How Do I Compare??

[heartbroken23]

Hi all,

 

So I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now. We have been pretty serious I guess, at least i think so. We see each other almost everyday, and get along very well. We are very romantic and sexual with each other too. The thing is, she doesn't want to rush into anything....she got out of a 3 year relationship around July. She said with the whole bf/gf label there are expectations and she is not ready to put 100% in yet. This is understandable. I wouldnt want her to rush into anything either. The thing is, what I see as seriousuly dating, she thinks is casual. In my eyes, we are anything but casual....we sleep over each others apartments, go out to eat alot, parties, little day trips, shopping the works, basicaly it is like we are a couple.

 

The second thing is that she came from a "caviar" lifestyle. Her ex's family was very, very, well off. They went to the bahamas like 5 times a year, have a yacht, as huge mansion, etc, etc. She used to live with him in Colorado, but she now lives in Connecticut in my hometown. He moved to LA. Basically she now has the "Peanut Butter and Jelly" lifestyle. I am very successful, graduate degree, have a great job, my own apartment (rent), but by no means have the lifestyle that her ex did. I guess I just felt a little intimidated by it.

 

We talked and she said I shouldnt be intimidated, that he is no way above me in any way because of the lifestyle he lived an vice versa. I kinda felt better.

 

I guess my question is, why date me like she is, is she using me? Is she just being careful not ot rush into anything. She has told people she adores me, and that i am special. I guess I just want opinions here. thanks!

[Ms Omaniac]

my first ex is a millionaire. i have another ex that makes a half a million a year.

 

if i had a choice between those two or my current bf...i choose the current one anyday.

 

some women...it's all about how you make them feel. you can have a 100 bucks or a thousand bucks or a million bucks...it's just really...how do you make her feel?

 

if she is like me...then yeah...you have NO reason whatsoever to be intimidated. try not to sweat the small stuff like that and just enjoy your relationship. it sounds like you are having a great time in it when youre not worried...so try to have no worries.

 

you prob have a fantastic personality that she cant have enough of. that is worth more than you know.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Its never good to compare yourself to anyone.. Everyone has his good qualities.. Her ex was rich.. Its a good thing but the most important in relationships is love and understanding..

 

You are in a good position. so be happy.. you dont need to be a millionaire.. or treat her as her ex did.. Since she is happy with you and you are treating her well she will be happy..

 

About whether she is using you or not.. I dont know how she treats you but doesnt she gives you everything you need ? Is she immersed in her own life or gives time to you only ? Does she shows by her actions that she cares for you and sometimes do favors for you ? If so then she is fine..

[LostInMyThoughts]

Is her family well off?

 

If so, then it might be something to worry about. If not, the discrepancy between her lifestyle and her ex's might have factored into the breakup.

 

Anyway, she is just out of a 3 year relationship, and I'm guessing the end of it was painful. That is why she doesn't want to rush things; to have fun but without getting that close to someone so early on.

 

In a way you are being "used." She is using you to have a good time, to charm her, to feel good about her self, to remember there are so many good things out there. Now, I don't see anything wrong with that, cuz I think most of us, use our partners to that extent.

 

So take some comfort in knowing that she is with you, now, in this moment. If you dwell on why she picked you, or what you have to offer, you wont be happy, and it'll probably contribute to the premature end of your relationship. She likes you, thinks you are special, and adores you. If you can't believe that, then its likely that you've got confidence issues.

[SuperDuper]

He may be rich, but he's alone now isn't he?

 

Money doesn't mean a thing, and if you are comparing yourself to him, and trying to live up to his standards.. well his standards don't seem to end up with the girl.

[blueangel]

It hurts too much to compare so I'm sure she wouldn't.

 

Girls never are in a period of "needing to be single" unless of course they are young. They say that because they don't want to hurt your feelings, but really, underneath, there IS something she is looking for that you are not. I was like that before and really, it's more of her letting you experience her until she experiences something in you that will make her commit. She wants to keep you until she finds everything she's looking for and by that, you have given her the upperhand.

 

A horrible mind game people tend to play with each other is that, "oh, no, I dont really like you... but I might." Not taking your relationship seriously is not taking you seriously. Dont act like it doesn't hurt. Give her an ultimatum. All or nothing because you don't want to get caught in the middle of an insecure and immature girl. And that's exactly what she is.

 

How people treat you, really, has nothing actually to do with you. They are looking to feel good about themselves and waiting for someone to do exactly that whether on an emotional or even physical level. You can be sure she's not in this relationship for you. She's in it for her.

[blueangel]

I know you two are emotionally "together" but the fact that you say she does treat it so casual and is going so slowly is her way of getting over her ex. She's waiting for you to treat her better than he did, in some certain way... some sort of fulfillment that will tell her who she is. INot because she's "scared of love" or anything like that. Trust me- it's a lie and I've used it before. She's scared that she'll end up with you and you'll stop giving her the upper hand once she is and she wont get everything she's looking for. If you honestly feel she isnt giving her all to you, she isn't. Dont doubt your gut.

 

Yet never act before talking to her about it.

[heartbroken23]

Thanks all...I realize that she wants to take it slow with me and rush into things too quick. I respect that. She doesn't want me to be a rebound and also wants to get over her ex....Should I be bothered if they still have a phone convo every now and then. no idea how long or what about or how frequent, but I know she still talks to him. I am fine with that I guess, maybe a bit scared. I have no business talking to her about that, so i don't bring it up. He lives on the west coast, while we live on the eastcoast.

 

Also, Shoul dI be worried that she uses "the butterfly" its a vibrator. I think it is pretty cool that she does, but that doesnt mean that she doesn't enjoy sex with me right?? I mean, I am almost positive she loves the sex we have.....just thinking guys.

[Ms Omaniac]

if she talks to her ex infrequently then that isnt a big deal. if she talks to him often...i'd kinda be paranoid myself. my current bf has no problem with me talking to my ex's...but he also knows i dont talk to them all the time and that i just dont up and drop what im doing for them either. it depends really how she reacts when she's talking to them.

and trust me...her butterfly is completely normal. you need to consider it cool! since it's a toy...and so you wont be..uh...jealous?...of it...use it with her. it spices things up a bit in the bedroom so that you dont do the same thing over and over kinda thing.

i know several guys that are...for some reason...threaten by a toy. like the toy could replace them or the toy is better than them or that they are not good in bed. most of the time....none of those reasons are accurate. but men also need to realize that their privates do not vibrate so it's just something...different.

[heartbroken23]

Thanks...that nmakes sense, just checking. I guess i just need some reassurance to just relax, take things as they happen, and don't think so much....I really do think toooo much. I guess I just really like this girl and i don't want to screw anything up.

[heartbroken23]

So we used to spend like every nite together. I would sleep at her place or she would sleep at mine...it was liek this for aprox a month...never failed, we always ended up in the same bed together. It felt nice and we loved to cuddle, have sex, and be in each others arms. Wel, recently that started to stop, we only spend 3-4 nites a week together...I am pretty sure this is normal, but it kinda just stopped all of a sudden. She would just want to stay at home alone, or be by herself....guys I know this is totally normal right...but I can't help but feel like maybe she is losing intrest...shouk dI feel that way? Someone tell me that just cuz she started wanting to be by herself a few nites a week that it is healthy that way...I guess I am just paranoid cause I really lik eher and any change in patterns makes me nervous like something is wrong. Please shed some insight...thanks

[heartbroken23]

is anyone out there?

[heartbroken23]

OK...someone please read what i wrote and tell me I am just thinking way too much and overreacting....I need to hear it. Thanks!

[RayKay]

It's normal and healthy to want some personal space in a relationship. If you spent every minute together laundry would not get done, dishes would pile up, work would suffer, friendships are lost....you lose part of yourself in the relationship and start to resent the other person.

 

You both need time apart to work on yourselves as individuals...absense makes the heart grow fonder