and terrified of new people, situations or even leaving the house or answering the phone. I ended up spending three months in a psychiatric hospital being treated for post traumatic stress and agoraphobia. Over time I got better but I began hiding myself in food and was actually more relaxed being fat anf frumpy that thin and "a target". I am still very shy and nervous in social situations. My husband knows all this, so it was a big hurt to hear him critisize these faults of mine. I know further therapy could help but I am almost exhausted working on this stuff. It is hard and painful and apart from my husbands new revelations, I didn't see any real problems functioning the way I am. It doesn't really bother me personally. I can drive, shop, interact with my kids and their friends/parents and those normal things, and that is a giant improvement on days of old. I am not miserable or lonely not being out in the social world. But it seems it is a problem for hubby. I don't stop him being social, but he is a kinda quiet soul too. Mostly I am confused and deeply hurt. We have barely spoken today, although it is all politeness and stuff (not nasty vibes). Any ideas? I am scared.

Thank you for the insights, happytown. I can see the logic in what you are saying, and about now, it is worth a try. I guess I have always been afraid if I just let him be in his mood and carry on with my stuff, that I would appear uncaring or cold. But I need to try some different approaches, cos not much is working the way things are at the moment! It was kinda nice to hear someone else recognise (even admit to) a similar problem. I thank you very much for sharing that too.

Thanks for the replies. Some extra info for those interested (sorry that this is kinda long ---- thanks for reading): hubby has said he has always had problems expressing strong emotions, and I can understand/accept that. What bugs me is how he can't EVER talk about his issues. The most recent "episode" - he was doing some yard work and all seemed well. We chatted about landscaping and stuff. It was nearing dinnertime. He likes to cook so he was okay about going in and starting dinner (just a fry up of meat and quickie frozen veg). I had to go out and get some milk and he seemed okay with that. I asked if he wanted anything else from the store etc etc. All was well. I come back about 15 minutes later and as I put the milk away I ask "Everything okay?" (ie - meaning --- food coming along? you're okay? anything you need me to do for you at the moment..........just a typical "I'm back how's it goin?" kinda question. He is tight lipped and says in his quiet, passive/aggressive way: "No. It's not okay." My blood goes cold and I ask him what's up? What's the problem? No reply. He just keeps cooking. The silences are awful. He gets industrious like he's too busy to reply and if I press it, well, I'm interrupting him doing this task for me now aren't I?. I am pissed off, where as usually I am upset and try to work out what's bugging him and see how I can help---- give him a hug or pour him a cold drink etc. But I just start doing dishes (had been left from the morning cos it was a weekend day). We eat in basic silence after I get the kids to turn the TV off. After dinner I do a ton of ironing that was needing attention even though it is stinking hot (about 100 degrees) and nothing is said. By bedtime it is that cold "Hope you sleep well. See you in the morning" thing and that's about it. I wonder why I automatically start doing chores when he is in a mood and I figure it is cos it is protection for me......I am doing something constructive so if he wants to crab at me I am not loafing or doing some self-indulgent thing. All the while I am in the total dark about what is his problem. A few nights later when he seems more "normal" I brave it to ask what was bugging him that night. He says he doesn't know. I explain it makes me nervous and I am left guessing and worrying. he says he can't really help me with it, he doesn't really know. I push and ask again and he says he got kinda edgey. I ask about what. He doesn't know. He says a lot of things bother him and sometimes something will just be a trigger for him. I ask what sort of things bother him that much that he gets that upset and tensed up. Again.....he can't really answer. All this takes forever to unfold as there are the enormous gaps between my questions and his responses. I am calm, quiet and just asking in non-threatening or upset tones. Inside I am screaming and want to say he is a manipulating pig who is really really hurting me with his silence and his rapid mood shifts and it is not fair to keep me in this dark void and it is suffocating the soul out of me and I am sad and hurting and doesn't he give a * * * * about how I feel????? But I sat calm and steady and pleasant. I cry myself to sleep. I am not really sleeping anyway. I am awake til 3am most nights tossing and turning while he snores softly. But the whole no-speak moodiness is so draining. I know this is long. I appreciate the feedback. I miss my husband. We used to chat. Never torents of conversation, but normal chat. Now, if I don't speak or ask him a question, he would hardly utter a word to me. It is so lonely.

Hi. I really, desperately need some kind of advice. Anything at all. I am so miserable and I have absolutely nobody to turn to. My second husband (of 5 years) doesn't talk to me, and it is getting worse. He is generally fairly sociable, although private. But he has very moody periods where he is suddenly "not okay" and he clams up. He can't or won't talk to me about it or anything else and probably wouldn't say a word if I didn't ask him stuff or speak first. I spend a lot of time trying to guess ( to myself) what is wrong, get nervous and try to apease him and I feel alone and frustrated. He takes medication for mild depression but refuses to go to a doctor apart from Rx refills and then he is all smiles and everything seems fine. What can I do? My kids and I often feel like we are walking on eggshells and never sure when he will shut down like this or what might trigger it. I have tried to talk to him about it but it is literally like talking to a wall. The pauses I leave for him to respond last an eternity and the silence is awful. I don't know what to do. Please help!!